A Moment of Weakness (35 page)

“Yes!” Jade felt tears burning her eyes. “How
could
you, Tanner? How could you lie to me all summer long? And how could you turn your back on those children?”

Tanner drew a deep breath and stood up. He paced the floor from the sofa to the kitchen and back. Finally he sat down and turned once more to Jade. “First of all, I never lied to you.” He struggled to maintain his composure.

“How can you say that?” He had lied a dozen times, and now he was lying again. Wasn’t he? Everything Doris told her
was true, wasn’t it? Jade had a strange feeling about the entire conversation and tears of anger and confusion streamed down her face.

“The question I have for you is this: Why do you care about my brother’s children? What in the world do they have to do with you and me?”

Tanner’s words settled around her like a series of hand grenades. She sat motionless for a beat, unable to move or think. Unable even to breathe. “Your brother’s children?” Flashes of light began exploding in Jade’s mind.
It couldn’t be true.… It wasn’t possible.…
“Amy and Justin are … Your mother … she said they were …”

The emotions tore through Tanner’s features until his face was a study of controlled fury. He came closer and took Jade’s hands in his. “What did she say, Jade?”

“Amy … and Justin … she said …”
No, God, it can’t be.…

“My brother Harry is ten years older. He has two children, Amy and Justin. Now what did my mother say?”

One by one Tanner’s words exploded in her heart until Jade’s breathing came faster and her heart raced with uncertainty.
How could she have
—“What are you talking about? Your mother said …”

“My mother said what?” Tanner held her hands more tightly now, and Jade could see the anger building in his eyes.

“Your mother said you’d … you’d had lots of women.” Jade felt as though she were free-falling through space, as if their conversation were something from a disjointed dream. In that instant she hated herself.
You idiot! You believed that old woman and now—

Tanner squeezed her hands. “What else, Jade? What did she say?”

Jade’s breathing was quicker now, jerky, a desperate gasping.
She was hyperventilating, and black spots danced before her eyes.
Calm down. You have to get through this. Help me, God. Please
. “She said they were your children, and … and you didn’t care about them. You were … you’d been with many women and paid for their … abortions.”

Tanner burst to his feet, and his voice boomed through the house. “What? She said that Amy and Justin were
my
children?”

There was nothing Jade could do. Everything about her entire existence was being sucked from her so quickly she was convinced she would die from the shock. Her teeth were chattering so that she could barely speak. “Y-y-yes.”

Hot, burning rage filled Tanner’s eyes, and he stared at Jade. “She told you that and … and you
believed
her?” He spun around and kept his back to her for what seemed like an eternity.

Jade struggled to breathe.
Calm … be calm. This can’t be happening
. Her heart raced faster in response. How could she have believed.? The woman was an evil, treacherous monster. Jade closed her eyes. No matter how hateful Mrs. Eastman had been, Jade knew she was worse.

She had believed the old woman instead of believing Tanner.

Jade heard him sigh, and she opened her eyes. He turned toward her and fell to one knee like a man who’d just been shot through the heart. His eyes looked like two open wounds. In a voice broken beyond description, he whispered the words again. “Jade? You believed her?”

Jade couldn’t bear to see his pain any longer, and she closed her eyes again.
Dear God, what have I done? Why? Why did I believe Doris Eastman so quickly?
Then she remembered the faces of Amy and Justin, suddenly as fresh in her mind as the
day Tanner’s mother had shown them to her. Her eyes shot open and met his, imploring him to understand. “Pictures … She had snapshots. One of each of the children. She said they were yours … and … and they looked … just like you.”

This time Tanner closed his eyes, and when he opened them his face was filled with regret. “Of course she had pictures. Harry moved to Montana the year you and your dad left for Kelso. He got married three years later and bought a ranch. He’s lived there ever since.” Tanner paused. “Harry sends pictures once a year.”

Jade searched her mind but found no memories of Harry. Had she ever known about him? Even when they were kids? No wonder his mother knew the pictures would work. Jade’s mind raced once more, desperate for an explanation. “Why didn’t … why didn’t you talk about him?”

“He’s ten years older than I am. I guess he never came up.”

This couldn’t be happening. A lifetime of devastating choices couldn’t possibly have been based on a pack of lies whispered on a quiet afternoon ten years ago.

“Did I ever meet him?”

Tanner wrung his hands and stared at the floor. “Probably not. He left home when he was eighteen. A year before you and I met.”

Jade did the math in her head. Her teeth were still chattering, and she had the sense she might faint at any moment. “S-so that summer he would have been … in his early thirties.”

Tanner nodded and glanced up at her. “Amy was about four then, Justin two.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about the kids? They’re your niece and nephew.” Jade was grasping at straws, still reeling from the shock.

Tanner shrugged and moved back up on the sofa next to
Jade, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “You never asked.”

Jade was surprised she was sill conscious.
What have I done, Lord? How can this be happening?
She felt suspended in midair, as though there were nothing solid to stand on or cling to. She knew in that instant that Tanner was being completely honest with her—that he’d always been honest with her and that there had been no other women, no paid abortions. He had been truthful all along, and Jade thought surely the realization would kill her.

To think that every bad thing she’d believed about Tanner had been a lie … a lie concocted by a vindictive old woman whose heart pumped pure venom. And now he was marrying someone—

“I can’t believe she’d tell you that … and you’d believe her.” Tanner buried his face in his hands and when he looked up at Jade again, his voice was angry but quieter than before. “I thought … I thought you knew me better than that.”

She had no response. She had been intentionally tricked, but she was without excuse.

Tanner met her gaze and held it. He softened his voice. “There was no one before you … no one since.”

Jade’s heart felt like a lead weight in her chest. All those years of misunderstanding. And now there was Ty to consider. No, she couldn’t tell Tanner now. He would never forgive her. Besides, he was about to be married; his life was finally coming together. She would keep her promise to Doris Eastman and not tell Tanner about the child he’d fathered. Not now when it would only complicate matters and possibly put her relationship with Ty in further jeopardy.

“You … haven’t slept with your fiancée?”

Tanner shook his head. “God’s always given me control in that area. Leslie’s been with two men before me—both
boyfriends she dated for several years. But I told her how I felt. God couldn’t honor our relationship unless we stayed pure.”

Jade hung her head. She’d heard those words before. “You said the same thing to me, but …”

Her words drifted in the space between them until Tanner finished her sentence. “With you, Jade—” he placed his finger under her chin and lifted her head so she had no choice but to look at him—“with you I had no self-control. I’m sorry now just as I was then. Somehow it changed everything.”

Jade nodded and thought of Ty. Tanner had no idea how right he was. A pang of fear coursed through her. He had explained his part; now it was her turn. There was only one place their conversation could go, and she wasn’t sure she was up to the explanation. Especially a dishonest one.

Tanner drew a deep breath and stood up. He rubbed his neck and wandered through the room looking at Jade’s family pictures. He focused on a snapshot of Jade and Jim and Ty, taken when Ty was three years old. They were smiling in the photo and looked like an all-American family. Tanner kept his eyes on the picture as he spoke. “My mother lied to you. And you believed her.”

Jade wanted desperately to go to him, hold him, and tell him how sorry she was. But somehow it didn’t seem right. Not now that he was engaged to someone else. “I’m sorry, Tanner. I don’t know what to say.” Jade remained on the sofa, her eyes trained on Tanner’s back. He was crying. She could tell because his shoulders shook slightly, and for several minutes he said nothing.

Oh, God, what have I done? Why did I believe her without talking to Tanner first?

Finally Tanner drew a deep breath and turned to her. She saw his tear-streaked face then and wondered how much pain
her heart could take in one night. “You believed her and … so you married someone else.” Tanner’s eyes narrowed and his voice grew hard. “I can understand that, Jade. After spending a summer with me, after sharing your conversion with me, after we bared our souls and … and everything else … I have no choice but to understand that somehow you believed my mother’s lies and decided to marry someone else.”

He searched her face, and when he spoke again his voice was choked with another wave of tears. “But three weeks after I left? Three weeks, Jade?”

A single sob escaped from Jade’s throat, and she buried her head in her hands. How could she respond? How could she make him understand without telling him about Ty.
Help me, God. I’m falling apart. Please help me
. She expected Tanner to come to her side, reach out and put an arm around her. But he remained on the other side of the room, his feet firmly planted, his back to the series of photographs that had caught his attention earlier.

Tanner waited, and when her crying quieted, he asked again. “Help me understand, Jade. Three weeks? What happened after I left?”

Jade wanted to be anywhere at that moment other than alone in her house facing Tanner and the truth about the past ten years. But she had no choice and she drew a deep breath. “Jim was … always around.”

“You never mentioned him.”

Jade could be honest with this much. “He wasn’t worth mentioning. He was just … always around.”

Tanner huffed. “Yeah, Jade, lots of guys hang around girls like you. You’re gorgeous. That doesn’t mean you marry the guy. Three weeks after.” He didn’t finish the sentence.

Jade shook her head. “No, there were never lots of guys.
Just Jim. Everyone at school wanted to date him. Big man on campus, that kind of thing.”

“And he wanted the only girl he couldn’t get.” Tanner leaned back against the wall, avoiding the photographs.

“Right.” Jade hated herself for having married Jim. But she wanted Tanner to understand.
I never stopped loving you, Tanner
. The words stayed stuck in her throat. “I, well, I was never interested, until …”

“My mother lied to you.” Tanner’s voice was calm again as he finished her sentence, his eyes clear. Jade studied them and saw a veil of indifference. As if she had hurt him too badly, and now he was choosing to be vulnerable no longer where she was concerned. Tanner sighed. “Still … three weeks?”

Jade was not proud of what she was about to say, but she needed to say it. “My father always told me I’d wind up with Jim Rudolph. Jim asked me to marry him when I turned eighteen and I refused. Daddy found out and said I was an idiot. After I learned about you, I guess I figured there were no other choices. Your mother told me you wouldn’t want me.… She said she knew we’d slept together.…”

“What?”
Tanner raised his voice again. “She told you that?”

Jade felt another pang of regret.
Not that, too, Lord
. She was beginning to understand. Anything Doris Eastman had told her was probably a lie. Including this. “She said she knew, said you told her before you left.”

The topic was getting dangerously close to forbidden territory, but Tanner didn’t seem the least bit curious. Apparently he believed Ty was Jim’s son, and even this discussion about their last night together that summer didn’t make him wonder. Tanner rubbed his neck again and stared at the ceiling. “I never told her about us, Jade. I never told anyone.”

A new wave of hot tears made their way down Jade’s face,
but this time she didn’t bother trying to hide them. She waited until she had Tanner’s attention, and then she continued. “Jim wasn’t a Christian. He … loved winning me over … but he never really loved me.” She hung her head. “I wanted our marriage to work. For Ty’s sake.”

Tanner nodded, and when he spoke, Jade could still hear his intentional indifference. “And now?”

“He had an affair. A teacher he works with. Obviously we’re not on good terms at this point.” Jade was desperate to change the topic. “What about you? Your fiancée must be a wonderful girl.”

Tanner exhaled slowly. “Jade, I don’t want to talk about her. Not now.”

“Okay … I’m sorry.”

“No,” Tanner sighed. “You’re right. I want you to know. It’s just … oh, never mind. I met her two years ago. Her name’s Leslie and … we’re getting married this summer.”

Jade wished he would return to the sofa and sit beside her again. He felt so far away, standing across the room, his back stiff. “I’m happy for you, Tanner. Really.”

She searched his face, and somehow she wasn’t convinced that Tanner loved the woman he was set to marry. But that wasn’t her business now. There was nothing she could do about the direction their lives had taken. And she was determined to keep the truth about Ty to herself. It was the safest thing for everyone involved.

Tanner hung his head, and again Jade wanted to go to him. He was a tall, strong, powerful man, an attorney feared by special interest groups across the country. But here in her living room he was broken by the truth of the past. His voice trembled when he spoke. “Why, Jade? Why would she lie to you?”

Jade understood what he was talking about. They’d been so
busy unraveling the pieces of what had happened Tanner hadn’t had time to analyze the truth about his mother. The woman had lied, and in the process, as she had tried to do so often back then, she had managed to change Tanner’s life. “She didn’t want me to marry you. It’s that simple.”