A Mother's Secret (27 page)

Soon the dinner was over, and Carolyn was impressed by how well Joshua fit in with her family. The dinner was very different from the one she’d shared at Saul’s house, where he’d hardly spoken.

Carolyn and her mother cleared away the platters and then served coffee along with the pies Carolyn had baked earlier in the day. The conversation continued during dessert, and Carolyn noticed Joshua frequently looked over at her. Her pulse skittered every time he made eye contact with her. She tried to suppress her feelings, but the emotions were strong, stronger than anything she had ever felt for Benjamin’s father.

Once dessert was finished, Carolyn and her mother took care of cleaning up the kitchen while Benjamin went out to care for the animals. Her father and Joshua excused themselves and headed to the porch to talk. Carolyn heard a horse and buggy, and she surmised her brother had returned home. She hoped nothing would come up during their conversation to make Josh wonder about Ben’s parentage. She hated for her father to have to keep covering for her. She was afraid to tell Josh the truth, but tonight’s close call brought home to her what she must find the courage to do.

“He’s awfully nice.”
Mamm
scrubbed a pot in the frothy water. “It’s obvious that he likes Ben.”

“
Ya
.” Carolyn wiped the crumbs from the table into her palm. “Ben enjoys working for him.”

“He’s quite handsome, Carolyn. I can see why you like him. And I think he likes you.”

“
Mamm
!” Carolyn faced her and frowned. “Keep your voice down. They’re right outside that window.”

“I doubt they can hear me.”
Mamm
shrugged. “I’m just telling you how I feel.”

“He’s seeing Lena.” Carolyn stopped wiping the table and looked over her shoulder at her mother. She couldn’t help her curiosity. She had to find out what her mother was thinking. “Why do you think he likes me?”

Mamm
walked over to her and lowered her voice. “It’s obvious by the way he looks at you.”

Carolyn’s eyes widened. “What do you mean?”

“He looks at you like he cares about you.” Her mother touched her arm. “Just trust me. I know that look when I see it.”

Carolyn studied her mother as a sliver of hope swelled inside her. “That can’t be possible. His mother told me he’s seeing Lena, and Lena was at his house today.”

“He hasn’t married her yet, has he?”

“No, but—”

“Carolyn, trust me,” her mother began, interrupting her, “I know what I’m talking about. Besides, from what you’ve told me, I have the distinct impression Barbie is a constant meddler in her son’s life.”

“Maybe.” Carolyn let the idea swirl in her head while she finished cleaning up the table and then swept the floor. She was putting the broom away when her father and Joshua came in from outside.

“It’s official,”
Dat
said with a smile. “Amos, Josh, and I just finished discussing it. Benjamin is going to work full-time at the farm and earn a fair wage beginning this summer.”

“That’s
wunderbaar
!”
Mamm
said.

“
Ya
, it is.” Carolyn studied Joshua. She took in his handsome face and wondered if he was truly dating Lena.

Her father shook Joshua’s hand. “
Danki
for giving Ben the opportunity.”

“I’m glad he wants to continue working for me. I need the help.” He looked at Carolyn’s mother and then Carolyn. “
Danki
for supper. I better head home now.” His eyes lingered on Carolyn, and she held her breath. “
Gut nacht
,” he finally said.

He started out the door, and Carolyn released the breath she’d been holding.

“Go.” Her mother bumped her with her elbow.

“What?” Carolyn asked.

“He wanted you to follow him. Couldn’t you see it in his expression?” Her mother’s voice was full of exasperation.

“What’s going on?”
Dat
asked.

Her mother waved off her father’s question. “I’ll tell you later. Go, Carolyn. Catch up with him before he leaves.
Dummle!
”

Carolyn rushed out the door and caught up to Joshua as he stood by his buggy. Her heart thumped in her chest as she approached him. “Josh! Wait.”

“I was hoping you’d come out to say good-bye to me.” He smiled, and her pulse accelerated once again.

How did
Mamm
know that?
Carolyn pushed the thought away and thought about the scene at his house earlier. She had to discuss it with him, or it would eat her alive. She swallowed a deep breath. “I’m sorry for showing up at your
haus
today uninvited. Rosemary asked me to come with her. I realize now I should’ve just stayed home.”

“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that alone. Coming over here to talk to Amos was just an excuse to see you.” He leaned back against the buggy, and it shifted under his weight. “I felt bad when you left in a hurry. Why did you run off so quickly?”

The direct question surprised Carolyn and stumped her for a moment. “I thought I was interrupting something.”

He tilted his head. “Why would you think that?”

“Your
mamm
and Lena were there, and I felt out of place.”

“You weren’t out of place.” He shook his head. “You had as much right to be there as they did.”

“
Danki
.” She contemplated her mother’s words and wondered if he cared for her. She longed to be as certain as her mother was about his feelings for her.

“I noticed Rosemary and Danny were talking by the fence.” He crossed his arms over his wide chest.

“
Ya
. They seem to be becoming friends. Rosemary convinced Danny to go to one of her youth gatherings Sunday night, and it sounds like they had a nice time.” Carolyn smiled. “She’s hoping he’ll keep coming to them so she can see him more often.”

“
Ya
. Young love is easy, isn’t it? Things weren’t so complicated when we were teenagers.”

“Sometimes it’s easy. Sometimes it gets complicated.” She stopped speaking before she shared the secret from her youth. She longed to tell him the truth, but the fear of losing his friendship held back the words.

“That’s true,” he continued, apparently not noticing her apprehension. “But then life gets even more complicated the older we grow, and as a result, love gets more complicated.”

“
Ya
.” Carolyn had to know the truth, but she wasn’t sure how to ask about Lena. She decided to take an indirect approach. “Lena is nice.”

“
Ya
, she is.” He rubbed his chin and paused as if choosing his words. “
Mei mamm
thinks Lena is the right person for me. I love
mei mamm,
but sometimes I get tired of her trying to run my life.”

“Your
mamm
is pushing you to date Lena?” Carolyn felt
the worry lift from her heart when she said the words out loud.
Mamm
was right again!

“
Ya
.” His expression softened. “But it’s not as bad as it sounds. Her heart is in the right place. I know she means well, and she’s made it her goal to marry me off and have more
grandkinner
. I know she misses my niece and nephew. In fact, I miss having my nephew by my side every day when I work at the farm, but I don’t think I can fill that hole in her heart. Those feelings are too deep to just disappear.”

“That makes sense.” Carolyn nodded slowly while marveling how Joshua was baring his soul in front of her as if they were old friends.

“I just feel I will find the right woman in my own time. You can’t rush God’s plan.”

“No, you can’t.
Mei mamm
reminds me about that all the time.” She fingered her apron while thinking about her brother. “I know how you feel.”

“You do?” He looked surprised. “How?”

“Amos has been pressuring me to marry Saul.”

“Who’s Saul?”

“Saul Beiler. You had lunch with him at the barn raising.”

“Oh, I remember Saul. He didn’t say much that day. He seems to be very reserved.” Joshua continued to look surprised. “Isn’t he a widower?”

“He is. Amos thinks it’s time for me to get married and move out of the
daadi haus.
” She pointed toward the house behind her. “Saul is nice, and I really like his
dochder.
But I think the decision about who I marry needs to be mine.”

“Absolutely.” Joshua looked concerned. “Have you ever tried to talk to Amos about this and tell him how you feel?”

She nodded. “I have, but he’s set in his ways. He believes it’s time for me to be married, and he doesn’t understand that I want to marry for love. Saul seems awfully serious, though. I don’t think we’re a
gut
match.”

“Well, don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” He bent his leg and rested his hand on his knee. “Life is too short to be unhappy.”

“That’s true.” She studied his eyes and longed to know what he was thinking. Did he enjoy talking to her as much as she enjoyed talking to him?

“Our lives are similar, aren’t they?” He smiled. “We seem to have the same experiences.”

Carolyn laughed. “
Ya
, we do.”

Except I have a child.

His smile faded slightly just as hers did. “How do you like working in the hotel?”

“I enjoy working there.” She leaned on the fence behind her. “I love talking to new people. Sometimes it’s nice to get away from the community and just experience the world without being a part of the world.”

His expression hardened slightly, and she wondered what he was thinking.

“I like being out in the world, but I’m not planning on leaving the Amish community,” Carolyn continued. “I was baptized when I was seventeen because I knew that I belonged here. I have no interest in being
English
.”

“That’s
gut
.” He then stood up and jammed a thumb toward the buggy. “I’d better get home. The horses are waiting to be fed again.
Danki
again for supper. I had a nice time.”

“
Gern gschehne
.” She waved as he climbed into the buggy.

“I’ll see you soon.” He guided the horse toward the road.

Carolyn waved again before he disappeared onto the main road. She walked slowly toward the porch while thinking about their conversation. She was surprised how many personal things he had shared with her. Her heart soared with happiness when she found he wasn’t dating Lena. Maybe she had a chance with him! She was certain she was falling in love with him, and she couldn’t wait to see him again.

She spotted Benjamin coming out of the barn after feeding the horses, donkey, and chickens, and her smile faded again. She’d had the perfect opportunity to tell Joshua the truth about Benjamin, but she’d been a coward.

She knew the truth was the one issue that could cause Joshua to back away, and the longer she waited to tell him, the more damage the truth would cause, especially after Joshua had shared personal feelings with her.

Carolyn smiled as Benjamin approached. “Are you ready to head inside?”

“
Ya
.” He moved toward the porch steps, and Carolyn touched his shoulder.

As they headed toward the house, her thoughts turned back to Joshua. She had to find a way to tell him about her son. Tonight she could pray about it and ask God to give her the right words that would convey the truth without causing her to lose her special friendship with Joshua.

Joshua smiled as he guided the horse toward his farm. He’d had a wonderful evening. He’d enjoyed a delicious and satisfying
supper, and he’d relished the tasty pies for dessert. He’d also confirmed Benjamin’s employment at his farm.

The highlight of the evening, however, was his long discussion with Carolyn. He’d been mesmerized with her during supper, and he had a difficult time keeping his eyes off her. He’d hoped that she would follow him outside to say good night in person.

Once she did come outside, their conversation was easy and time flew by quickly. In fact, he was amazed how easy it was for him to open up to Carolyn and share feelings he’d never said aloud to anyone. When he was with her, he felt compelled to share all the thoughts and feelings he’d kept locked deep inside himself for years. He’d longed to talk to her all evening, but he had to get back home and take care of his horses.

He stared out the windshield while contemplating Carolyn. She seemed to be everything he’d always wanted in a woman. She was intelligent, beautiful, and funny. His feelings for her were becoming stronger every time he saw her. He was certain he was falling in love with her. His emotions were much deeper than anything he’d ever felt for Hannah. This love was real and palpable, and he still had a feeling Carolyn shared similar emotions for him.

As he guided the horse onto the road leading to his farm, he admitted there was one issue weighing on his mind. He was still concerned about her employment at the hotel. He couldn’t stop worrying that her experience with the
English
world might cause her to want to leave the community just as Hannah had. When he asked Carolyn about the job, he was hoping she would say that it was temporary and she planned to quit soon. His stomach plummeted when she told him that she liked experiencing the
English
world. He prayed she wouldn’t find herself on the same road that Hannah followed. The worry crept into his soul, and he prayed she was solid in her faith and wouldn’t even entertain the thought of leaving the church. He couldn’t stand the thought of losing her.