A Love Like This (16 page)

I woke with a start. The light was streaming
in, the bright rays of the late September morning breaking through
the cracks in the blinds. The bed was empty next to me, the covers
pushed back and the indent of Ryan’s head still on the pillow.

“Ryan?” I called into the empty apartment,
already knowing I’d get no answer. I crawled out of bed and walked
out of the bedroom. The phone in my purse was conspicuously absent
of calls. Not even one from Andrea telling me we had some fire to
put out at the magazine. “Oh,” I mumbled. Realizing she, and
everyone else at Vogue, thought I was still in California. Still,
being out of town never stopped them before.

My stomach rumbled and I rubbed it, walking
into the kitchen to find something to eat. The smell of freshly
brewed coffee was welcoming as was the note propped up against the
wall next to it.

Hey, Babe,

I wanted to get to the hospital before Jane
wakes up. Meet me there? Take a cab, I have the car. I love
you,

~R

P.S. I didn’t want to wake you. You looked
so beautiful.

I lifted the note to my nose and inhaled
softly. Just the slightest whiff of his cologne laced the paper. I
was sure Ryan hadn’t eaten. I looked at the clock and decided a few
more minutes wouldn’t matter. I pulled out a bowl and quickly
whipped up some lemon poppy seed muffins and popped them in the
oven before rushing through a short shower and dressing quickly in
old jeans and Ryan’s Harvard sweatshirt. It was overly large and
hung loosely off of one shoulder, leaving the straps of my dark
blue, knit cami showing. I shoved the burgundy sweatshirt back into
place but it was a useless effort. The material was worn and soft
from overuse, the gold letters faded on the front, but I loved
wearing his things.

After the muffins were cooled and nestled in
linen in our picnic basket, I pulled my hair into a messy knot at
the back of my head, and shoved my feet into my old Chuck Taylors.
Far from glamorous, for sure, but I didn’t care.

The air was cool, the wind blowing in from
the east was brisk and had me wishing I’d grabbed a jacket, but it
wasn’t long before I was nestled in the back of a cab and on the
way to the hospital. I felt anxious; unsure what I’d say to the
woman who had saved my husband’s life. My throat tightened and my
eyes began to burn. How do you thank someone for that? I sighed; at
a loss to find the words in my mind. The reality hit me that it was
more than a possibility that I could’ve been a widow today if it
weren’t for her. I quickly brushed the two fat tears that escaped
down my cheeks away and wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand.
Ryan and I had faced so much, but this? I physically shuddered and
my throat constricted. It was silly. Ryan was fine, but if I let
myself, I’d start sobbing like a baby.

The cab driver made a comment about the
picnic basket and how good whatever was in it smelled, so I left
him with two of the muffins with the cab fare. He thanked me with a
smile, his eyes suspicious at the glassiness of mine.

“Miss, are you all right?”

I smiled tremulously. “Yes! I’m happy,
that’s all. It’s missus. I’m married!” I jumped out of the car and
hurried into the hospital’s main entrance without a backward
glance. It occurred to me that I didn’t know Jane’s last name and
I’d have to figure out what floor she was on.

I stopped and glanced around. An older woman
with short, bluish hair in a light pink hospital smock sat at the
information desk. She watched me as I floundered in the lobby.

“May I help you, young lady?”

“Yes, my name is Julia Matthews. Last night
in the ER…” I began.

“Oh, yes, dear. That was just dreadful! I
mean, to think of those hoodlums rushing in here like that! It was
all over the news this morning. I suppose it will be a media circus
around here now… the state of the world is in shambles…” she
rambled on and waved her hands about.

“Yes, ma’am. My husband works in Emergency
and he was here…”

“Oh, goodness! I hope he’s all right?” she
interrupted me again.

“He was injured, but not seriously.”

“Thank the Lord for that!”

“There was a nurse injured and I’d like to
check on her. Unfortunately, I don’t remember her last name. I
guess I can go to the ER and ask someone.”

“Her name is Jane Cooper, dear. Is your
husband that dear Dr. Ryan?”

I smiled brightly. “Yes! Do you know
him?”

“He’s a sweetie. He buys Vogue every month
at the gift shop and gives it to me. Of course, I thought it
strange, such a virile young man reading a woman’s magazine, but he
explained that his wife works there.” Acknowledgement dawned on her
face, pale with too much powder than punctuated with too much
blush. “You?” She pointed a long, bony finger at me, and
smiled.

I nodded, my cheeks infused with heat.
“Guilty. I didn’t know he bought it, though. It may be because I
don’t bring copies home. Work intrudes enough.”

The woman smiled, her bright red, Marilyn
Monroe-esque lipstick a stark contrast to her pale skin. “She’s
been moved out of critical care; in room 511 dear. You go right on
up.” She waved me toward the steel doors of the elevators to our
left. “Say hello to your handsome husband for me, if he’s
here.”

“I expect that he is. It was very nice to
meet you…” I hesitated.

“Oh, Louise. But Ryan calls me Louie. Now,
don’t be jealous, honey.” Her light blue eyes sparkled from her
jovial expression.

I couldn’t help but giggle. “I won’t. It’s
so nice to meet you, Louie!”

The ride to the 5th floor was fast and I
quickly found Jane’s room. The door was partially closed but I
could see Ryan sitting on a chair he’d pulled close to the edge of
the bed. There was no one else in the room and their voices were
hushed. Uncharacteristically dressed in jeans and a hooded
sweatshirt, his hair messier; he looked like he hadn’t showered. I
expected as much in his rush to get here.

Ryan leaned toward Jane, hunched over and
brushing her hair back, though I could tell from the stiff way he
moved, his shoulder was killing him. My heart constricted in pain
for them both and suddenly hatred for those responsible filled my
chest in a suffocating way. Last night, I was scared and just glad
Ryan and Jane were okay, but now, I was angry at the men
responsible. My lips thinned and I leaned my head on the door,
taking a deep breath before tapping on it softly.

Ryan sat up and turned around,
acknowledgment settled on his features as he waved me in. My eyes
searched his, and the sadness behind them told me all I needed to
know. Jane hadn’t taken the news well. How could she? I’d be
devastated if I were in her position.

For the first time, I saw Jane’s face. There
were tears running down her cheeks and she was trying to wipe at
them with the back of the hand that wasn’t laden down with IVs.

“Jane, I hope you don’t mind. Julia wanted
to stop by.” Ryan stood and came to me as I walked into the room,
sliding his arm around my waist and placing a light kiss on my
temple. “Morning, babe.”

My hand flattened on Ryan’s stomach as his
arm tightened around me. I wanted to melt into him and rest my head
on his chest, to hold on for dear life, but resisted the urge out
of respect for Jane. I smiled at Jane and handed Ryan the basket of
muffins. “I brought breakfast. Can Jane have one?”

“Oh, I’m not very hungry,” Jane said weakly.
She looked pale and very sad. I couldn’t help but wonder where her
family and boyfriend were. Jane tried to smile at me as I moved
toward her.

“Is it okay if I sit down for a minute?”
When Jane nodded, I took Ryan’s place on the chair and reached for
her hand. I felt the familiar sting behind my eyes and my throat
tightened as emotion filled my chest at the poor girl’s plight.

“Jane,” I began, her face beginning to blur
behind the tears filling my eyes. “I can’t even begin to thank you
for what you’ve done.” My voice cracked and Ryan’s hand came down
on my shoulder and squeezed gently and I blinked back the tears.
“To risk yourself like that to save Ryan… I don’t know what I would
have done if I’d lost him. I’ll never be able to repay you.” I
squeezed her hand. Jane’s pale blue eyes also welled as her face
crumpled.

“You don’t have to repay me. Ryan would have
done the same for me.”

I nodded, wiping at my tears and reaching
for one, then another tissue. “I know he would, but it still
doesn’t lessen my gratitude. I’m so sorry this happened to
you.”

She looked away and the struggle to keep
from sobbing was clear on her face. She closed her eyes and bit her
lip with the effort.

“Jane, you should try to calm down. You
won’t recover properly if you don’t rest,” Ryan warned.

I tried to smile at the woman in the bed and
nodded in Ryan’s direction. “Always a doctor.” Jane nodded as I
handed her a tissue.

“A hungry one!” He laughed uncomfortably and
patted his stomach. I smiled weakly at my husband, understanding
that the brilliant smile split across his face was superficial and
designed to lighten the mood. “Starving! I’m going to get some
coffee to have with these muffins! I’ll be right back.”

It was obvious to me that he was giving me
some time alone with Jane. When Ryan walked out of the room, I was
a little lost for words, with Jane staring blankly at me. I knew
that pain. “I’m sorry if Ryan seemed uncomfortable, Jane. He’s just
glad you’re alive, and believe it or not, he does empathize. He
feels responsible.”

“He’s a good man. Very good,” she whispered
weakly, tears still dripping from her eyes. She sniffed and weakly
lifted her left arm to wipe at her face with the tissue I’d given
her. “One of the best I know.”

Emotion erupted and I struggled to keep my
voice even, despite the thickening in my throat. “Yes. He’s very
concerned for you and couldn’t wait to get here to see you.” Jane’s
chin began to quiver and I reached out for her hand. “Jane, I’m so
sorry.” I felt helpless. What could I say to ease her pain?

“I always wanted a little baby,” she cried
through the words.

My hand squeezed around hers, my heart
breaking for her. “I don’t know if this will help you, but Ryan and
I lost a baby. I understand how much it hurts.” Silent tears
tumbled from my eyes onto my cheeks.

Her light blue eyes widened and then
squeezed shut as another sob broke free of her chest. “But now,
I’ll never have one! I’ll never be able to hold my baby in my arms!
Ever!” Her shoulders shook as she sobbed, and even as she grimaced
in pain, there was nothing to stop her misery. “You can still have
one!”

I closed my eyes and held tightly to her
hand in silence. Words didn’t seem like enough. What could anyone
say to ease her pain? She was right; she wouldn’t ever know the joy
of holding her own child in her arms. I ached to speak of adoption
and the many unwanted children that needed someone wonderful to
care for them, but couldn’t insult her with patronizing clichés. I
knew I’d be pissed if someone said something so trite while I was
still reeling in shock from such a tragedy. There would be plenty
of time for those conversations when she was stronger. I looked
around the room wondering where her boyfriend was, imagining how
alone I would have been without Ryan by my side when I’d remembered
our baby. And when I’d lost my memory and wasn’t able to remember
him, he was always with me. I felt sick for Jane that the one
person she needed the most wasn’t there.

When Ryan returned, his handsome face
twisted in concern and he quickly set the coffee he’d brought on
the tray table next to Jane’s bed. Rushing around to the opposite
side of the bed, he sat down and put his good arm around her
shoulders, careful not to jostle her, but wanting to offer comfort.
She turned her face into his neck and cried harder.

“Shhh, Jane. I’m sorry.” He rocked her and I
bit my lip and looked away, struggling to hold back my own emotions
and feeling like I was intruding somehow. It was so horrible what
Jane had lost and the evidence of what I had gained because of her
sacrifice, sat there, trying to comfort his friend. Ryan’s sad blue
eyes rose to mine and I folded my arms across my stomach and raised
the tissue in my hand to stem my tears. I wanted to hug them
both.

“I’m sorry. It’s going to be okay” Guilt,
compassion, sadness and empathy, I could read it all on Ryan’s face
as he said the words. He was in hell. He didn’t know if it would be
okay. He knew time deadens the sharp, evil twist of pain, but it
doesn’t erase it. This would leave scars, but there was little else
either of us could do to offer comfort.

“I’m still glad it was me and not you,
Ryan,” Jane sobbed. “I’m still glad.”

He didn’t respond, just held her until her
sobs lessened as I fought off my own tears.

“Are you hungry?” I stood and went to gather
the basket where Ryan had placed it on the window seat. “I hope you
don’t mind the muffins. I thought you might feel up to eating a
little something, and from what Ryan tells me, hospital food
sucks.”

“Ryan calls it barf,” Jane stated simply, a
weak smile finally lifting her pale lips as she sniffled back the
last of her tears. She was still getting blood, but her complexion
was ghostly, her blonde hair fell in fine wispy strands around her
head to her shoulders.

I smiled wider and shook my head with an
amused huff. “Well, he would. He’s spoiled.”

Ryan chuckled. “Don’t listen to a word Julia
says,” he teased but threw a wink in my direction. He was trying. I
was trying. But still, Jane was alone in this room with two people
who weren’t her family or even close friends.

“He’s amazing.” Jane studied my face as the
silence began to expand between us. What could I say? I’d always
felt that way about him.