A Little Bit of Trouble (32 page)

     “Stop being such a sap. This isn’t a fucking love story,” I don’t mean to take my anger out on him but I do. It doesn’t faze him, he just shrugs and dangles my keys in front of my face.
Shit, must have left them in the ignition.

      “Well, seeing as I have the keys, you’ve got to follow me.”

      “I said no!” I practically bellow and rub my eyes. “I can’t go there James. It’s not fucking happening.”

     He frowns, “Why the hell not? You’re being stupid.”

     “I can’t watch her die!”

    
“You’re not going to watch her die!”

     I laugh once and shove him, “And you can promise that? You can guarantee her survival?” he opens his mouth but closes it again. “I didn’t think so. Just back off.”

     “She needs you Lucas. When she wakes up…”

     “If…”

     “WHEN she wakes up and she will fucking wake up, do you really think she’s going to forgive you if you’re not there?” he shoves me back. “You’re fucking this up for yourself and Amelia. That girl in hospital right now, fighting for her damn life loves you. She loves you, you have a family who aren’t letting you do this alone who LOVE you! Get your head out of your ass and go back to the hospital.”

     “I can’t.”

     “Why not?”

     “Because I watched my wife die…
I watched her take her last fucking breath as they tried to cut us from the fucking car and I can’t… I can’t do that again,” we stand and stare at each other for a moment longer. I snatch the keys from his hand.

     “I thought you didn’t remember.”

     “I didn’t, until two hours ago when I listened to Loryn’s failing heart,” I mumble and head back to my car. “I can’t go back there James and you can’t make me.”

     He sighs and follows behind me, “You’re going to regret this.”

     “It’ll only add to the list of all the other fucking things I regret,” I laugh once. “That list is already longer than my god damn arm. What’s one more thing going to hurt?”

     He doesn’t respond, he watches me climb into my car and drive away. Where I’m driving? I have no idea. But I need to do something.

“I don’t love you. I just love the idea of you.”

She was mad and hurting, she didn’t mean it. I won’t let that be one of the last things she said to me.

“I love you Lucas,”

She said this in her sleep and I ignored it like the asshole I am. Such an idiot… I felt guilty, how could I forget? I felt fucking guilty when she said this, I remember thinking how easy it would be to just slip those words right off my tongue. Easy because part of me knew I meant them.

“Hi honey, we’re home.”

She was right, she was home. She was always home and she was my fucking home.

I am such an idiot.

     If she doesn’t wake up and I’m not there… will I regret it? Will it eat me alive every day for the rest of my life? What about if she does survive… will she regret me? Will she still want me?

There’s only one way to find out.

     I make a U-turn and drive back the way I came. Praying that the person who completes me and my family will still be alive in ten years’ time. I pray she’ll still be alive in ten hours’ time. And the fact that she’s pregnant… shit. I have a whole lot of shit to make up for.

Anything You Want. Just Name it.

     “Lucas,” James looks relieved as I walk down the hall. “The others are in there.” He watches me warily. “Greg is here too.” I really could give a shit about that shit stain right now. “I was just about to come outside and call you.”

     It’s eight in the morning, I switched my phone off when I left the Cemetery so his call would have been useless. “Where is she?”

     “She’s uh… she’s out of surgery.” Surgery? I really don’t like that look on his face. “The damage is extensive but they’ve got it under control.” Pause. “Lucas?” his tone is wary.

     “Hit me with it.”

     “They had to remove one of her ovaries, it was too damaged,” his voice is quiet as if he doesn’t want anyone to overhear. “Her chance of survival is a lot better than before. Her temperature is back to almost normal and her body is slowly coming out of shock.”

     “You’re not making sense.”

     “The doctor was right, it was an ectopic pregnancy. Her fallopian tube ruptured causing internal bleeding. They’ve had to remove it, and her ovary. Her chances of future conception have been cut in half.”

     She’s going to be heart broken. “I need to see her.”

     “You can’t, she’s not back yet.”

     “Where the fuck is she?” I ignore the nurses gasping and clucking at my language. I could give a shit right now. “Where is she?”

     “She’s in recovery. Let them do their jobs, they need to double check her for any more complications.”

     “
Christ,” Shit. “And the baby?”

     “
Do you know what ectopic pregnancy means? She lost the baby Lucas. There is no baby. It grew in her fallopian tube.” Although his words seem harsh he just looks sad. For me? For Loryn? For the unborn… baby? Who knows? Right now I don’t need to know so I don’t ask.

     My heart plummets, my eyes burn at the thought of every single ounce of pain Loryn will feel emotionally and physically because of this. I remain strong, I need to. I don’t have any right to be sad about this, Loryn needs me to be strong right now. Part of me still hasn’t come to terms with the fact she lied to me, she didn’t tell me she was pregnant and now suddenly that’s been ripped away. I barely even get to entertain the idea of having another child. How do I deal with that?

     At the cemetery I thought I’d have time to come to grips with it, the feeling wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be if I ended up getting her pregnant. But the shock was enough to numb my emotions for a while. My thoughts are entirely fucked up right now, I’m unsure how to think, how to feel, and even what to say.

     “Right.” And that’s my response to my brother’s announcement. What a fucking douche am I?

     It’s another hour before Loryn is brought back to her room. Everyone pays a short visit before leaving me alone with her. I’m not moving from this bedside and my hand isn’t leaving hers.
I’m not leaving her.

    “I brought you a coffee,” Maya says and takes the seat beside me. I sip the hot drink and thank her. “Are you okay?”

     I shake my head, “I’ve done nothing but fuck this up.”

     “Yeah.”

     “Thanks.”

     She raises her hands in surrender, “I’m not gonna lie. You have been a complete tit throughout your relationship. You’ve been lovely and sweet and then as mean as a grumpy old man with a thorn up his ass.” I open my mouth but she interrupts. “But…” Always a, ‘but.’ “Now you’ve finally removed that thorn you’re going to have the rest of your lives to make it up to her. Properly.” I notice how she just said lives rather than life. This helps ease my worries just a little bit where Loryn’s health is concerned.

     “Why does it always take something huge and fucked up to make someone realize what it is they’re losing?”

     Maya shrugs, “Nobody blames you for holding back. We get it, we understand. Loryn understood, you just never listened for long enough to hear her telling you.”

     “Yeah, I know she did… does. She doesn’t have to anymore. I’m not leaving her again.”

     “Then you make sure you tell her that. She may not be able to talk back but she might be able to hear you.”

     “Thanks Maya,” I kiss her hand
and hug her tight. “For everything.”

     “We’re right out here if you need us. I’m gonna go sort out Evelyn soon but James and Marie are staying. There will always be somebody here for you Lucas. Don’t ever think you’re alone,” what is it with these people and being able to read my mind so well? “You have a family now. Remember that.”

     She leaves me alone, I grip Loryn’s hand tighter and wipe my eyes. I may be a crier right now but I’m not crying in front of anyone. “I’m so sorry.”

     .I hate it, I hate the fact she won’t open her eyes and I’m scared that even though she’s out of the red area… she might not recover emotionally from this huge blow

     Amelia understands
why I’m here to a certain extent and wants to see Loryn but I’m worried the sight of her will be too much for Amelia’s innocent little mind to handle. It’s almost too much for me to handle.

     It feels like days have passed but in reality it’s only been a few hours. I’ve spent this time talking to Loryn, the Vampire Diaries TV series came on, and I actually described it to her sleeping form hoping she’d wake up. Marie joined in my commentary and has actually had me laughing a few times which is definitely an accomplishment.

Why didn’t I listen to them? Why did I have to be so fucking stubborn?

          Loryn is moved to a great private room that is currently covered in fresh flowers and gifts. The doctor smiles at her overcrowded room when he enters and ushers us out so he can check on his patient.

Another lifetime passes as we wait for the all clear.

     “You can all come back through now, please push this button as soon as she wakes,” he motions to the orange button on the wall.

     “I’m so excited,” Marie grins and rubs her hands together. “She’s going to be okay.”

     “No she’s not,” sighing a little I sit on the side of the bed and take her hand in mine. “Not when she finds out what she’s lost.”

    
Loryn loves kids, she loves them so damn much and I know she’s eager to have her own. This will destroy her, and when it destroys her I have no doubt that will destroy me. Of course her chances are only halved but that’s still a big half and it doesn’t help the fact that the child… the fetus I impregnated her with almost fucking killed her and didn’t grow right. I feel like shit. This is my fault and she will probably see it that way too.

     It’s only half an hour later when her eyelids start fluttering and her hands twitch. She winces in pain so I take the liberty of pressing the button so a little more morphine will release into her system.

    My hand strokes her forehead, I kiss her cheek, her nose her lips. “Hi,” her voice is raspy. I move back an inch so I can stare into her still focusing eyes.

     I smile, my heart soars I feel instantly relieved, “Hey baby.”

     She smiles back and opens her mouth in disgust, “Water.”

     “Of course dear,” the nurse practically throws me out of the way and holds a cup of water with a straw in it to Loryn’s lips. She drinks it eagerly. “How are you feeling? Is there a lot of pain?”

     “A little, in my stomach.”

     “I’ll go and call for the doctor,” she waddles out of the room and the others instantly rush to Loryn’s side. I watch a beautiful smile stretch across her face at the sight of us all, fuck I’ve missed that.

     “What happened?” the question we’ve all been dreading and drew straws for.
I lost, but I can’t do it. My throat turns dry and words don’t come as I stare into her wide and frightened brown eyes.

     All the while I keep my hand in
hers thankful that she doesn’t push me away.

     “Lucas?” she murmurs and yawns. I lean closer and press my lips to her hand.

    Loryn coughs and tries to sit up a little. “What day is it?”

     “It’s Wednesday. You’
ve been out about eight hours.” James answers and bites into a banana. He’s eating? In here? At this time? “Don’t look at me like that. Stuff like this makes me nervous.”

     “And
when he’s nervous he eats,” Marie chuckles and pinches his cheek.

     Everyone steps outside when the doctor comes in, everyone but me. I remain by Loryn’s side, there’s no way in hell I’m going to let her go through this alone.

     As if suddenly realizing exactly why she’s here Loryn glances at me nervously before blurting, “The baby?” With tense shoulders I lean forward and press my forehead against her shoulder. “Lucas? What’s happened?”

     The doctor looks at me, expecting me to tell her. How can I tell her? He sighs and nods for me to just say it, his eyes shimmer with empathy for my situation. “Loryn,” gulp. My breath hitches a little as I raise my face to meet hers. She shakes her head and a tear spills down her cheek. She mouths the word ‘no’ and her face crumples in pain. “I’m sorry baby.
”

    My heart breaks for her when the doctor tells her the damage done. He saves the ovary part until last and it’s not good. Her face falls, her body shakes and she sobs. She doesn’t just sob she screams and pushes me away with what little strength she has. The doctor tries to calm her but it doesn’t happen. She shuts down and her sobs turn to sniffles and soft whimpers.

     “Loryn,” I murmur and place my hand over hers. She pulls it away and looks everywhere but at me. “We’ll get through this.”

     “We?” she throws me a look that says if she wasn’t too weak to move she’d be on top of me right now and scratching my eyes out. “We? Since when are we suddenly a
we
?”

     I don’t respond, I’m unsure on how to respond if I’m honest. “I’m sorry.” That sucks, it’s weak, it’s feeble but it’s the truth. “I am so damn sorry Loryn.”

     “Oh don’t pretend to care!” she shouts as the doctor backs out of the room. “You made it very clear where you stood with this.”

     “No,” I try to find my words, I try to deny it but then I’d be lying. “I said I wanted to prevent having children. Not that I’d hate it if you did…”

     “Well you must be relieved,” her voice comes out like a hiss, I’ve never seen such anger in her eyes before. Such hate. It slices through me. “You got what you want without even having to lift a finger.”

      Ouch. “That’s not fair.”

      “No,” she laughs once and growls a little. “This isn’t fair.”

      “Loryn.”

      “You’re not fair.”

      “Loryn please…”

      “Look at me! You’ve done this!”

      “Baby, don’
t say that.”

      “Don’t say what? That this is your fault?”

      She pushes my hand away when I reach for her.

     “If I hadn’t have… if you’d… I was…” she starts sobbing again, my arms open ready to accept her but she shoves me away and hard. “DON’T touch me! I don’t want you to touch me!”

     “I’m so sorry Loryn.”

     “For what? Is that why you’re here now? You know I won’t be able to procreate? What better than a woman who can’t conceive for you to play with?”

     I wince, I deserve that. “Loryn. Look at me.”

     “Would you be here if I was still pregnant?”

     “For fuck sake Loryn let me…”

     She throws the TV remote at me, I duck and it clatters against the wall behind my head, “Fuck you! You didn’t want the baby.” She throws the plastic cup at me, it hits me on the shoulder, and this time I don’t move out of the way.

     “You never gave me a chance to…”

     “We both know if I told you, you’d have marched me down here for a different reason.”

     My mouth drops open, “That… that’s what you think?” Shit. She really thinks I’m that much of a monster?
That I’d force her to terminate the…

    
“Just go away Lucas. I don’t want you here.”

     “Look at me.”

     “Just go away.”

     Stubborn woman, “Please baby. Look at me. I need to talk to you.”

     “You need to talk to me? Right now?” she rolls her eyes and shakes her head in disgust. “You’re playing these games here? Of all places.”

     “I’m here because…”

     “Don’t say it. Don’t give me your stupid excuses or lies another second. Right now I want to be sad, I want to mourn and I want to fucking ignore you. Leave me alone.”