A Love Like This (40 page)

“Barely, and so what? Nothing has changed!
When you’re done letting your
friend
suck up all your free
time and remember you’re married, give me a call.”

“It isn’t like that! I told her to back off,
but I owe her! Don’t we both owe her?”

I was so friggin’ tired of hearing Ryan take
her side over mine; tired of fighting with him over her, and tired
of feeling upset that his words made me feel guilty about my own
pain.

“I won’t let you turn me into the bad guy
over this, Ryan! I will not stay and watch while you let her drive
a wedge between us. We never see each other, so I’m surprised you
even notice I’m gone! Did you let Jane know you were calling me?” I
asked bitterly. “I mean, could she spare you for a moment?” I
sniffed. I knew I sounded like a petulant child and truly didn’t
care. “How generous. Remind me to thank her,” I said
sarcastically.

Ryan sucked in his breath harshly and
paused. “This isn’t you, Julia. Where is the generous, giving woman
I know?” he asked quietly. “You’re not being fair.”

The air left my lungs in a whoosh as the
pain replaced the anger instantly. My voice was quiet and raspy, my
throat raw from crying. I felt numb.

“I can’t believe you just said that to me.”
He was doing it again; taking her side over mine. Maybe that wasn’t
even what was happening, but resentment welled up inside me like a
dam ready to burst. She was taking him away from me and he was
letting her, he was
helping
her. “
I’m
not being
fair?”

“It’s not that Goddamned easy and you know
it! I can’t be an out-and-out bastard to her. She sacrificed a
lot.”

So did I, Ryan! I suffered your absence for
years while we built this life!

“Yeah, I know the feeling. I guess she wins
though, since she bled real blood,” I said miserably. I flushed at
the jab, but I was hurting so Goddamned bad, I couldn’t help but
lash out.

I could hear his breathing get shorter. He
knew how much his words stung. “You know what we have is sacred.
Please, just stop this.” His voice was raw and urgent.

“Then why have I felt so alone? It feels
like you’ve completely abandoned me.”

“You know how much I love you and I’m sorry.
I just …”

“No,” I begged. “Please don’t say anymore.
Every word…
hurts
. I can’t take it. Just give me some time.
Don’t call me. Let me…figure things out.” I felt like I was
drowning, clawing for the surface and Ryan could save me, but he
didn’t.

“Julia… please…” I could hear his voice
shaking, cracking; husky from tears. “Don’t do this. We figure shit
out together. So, tell me where you are so I can come to you. I
need to come get you! I’m going crazy. For the past eight and a
half years, I’ve always known where you are. This is killing
me.”

I closed my eyes, and my heart began to ache
again when my Ryan finally showed up. That was the voice of the man
who loved me, and I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms.

“I’m safe, and I’ll call. I promise.” My
voice broke again.

“Are you… Is it… I mean, are we over?” Each
word was dripping in emotion, anguish, and panic.

Pain sliced through me. A month ago those
words would never have come out of his mouth.
Why didn’t he know
that nothing could ever make me leave him?

“I just can’t deal with it right now. I need
a little break. Jane is taking a part of you that used to be mine,
and I can’t stand by and watch.”

“For Christ’s sake! No one has the part of
me that belongs to you.”

All of you used to belong to me.
My
heart was pounding. I wanted to claw the skin off of my body.

I know.
I tried to force the words
out, but they stuck in my throat because they felt like a lie. But,
I
didn’t
know. Not anymore. And, it was killing me.

The seconds ticked by while we both cried,
both of us waiting for the other to say something and neither
willing to end the call. I knew he could hear the tears and the
sniffles, even though I kept the sobs confined to the silent
shaking of my shoulders as I pressed the heel of my hand to my
mouth. Somehow, I had to keep him from hearing how broken I really
was.

“Just tell me that you still love me,” he
begged raggedly. “God, Julia, please.”

That was the end of me, and the sobs finally
erupted into the silent room. “You know…” I gasped. “You know how I
feel, Ryan. Nothing will change that.”

“The why didn’t you come talk to me?” The
words sounded like they were pulled from him, but they still sliced
through my soul. “And why won’t you
say it
?”

This was the second time he’d questioned me
about loving him. The first time being when Meredith offered me the
first promotion on his visit to New York for Valentine’s Day when
he proposed. I tried to swallow the pain so I could speak, but it
still crept into my shaky voice. “Just a little time, okay? Try to
understand how it’s been for me.”
I love you, but it hurts too
much to be with you right now.
“I just really need your
understanding. Just for a little while.”

He sighed heavily. His voice was low and
thick, laced with his own tears. “Okay. God, I’ll try. When we got
married, sometimes you wondered if a love like this even exists,
remember?” I remembered clearly; those words were part of my
wedding vows. “It exists, or it wouldn’t hurt so fucking bad. But,
only for us, Julia.” Ryan’s voice was deep, but thick with tears.
“Believe that and… don’t forget to remember me.”

I gasped as Ryan said the words that
connected us for the past five years. My heart broke anew,
shattering instantly into a million pieces that ripped me to
shreds. He knew those words would yank my heart right from my
chest. And, they did. It was pure manipulation, pure guilt, pure
heaven, and pure hell. Two could play at that game.

As if I could ever forget him
. My
eyes squeezed shut and pushed more tears down my cheeks.

“
You forgot to remember me
,” I said
weakly.

I quickly hung up the phone right before I
pushed my face into one of the plush white pillows and screamed. I
needed him like he used to be. I needed the brilliance of us, like
we were, or it would never be good enough. I cried and cried into
the pillow, praying for the strength to get my head on
straight.

I needed time without suffering Jane’s
continued presence and the guilt I felt over being so angry. I
needed sanity and peace and rational thought. I needed to be able
to function and heal. But, I also knew that I’d never be able to
breathe without him. Lately, I hadn’t been able to breathe either
way. Yes, I owed Jane everything… but until Ryan could put things
into perspective and take back our lives, I was out.

I got up and went to the suitcase, unzipping
it, and pulling out the T-shirt I’d stashed there. I pulled it to
my face and inhaled his scent as I went back to the bed. Still
fully-clothed, I crawled under the covers, not caring if the sun
ever came up again. I curled up and brought the shirt to my face,
clutching it to me as I cried into the darkness. How quickly our
lives had changed; the neat, perfect package was now so fucked up.
Only one thing remained…the insane love. It was crippling in its
intensity.

My fingers curled into the pillows and the
fabric of the shirt as I sobbed softly into the darkness, aching
for the arms that would ease the hurt, and the words that would
assure me we’d be okay. I’d left him, but it felt like he’d left
me. Like I was the one without the choice.

My broken words echoed around the room like
they were coming from someone else.

“I just want you back, Ryan,” I said into
the darkness. “I want
us
back.”

Half a world separated us, and I’d just
severed my only connection to the one person I never thought I
could live without. I’d walked away from the love of my life, in
the desperate hope that my best friend would find his way back to
me.

~12~

I’d finally fallen asleep after another two
hours of crying, but it was the fitful, twilight-type that only
made me feel even more exhausted. In the morning, I stood looking
out the window over Paris with bloodshot eyes. The river looked
dark sapphire, and the Eiffel Tower lifted against a bright azure
sky. It was an artist’s dream to be here, and I’d always wanted to
come. I’d just never imagined it would be without Ryan. At least,
not after I’d gotten in the accident and missed the opportunity
last year.

Ryan talked of coming here and Italy to tour
the many landmarks and museums so central to my art education. I
felt numb; as if I were having some out of body experience, an
elaborate nightmare that I would soon awake from.

The plush terry of the hotel robe that
wrapped my body felt real enough, and my wet head was wrapped in a
matching towel. I sniffed in regret, willing myself not to allow a
new torrent of tears. My phone was conspicuously silent this
morning, but he was only doing as I asked. It had only been twelve
hours since we spoke, but there was that part of me that was
surprised, and if I were honest, disappointed. My feelings were all
screwed up, and I did need to sort stuff out, but my needy, sore
heart longed for affirmation that he wanted me back.

I huffed, chastising myself and sat down on
the edge of the bed. What did I expect? How many times had my
father told me that guys are literal and will take spoken words for
gospel.
‘Men are easy, just don’t say anything you don’t
mean,’
he’d told me once in high school when I had a fight with
my boyfriend. ‘
You’re confusing the poor kid, sweet
pea.’

I never confused Ryan and he never confused
me. That was part of the reason we were connected from the hip from
day one, but things were so screwed up now. My own conflicted
feelings for Jane held me back from telling Ryan how much she was
bothering me when she first started getting under my skin. That was
my big mistake. But… normally, he would have just known without my
having to say a word. I pulled the towel loose from my still-damp
hair, and it fell heavily around my face. I pushed it behind my
ears and dialed Meredith.

“How’s Paris?” She was exuberant when she
answered.

“I haven’t seen much of it yet. I thought
I’d give some thought to that fill before I go into the
office.”

“It’s Sunday, anyway, hon.”

“Oh, sorry, it’s all sort of a blur. Does
the Paris staff know about the hostile takeover?” I asked, only
half kidding. “I wouldn’t like it if someone showed up on my turf
unannounced ready to rearrange everything.”

Meredith laughed. “They expected you six
months ago, babes. But don’t worry, I told them it’s temporary and
that you’re there because you’re an ace. You’ll show them how to
get things done and that will be that. Unless… you decide you want
to stay for good. In which case, Monique will be fired.”

My face screwed up at her nonchalant
dismissal of another person’s worth. “No, Meredith. I promise… that
won’t be the case.” Without giving her room to form an argument
toward her cause, I asked when I could expect Andrea and Mike.

“Flying out tomorrow. John was sure pissed
that I’m taking all of you. It’s beyond me why he’s scrambling. He
knew it was coming.”

I wasn’t sure my New York publisher did,
considering I had no intention of taking this job, given Ryan’s and
my plans. I could understand how he would be put out, and I felt a
flash of guilt for the short notice. “I’ll call him. That’s the
beauty of wireless. I can still do my job from here, if I need
to.”

“Honey, that’s admirable, but concentrate on
the job at hand.”

“I want to be busy, so I don’t mind working
for both of you.”

“Me first, John second. Got it?”

“Got it, but he would disagree. I did
promise to do the fill for February. Two pages shouldn’t be
difficult. How is that issue stacking up here?”

“Shitty, I’m sure.”

“Your confidence is overwhelming.”

“You have no idea,” she answered blandly. I
could hear her pulling on a cigarette then blowing it all out.

“I’ll try to think of a feature we can use
in both. That way, I can ease into it and, hopefully, not piss
anyone off over here.”

“Who cares? Piss off whoever you need to, as
long as you get the job done.”

After I hung up, I returned the call from my
parents. I’d planned to make light of it all and just say I had an
emergency fire, but when my dad told me Ryan called him, I had to
come clean. Thank God I didn’t have to speak to my mother, but he
made me promise to call her later in the week.

I dressed in jeans, a heavy wool sweater,
and kept the make-up to a minimum. I didn’t feel like taking the
time, and I didn’t really care what I looked like. I hoped getting
out and exploring Paris, most specifically the Louvre, would
lighten my mood and spark my creative juices for the magazine
article. My stomach felt empty, but somehow not hungry, so I didn’t
bother with breakfast. I donned knee-high black leather walking
boots and pulled on my long wool coat and mittens, shoving my phone
into my purse and heading out of the hotel into the biting cold
January air.