A Matter of Destiny (22 page)

Joe couldn't help but feel entrapped by his human body and knew his options would soon be gone forever. He had to make up his mind.

What if Sharon never returned his feelings? He couldn't imagine living out a normal lifespan as a man without her in his life.

He'd definitely miscalculated this latest turn of events. Shouldn't he have foreseen that this would happen? Hadn't he learned anything?

He was still stunned at the memory of the look on her face that morning. Like he'd done an unspeakable thing to her.

Susan was waiting for him to comment on her last sentence, he realized, and he tried to give her his attention. He'd definitely be more sympathetic to his students who had short attention spans.

Who could tell what they might be going through inside?

After that, Sharon caught glimpses of Joe with the other woman often, and each time, she threw herself into her work, or went the other way.

The image of the couple haunted her sleep until dark shadows returned to underline her eyes.

She stared into the mirror one morning and considered how rundown she looked. At least today was Saturday, and she wouldn't have to run into "them."

Joe had made no attempt to contact her, and she knew all hope was gone. Even if he did, then what? She simply wasn't prepared to carry on an affair in a small town with two teenagers in the house.

She'd often catch Luke and David watching her with puzzlement and concern in their eyes, but they must never guess what was wrong.

Luke questioned her once about Joe's absence, and Sharon had given him a vague answer. He'd never brought it up again. At least David had no further cause for complaint, though he was so busy with Melanie these days, she wondered if he'd even noticed Joe no longer came around.

She dressed in jeans, sweatshirt, and walking boots. April couldn't yet be considered spring in northern Idaho, but there were some chores she could do. David and Luke were sleeping later than usual after a party the night before, so she slipped quietly out of the house.

Sharon turned on the water to the outside faucets, checked the firewood supply, and decided upon a garden spot. As she stood near the back porch, Sharon drew in a deep breath, and stretched her arms high over her head.

"Good morning, Sharon."

She froze when she heard the familiar coarse voice. Steadying herself, Sharon turned toward the approaching neighbor. "Good morning, Celia. What are you doing up so early?"

Celia smiled with practiced insincerity. "Oh, you never know when you might miss something by sleeping late," the woman said with a knowing gleam in her eyes.

Sharon clenched her fists. Was Celia trying to tell her she'd seen Joe leave the house that Saturday morning? She tried to ignore the veiled hint. "Yes, it looks like a lovely day."

Celia's eyes narrowed. "A perfect day for a picnic, don't you think? At least that's what Joe and Susan were planning in the office yesterday afternoon."

Sharon felt as if a cold hand had squeezed her heart. Celia watched her intently. She had to answer.

"Yes, it's a nice day for a picnic. Excuse me, Celia. I've got to feed those boys of mine." She hoped she'd sounded properly unconcerned about Joe's plans.

She stumbled inside and just made it to the downstairs bathroom before she became ill. She forgot about the rest of the chores; all she wanted to do was hide.

Sharon was sure Celia knew, and soon, the whole town would, if they didn't already. What a mess she'd made of everything.

A seed of anger began to grow in her until Sharon felt as if she'd burst. If her husband had been faithful, she wouldn't have received a letter from his girlfriend, and she wouldn't have felt so vulnerable. Damn him.

And the only person to bring laughter to their lives since they'd lost Tom was out of reach. She sat down at the kitchen table and stared at her hands.

"Mom?"

Sharon lifted her gaze to her dark-haired son. "Yes, David?" He looked worried, so she tried to smile.

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, son." A lock of hair fell onto his forehead, just like Joe's... Stop thinking about him, she told herself. Joe wasn't coming back.

Sharon stood abruptly, an idea coming to her. "Say, why don't the three of us drive into Canada today? Like we used to... It's been months since we've gone."

In fact, the last time had been with Tom.

David didn't reply immediately, and his forehead creased into a frown.

Sharon hastened to smooth the awkward moment. "You and Luke probably already have plans, don't you?"

"Well, I promised Melanie we'd go for a drive or something... You could go with us."

Sharon knew he didn't want to hurt her feelings, and it was nice of him to offer, but he needed to be with kids his own age. Besides, she was glad he and Melanie were seeing one another again.

"Thanks anyway, David, but I should get busy on the flower bed before spring really arrives. What are Luke's plans?"

At the mention of his name, Luke appeared in the doorway. "What did I do now?"

Sharon laughed, then explained. "I was just wondering what you were doing today."

"Joe's taking a group of kids to Sandpoint for a baseball game, then out for pizza. Didn't I tell you?"

Sharon's chest hurt, and she had to focus on breathing. "No, you must've forgotten, but I guess it's okay."

She turned away before he saw her disappointment. Maybe Celia had mentioned a picnic just to torment her; she allowed herself to hope for an instant. Maybe Joe was taking the kids and not Susan.

Luke moved closer. "Mom, aren't you and Joe friends anymore?"

He put his arm around her, and Sharon had a difficult time getting the words out.

Her voice was low. "We're friends, Luke, at least I hope so, but there are some things we didn't agree on. We decided not to argue about them."

What a dumb explanation, she thought, but she didn't know what else to tell him.

David was staring at her left hand during the conversation with Luke. When she realized the direction of his gaze, she self-consciously covered her ringless finger.

"You're not wearing your wedding rings," he said in a quiet tone.

Sharon spoke calmly. "I lost so much weight, they kept slipping off."

Why hadn't she told him the truth? It was time to get on with her life, and the boys would have to understand. With a start, she realized that was the first time she'd really believed that she had a right to go on.

Sharon knew she'd never tell them about their father's infidelity. They deserved to keep their untarnished memories.

She made sure she was busy upstairs when Joe came for Luke. She called down when her son yelled goodbye.

Joe didn't come to the door, and Sharon couldn't resist a peek out her bedroom window to see if Susan was in the car. She wasn't.

Sharon let the curtain fall, wondering if Joe had seen her. Maybe he was going to pick up Susan last, before they headed for Sandpoint.

None of your business, she told herself firmly.

As it turned out, David and Luke's plans kept them busy all day. Sharon pulled weeds for several hours until her body ached. Paula dropped by to say hello, giving Sharon an excuse to halt the backbreaking work.

"How's everything?" Sharon asked, rubbing her dirt-stained hands together.

"Better each day," Paula replied, then amended her answer. "Of course, there are times I still have to coax Ty into communicating with me, but he's learning." She smiled. "And I love my new job at the bookstore."

"What about his parents?"

"We should have enough money saved to fly them over next Christmas. We're all so excited."

"That's wonderful," Sharon said, happy for her friends.

Paula left after a few minutes, and Sharon went back to digging in the soil until she'd had enough. After a good long soak in the deep tub, there were still a couple hours of daylight left, and it was becoming apparent she'd spend them alone.

Sharon glanced at the clock. She hadn't been running lately; a long walk with Caddy would be good exercise.

She dressed in dark blue slacks and a plaid blouse, then pulled on a thick blue sweater. As Sharon brushed her hair, she couldn't help thinking about the years ahead and how she'd handle them. She had to admit she didn't like being a single parent.

How did other women fare so well?

Sharon threw the brush on the bed and bent down to pull on her shoes.

A few minutes later, she and Caddy were headed toward the river. Sharon didn't know why she called it "walking the dog" when she could barely keep up with him.

"Hey, you big moose, wait up!" She tugged on the leash, but Caddy kept plodding along, pulling her behind him.

As they "strolled," Sharon remembered talking to Joe here for the first time. The quiet flow of the river was like her own life, with the turbulence beneath the surface.

Did anyone realize what her family was suffering?

Of course, they did. Many people had suffered before her, and many would after. This was a fact of life, Sharon admitted, as she maneuvered Caddy toward home.

She hadn't expected to run into Myrt Smallwood, but smiled broadly when she spotted the older woman. Myrt was also walking her dog, but hers was one-tenth the size of Caddy.

Sharon wound the leash around her wrist to get a better grip. Caddy stopped still and watched the approach of the tiny animal. Then he actually began to back up into her.

"Caddy, what's wrong with you?" Sharon laughed. As she'd always said, what a watchdog!

Myrt noticed that the St. Bernard was wary of the terrier and chuckled, "That's why I call her 'Ferocious.' I'll go the other way so Caddy won't get too nervous."

"You're a lifesaver, Myrt," Sharon called, shaking her head.

Later, Sharon was glad she'd gone. The walk had given her strength to keep a smile on her face as Luke told her all about his day with Joe and Susan.

Sharon couldn't believe how much the knowledge hurt.

David hadn't returned from his date with Melanie, so Sharon had nothing to distract her from Luke's ramblings. "Joe said this..." and "Susan did that..." She thought she'd scream any minute if he didn't change the subject.

Why hadn't she gone to bed before he came home? Because, she admitted, she'd been hoping for a glimpse of Joe. As it was, she'd been in the kitchen and hadn't heard the car.

She smiled at her younger son and said with sincerity, "I'm glad you had a nice day, hon. Don't you think you'd better take your shower and turn in?" She touched his shoulder briefly. "I know I'm pretty tired after weeding all day."

"Naw, I think I'll watch TV for awhile, if you don't mind."

She kissed his cheek, and watched as he headed for the kitchen. Sometimes, she felt as if her sons didn't really need her anymore. Her head told her that wasn't true, but her heart...

She climbed the stairs slowly, each step seeming like two. The deep loneliness was getting harder to take instead of easier.

Would it ever end?

Several days later, Sharon was late getting off work because Delores had been home sick. "See you tomorrow," she called to Esther.

"You bet, and thanks for staying."

Sharon gathered up her things and hurried out to the parking lot. She had some errands to run before going home. While fumbling with her car keys, she heard Joe's rich laughter behind her.

Her stomach fluttered, and she held her breath. Then she heard Susan's answering giggle. That forced her to move again, but she dropped the keys.

"I'll get them," Joe said.

He knelt beside her, his hand covering hers. He looked right at her for the first time in weeks. Mutely, Sharon waited as he opened the door. When he handed them back, she wanted to hold onto him, talk to him, but Susan was watching her.