A Little Bit of Us (12 page)

    
“This is so boring,” I hiss to James as we follow an older woman around the nursery furniture. Most have already been set up like they would be in an actual bedroom. “I’m going to the bed section. Wake me up in a bit.”  He grips my elbow and tugs me forward as we look over a dark wood set, with a cot, swinging crib, changing station, shelves, etc. “We’ll take it.” I announce. James face palms. I know he likes this one though, his eyes lit up as soon as we looked at it when we first walked past it and again the second and again just now. The covers are cute, all beige, browns and creams. “Good with you?”

     James nods. Now that’s done…

Let him have this little bit of joy.

     “We still need to stock up on clothes,” James hisses in my ear.

     “We’ll get all of that at the baby shower.”

     “You want to have a baby shower?”

     I shake my head and gag, “Definitely not but I know for a fact your mother and Summer are conspiring against me. At this rate I won’t have a choice.” He shifts nervously. “You knew! God, you people are baby vultures. We should have you all detained.”

     He chuckles and follows the woman to pay. I decide to go check out the maternity clothes, there’s actually some really nice bits. Dungarees! I have got to have these! I grab them and throw them at James who catches them with
a chuckle.

    
  “It’s thanksgiving in two weeks,” I gasp suddenly and pull my gloves off. “I need to start on the Christmas shopping!”

    “We’ll do that this weekend,” he climbs into the car after helping me in and starts the engine.
Oh no chance is he coming Christmas shopping with me! “Or not…”

     “I always do my shopping with Marie, you go do man stuff. Set the nursery up or something.
” Pause. “Let’s go see a movie.”

     He nods and takes my hand over the console before bringing it to his lips, “
Sure but shut up during this one.” Yeah right. “And no more posters!”

     “You’re the one that brought the other poster over from our old place,” I giggle and pinch his cheek. “If I didn’t know any better I’d think you had a little thing for Mr. Tatum yourself.”

     “Enough of the gay jokes.”

     “Jokes?” I deadpan, inside I’m howling. If
you could see his face now, it’s so funny. He looks like he’s not sure whether to laugh or slap me silly which makes his face scrunch up as if constipated. “Come on princess.”

     “Why do I bother?” he laughs and throws his arm around my shoulders.

     “Johnny Depp, nom.”

     “Don’t start, I’m fucking serious Maya,” James warns and shoves popcorn into his mouth. I shovel some into my own and watch the movie
, for all of ten minutes.

     “Why do they always go up the stairs? Move dammit, he’s going to magically pop out of one of those rooms!”

     “Magically?”

     “Well yeah, in reality he’d never make it that far in such a short amount of time. Look at them, she’s a cheerleader therefor will have decent stamina. This dude works in a video store. How can he beat her up there
by going all the way around? I shall tell you how, the magic of filming!”

     “It’s the guy that works in the video store?”

     “Duh.” Chomp, chomp. “Totally him.”

    
“What about the cop.”

     “He’s hot.”

     “That’s not what I meant.”

     “
I know what you meant, it’s rare they have a hot guy as the bad guy.”

     “What about Scream?”

     “Those dudes were not hot, they were cute.”

     “Right.”

     “I need to pee.” And I really do, my bladder is fit to burst.

     “You’ve just been.”
So what?

     “Hello,” I point to the invader. “If you don’t like girls that pee a lot maybe you should be more careful with your seed!”

     “Will you two shut up!” somebody shouts from the front.

     I giggle and scramble down the aisle, leaving James to sigh and shake his head in the dark.
Once I make it into the well-lit hallway, I wait for my eyes to adjust before heading into the bathroom. After emptying my bladder I wash my hands and head back inside. Not before restocking on chocolate peanuts.

     “What are you doing?” Yank, there go my peanuts. “You can’t eat peanuts!” He hisses and throws the bag on the seat beside him. Why can’t I eat peanuts? What’s wrong with nuts? “They could cause an allergy for the baby.”

     “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!” I snap quietly, ignoring the man a few rows do
wn who keeps turning and sighing. “Give me my damn nuts!”

     “No!”

     “They’re my nuts, this is my body!”

     “You’re being unreasonable.”

     I narrow my eyes, he does the same, I can just see his face from the glow of the screen. “You have three seconds to give me my food or I will hurt you.”

     “Do your worst.” He challenges his eyes now no more than slits.

     “Three…” I’ll show him. “Two…” He still hasn’t moved. “One. Time’s up.” I lift the arm rest and lunge for the bag of chocolate nuts. He pushes me back into my seat with his hands on my titties so I sink my teeth into the curve of his ear making him hiss and grab the back of my hair in an attempt to pull me off.

     “Let go!” he grunts and tugs on
the back of my hair again, ouch. I grab the nuts, he grabs my arm, so I grab his nuts with my free hand and squeeze. He cries out and slides off his seat in an attempt to get me away from him, problem is I fall too and land on top of him. “Get off my damn nuts!”

     “
I need my nuts!” I think we’re shouting now. He manages to get the chocolate from my hands and hold them above his head, as I try to reach for them I knock the coke from the cup holder.

     Cold, wet liquid spills over the back of my head and over his face followed by cubes of ice that go the opposite way
, sliding down my back making me shriek. “You idiot! Look what you made me do!”

     Uh-oh, the lights just came on
with a dramatic click. Somebody clears their throat behind us. Oops.

     “Out, now, both of you,” James lifts me to my feet, we’re both wet, covered in popcorn and at some point the bag of nuts split because I just pulled one out from between my nungas
and three more just fell from my back. We look at the man who clearly works here, he looks furious, there’s the man from three rows down is stood next to him. I assume it’s him because that seat is empty. The entire room of people, which is fortunately only a third full, are staring at us.

     There’s one set of eyes I find
and recognize instantly, this person is laughing, laughing their ass off to be exact to the point where they are wiping tears from their face. “Your brother’s here.” I point to one of the side rows where he’s sat with a friend of his, I don’t recognize him.

     “Out!” the man repeats. I tug on my coat after pulling my sticky wet hair from my face, I must resemble the ghost girl off The Grudge right now. Or the Ring. Either one will do.

     We bow our heads in shame and shuffle down the aisle. I give James an elbow in the gut making him grunt and stumble a little. Take that.

    
“You’re both banned,” the man is going on and on. We’re both saying sorry like grumpy children all the way to the exit. “Don’t come back.”

      “HAHAHAHA!” laughter follows us out and Lucas stops in front of us. “You know, when I heard the commotion I thought this is exactly James and Maya
style. Imagine my surprise when you both stood up.” He turns to his friend who looks as amused as Lucas. He’s kind of cute, in a geeky way, a little skinny and short and his blonde hair could use a wash. “I need nuts!” Lucas mimics making me glower at him. Damn it’s cold. “I’ve got to tell Marie about this.” When did he and Marie start talking?

     “She got us barred from the movie theatre,” James
practically shouts. I huff and fold my arms over my chest, “He wouldn’t give me my chocolate covered peanuts!”

      “
Will both of you take a calming breath.” The doc says softly and brings her hands up and down in front of her chest, in the motion of a sea wave or something. “Now. Start from the beginning.”

     “I bought nuts,” “She grabbed my balls.” “He wouldn’t let me eat them.” “She knocked the drink over my head.” “If he’d just given me the nuts.” “She wouldn’t listen to reason.”  We point to each other, “This is all his/her fault!”

     We glare at each other briefly and look away. “I’m not talking to him.”

     “When did this happen?”

     “The day before yesterday.”

     “Maya, you aren’t supposed to eat peanuts when you’re pregnant.” James gives me a smug grin, I pinch his thigh and twist making him yelp. “And James, never, and I mean
never take food from a pregnant woman unless you want to be mauled.”

     I give him a smug grin, he pinches my leg and twists. Ouch.
She chuckles. “Let’s all stop pinching each other. This is good.”

     “Say what?” How is this good? We’ve not spoken in three days, and
we got a warning from the cops! THE COPS! For disruptive behavior and littering. The littering part was an accident, we didn’t mean to make such a mess. I didn’t even get a chance to buy a Johnny Depp poster.

     “Look at you both, the passion between you is great. The way you achieved it is a little unconventional and I won’t be recommending it to my other patients but I think we’ve had a break through.” I really have no idea what she’s talking about. She sighs at our perplexed expressions and shrugs. “Don’t worry about it
, just keep doing what you’re doing. So, when’s your scan?”

     “This afternoon,” James responds suddenly looking happy again. “
We’re setting the nursery furniture up soon.”

     “Correction, he is doing that, I’m going shopping with Marie
tomorrow, my best female friend. For Christmas gifts. He wants to go to his moms for thanksgiving but she has these god awful dinners with loads of people I don’t know or even care to know,” I look doc straight in the eyes. “I want to go to Jacob’s parents. They’ve extended an invite. They’re having a proper family dinner.”

     “Always Jacob this, Jacob that.” He snaps and throws his hands in the air in defeat. “They got really close over the time she spent there. I’ve seen videos on her phone of them dancing around her bedroom. Videos of them messing around his house.”

     How dare he? “You’ve been going through my phone?”

     “I need to know why you text Jacob more than you text me. She’s sending him dirty messages on twitter.”

     I stand up and grab my bag. The doc tells me to sit down, I don’t. I’m furious. What happened to trust and communication? I never check his phone… ever. And those messages are a joke that Jacob hasn’t even seen yet otherwise he would’ve responded. I only text Jacob once a day, we chat for a few minutes and that’s it, I have no reason to text James, he’s always with me or at work.

     “Maya wait,” James shouts as I exit the room. He catches up and grabs my elbow. “I’m sorry.”

     “You’re always sorry James!” like usual. “Sorry about cheating. Sorry about lying. Sorry about not trusting me. Always god damn sorry. Stop doing things you know you’re going to have to apologize for!”

     “Maya, come on, let me drive you home.”

     The doc is leaning against the doorframe watching our squabble. I bat his hands away, “I’m going to stay at Lucas’.”

     “You can’t keep running away Maya.”

     “And you don’t have a reason to not trust me.”

     He laughs humorlessly, “Oh I don’t? What about Paul and Frankie? What about your relationship with Lucas. You’re very comfortable hugging him Maya. And Jacob, so many men in your life
. How do you think that makes me feel?”

     “I don’t really care if I’m honest James.” Sigh. “I don’t have the energy to care what you think of my friends. I don’t have the energy for this. We’ll never get past this
, will we?”

    
“So what are you saying?” he runs his hand through his hair that still needs a cut and looks at me nervously. “Are you stopping us?”

     “Us? What us? I can’t even be near you without wanting to throttle you. Not to mention you’re constantly shifting your shit onto me. You feel guilty for what you did so you’re trying to find something that will make us even. I haven’t cheated James and nothing is going to make me forget what you did. Even if I had chosen to fuck somebody.”
I turn to the doc. “Sorry doc. I’m out.”

     “You two can get through this.” She says
reassuringly and I almost believe her.

     “How? When every week he’s bringing something new to the table. He cheated, he hurt me and now he doesn’t trust me.”
I scoff at the last part.

     “I do trust you.”

     “You don’t even trust me with your own brother.”

    
How can I cope with everything like this? It’s ridiculous, I’m constantly in the firing line for his insecure bullshit. We can’t work through anything if he doesn’t talk to me.

Stay and solve this. Don’t walk away.

     Solve what? I can’t touch him, I can’t be with him and I certainly can’t understand him. This isn’t a riddle to be solved it’s the end. There’s no getting past this.

You’re just running scared. Once you’ve calmed down you’ll see reason.

     The only reason I see right now is the reason I have to leave.

     James’ voice brings me from my thoughts, “You need help Maya. You clearly can’t be trusted to take your tablet every morning, or to eat the right things. We both know right now you need me.” Ha! Is that why he thinks I’ve stayed?

     “James I stayed because I wanted us to work. Not because I was pregnant! Yes, it’s the main reason I came home but even if I wasn’t pregnant I’d still be sat in this office with you working through shit. You’re baggage is unbelievable and for some reason you shift it on to me, even though I’ve been nothing but loyal to you since we got married.”

     “You’re right,” he relents and nods sadly. “I’m messing up.”

     “Yeah, you are.” And for once I don’t think this is my fault. At all. Ok, I do think I have contributed to the current events but I don’t believe I’m doing anything wrong now.

    
“Come back inside Maya,” the good young doc says softly and motions to the office with her arm. I stare into James’ pleading eyes for a moment, both of our chests are rising and falling with each breath. “We can work through this.”

     “Can we?” I don’t know who I’m asking. “How can you solve something between two people when one will never be enough for the other?”

     “I can be enough, I swear,” James pleads and takes my hand in his.

     I shake my head as my li
ps thin. Is he really that dense? “I’m talking about myself, James. I’ll never be enough for you.” No matter what I do, how hard I prove myself. It’ll never be enough. “You need to work through your issues.”

     “Together, we’ll do it together.
I promise, I’ll be better.”

     My frustration vanishes with his calming words. I want to believe him, the problem is I d
on’t. Isn’t that a major factor in our shitty relationship? Not believing in it will surely be our downfall right? So many damn questions left unanswered, I’m getting a headache. Stupid couple’s therapy, I knew this was a bad idea.

     “Right, for a start James
you need to establish a bond of trust, stop going through her phone. Maya, stop being so dismissive of everything or he won’t open up to you.” Yikes, I just got told. “James, ask her. Just speak to her. Let’s start that now. Let’s talk about your past. Before the engagement. What’s a good memory you both share?

     “I’d like to talk about our wedding night,” James suggests. “I know it’s not before the e
ngagement obviously but it’s a main route along the road of why we are the way we are now I think.”

     “Ok, let’s try that.”

     “We were getting intimate
for the first time when she got a call from her father’s nurse. He had a heart attack, his heart stopped. They managed to bring him back but we knew he only had weeks left. After that she spent all of her time with her dad, which is understandable.”

     “He was there for me,” I smile wistfully. “The whole time, through all the vomit and the accidental bowel releases he was there
.”

     “She became withdrawn, like we weren’t even married. I didn’t push her or expect her to have sex but I expected her to at least come home.” The doc nods and hums. He goes on, “Then a month later, he passed away. Suddenly she was a blur of movement. She didn’t stop to grieve, she got right on with the funeral,
and if she wasn’t planning the funeral then she was working.”

     My father died at home, I remember finishing work and going straight home. There was a doctor there, the same man who told him he had cancer. I stepped into the room and waited as they prepared.

     “Baby,” my dad rasped and held out his hand. He was so frail… so… so sick.  Watching him get worse was like watching a flower wither
, from beauty and full of life, to weathered and frail. My dad knew his time was up, we all did. As if we could feel death staring over our shoulders at him, waiting with open arms. I’ve never been a religious person but I prayed at that moment, not for a miracle, but for peace, so he could be free from this pain. His soft blue eyes were unfocused and glassy. I moved his wires and tubes as James came into the room, kicked my shoes off and slid into the bed with my father.

     He sang to me, it was weak, I could barely hear him. His arms held me as my head lay on his chest. I didn’t cry yet
, we all just listened to him sing. The sound of his weak heart beat against my ear still haunts my dreams.

“Hush little baby don’t say a word”

Thump, thump.  Thump, thump.

“Papa’s gonna buy you a mocking bird.”

Thump,    thump.    Thump,  thump.

“And if that mocking bird don’t sing”

Thump,           thump.      Thump,     thump.

Papa’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.”

Thump.      Thump.

“And if that diamond ring turns to brass.”

Thump.                 Thump.

“Papa’s gonna buy you a looking glass.”

Thump.

     His heart just stopped, the machines held a beep and I felt his last breath exhale from his lungs
, my head lowered with his chest. That’s when the tears came, that’s when I clung to him and cried. He was gone and as normal I put it away so when it finally came it was like getting smashed by a wave of water in a desert. I’d never felt such heart wrenching pain before.

     James held me, even the doctor let a tear slip as I sobbed into James shirt. The nurse left the room to cry I assume. I screamed and wailed and cried and denied it to the point where I was
beating on James to let me go. Shock, I was in shock. The doctor sedated me and when I woke up the next morning I wouldn’t allow myself to think about it so I got preparing. Fortunately James called everybody. A few were mad that they weren’t there but that was my time, my dad requested nobody be there. Like hell if I was going to let him die alone and I’ll never regret the moment when I held my father until his last dying breath.

     I don’t realize I’m crying until the doc hands me a tissue. James is still recalling his version of events.

     “She’s never grieved over it. As soon as he was buried she stopped calling me, stopped talking to me, she hadn’t been home once. She stayed with Marie and planned a trip to Vegas. Marie is a bad influence on her. Then she came back and acted like her father hadn’t died and like nothing was wrong. When I walked into her office the day after she returned I expected to find a sobbing mess. All I found was the typical Maya.”

      “Do you feel like you grieved Maya?”

     
I nod, of course I grieved. “I grieved every day for a year, meaning every day he was sick. I promised my dad I wouldn’t grieve his death. I never break a promise. I’m in a good place about it. It hurts, it sucks but he’s gone and part of me is relieved.” Sigh. “You saw him James, saw the pain and humiliation he went through day in day out. He was a proud man having his vomit and crap cleaned by a woman he barely knew and by his daughter. It destroyed him.”