A Love of Her Own (17 page)

“
So tell me, what made you infertile?”

She sighed.
“Both of my fallopian tubes are scarred. I’ve always been prone to what’s generally known as ‘female trouble.’ Years ago I had a minor outpatient procedure called a D&C because I had bleeding that wouldn’t stop. I always felt that was where the scarring came from. Believe me, I thought of suing the doctor, but he conveniently dropped dead of a heart attack a few months later.”

“
Have you thought of trying other methods to conceive?”

“
I discussed it with a doctor when I was married, but I wasn’t impressed. He explained that the success rate would be low for me because of the condition of my tubes. It cost a fortune and wasn’t covered by my insurance. I couldn’t see going into debt to the tune of thirty or forty thousand dollars with no guaranteed results. And to be honest, I didn’t like the idea. It all sounded so unnatural, so scientific. Besides, I consulted a fertility specialist as a last resort. I pretty much knew from the look on my ex-husband’s face that the best thing to do was divorce him and let him find someone who could give him what he wanted more than anything.”

“
The divorce was your idea?”

“
Yes. He resisted, but I think in his heart he knew it was the right decision. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me that day, like I wasn’t his wife, but a stranger who was standing in the way of his attaining his dream I can’t explain it, Hilton, but it’s the type of memory that stays with you always.” She shuddered as she recalled that dark day, then smiled as she felt Hilton’s arm tighten protectively around her.

“
Anyway, I went in the hospital and had my fibroids removed, like the fertility specialist recommended. We stayed together through that, but I knew it was over. A few weeks later, after I recovered, I moved out. Two months after that I filed for divorce.”

“
Did he come after you, at least? Try to get you back?”

“No.” It came out as a broken whisper.

“And you never had a serious relationship since.”

“
I never let anyone get too close,” she replied, then added softly, “Until now.”

He
wanted to ask her if she loved him, but decided against it. He didn’t want to press her. She’d spent years convincing herself that love would never come her way again. It would take some time for her to revise her thinking. He’d just have to be patient.

For a few moments they laid quietly in the dark, and then he asked,
“I’ve been curious about something. Last week you said something about your mother not thinking you deserve the best. You described her as ‘difficult.’ Would you tell me what you meant?”

“
It’s hard to put into words, Hilton. It’s difficult to even think about it.”

“
Why not just get it all out? You’ve kept this all bottled up inside you for far too long. I’m right here, sweetheart. You know you can tell me.”

“
I know.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The thought pained her terribly, and even more so when put into words. “My mother… doesn’t love me as much as she would if I’d been able to give her grandchildren.”

“
That’s a pretty strong statement, don’t you think?”

“
It’s the truth. I can feel it. She much prefers my sister-in-law to me.”

“
Have you spoken to her about it?”

“
No.”

“
I think you should. You’ll probably learn it’s not true.”

She didn
’t reply, and he felt her grow rigid in his arms.

“
Look,” Hilton tried again. “You only have one mother. Wouldn’t you feel terrible if she left this earth before you got around to telling her how you felt? You’d regret it the rest of your life.”

“
You’ve got a point,” she said grudgingly.

“
Ava, I’ve spent all of my adult life missing my mother. I cherish my memories of the family life we had before she died with my father and brother and me. After that my father hired a housekeeper, but of course caring for us was only a job for her. I’ve always felt cheated because of my mother’s early death. I guess that’s why I always wanted my son to have both his parents living together in harmony, as they say.”

“
I learned a long time ago that we don’t always get what we want out of life,” she remarked in a wistful tone.

Hilton sat up abruptly, startling her
. “I need to know something, Ava. Are you still in love with your ex-husband?”

Immediately she realized the implication of her words
. She followed his lead and shifted to a sitting position, covering herself with the bed linens. “No, Hilton. I never had any doubts that I did the right thing as far as my marriage was concerned. It’s just the idea. You see, I was raised to believe that one day I would get married in a lovely wedding and then go off with my husband and have a couple of kids, and that I’d have grandchildren in my later years. If my mother told me once she told me a hundred times, ‘Wait ‘til you have kids of your own.’ I fell for the whole thing. It never, ever occurred to me that my marriage would fail, and I
never
thought I wouldn’t be able to have children.” She was surprised at how easily her thoughts flowed into words. It felt so natural to share her innermost thoughts with Hilton.

“Our
ideas are molded from our childhoods,” she continued. “You wanted your son raised with both his parents because you lost your mother young. My ex-husband wanted a family he felt was his, not someone else’s, because he always felt like a visitor at his foster homes. And I wanted…well, what I wanted isn’t important.”

“
Sure it is. You’re not being fair to yourself by saying it’s not.”

She shook her head
. “No. It’s
not
important. The important thing is that I learned to deal with it.”

“
How? By withdrawing from the world? By avoiding your own mother because of some preconceived notion that’s probably half-cocked? That might work for a while, but in the long run it’ll fail you, Ava. You’ll become resentful and bitter. I don’t believe that’s what you want.”

She shut her eyes and tried to block out the pain in her heart.

“Come here.” He cupped her jaw and leaned in close. As they kissed they slid back into a reclining position. “I’m glad you don’t still have feelings for your ex,” he whispered when their lips parted. “I don’t mind telling you I want you all to myself.”

“Hilton, about what you said earlier
about your feelings for me—”

“Shh
,” he said, pressing his lips to her closed eyelids. “It’s all right. But I want you to know, I didn’t say it just to get you into bed.”

“I know that.”

“I won’t lie and say I don’t want you to say those words to me, but this is a special situation. You’ve spent too long convincing yourself this would never happen to you. I want you to be comfortable with my feelings for you, and honest in your feelings for me, and that’s going to take some time. I don’t mind being patient, Ava, because I want us to have a good, solid relationship.” His body tensed. “I haven’t been too lucky in love myself. But having the type of relationship both of us have always wanted, I think that’s worth waiting for, don’t you?”

She nodded.
With her index finger she traced the outer edge of his mouth, while her other hand sought the essence of his maleness and squeezed gently.

Hilton g
runted loudly at her touch. He quickly rolled over on his back and reached for his wallet. After her applied a fresh condom he guided her above him. He admired her perfect form, her defined waistline, the flare of her hips and the bounce of her rounded breasts as she rhythmically rose and lowered her body, as well as the rapturous look on her face as he filled her, knowing her ecstasy was mirrored in his own expression.

Chapter
14

A
va slept later than usual the next morning. She grabbed her bathrobe and went down to the kitchen. Khufu immediately began sniffing at her thighs, then looked up at her with what she would have sworn was an I-know-what-you’ve-been-up-to expression. In a reflex action she tightened the belt of her robe.

“
You’ll have to wait until I’m dressed,” she said as she rubbed the dog’s back. “I’ve got a lot to do. Hilton’s here, and I’m going to make him breakfast.”

The dog whimpered, and she said, “You’re going to have to get used to him being around, Khufu.”

She smiled at that thought as she put the kettle on and arranged bacon strips on the racks of a microwave cooker that allowed the grease to drip down, then heated a skillet and scrambled eggs in a bowl. On impulse she took two hash brown patties out of the freezer. She was ravenous. It was the sex, she knew; the same reason she had slept like the dead.

“
Good morning.”

She turned to see Hilton standing in his t-shirt and jeans, barefoot
. “Hi!”

He moved to face her and kissed her sweetly
. “Why don’t you let me finish this? I know you’ve got to get to work, and it’s nearly nine.”

“
If you’re sure you don’t mind…”

“
Of course not. Go on.”

Upstairs, she took
a shower with speed that would make a conservation advocate proud, then put on fresh underwear and slipped back into her bathrobe. Hilton looked so relaxed in his half-undressed state, she felt it would spoil the mood if she were to show up dressed for the street.

They ate, a meal filled with easy conversation and giddy smiles as they enjoyed this new intimacy of the morning after.
After breakfast she returned upstairs to finish dressing. When she returned to do the dishes she saw Hilton had already done them.

“
You didn’t have to do that!” she exclaimed.

“
No problem. It’s not like I consider myself a guest.”

The question
begged to be asked. “So what do you consider yourself?”

“
More like family.”

*****

Ava had expected Marcus to come to Beginnings late on Saturday afternoon, but she was surprised to see him accompanied by Hilton. “Hi! How’d you two hook up?”

“
I spotted him walking and picked him up,” Hilton explained.

Marcus’s eyes shone with excitement.
“Guess what? Mr. Hilton was just going to take us out to eat, but now he says he’s going to take us to the movies, too!”

“
Oh? And whose idea was that?”

“
Well…I kinda said I wanted to see that new movie with The Rock.”

Ava
exchanged an amused glance with Hilton. “Why are we so good to this kid?”

“
I was going to ask you the same thing. We’re spoiling him rotten.”

“
But I’m good,” Marcus protested. “I even put my money in the bank like you said.”

“
What’s this?” Ava asked, her eyes wide with curiosity.

“
Mr. Hilton took me to the bank yesterday. He made me put my money in and said I’ll have to do that every week,” Marcus said with a scowl.

“
Let’s clarify this, Sport. First, I brought you to a credit union, not a bank. Second, I only had you put in fifteen dollars. You’ve still got ten for yourself.”

“
Ten dollars sounds like plenty of money for an eight-year-old,” Ava remarked.

“
I’ll be nine on February eighth. That’s pretty soon.”

“
It’s a lot for a nine-year-old, too. You see, Marcus, Mr. Hilton is trying to show you that you don’t go out and spend every dollar you make. Of course, when you’re grown and have bills you won’t be able to put away that much of your income, but you should try for ten cents of every dollar you bring home. One day you’ll be glad you did.”

*****

They had dinner at Wilson’s Rib Shack and made the eight o’clock show. All of them enjoyed the film, but for Ava the nicest moment came when they were leaving and a woman asked her how her husband and son liked the movie. Hilton, having overheard the question, provided a reply. “We all loved it,” he said jovially, putting a possessive arm around Ava’s shoulder.

Back at her house Marcus obediently went up to prepare for bed, giving Ava and Hilton a few private moments.

“So, Marcus spends his weekends with you, and next weekend Max will be with me. I guess the memory of last night will have to hold us until we’re able to make a newer one, huh?” he asked as they embraced.

“
It was nice, wasn’t it?”

“
It was more than nice. It was possibly the most profound experience of my life.”

She met his gaze, surprised by the fervor
in his voice. “Was it?”

“
Absolutely. One day I’ll tell you why. No—” he added when her mouth began to form a question. “I won’t tell you now.” He gave her a kiss that made her body quake with desire, and then he was gone.

Neither of them noticed Marcus
on the upstairs landing, grinning broadly as he watched their interaction.

*****

Max was due in on Tuesday evening. Ava was excited at the prospect of meeting Hilton’s son. She waited to hear from him, and finally at nine o’clock she called his house. At the very least he could tell her his son had arrived safely.

His voice sounded strained when he answered
. “Can I get back to you?”

She stared at the receiver before hanging up
. What was going on?

It was eleven-thirty when he called back
. “I’m sorry to call so late.”

“
Is everything all right, Hilton? You sound like you’ve been through a wringer.”

“
Well, they got here all right. But there’s been a development.”

“
Oh? What’s happened?”

“
I don’t know the full story, but apparently there’s some kind of a clash between Max and Janelle’s husband. She’s asked me to take custody of him for the rest of the school year.”

“
I don’t get it. I’d expect you to be thrilled, but you seem…apprehensive.”

“
No, I’m happy, believe me. I just didn’t expect her to tell me that. This whole thing has come as a big surprise. I’m sure this friction has been going on since the day they got married, but of course I’m always the last to know.”

“
Have you met her husband?”

“
Yes, I met him before they were married and saw him again when I was up there over both Thanksgiving and Christmas. He seemed like a decent enough fellow, but from what Janelle tells me now he’s not too crazy about kids.”

For a moment Ava could say nothing.
“You’d think they would have had that discussion before they got married,” she said incredulously. “I mean, surely he knew Max existed before they said ‘I do.’ He lives with her, after all.”

“
He does, but she’s always sending him to stay with her family members. I’m not sure if he even knew Max existed while he and Janelle were dating or if she sprung Max on him at the last minute. Anyhow…well…”

“Go ahead and say it,” she said evenly. It was clear he was reluctant to tell her something
, which meant it couldn’t possibly be anything good.

“Yeah.
Ava, we thought it would be good for Max if Janelle stayed for a few days, so he won’t feel like he’s been dumped. I haven’t spent as much with him as I would have liked, and the adjustment is going to be difficult for him. I don’t want him crying for Mommy every night.”

“
It seems to me that if she’d let you see him as often as you wanted to there wouldn’t be a problem now,” she replied tightly. “I’m sure you’re as good a caretaker as anyone in her family.”

“
I know. You already know how I feel, Ava. I like what we have, and I don’t want it spoiled by any outside source. Now, Janelle offered to stay at a hotel, but Max wanted her to stay in the house with us.”

Ava felt her jawbones tighten
.
Isn’t that cozy. I’ll bet Max cried and whined about how he didn’t want his mommy to go to a hotel. Who’s running this show, damn it, you or your six-year-old son?

“
Don’t get me wrong, Ava,” Hilton said when she didn’t reply. “I’m not the type of father to spoil a kid. It’s just that foremost in my mind is the hard time Max has had lately with his stepfather.”

“
I can understand that,” she conceded. “But does Max realize that you and Janelle are…well, that you’re not a couple anymore?”

“
Max has never known us to be a couple. We were never married and we never lived together. He might notice that other kids have parents who live in the same house and wonder why his parents don’t. But then again, maybe not. Janelle’s been telling him he has two daddies. If you ask me she’s just confusing him.”

“
Yeah, well, he’s likely to get even more confused with the three of you living under the same roof.”
Like a family,
she thought bitterly. Aloud she said, “I don’t know if I can deal with this, Hilton.”

He was silent for a moment.
“Sweetheart, I need you to work with me on this. Believe me, I intend to have a long talk with Max and make sure he understands that I’m his only father.” When she made no reply he tried again. “I know you don’t like this, but he’s my son, Ava.”

“
Yes, he is,” she said quietly. “I know he comes first, but I’m not going to say I’m happy about staying hidden in the shadows while you deal with your domestic problem.” She made a face. “How long will his mother be here, anyway?”

“
Until Sunday.”

“
Sunday,” she repeated. “I’m not a cocker spaniel, Hilton. Rolling over and playing dead is not my style.”

“
I’m not asking you to do that. You’re not being fair. We’ll still be able to see each other.”

She sighed
. “Yeah. We’ll have it all planned, and then you’ll have to cancel at the last minute because Max objects to your going out without him and his mom. Spare me.”

“
I really hoped you would understand,” he said with resignation.

“I
do
understand,” she replied dully. “You and Janelle have a child together, a bond that will link the two of you forever. Maybe I’m just jealous…I’ll never have that with you, or with anyone.”

“Don’t, Ava.”

“All right. I understand…but I don’t like it.” She fought to keep her voice steady. “It sounds too cozy for my taste.”

“
There are four bedrooms in my house, Ava. Surely you don’t think I’m going to sleep with Janelle.”

“
I have a feeling she’d like nothing better.”

“
I don’t want her, Ava. I want you.”

She
nodded, mollified by his declaration. “Keep in touch with me, all right? Let me know how things are going.”

“
You know I will.” He leaned in for a kiss.

*****

Ava felt no cause for concern when he didn’t call on Wednesday. It was his first full with Max and Janelle, and she knew he would be busy.

On Thursday she
felt disappointed when the day passed with no word from him. She joined Kendall at Kendall’s restaurant, Soul Food to Go, for an informal dinner, confiding in her friend her concerns about Hilton’s silence. Kendall’s consolation was so effective that Ava left the restaurant confident that she would hear from him the following day.

She didn
’t. By now her anger had begun to mount. What was keeping Hilton so busy that he couldn’t call her like he said he would?

Even Marcus seemed a little lost when he came to her house
Friday evening to spend the weekend. Hilton had explained to him on Monday that they wouldn’t be working the rest of the week because his son was coming to visit.

Kendall took Marcus bowling that night
. To make up for Hilton’s absence she invited her sister Maria and her children to come along. Marcus was so busy trying to score more pins than Maria’s son Isaiah, while the two of them were determined to best Maria’s nine-year-old, Kim, that he barely noticed Hilton wasn’t present.

The surprise winner among the youngsters was Maria
’s baby, six-year-old Colleen, who routinely walked up to the line and practically tossed the ball down the lane like she was free shooting a very heavy basketball, usually resulting in either a spare or downing at least seven of the ten pins in two turns. The rubber tubing the management had placed in the gutters prevented anyone from throwing out a bad ball, but neither Marcus nor Isaiah was happy about being bested by a girl younger than both of them.