A Love Like This (18 page)

The rain pattered on the widows, and the
grayness of the late fall day made the apartment dark. We were
lying on the couch all tangled up together and it was nothing short
of heaven. I tilted my head back to glance up into Ryan’s face and
was surprised to find his bright blue eyes open and a small smile
curving his perfect mouth. My fingers slid beneath the hem of his
navy blue t-shirt to curl into the solid muscles beneath it. I
smiled up into his amused expression.

“This feels damn good,” he murmured. His
fingers brushed my chin just before his open mouth took mine in a
soft kiss. “Mmmm… tastes damn good, too.”

“Let’s stay here forever.”

“Sounds amazing. I’m in.”

I laughed softly as his arms tightened
slightly.

Ryan turned toward me, grunting slightly as
his injured shoulder moved. His arm slid beneath me, his other hand
on my hip pulled me close and over him until my knees rested beside
his hips. Both of his hands moved to hold my face, his thumbs
running along my cheek and jaw. His face turned serious and the
smile on my face faded in response. “Ryan, are you hurt? Be
careful, honey.”

“I’m fine.”

I bent to run a path of kisses along his jaw
and up to his earlobe, which I pulled between my teeth. Ryan
shuddered beneath me. Warm fingers ran lovingly down my arms and
back again. “Baby, I want to talk.”

I sat up at the serious tone in his voice
and remained straddling his lap, Ryan holding both of my hands in
his. “What is it?”

Ryan’s brow was furrowed as he studied me,
and I pulled one hand free to reach out and touch his face. “Ryan,
what is it?” I asked again.

“Last night…” he paused, “It has me
thinking. Maybe we need to talk more about trying to conceive.”

My lips pressed together as I struggled for
words. I frowned and shook my head. “But, I thought we decided. I’m
off the pill. Are you having second thoughts because of Jane?”

He shook his head. “Not because of Jane.
It’s always about you. Is this what you really want? I know I want
it, but are you just doing it for me?”

I huffed under my breath and plowed both
hands through my hair, clutching at my scalp. “No, Ryan. I want a
baby, too. I didn’t think this was the best time, but I’ve always
wanted it.”

“Don’t get your panties in a bunch. That’s
my job.” He teased, smiling all the way up into his eyes and my
heart melted as the back of Ryan’s fingers brushed down my cheek.
“I just want to make sure. You’re right. We both work like crazy
and I don’t want to be unfair to you.”

Our fingers threaded together, his eyes
intensely searching for each subtle emotion on my face. I’d never
be able to hide from him, even if I wanted to.

“I wish I was already pregnant. After last
night, my perspective has changed.”

“In what way?” He knew what I was saying and
still he was going to make me say it.

“Life is short and you never know what could
happen. What if something happened to one of us? We’d at least have
part of each other to hold on to…” My words dropped off, emotion
cracking my voice as my eyes welled. “What if I’d lost you?” I felt
the grief at the possibility as strongly as if it had happened and
the tears tumbled down my face uncontrollably as a sob broke free
against my will.

“Hey.” Ryan immediately sat up to enfold me
in his strong embrace. His hand tangled in my hair at the back of
my head. I buried my face in his good shoulder and pulled him
closer to me. Ryan kissed the side of my face, following the tracks
of my tears to my mouth. “Hey,” he soothed again. “Oh, baby. Jules,
you know you’re my whole world. I love you, so much.”

“I love you, too,” I croaked out. My fingers
curled into his nape and I hung on for dear life.

“We’ll make our baby, but I was unfair this
weekend. I shouldn’t have been such a prick when Ellie needed
you.”

I pulled back and stared at his face, tears
still clinging to my lashes, and sniffed. “Really?”

He nodded. “Really.” His fingers stroked up
and then dragged down my arms and back again; his touch so
reverent. “Let’s just be together. Make love when we want, with no
pressure, but no precautions. It will happen when it’s supposed to
happen.”

I bit my lip, his tenderness touching me at
the very core, and I nodded. “Okay. Remember what you told me?”

“Yeah.” Ryan pushed my hair off my face and
behind my ear. “The baby will choose when. He’s waiting.”

“He?” I asked, pushing up his navy blue
t-shirt to expose his hard stomach and the happy trail that
disappeared into his old faded jeans. “What if it’s a girl?”

“Then I’ll suffer through, I suppose!” Ryan
laughed softly and I leaned down to kiss him and he responded with
ardent hunger, signaling he wanted to get down to baby-making
pronto. “You know I’d love to have a little girl that looks just
like her mom,” he whispered against my lips. I wasn’t sure why, but
those words were a huge turn on, like he’d just made my ovaries
explode and I couldn’t wait to get pregnant by him.

“What’s in your Kool-Aid?” I teased, going
in for another kiss.

“What?” Ryan laughed against my lips.

“You always know what to say. It’s like you
weave some magic spell to turn me to goo.”

Ryan’s hands ran down the side of my body,
from the sides of my breasts down over my hips until they cupped my
butt. His long fingers wound around the back half of my thighs and
he massaged gently, his blue eyes intent on mine. “I like you
gooey.” He grinned.

“I know you do.” I giggled. I loved every
minute with him. “I can get you all gooey, too, you know.”

“Mmmm, huh.” His eyes lidded and his chin
lifted so he could take my mouth again.

The timer beeping in the kitchen put the
kibosh to our love play.

“Awww, hell!”

I kissed his mouth lightly and then dusted
my lips over his cheekbone and then pressed them into his temple.
The scent of his skin mixed in with his cologne and I silently
cursed the confection in the oven.

“Something smells good.”

My nose traced his cheek before I sat up.
“You can say that again.”

“What’s in the oven, sweet?”

“I made butterscotch cake for dessert.” I
jumped up and rushed into the kitchen, not wanting to let it
over-bake. I’d already lingered long enough.

“Oh, my God. Really? Do you need help?”

“No, baby, you rest. It will be at least an
hour and fifteen until dinner is ready, so go back to your
nap.”

“That long?”

“You asked for Pork Medallions and glazed
apples, Ryan. You know that takes a while.” I threw the words over
my shoulder as I removed the two cake pans from the oven with
potholders.

“I’ll help,” Ryan said from just behind
me.

“Did you ever consider that I won’t have as
much time to lavish on food once we have a baby?” I set the pans on
a wire rack to cool and moved to the refrigerator to take out the
pork tenderloin I’d purchased earlier. Ryan sat on one of the
kitchen stools as I removed the packaging and began to slice the
meat.

“It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

I could feel his eyes running down my body
and lingering on my ass. I glanced in his direction and he smiled
guiltily.

“You say that now. But we’ll also lose time
in bed.”

“We’ll see.”

I lined the meat up on a wooden cutting
board and Ryan rummaged around in a drawer for the metal meat
mallet.

I sighed softly and he came up behind me and
wrapped his arms around me, his warm breath rushing over my neck
just as his lips pressed to the skin below my ear. I trembled in
his arms. “We’ll still be us, Julia. We won’t lose the mad
love.”

“Promise?”

His arms tightened. “You know that’s
impossible. Don’t you?” His lips continued their sweet torture down
the cord of my neck and suddenly I wanted to scrap making the meal
and head to bed. Instead, I layered my arms on his and leaned back
into my husband.

“Yes.”

“I understand that’s what you’re worried
about, but don’t be. After eight and a half years, I’m still crazy
for you. Six or seven pounds of baby isn’t going to change
that.”

“What about fifty or sixty pounds of Julia?”
I asked sardonically.

Ryan laughed out loud.

“Well? We’re newlyweds. What if I turn into
a whale?”

“You’ll be gorgeous and I’ll still want you.
I already told you.”

“Hmmm.”

Ryan’s phone buzzed on the counter, he went
to answer it while I pulled the flour canister open to begin the
dredge for the meat.

He frowned at his phone.

“What is it?”

“It’s a text from Jane. She wants me to call
her.”

“Okay,” I agreed. I figured he must have
left his number with her before he came home.

“You’re sure?”

“Ryan, please. The poor girl is in the
hospital and she just went through a horrid ordeal with you. She
probably needs to talk about it and you’re the natural choice. I
got this.”

“You’re amazing. It won’t take long.” Ryan
hesitated at the edge of the kitchen. “I wanted to help you pound
the meat.”

I laughed. “You’re so funny, but I did it
already.” I lifted one piece of flour-dredged meat up for his
inspection. “See?”

“Really, it was an excuse to be with
you.”

“Awww!” I went over and touched his cheek,
standing on my tiptoes to kiss his mouth. His lips opened under
mine, sucking my lower lip into his mouth. It was always so sexy
the way he did that and it encouraged me to give similar treatment
to his upper lip. The familiar warmth began to spread but I forced
myself out of his arms. “We have all night. Go on.”

Ryan started to dial the number and exited
the kitchen, leaving me to giggle at the flour fingerprints I’d
intentionally left on his cheek.

~6~

I glanced at the round clock on the wall of
the examining room. It was noon and my stomach was rumbling. The
last patient was resting comfortably after we’d gotten her
stabilized and she would soon be moved to the cardiac unit. She was
elderly and suffered a moderate heart attack and was admitted with
chest pain, shortness of breath and sweating. We gave oxygen and
nitroglycerin and after the attending physician approved my
recommendations, she was scheduled for an EKG, and ultrasounds of
her heart and coronary arteries. The tests would be done and a
diagnosis made by the cardiologist on duty upstairs, so my job was
done. I nodded back at Kari, indicating my exit and that she would
be left to monitor things until the patient was moved upstairs.

I assured the patient, “We’re just going to
see what caused the heart attack and the cardiologists will decide
the best course of treatment, okay? You’ll have a few tests.”

“Thank you, young man. You surely saved my
life.” Her arthritic hands reached out to grab one of mine. I
smiled warmly at her.

“Naw! You aren’t going anywhere for quite
some time.” I was pleased to see color returning to her weathered
cheeks.

“I bet you’d like my granddaughter, Aimee.
Did you see her? She’s pretty, isn’t she? And, she’s very smart.
She’ll be back in to see me later.” The old woman’s blue eyes
sparkled hopefully, her breath fogging up the oxygen mask when she
spoke.

I couldn’t help but grin. “She is very
pretty,” I agreed about the dark haired girl who’d brought the
woman in to the hospital. I lifted my left hand and pointed to the
ring with my right index finger. “But, I’m married. If you speak
too much right now, you’ll inhale the carbon dioxide you’ve just
exhaled and it makes the blood vessels in your lungs constrict.
You’ll get short of breath so you should refrain from talking as
long as you need oxygen, okay? If you need it upstairs, they’ll use
a cannula.” She started to speak again. “No!” I stopped her with a
wry look and patted her hand. I was rewarded with a resigned nod
before I left the room.

I glanced around the ER looking for Jane.
More and more, it had become my habit. She was back to work and
physically fine, but she visibly jumped at any loud noises or
shouting that sometimes occurred when the paramedics brought in a
critical patient. I’d seen her earlier and she was in a good mood,
so I prayed to God that my evening wouldn’t be interrupted. Again.
That had become another habit. Jane was recovering well physically;
mentally and emotionally, she was fragile with little or no support
from her asshole boyfriend or her family. I let the desk personnel
know I was grabbing some lunch and checked my pager to see what
messages came in while I was with my last patient, expecting a page
from Jane. There seemed to always be a page from Jane, but,
thankfully, there wasn’t one.

I didn’t know how to refer to that hideous
night in my head.
Incident
seemed so “CSI”, but it sure as
hell wasn’t an accident. My shoulder, now fully healed, was left
with its angry red scar as the only reminder; except for Jane. When
she talked about it, she always called it ‘that night’. Well,
that night
, had fucked us all.