A Moment of Weakness (31 page)

His mother had finished her salad. She pushed her bowl carefully to the side. “How many children does Jade have these days?”

Tanner thought the question strange. “One. Why?”

Again his mother’s color paled considerably. “How old?”

Why was she suddenly interested in Jade? Just moments ago she was busy convincing Leslie that he and Jade had never been more than friends. “She has a boy. He’s going to be ten this year.”

His mother coughed hard and was forced to take a drink of water to settle her throat. “Ten?”

“Yes, Mother. Why do you ask?”

His mother took another sip of water, and her nerves seemed to settle considerably. “Seems a child that old should be able to decide for himself which parent he wants to live with.”

“That’s not the way the courts see it.”

Leslie sighed impatiently. “Can we stop talking about Miss Portland and get back to the planning? Neither of you seems to have any idea how much goes into a wedding. We’re only a few months away here and still we haven’t …”

Jade and her son and whatever importance the case held in his life were forgotten as the two women in his life resumed chattering about florists and videographers and the correct layout of the ballroom where the reception would be held. Tanner watched Leslie, the way she appeared to be including him and his mother in the discussion when in truth she was
telling
them the plans. Her plans.

But that wasn’t unusual. Leslie usually found a way to get what she wanted.

He remembered the early days of their relationship. Leslie was funny and charming and witty. She understood his place in the public eye and would work to enhance his image at
every turn. Tanner was sure she was a believer, even if he wasn’t completely convinced of her commitment to God. His feelings for her weren’t what they had been for Jade, but then nothing would ever feel like that. He was older now, and the timing was right. Leslie had his best interest at heart. That was enough, wasn’t it?

Tanner thought back to the night they’d gotten engaged. Hadn’t that been Leslie’s doing, also? He remembered driving her to dinner at the Charthouse in Malibu and thinking that one day, perhaps, he’d like to marry her. Not that night; not anytime soon. But someday. Somehow, though, through the course of conversation at dinner, they’d wound up engaged. In the hours afterward he hadn’t been sure exactly how it had happened. They had started talking about the future, and before the conversation was finished, they were engaged.

Tanner had been happy enough about the arrangement. It was what he wanted, too. At least that’s what he’d told himself a hundred times since.

But watching Leslie now he realized she had probably come to the Charthouse that night determined to advance their relationship. In many ways Leslie didn’t need him. She would host the reception, welcome the guests. Of all the roles she played, she was most excited about being Mrs. Tanner Eastman. That was good, wasn’t it? A woman should be proud of the man she was about to marry.

Tanner stared at his plate, pushed his fork around in his fajita and drifted back in time. He couldn’t get Jade’s face out of his mind, the distance in her eyes and the way she had avoided making eye contact with him. What had he done to make her hate him so?

As the women continued their discussion, agreeing on elements of the wedding that Tanner wasn’t even aware of, he was
lost in a sea of memories. He and Jade finding each other again at the supervisor’s meeting, he and Jade walking along the Cowlitz River, he and Jade sitting on the edge of his bed.

A strange sensation coursed through his veins, and he felt his face grow hot. His heart remembered, but that wasn’t all. Clearly his body remembered, also.

Lord, I need your help here. Make me forget her. What we did was wrong. She’s changed, moved on. Help me love the woman before me, the woman you’ve given me
.

Tanner said the prayer silently, but his tone was desperate all the same.

Because no matter what Leslie said, no matter how many plans were decided, regardless of how soon the wedding was, there was one undeniable fact.

He was still in love with Jade.

Doris Eastman had no trouble doing two things at once. And so she continued her conversation with Leslie, agreeing and keeping in step as Tanner’s gorgeous fiancée chattered on about the wedding. But at the same time—without anyone at the table realizing it—she watched her son.

He was with them in body only. His mind, his heart were three-thousand miles away in Portland, Oregon. Just as they’d been for years after Jade got married.

How was it possible? How had the Conner girl found a way back into his life after so many years? And the child …?

Doris had been having chest pains lately, and though she hadn’t told anyone, she had a feeling they were brought on by stress. She wanted Tanner’s wedding to be perfect. Fitting for a man of his public stature. Naturally, the preparations could be stressful, especially when they were already so short of time.

Doris had grown accustomed to dismissing the pains. Stress was curable. A little change of diet would work wonders.

But the news Tanner had just revealed brought new meaning to the word stress. The moment Tanner mentioned Jade Rudolph, Doris’s heart responded by seizing. She’d almost blown it by giving away the fact that she knew Jade’s married name. Her father had known that much, and the second time she called him she caught him sober. Doris knew Jade was married to a man named Jim Rudolph, a school teacher in Portland, Oregon.

But she’d never let the fact slip until tonight.

Nitroglycerin. That was all she needed. A little medicine for the heart pains.

Remember the height from which you have fallen. Repent! Or I will come and remove your lampstand.…

Doris massaged her eyebrows. There it was again. Another strange verse from the Bible resounding in her mind for no apparent reason at all. Verses like that had been assaulting her with almost the same regularity as the chest pains. Verses about getting right with God and repenting and asking God to give her a clean heart.

Doris was sick of such verses. Nothing but hogwash! She had no need of repentance. The lies she’d told Jade and Tanner she’d told for their own good. They didn’t belong together. Certainly God didn’t want her to repent of looking out for her son. And what if God
did
want that? Doris had always done things her own way. Including the manner in which she exercised her faith.

God would simply have to understand.

She forced herself to listen to Leslie’s ramblings, tried to appear interested. But her chest was so tight she could barely catch her breath. Rays of pain radiated up her neck into the
fleshy underneath portion of her jaw.
Calm down. Get ahold of yourself
.

The mandate did not work. Her heart began racing, and she felt a thin layer of perspiration break out on her forehead. She could pretend all evening, but the truth demanded her attention like a relentless, barking dog.

Jade had one child—a boy, ten years old. Tanner’s son. Apparently she had kept her promise and told Tanner nothing about the boy’s identity. Doris could hardly believe it had come to this. Tanner was representing Jade in a custody battle wherein Jade’s husband wanted full custody because of Jade’s faith. And all along the child wasn’t even related to Jade’s husband.

The child was Tanner’s.

She studied her son and saw he was distraught. Oh, he put on a good face, and he knew how to respond to Leslie in a way that kept her from noticing. But Doris knew. Tanner was thinking about Jade, wondering why she’d never called. Doris would have done anything to take the pain from her son’s eyes. If only he could get through this dreadful case and forget about her. Didn’t he understand how much better his life was without her, how good Leslie was for him?

Doris held her breath and willed the chest pains away. What if Tanner asked Jade the next time they were together? What if they compared stories?

She could barely tolerate the thought. Again the chest pains increased, and Doris understood why. Despite her son’s deep faith and strong convictions, if Tanner found out the truth about what had happened ten years ago, he might never forgive her.

In fact, he might actually hate her.

J
ADE SPENT
S
ATURDAY MORNING READING THE FIRST CHAPTER OF
James from the Bible, verses about considering it joy when facing trials and how the testing of one’s faith develops perseverance. She knew the Scriptures were true. They had pulled her through when she and Jim first married.

For much of the past decade she had tried to forget what had happened when she showed up on Jim Rudolph’s doorstep that day. But now, with her life falling apart and her husband living with another woman, Jade wanted to remember. As though recalling her every move might help her realize where she’d gone wrong.

Every part of her body had been shaking while she waited for Jim to answer the door that day. His shock lasted only a moment before a lazy grin spread across his face. “I always knew you’d come to your senses one day, Jade Conner.… Tell me, have you changed your mind about my offer?”

Jade could still hear his words echoing in the hallways of her mind. Going against everything she knew to be true and right and good, she entered Jim’s house that day. He didn’t ask for an explanation; didn’t seem to want one. He’d been eating a tuna fish sandwich, and his breath was heavy but that didn’t stop him. The moment the door shut behind them, he pulled Jade close and kissed her. It was a kiss that brought tears to Jade’s eyes for want of Tanner and his kisses. But Tanner had lied to her; Jim was all she had left.

“You’re not kissing me back.” Jim had stared at her. “Why’d you come if you weren’t sure about me, Jade?”

She remembered nearly every detail of that first afternoon. She had apologized and forced herself to return his kiss. Jim did most of the talking after that. Jade recognized his desire, and when he suggested a quick wedding, she agreed.

On her honeymoon night, as Jim undressed her, Jade had felt disgusted, worthless, a shell of the woman she’d been only a week earlier. Jim had whispered, “You’re so beautiful, Jade, I can’t believe you’re finally mine.” And while he spoke, Jade packed what was left of her heart and hid it away so that all Jim took from her that night was her body.

When they were finished, he turned to her and studied her. “I always knew you’d come to me one day, Jade. I’ve wanted you since the first day I saw you, and deep down I know you’ve always felt the same way.” He kissed her again. “I promise to make you happy.”

There were other times in their marriage when Jim uttered similar promises to her, and Jade believed he had intended to keep them. But she’d never been comforted by his words. She remembered being overwhelmed by the deepest sense of grief. Almost as if someone had died.…

Only now did the feeling make sense. The death had been her own.

Jade drew a deep breath and remembered that though she’d been suffering morning sickness the day after her wedding, she had managed to hide it from her new husband. After that, they settled into a routine. He worked; she looked for a job, and when she didn’t greet him with a smile or seem to enjoy their time in bed, he would look at her, an odd sadness in his eyes.

So Jade worked harder. After a month, she was so good at acting, Jim seemed to believe her when she told him she was
happy. About that time, she broke the news about being pregnant.

A strange look had crossed Jim’s face, something hard and a bit frightening. For a moment, Jade was sure he knew the truth. Instead he just smiled. “Any baby of yours is bound to be beautiful, Jade. Let’s make sure we keep an eye on your weight.”

The subtle attacks on her faith began about a month later.

She could see him still, shaking his head at her for reading her Bible.

“Myths and fables, Jade. Surely you know that.…” He put his hands on her shoulders, massaging them. “Of course, some of it makes sense. Doesn’t the Bible say something about the wife’s body belonging to her husband?”

She didn’t think Jim meant harm with his comments. Not really. Faith in God was simply foreign to him. Since she didn’t want to argue, Jade had never known what to say, how to answer him. Usually he didn’t give her enough time anyway. He’d tug the Bible from her hands, smiling at her. “How about focusing less time on this little book and more on your husband?”

She grew frustrated with herself at the memory. Why had she rushed into marriage in the first place? So that Ty would have a father, a real home with two parents, and dinner that wasn’t provided by the government? In light of the crisis she was facing now, the reasons seemed ridiculously unimportant.

Why was I so dense, Lord? Why didn’t I see how poorly matched we were. How far apart we were? And how much those differences would hurt us?
She stretched her legs across her bed and eased down into the pillows. There was no denying what had happened. She had known Jim wasn’t right for her, recognized it all along. That’s why she turned down Jim’s proposal. But when
Tanner betrayed her, she listened to her own reasoning rather than listening to the Lord. In the process, she had hurried into the marriage with Jim.
Why didn’t I wait on you, God?

She felt tears form as the question hung in her mind. There were other times, moments that made being married to Jim tolerable. They had quiet nights with rented movies and popcorn and conversations about his students. Those had ended in the last few years … a fact Jade hadn’t understood until now.

One thing she did know; God hated divorce. It was his will that they remain married and that somehow, through some miracle, Jim might turn his heart to God and change his ways.

Even now Jade desperately wished Jim would hear God’s voice and change his mind. The Lord could breathe man into existence. Surely, he could heal her hurt and Jim’s betrayal and change him into a believing, godly husband.

Jade set her Bible down and slipped her hands behind her head. Now that she’d had time to think about it, Jade realized he’d probably been having an affair with Kathy for more than a year. Before that, she was sure he’d been faithful. Whatever the reason, she’d held some sort of spell over Jim since their teenage days.