A Little Broken (20 page)

Kneeling in the soft grass, Jessie pulled the items out of her bag, fanning it out in front of her. The grass was soft under her bare legs when she sat and she idly checked to be sure she wasn’t sitting in one of Florida’s famous ant hill areas – those red ants would eat her alive faster than she could say ‘bite me.’ Luckily, she saw none around her. Inspection complete, she opened her notebook, grabbed her pen and started to write.

Dearest child,

It’s your mommy. I know it’s been a long time now; you probably don’t even remember me, but I remember you. I remember the moment I discovered I was pregnant with you – that was the first day I was no longer just me, just Jessie. That was the moment I became a mother. The months after, you grew inside me and the first movement I felt from you was your tiny hiccups, bouncing in my belly – you’d get them and keep them for hours! There were days that you drove me crazy with them! I wish I’d cherished that moment then – at the time I knew there was so much more in store for the two of us.

You were very comfortable inside me…do you remember? You didn’t want to leave the warmth of your mommy – they were even talking about forcing you to come out! I think you heard them, because the day before they had planned to do just that, you made your entrance into the world. You were so beautiful – even covered in the debris of your first world, you were beautiful to me. You had a full head of hair; your eyes were so light blue, just like mine. I had always assumed that you would have your father’s dark eyes and I wanted to cry seeing my own reflected in your darling face. You only cried for a minute before they gave you to me. Did you know who I was? You seemed to…you stopped crying the moment you saw my face. I remember talking to you, telling you just how happy I was to see you. I thanked you, for choosing me to be your mommy. I was never more blessed than I was in that single moment. Every decision I’d ever made, good or bad, brought me to that second in time, and every choice had been worth it.

I didn’t get to hold you for as long as I wanted – they wanted to take you and make sure your oxygen was good, so you went down to the baby nursery for a while. I called every five minutes to check on you, did you know that? I was so upset to not have you; I felt empty without you, even for such a short period of time. When you were brought back to me, I was told all the nurses were in love with you. You were such a charmer! The nurses fought over who would come and check on you regularly and all mommy could do was laugh. I knew I was in for big trouble as you got older! I could already hear the little girls knocking on our door looking for you!

I took so many pictures of you, documenting your life to the best I could. Everything you did was so cute to me. There were so many nights that I would just hold you, despite everyone telling me you needed to sleep in your crib, so I could stare at you. I couldn’t believe that you were real, so perfect in my arms. We did everything together; you were my Little Mister. You still are, even though you’re not here with me.

My heart hurts without you. Even now as I write this, the writing is smearing from my falling tears. I held you for such a short amount of time, but you will hold me for the rest of my life. There’s this giant hole in myself that can’t, and probably won’t, ever be filled. I’m sorry I left and can’t visit you. I know you’re not there – I pray you’re somewhere fitting to such a miracle. I hope you’re happy, and that you look at me from time to time, just to check on me. I think these things to console myself. I even know I don’t cry
for
you, I cry for myself. You’re feeling no pain, no sorrow or sadness...it’s me who’s been left completely ruined without you.

Like I said, I left our hometown. I moved to Florida. God, baby boy, you would love it here. There is no cold. Even as I write this to you it’s almost February and I’m outside in the beautiful sunshine in the middle of a quiet park. I wish I could take you here. Can you see me from where you are?

Mommy is trying to move on. Mommy is trying to live. I crossed out that I’m trying to move on, because I know I’m not. I won’t ever be able to ‘move on,’ but I’m learning to live again. I’m learning to love again. Mommy met a man. His name is Dominick. Little Mister, how I wish he had been your daddy to begin with – he’s such a kind and gentle man. He would’ve been so good to you before you had to leave us. I’ve told him about you – not a lot of the details, but what I could get out. He knows of you though, and, to me, that’s what counts. I’m so afraid that everyone will forget about you…that me learning to live again, will make
me
forget about you. I can’t lose you again, it would be too much for this tired mommy to bear.

I can’t even remember the details of your face through memories clearly anymore, baby. When I think and try to see them clearly, they blur, like a dream. The kind when you wake up you desperately try to remember, but only get flashes. Only one image comes up clearly – the final time I saw you, and that’s not the image I want to remember. I want to remember your smile when I’d blow raspberries on your belly, your little happy gurgles when I’d play silly peek-a-boo with you.

If I’m being honest, I just want you. I want to wake up and have this all been some horrible dream to teach me something. To force me to grow up and cherish the small things; but, I know it’s the truth. I hate it, but I’ve accepted it. I now know that no day is guaranteed to us. No breath, no feeling, no touch is guaranteed. Everything can be gone in a flash. You’ve taught me to live like there is no tomorrow because there very well may not be.

I’m so sorry that I failed you. Please know that Mommy loves you with every breath she takes, and though I can’t keep pictures out of you, that I never forget you. It’s just too hard for me to see you every day and not be able to hold you; not be able to smell your sweet baby smell, or not hear your happy noises. Thank you for teaching me what love actually is. You’ve made me a better person, at least I think, though I fight it tooth and nail.

With that, my sweet baby, I will leave you from a quote from my favorite baby book – I never got to read it to you, but I will write it to you one day, I promise.

“
I’ll love you forever,

I’ll like you for always,

As long as I’m living,

My baby you’ll be.”

Please don’t forget me.

I love you,

Mommy

Jessie stared at the pages she had written to her son through blurred eyes.
God, I miss him
, she thought, dropping them to the ground and cradling her head in her hands, crying. She let the tears flow, watering the grass between her crossed legs. She realized somewhere along the way that though he was gone, she was forever growing and learning because of him. She’d written it in her letter, not quite believing it, but she knew it was true. He really had taught her love, taught her survival, and, most importantly, taught her about life.

“Crappy way to learn,” she said aloud, breaking the peaceful hush of the clearing. She could have learned many other ways – she wasn’t stupid. It still made her angry, even all these months later. It was still supposed to be her in the ground, not him. Frustrated, Jessie pounded her fists into the grass, and was surprised when a butterfly gently drifted upward to her face.

It was beautiful, a perfect monarch butterfly. The small insect seemed to glow, its vibrant orange out of place among the lush green of the park. Holding her hand out, she held her breath as the butterfly came to a stop on her palm, its wings moving idly. She watched in fascination as its proboscis tongue unrolled to taste the salt from her skin. Around them, the wind had stilled, and Jessie couldn’t explain the emotion that came over her. Peace. She stared at the small creature, such a small thing to show her so much. She knew that butterflies signified transformation, but to her, it was her baby telling her things were okay.

Jessie wanted to cry at the acceptance she now felt, for once at total peace with herself. Instead, she stayed unmoving, not wanting the feeling to pass when the insect flew away. It was the most beautiful sight and she was grateful.

“Thank you, Little Mister,” she whispered, her hand shaking from the strain of holding it up. As she knew they would, her words spurred the butterfly into motion. It hovered for just a moment above her before it switched direction and flew upward into the blue sky and disappeared amongst the trees.  Jessie remained where she was, unable to move. She had anticipated losing the feeling the moment it was gone, but she didn’t. She still felt at peace, like her son was holding her. Not being one to believe in signs, she wasn’t sure if it was the pouring of her emotions onto the pages, or if it was the butterfly, but she hadn’t been this calm since before she’d lost him.

The breeze picked up once again, blowing the pages around, and she scrambled to grab the notebook before the wind could ruin it. Gingerly she placed it back into her bag and allowed herself to fall back into the grass.

Staring up into the clear Florida blue sky, Jessie allowed her thoughts to lead her where they wanted. They started in the past, from the moments she’d just relived in her letter, and moved forward. She cringed when they touched the loss of her son, but the familiar feeling of a knife in her stomach wasn’t there. Not poking at it, she let them continue – now moving on to Dominick. She remembered his smile when he talked to her, half hanging out his car. She thought about his careful choosing of which cup of coffee to give her. She smiled at the thought; she’d learned he did that often, analyzed everything before making his choice. The images continued to the night of the masquerade gala, her crazy large dress, and to their first kiss on the dance floor. Jessie had since learned the song he had sung to her was “The Scientist” by Coldplay, and it was still fitting to her. She had it memorized by now.

When her thoughts came to her first night with him, she bit her lip, remembering his being terrified at her nightmare. He’d gotten used to them, accepted them as a part of who she was, though she had to accept that they’d eased since she’d started staying with him. Now it was just the terrible fear of him dying on her that he couldn’t accept as much. He needed sleep, she knew that. She also knew that she couldn’t keep waking him.

Jessie knew she loved him. Every part of her was screaming to go to him. It had been almost two weeks now since she’d seen him. Almost two weeks since her first meeting with her therapist – her second appointment tomorrow, which was why she had chosen today to write the assignment. Yes, she’d spoken to Dominick a few times, mostly in texts, letting him know that she was okay. He often asked if she was eating, and she’d smile at the phone, at the concern she could read in his words. She believed he loved her, it was plain to see. But, before she could be with him, truly love him as he needed, she needed to make sure she was okay first. She couldn’t lean on him. Maybe tomorrow, after her appointment…maybe not. One thing was for sure. She needed him in her life and she was slowly going in his direction.

Chapter Twenty Eight

“Jessie.” Mary interrupted her thoughts, and she looked up to see her therapist peering at her through misty eyes, her notebook clutched tightly in her hands. “This? This is perfect. Touching. Well done. Now, tell me…how do you feel having written it?”

“Honestly? I feel… raw, yet at peace somehow, if that makes any sense.” Mary nodded. “It’s like…I realized things about myself that even I didn’t know. It still hurts to think about him, but I know it always will be. I miss him,” Jessie said, her voice trailing off at the end, her eyes trained on the paisley print carpet.

“You’re right. You will always miss your son, but you will eventually be able to think of him without pain at all. I know, I know,” she said, holding her hand up, “It’s hard to believe it now, but look at the progress you’ve made just in the last two weeks. The darkness under your eyes has almost disappeared and you look like you’re gaining some weight, which as we talked about is a good thing, right?”

Jessie nodded, looking down at her body. Mary was right: she had gained weight, not a lot mind you, but enough to notice. She’d been sleeping more, keeping her shifts at the diner, and she’d even gone out with the girls a couple times. They were small baby steps to anyone else, but to her, they were leaps and bounds. She had gone grocery shopping, completely stocked her cupboards even, though she’d held off on going furniture shopping. She’d tried, but when she’d been looking all she could think about were Dominick’s comforting items. She hadn’t wanted to buy the same stuff, so she’d thanked the salesman and left, instead picking up an air mattress from Wal-Mart to hold her over for now. It was odd, not sleeping on the hard floor of her condo. She wasn’t used to it yet.

“How about things with Dominick? Have you spoken to him?”

“Only a couple times, mostly in text messages,” Jessie answered, sighing.

“You haven’t seen him since he asked you to get help?” Jessie just shook her head, not meeting Mary’s eyes as she did so. “How come?” the kindly woman asked.

Why hadn’t she? It was no secret, to anyone it seemed, that she missed him like crazy. Mr. Castellanos had talked to her several times about her spacing out mid-shift, when she’d been thinking about him. According to her boss, she got a “silly love-sick girly” face each time and he automatically knew what she was thinking of. He’d told her several times that Dominick wanted to see her, often asked at her schedule, and that he’d had to start fibbing on when her shifts were just to grant her request of space. Jessie could tell that Mr. C had been unhappy about lying to his nephew and it had made her feel guilty. Worse than guilty, if she were being honest.
Why is this so hard?
she asked herself.