A Moment of Weakness (12 page)

Desire, once it’s conceived, leads to sin, and sin when it’s full-grown leads to—

The answer was clear. But Tanner shook his head. “No. Kissing like that isn’t a sin.” They’d done nothing wrong. A
kiss, after all, was only a kiss. His eyes were trained on hers, and he kissed her more slowly this time, speaking to her only when he needed to breathe. “It’s what … it leads to …”

He felt her nod, and the fire in him raged hotter when she brought her lips to his. After a while she tipped her head so she could see his eyes. “We can’t let it go further.”

“I know.” He raked both hands through her hair, angling her face, kissing her closer. “We’ll have to … be very careful.…”

Jade closed her eyes, her lips moving on his. When she pulled away she stared at him, her face shadowed by concern. “Promise?”

Tanner pulled her close and kissed her again. She was addicting.… But there was no harm in this. He would never let it go further. No matter how his body screamed for more, he could never hurt Jade that way. Never hurt his Lord that way.

Finally, breathlessly, between kisses that grew more and more urgent, Tanner whispered the one word he meant with all his heart.

“Promise.…”

T
HE HEAVENLY, HOT DAYS OF
A
UGUST RACED BY WITH
J
ADE AND
Tanner spending as much time together as their schedules would allow. Tanner had taken his promise to her seriously, and they spent more time outside and in public than before. When they wound up at his apartment, she set herself a curfew and went home by ten o’clock.

Tanner’s work with the board of supervisors had turned out to be productive. Although there was still a chance the board might close the children’s unit at Kelso General, Tanner had found a dozen alternatives that would balance the budget and keep the unit open.

Jade loved hearing about his work. He was bright and articulate, and she knew he would make a brilliant politician one day. She had long since given up her earlier efforts to maintain some emotional distance with Tanner. He had worked his way into the very core of her heart, and no matter what their futures held his presence there would remain.

Although there were more questions than answers, they often sat in folding chairs on his apartment patio and talked about the future.

“Move to the East Coast, Jade. You could finish school there, do your nursing just like you planned.” Tanner would take her hand and squeeze it gently, his eyes imploring her to agree.

But Jade knew that wasn’t the answer. Tanner still had a
year of school left, and then he could take an entry level political position anywhere in the country. It didn’t make sense for her to relocate. Not yet. Besides, Tanner had talked about marriage, but he hadn’t asked her to marry him. Jade wanted to know his intentions before she made any life-changing decisions.

“I’m going to miss you, Tanner.…” She wasn’t afraid to say it, and although she’d never told him she loved him, she was convinced he knew.

“I’ll be back.… I promise.” Tanner told her that nearly every time they were together. “On breaks and three-day weekends. I’ll fly out, and we’ll figure out what we’re going to do.”

Jade would study him, wondering what the future really held for them.

“I let you go once, Jade Conner. But I won’t let you go again. I want to marry you one day.”

Many times, when there were no answers in the discussion about their future, they talked about religious freedom and the fact that many of the privileges Americans had long taken for granted were being undermined by liberal political groups. Tanner was strongly opinionated on the topic.

“We need a group who’ll fight for the rest of us. Someone who can step in and take charge when a student is told he can’t bring his Bible to school, or a child is forbidden to talk about the nativity at Christmas.”

Jade was impressed with how well read he was on the topic. He was familiar with landmark cases and had a very clear grasp on what he considered the eroding of religious rights in America.

She couldn’t help but be struck by the fact that he lacked that energy when he talked about becoming a politician. But when she would pry further, he would change the subject.
Often they talked about her spiritual growth and how hungrily she sought God’s word for every situation. And many times she asked about his mother, how she was doing and whether she was making progress in packing up her condominium.

She and Tanner had been back to visit his mother twice, and, in Jade’s dreams, she imagined staying in close contact with the woman after Tanner returned to school. Although Mrs. Eastman was never quite warm, Jade could picture getting phone calls from her and spending Sunday afternoons with her until the woman moved back to Williamsburg.

Then, several weeks ago, Tanner had stopped taking Jade along when he visited his mother. It had seemed odd to Jade, but she hadn’t wanted to bring it up, hadn’t wanted to ask why he no longer included her. She was afraid of what Tanner would say if she did.

One day, a week before Tanner’s internship was up, they were on his patio, side by side soaking in the steady summer sun and talking about the memories they’d made those past months when there was a break in the conversation.

“I’m going to spend Saturday at my mother’s.”

Tanner looked uncomfortable as he spoke, and Jade understood. If they talked about the weekend, they would have to acknowledge that Tanner was going back to school. “So you’ll leave Saturday.”

Tanner nodded. “We can be together Friday night, but Mom wants me to help her go through a few more things before I leave.”

Jade was quiet. She felt the sting of tears but she refused to cry. Not yet. “What time’s your flight?”

“Three-forty-five Saturday afternoon.”

Why didn’t he ask her to come with him to Portland? She could drive her own car and make her way back without him.
Why was Tanner’s mother so off-limits lately? In the quiet, Jade found the courage to voice the question. “She doesn’t like me, does she?”

“Who?” Tanner’s blank expression made Jade wonder if maybe she was only imagining his mother’s dislike.

“Your mother. I get the feeling she doesn’t approve of me.”

A momentary sadness appeared in Tanner’s eyes; then he hooked her neck playfully in the crook of his arm and drew her near, kissing her tenderly on her forehead. “Of course she likes you. She’s just … stiff, I guess.”

Jade pondered the thought.
Is that really all it is?
“I don’t know.”

“No, really, Jade. She’s told me herself. She thinks you’re great.”

“Then why haven’t you invited me to Portland with you lately?”

Tanner looked frustrated. “My mother asked me to come alone. She said she felt more comfortable talking about my father when I was by myself.”

Jade thought about that for a moment and decided it was a plausible explanation. Still.

“Have you told her about us?” Jade leaned toward him and kissed him on the mouth, a kiss that lasted longer than she intended. She finally pulled away and eyed Tanner. “Have you told her how we are now? How … serious we are?” She was trying to sound lighthearted, teasing even. But deep inside she wondered. If he were proud of her, wouldn’t he want his mother to know how serious they’d become?

Tanner squirmed uncomfortably. “Not exactly.”

Jade withdrew her arms from Tanner’s neck and sighed. “Why not?”

For the first time, Tanner sounded impatient with her. “You
don’t know what it’s like to have a mother like mine.”

The moment he said it, regret flashed in his eyes. Jade looked away.
No, Tanner. I don’t know what it’s like to have any sort of mother at all
.

He sighed. “I’m sorry. It’s just … ever since I was a kid my mother has planned my life for me.”

Jade knew that. This past summer there had been many times when Tanner shared the ways his mother had organized his childhood so that when he went to college he would study politics and one day be ready for a position in public office. She exhaled slowly and placed her hand on his knee. “I know. I just wish you’d tell her.”

“I will eventually. See—” he hung his head and stared at his feet for a moment before looking up again—“she has this idea that I should finish college, take a position in government somewhere, and then get married once I’m established. She’s told me a hundred times how a girl can be the undoing of a man. Especially a man who might one day find himself in the White House.”

Jade stood, pacing the patio area with her arms crossed firmly in front of her. “And you believe that? That I might be your undoing?” She was angry and didn’t try to hide it.

“No, of course not.” He rose and was at her side instantly. “Jade … you can’t think that. It’s just—”

“What?” Jade felt the tears well up, but she didn’t care. Let them spill over onto her face. Tanner was making it sound like he was ashamed of her, and for an instant she could hear her father.

“You’re a waste, an idiot, Jade. Jim Rudolph is the best thing that ever happened to you.”

She turned her back to Tanner and tried to work through her anger. He was at her side instantly, putting his hands on
her shoulders and holding her close, but she remained stiff in his arms. “Why do I feel like you’re embarrassed about us?”

He gently turned her so she faced him, and she saw nothing but sincerity in his eyes. “You have to trust me, Jade. It isn’t the right time. She’ll think I’m throwing away my political chances.”

“Is that what you think?”

“Of course not.”

“Then why are you so afraid of her?”

Tanner was silent. He stuffed his hands into his shorts pockets.

Jade quietly fumed.
Stand up for me, Tanner
. She positioned herself so she could make eye contact with him. When she spoke she was careful to hide her frustration. “Your mother is a good woman, but she can’t run your life forever.”

“She expects so much of me.” He seemed to be speaking to himself as much as to Jade. “She wants me to be the president, for heaven’s sake. Do you know what kind of pressure that is?”

Tanner moved back to his chair. He sat down, set his head in his hands, and stared at the cement beneath him. Jade waited a moment then moved nearer, crouching on the ground beside him, her hand on his knee as she searched his face. “What about you? What do
you
want?”

Tanner shook his head. “I don’t know anymore.”

Jade considered what she was about to say. She’d wanted to say it many times before, whenever he got excited about religious freedom, but she hadn’t wanted to seem pushy. Now she felt she had no choice. “You don’t really want to be a politician, do you?”

Tanner kept his eyes trained on the ground, but Jade saw them fill with tears. For a long while he stayed that way, considering her words, silently mulling over them. Then finally he shook his head again. “No.”

Jade sighed and rose to her knees, circling her arms around his neck. They stayed that way as Tanner drew a deep breath.

“I have the gift for it, the total package like my mother’s always said. She’s probably right. One day I could wind up in the White House if God were willing.”

“I’d vote for you.” Jade felt Tanner chuckle at her soft comment.

“Thanks.” He pulled away and met her eyes straight on. “I must be crazy.”

Jade smiled, allowing herself to get lost in his eyes. “How come?”

“I’m about to leave the only woman I’ve ever loved to finish an education I’m not sure I care about that will lead me into a job I know I don’t want to do. It doesn’t make sense.”

She ran a finger over his brow. It felt so good to hear him being honest with himself.

“You know what I’d really like to do?” Tanner’s expression was somber. Their arms were still locked around each other, their faces inches apart.

“Kiss me?” She smiled. He was leaving too soon for them to be so serious. She wanted to enjoy these last days.

He tousled her hair and grinned. “That, too. But besides that—” his smile faded—“when I think of spending the rest of my life in a job, there’s only one thing I’d really love to do.” He paused. “Fight for—”

“—religious freedom.” She finished his sentence and saw his eyes widen in surprise.

“How did you know?”

“I’ve been with you every day lately, remember?”

Tanner was quiet, and Jade knew he was thinking of his mother again.

“She’d think I’d flipped for sure.”

“Does it matter what she thinks? God gave you this desire for a reason, Tanner.”

“I don’t know, I can’t change directions over night when I’ve been planning my life one way all these years.”

“Why not?” His mother would understand eventually, even if she didn’t right now. “You’re young, Tanner. At least think about it. Pray about it. Please?”

He nodded. “Okay.” He drew her nearer still and lowered his face to hers. Jade’s body responded to his closeness, and she was thankful they were outside in broad daylight. He kissed her neck and whispered in her ear. “Now, about that other thing I’d like to do …”

Jade had gone home, but Tanner was still feeling the effects of her presence. They had kept their promise, limiting their physical contact to kisses only. But some of the kisses they shared … It was a good thing they’d taken to ending their evenings in prayer. Talking to God had a way of dousing inappropriate desire in an instant.

Tanner moved into his bedroom and flopped onto the comforter.
Lord, I don’t want to be president of the United States. I want to marry Jade and stay here with her forever. Help me know what I’m supposed to do
.

He thought about their conversation earlier, and Jade’s words challenged him. Why was he studying to be a politician if that wasn’t where he felt God was leading him? And how in the world would he break the news to his mother?

He stood up and wandered toward a desk in his bedroom. Immediately his eyes fell on the file he sought and he pulled it out, thumbing through it until he found what he was looking for. It was a flyer announcing a trip that would take place in
mid-September—just three weeks away. The trip was to Hungary and would be led by Youth with a Mission. Tanner’s eyes scanned the information until he found the line that mattered most: “Trip objective: To study religious freedom and the consequences of what happens when those freedoms are taken away.”