A Love Like This (44 page)

“Hi!”

“What’s going on? I called your office and
they said you didn’t work there anymore? I mean, what the hell,
Julia?”

“Sorry. I should have told you, but it was
pretty sudden. I’m in Paris.”

“Since when? This is just a short
assignment, right?” Her voice was hesitant, and I imagined the cogs
working in her head. She sounded happier, more like herself than
I’d heard her in months.

“No, it’s the job. Remember, the Paris
edition? I’ve been here since the first of January.”

“Holy shit! And you didn’t bother telling
me?” Hurt laced her tone.

“A lot has been going on, El. Ryan and I
were fighting a lot, and I didn’t want to burden you with it
because you were dealing with your own stuff. Anyway, it just
seemed like a good time.”

She pulled in a sharp gasp. “Ryan isn’t
cheating, is he?”

I ran a shaky hand through my hair and
crawled back into bed. “I don’t think so. Not that way. It’s about
that woman he works with. She’s just… he says they’re friends, but
she’s in love with him and the situation became unbearable.” Ellie
knew the basic story surrounding that night in the ER, but we
hadn’t discussed it since right after I got back from L.A. I
started to fill her in on Christmas and New Year’s Eve, but left
out a lot of the smaller details, trying to turn the conversation
to her. “We don’t need to talk about this. How are you and Harris
doing?”

“Screw Harris and me, Julia! I’ve been a
rotten friend. Shit, I’m so sorry! I’m sorta shocked by it
all.”

“It’s okay. I should have called you, too.
It’s just been overwhelming, and it’s all I can do to
function.”

“I remember how that feels.”

“I know you do. I guess fairy tales don’t
exist.”

“Julia.” I could almost hear her shaking her
head at me through the phone. “For you and Ryan…
they do
. No
one is more perfect together than you two. He loves you more than
anything, so what were you thinking running off to Paris?”

My chest tightened with emotion and my
throat ached, making the words strained. One thing I knew for sure,
Ryan was it for me. “I’ve been asking myself that a lot lately. I’m
dying with how much I miss him.”

“I’ve learned something and it took losing
Harris to figure it out. Don’t lose Ryan, Julia. My best friend
told me to get my head out of my ass, and I ignored her. Don’t make
my mistake.”

“Are you and Harris really over?”

“He’s on a North American tour, and we’re
supposed to talk when he gets back in September. I’m still not sure
I can handle that lifestyle. Being apart and worrying about the
women. His band is a bunch of wild, single guys. I don’t want to
worry all the time.”

“That’s eight months, Ellie! He wanted to
marry you.”

“Look, Julia, I care about Harris a lot, but
I don’t want to be all tied up in knots all the time.”

When I didn’t hear her say she loved him, I
wondered if maybe they weren’t destined to be together. Even when I
left New York and Ryan behind, there was never a doubt about us
long-term, tied up in knots or not. I felt sad for them.

“I had high hopes for you two.”

“Like I said, we’ll hash it out eventually.
We talk on the phone once a week or so, but the big talk is for
later. Now enough with the bullshit; start packing, do you hear
me?”

“I have to work it out with Meredith. She’s
coming this week to see how things are going. Maybe if I can show
her our progress and how well the team here is catching on, it will
be better than a phone call.”

“She’s going to be pissed, Jules. You have
to prepare.”

“That’s putting it mildly, I’m afraid.”

~13~

Fucking Valentine’s Day
!

This wasn’t at all how I’d anticipated this
day to turn out. It grated on my nerves how much this particular
holiday shoved how much I missed Julia down my Goddamned throat.
The ER desk was awash with flowers and a couple of mylar balloons
that said
‘I Love You!’
and
‘Be Mine’
. I wanted to be
apathetic about it, but the truth was, I was dying inside.
Loneliness had become like a sickness that had no cure. I knew I
wouldn’t see her, but that hadn’t stopped me from buying
The
Picture of Dorian Grey
when I’d seen it in the window of a
collectable bookshop on my way to the gym last week. It was like it
had some invisible hold on me, and I had to buy it. If she were
here, I’d have given it to her today. I was such a sap, letting my
emotions dictate my actions when my head screamed that I was a
moron for buying it, and even more, when I’d written on the inside
front cover.

The memory of last year when I surprised
Julia in New York came to mind; sneaking in to her apartment,
waking her up, and making love to her all night. I ran my hand over
my jaw. If only something like that awaited me tonight. Incredible
how twelve short months could change your life completely around.
So much had happened in that time: Julia’s accident and her memory
loss, our wedding, moving to New York… all the shit with Jane. I
groaned inwardly.

Kari stared at me.

“What? Do I have something on my face?” I
asked, running my hand over my chin again.

She shook her head. “Are you okay,
Ryan?”

Not at all
, I wanted to answer. I
knew I looked like shit. I was fit because working out passed time
and kept me sane, but my heart was shattered, and my chest was a
hallow void.

“Yeah, I’m good. A little tired, maybe.” I
tried to give her a half-smile but it didn’t quite make it to my
eyes. I could see the sympathy in her expression and the unspoken
questions that she didn’t ask.

“If you ever need to talk, I know about
everything.”

What?
I frowned at her.
Sure,
great! Just what I needed, people discussing my personal problems
behind my back at my hospital.
I glanced angrily in Jane’s
direction, immediately believing she was the one who blabbed. For
once, she wasn’t watching me.

Kari put her hand on my arm. “Ryan, Caleb
told me about what happened with Julia. If you ever need to talk,
you know, get a woman’s perspective, it might help to figure out
what she’s thinking.”

I looked back at her and nodded slightly. I
wanted to tell her that if anyone knew Julia and her fucked-up
reasoning, it was me; except that I wasn’t sure anymore. I didn’t
understand any of it.

She held up the open box of candy and
offered me one. After Jane had no part of him, Caleb had turned his
attention to Kari. He’d given her one of those obnoxious red velvet
chocolate boxes that you get at the corner drug store. I wasn’t a
fan, but I humored her, hunting around in the box for one shaped
like a square. Experience from childhood taught me that the square
ones were more likely to be caramel. I couldn’t stand the overly
sweet fillings that typically filled these things. I popped it in
my mouth. “Thanks. I don’t like to talk about it anymore, Kari.
But, I appreciate the offer.”

Jesus, I was tired. My feet felt like lead,
and I could swear I had a ten-pound brick on my forehead. I went to
get a cup of coffee from the pot we kept in the alcove near the ER
waiting room. It was so strong it usually tasted like tar, but I
didn’t give a shit; I needed strong. I just needed to stay awake. I
scoffed at my train of thought. At work, I did everything I could
to stay awake, but at home, I couldn’t sleep if my life depended on
it. The irony was not lost on me.

The coffee didn’t have the desired effect.
In the past, I’d tried stashing energy drinks in the refrigerator
next to the coffee pot, but someone always ripped them off.
Fucking people.

I didn’t have time to go to the lounge, so I
found a corner of the waiting room and sat down with my coffee,
leaning my head on the back of the chair and closing my eyes. I let
myself listen to the white noise sounds of the waiting room; people
talking in hushed tones, the admitting nurse asking for insurance
information, a fussy baby. If I concentrated hard enough, my mind
would let me get in a little rest.

My life felt like a huge, black void, and
though I had purpose in work, I hated everything else. I was a
walking zombie, unsure how I got through the days. It helped to
work all night. I hated the nights at home without her. My life
stopped when she said those five horrible words: “You forgot to
remember me…”

Julia.
My closed eyes squeezed
tighter. She stopped calling and texting, which, I admonished
myself, was my own damn fault. I would stop, too, if they were
repeatedly unanswered. I was still so angry, but more, I missed her
like I’d lost half of myself. I gave a small huff. I guess that’s
what happened. I had to stop and think how long she’d been in my
life. Three and a half years as my best friend, almost four as my
long distance lover, the four months that we lived together during
her recovery, six months married, and now six weeks since she’d
left me. The longest six fucking weeks of my life, except for the
week I didn’t know if she’d live after her car accident.
Oh my
God! Did we really go through all of that just to let it slip away
now? And because of some twit interrupting our dinner a couple of
times? Un-fucking-believable.

Someone’s hand slid up my thigh and I bolted
upright, my eyes snapping open instantly and landing on Jane,
perched on the edge of the chair next to mine, her hands now in her
lap. My heart literally knocked against my ribs, and my hand landed
on my chest with a thud.

“Jesus Christ, Jane! You scared the living
shit out of me!” I relaxed back in the chair and closed my eyes
again. I took another deep breath. “What is it?” I asked, annoyed
that my thoughts had been interrupted, and I would now have to
listen to what she said.

“Um… Ryan, I…”

My head snapped up again and I glared at
her. “What?”

“I’m… I just wanted to apologize for
everything again. I hate how strained we’ve become, and I just want
to get back to normal.”

I blinked and my jaw tightened. I considered
her words for a minute. Could we ever go back, considering my world
as I knew it was ruined, maybe beyond repair? “I don’t know. I
can’t think about it right now. I’m too tired.” I dismissed her
hoping she would leave.

“Just think about it.”

When I didn’t answer, she finally rose and
left the waiting area. The small bit of relaxation I had vanished,
so I pushed up from the chair and decided to go for a walk around
the hospital. I needed to wake up, so I choked down the now
lukewarm coffee and started to move toward the hospital lobby,
tossing the paper cup in the trash as I passed.

Louise was on desk duty. The old woman
always had such a cheery smile, and I needed a little sunshine. She
was talking to an elderly couple and pointing out directions, and I
scooted past into the gift shop. There was always a nice assortment
of fresh flowers in the cooler, and I reached in and pulled out a
small arrangement of reds and pinks in a small, globular glass
vase. There were some of those conversation hearts Julia hated at
the register. I grabbed a box of those and then turned and reached
for the latest edition of Vogue from the magazine rack. By the time
I paid for the items, Louise was free. When she looked up at me,
her blue eyes sparkled and a huge smile slid across her face. I
smirked at the two bright pink splotches painted on her cheeks and
the vivid red lipstick that wasn’t quite staying within the outline
of her lips.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Louie!” I said,
mustering as much cheer as I could.

“Ryan, you handsome devil. Don’t tease an
old woman! It’s hard on my heart.”

I laughed out loud for the first time since
I couldn’t remember when.

“I’m not teasing.” I grinned at her. “Look!
I brought you presents.” I set the flowers down on her desk and
handed her the candy.

“Oh!” Her hand flew to her cheek. “You make
an old woman blush! I’m so happy you stopped by! I’ve missed those
dimples and sparkling blue eyes!”

“I’ve been really busy.” I perched in the
chair next to her desk. “Sorry.”

She reminded me a lot of my grandmother on
my father’s side. Grandma Nettie. She had the same slight blue tint
to her stark white hair and her make-up was exaggerated due, in
part, to failing eyesight and the rest to exuberant personality. I
sat beside her, reluctant to go back to the ER. Louise lifted the
flowers and sniffed appreciatively as I flipped through the
magazine.

“This is for you, too, of course, but I
haven’t looked at this issue yet. Do you mind?”

“Oh, goodness! Of course, not.” She patted
my hand as I turned the pages one by one. Julia’s name was still on
the masthead page. I breathed a small sigh of relief and turned the
page with shaky hands. Somehow, I’d managed to stop myself from
calling or going over there to interrogate Andrea or her other
staff. She said she’d left the city, but was she really that close
all along? “What is that pretty wife of yours up to?”