A Mother's Wish (18 page)

“Oh, no,” Robin whispered. “Cole must’ve felt so guilty.”

“It was terrible,” Joyce returned, her voice quavering. “I didn’t know if Cole would survive that first year. He hid inside the house and severed relationships with everyone in the neighborhood. He was consumed by his grief. Later he seemed to come out of it a little, but he’s never been the same.

“The irony of all this is that eventually Jen would’ve gotten exactly what she wanted if she’d been more patient. A couple of years ago, Cole accepted a partnership in one of the most important law firms in the city. He’s made a real name for himself, but money and position don’t seem to mean much to him—they never have. I wouldn’t be surprised if he walked away from the whole thing someday.”

“I think you’re right. Cole told me not long ago that he
has some property north of here that he inherited from his grandfather. He’s restoring the house, and he said something about moving there. It’s where he spends most of his weekends.”

“I wondered if that was it,” Joyce said, nodding. “There were rumors floating around the neighborhood that he spent his weekends with a woman. Anyone who knew Cole would realize what a crock that is. Cole isn’t the type to have a secret affair.”

Robin felt ashamed, remembering how she’d been tempted to believe the rumor herself.

“For a long time,” Joyce murmured, “I wondered if Cole was ever going to recover from Jennifer’s and Bobby’s deaths, but now I believe he has. I can’t help thinking you and Jeff had a lot to do with that.”

“I … think he would gradually have come out of his shell.”

“Perhaps, but the changes in him lately have been the most encouraging things so far. I don’t know how you feel about Cole or if there’s anything between you, but you couldn’t find a better man.”

“I … I’m falling in love with him,” Robin whispered, voicing her feelings for the first time. The words hung there, and it was too late to take them back.

“I think that’s absolutely wonderful, I really do!” Joyce said enthusiastically.

“I don’t.” Now that the shock had worn off, Robin was
forced to confront her anger. Cole had told her none of this. Not a single word. That hurt. Hurt more than she would’ve expected. But the ache she felt was nothing compared to the grief Cole must face each morning, the pain that weighed down his life.

“Oh, dear,” Joyce said. “I’ve really done it now, haven’t I? I knew I should’ve kept my mouth shut. You’re upset and it’s my fault.”

“Nonsense,” Robin whispered, making an effort to bring a smile to her dry lips and not succeeding. “I’m grateful we met, and more than grateful you told me about Jennifer, and about Cole’s son.” The knowledge produced a dull ache in Robin’s heart. She felt grief for Cole and a less worthy emotion, too—a sense of being slighted by his lack of trust in her.

She was so distressed on the short drive home that she missed the turn and had to take a side street and double back to Orchard Street.

As she neared the house, she saw that Cole was outside watering his lawn. He waved, but she pretended not to see him and pulled into her driveway. Desperate for some time alone before facing Cole, Robin did her best to ignore him as she climbed out of the car. She needed a few more minutes to gather her thoughts and control her emotions.

She was almost safe, almost at the house, when Cole stopped her.

“Robin,” he called, jogging toward her. “Hold on a minute, would you?”

She managed to compose herself, squaring her shoulders and drawing on her dignity.

His wonderful eyes were smiling as he hurried over. Obviously he hadn’t noticed there was anything wrong. “Did Jeff happen to say anything about seeing us kiss last night?” he asked.

Her mouth was still so dry she had to swallow a couple of times before she could utter a single syllable. “Yes, but don’t worry, I think I’ve got him squared away.”

“Drat!” he teased, snapping his fingers. “I suppose this means I don’t have to go through with the shotgun wedding?”

She nodded, keeping her eyes lowered, fearing he’d be able to read all the emotion churning inside her.

“You have nothing to fear but fear itself,” she said, forcing a lightness into her tone.

“Robin?” He made her name a question and a caress. “Is something wrong?”

She shook her head, shifting the bag of groceries from one arm to the other. “Of course not,” she said with the same feigned cheerfulness.

Cole took the bag from her arms. Robin knew she should have resisted, but she couldn’t; she felt drained of strength. She headed for the house, knowing Cole would follow her inside.

“What’s wrong?” he asked a second time, setting the groceries on the kitchen counter.

It was difficult to speak and even more difficult, more exhausting, to find the words that would explain what she’d learned.

“Nothing. It’s just that I’ve got a lot to do if we’re going out for dinner tonight.”

“Wear something fancy. I’m taking you to a four-star restaurant.”

“Something fancy?” Mentally she reviewed the contents of her closet, which was rather lacking in anything fancy.

“I’m not about to be outclassed by Frank,” Cole said with a laugh. “I’m going to wine and dine you and turn your head with sweet nothings.”

He didn’t need to do any of those things to turn her head. She was already dangerously close to being in love with him, so close that she’d blurted it out to a woman she’d known for a total of twelve minutes.

Abruptly switching her attention to the bag of groceries, Robin set several packages on the counter. When Cole’s hands clasped her shoulders, her eyes drifted shut. “It isn’t necessary,” she whispered.

Cole turned her around to face him. “What isn’t?”

“The dinner, the wine, the … sweet nothings.”

Their eyes held. As if choreographed, they moved into each other’s arms. With a groan that came from deep
in his throat, Cole kissed her. His hands tangled in the auburn thickness of her hair. His lips settled on hers with fierce protectiveness.

Robin curled her arms tightly around his neck as her own world started to dip and spin and whirl. She was standing on tiptoe, her heart in her throat, when she heard the front door open.

Moaning, she dragged her mouth from Cole’s and broke away just as her son strolled into the kitchen.

Jeff stopped, his brow furrowed, when he saw the two of them in what surely looked like suspicious circumstances.

“Hi, Mom. Hi, Cole.” He went casually to the refrigerator and yanked open the door. “Anything decent to drink around this place?”

“Water?” Robin suggested.

Jeff rolled his eyes. “Funny, Mom.”

“There are a few more sacks of groceries in the car. Would you get them for me?” He threw her a disgruntled look, until Robin added, “You’ll find a six-pack of soda in there.”

“Okay.” He raced out of the house and returned a minute later, carrying one sack and sorting through its contents as he walked into the kitchen.

“I’ll help you,” Cole said, placing his hand on Jeff’s shoulder. He glanced at Robin and his eyes told her they’d continue their discussion at a more opportune moment.

Robin started emptying the sacks, hardly paying attention as Jeff and Cole brought in the last couple of bags. Cole told her he’d pick her up at six, then left.

“Can I play with Blackie for a while?” Jeff asked her, a can of cold soda clenched in his hand.

“Sure,” Robin answered, grateful to have a few minutes alone.

Robin cleared the counters and made Jeff a sandwich for his lunch. He must’ve become involved in his game with Cole’s dog because he didn’t rush in announcing he was hungry.

She went outside to stand on her small front porch and smiled as she watched Jeff and Blackie. Her son really had a way with animals—like his father. Every time Robin saw him play with Cole’s Labrador, she marveled at how attuned they were to each other.

She smiled when she realized Cole was outside, too; he’d just finished watering his lawn.

“Jeff, I made a sandwich for you,” she called.

“In a minute. Hey, Mom, watch,” he yelled as he tossed a ball across the lawn. Blackie chased after it, skidding to a stop as he caught the bright red ball.

“Come on, Blackie,” Jeff urged. “Throw me the ball.”

“He can’t do that,” Robin said in astonishment.

“Sure, he can. Watch.”

And just as Jeff had claimed, Blackie leapt into the air, tossed his head and sent the ball shooting into the street.

“I’ll get it,” Jeff hollered.

It was Cole’s reaction that Robin noticed first. A horrified look came over his face and he threw down the hose. He was shouting even as he ran.

Like her son, Robin had been so caught up in Blackie’s antics that she hadn’t seen the car barreling down the street, directly in Jeff’s path.

“J
eff!” Robin screamed, fear and panic choking her. Her hands flew to her mouth in relief as Cole grabbed Jeff around the waist and swept him out of the path of the speeding car. Together they fell backward onto the wet grass. Robin ran over to them.

“Jeff, how many times have I told you to look before you run into the street? How many times?” Her voice was high and hysterical. “You deserve the spanking of your life for that stunt!”

“I saw the car,” Jeff protested loudly. “I did! I was going to wait for it. Honest.” He struggled to his feet, looking insulted at what he obviously considered an overreaction.

“Get into the house,” Robin demanded, pointing furiously. She was trembling so badly she could barely speak.

Jeff brushed the grass from his jeans and raised his head to a dignified angle, then walked toward the house. Not understanding, Blackie followed him, the ball in his mouth, wanting to resume their play.

“I can’t, boy,” Jeff mumbled just loudly enough for her to hear. “My mother had some kind of anxiety attack that I’m gonna get punished for.”

Cole’s recovery was slower than Jeff’s. He sat up and rubbed a hand across his eyes. His face was ashen, his expression stark with terror.

“Everything’s all right. Jeff isn’t hurt,” Robin assured him. She slipped to her knees in front of him.

Cole nodded without looking at her. His eyes went blank and he shook his head, as if to clear his mind.

“Cole,” Robin said softly, “are you okay?”

“I … I don’t know.” He gave her a faint smile, but his eyes remained glazed and distant. He placed one hand over his heart and shook his head again. “For a minute there I thought Jeff hadn’t seen that car and … I don’t know … If that boy had been hurt … “

“Thank you for acting so quickly,” Robin whispered, gratitude filling her heart. She ran her hands down the sides of his face, needing to touch him, seeking a way to comfort him, although her heart ached at his words. So many times over the past few weeks, she’d suspected—and feared—that Cole’s feelings had more to do with replacing the family he’d lost than love for her and Jeff.

With a shudder, Cole locked his arms around her waist and pulled her close, burying his face in the curve of her neck as he dragged deep gulps of air into his lungs.

“Come inside and I’ll get us some coffee,” Robin suggested.

Cole murmured agreement, but he didn’t seem in any hurry to release her. Nor she him. Her hands were in his hair and she rested her cheek against his, savoring these moments of closeness now that the panic was gone.

“I lost my son,” Cole whispered and the words seemed to be wrenched from the deepest part of his soul. His voice held an agony only those who had suffered such a loss could understand. “In a car accident six years ago.”

Robin kissed the crown of his head. “I know.”

Cole broke away from her, slowly raising his eyes to meet hers. Mingled with profound grief was confusion. “Who told you?”

“Joyce Wallach.”

Cole closed his eyes. “I could use that coffee.”

They both stood, and when Cole wrapped his arm around her waist Robin couldn’t be sure if it was to lend support or to offer it.

Inside the house, Jeff was sitting at the bottom of the stairs, his knees under his chin. Ever loyal, Blackie lay beside him.

Jeff looked up when Robin opened the front door. “I saw the car,” he repeated. “You’re getting upset over
nothing. I hope you realize that. Hey, what’s wrong with Cole?” he asked abruptly. He glanced from Robin to their neighbor and then back to his mother. “He looks like he’s seen a ghost.”

In some way, Robin supposed, he had.

“You all right, sport?” Cole asked. “I didn’t hurt you when we fell, did I?”

“Nah.” He bit his lip, eyes lowered.

Cole frowned. “You don’t sound all that certain. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Jeff nodded reluctantly. “I will be once I find out what my mother plans to do to me. I really was gonna stop at the curb. Honest.”

The kid would make an excellent attorney, Robin thought wryly.

“I think I might’ve overreacted,” Cole said. He held open his arms and Jeff flew into them without a second’s hesitation. Briefly Cole closed his eyes, as though in silent thanksgiving for Jeff’s safety.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Jeff murmured. “I would’ve stopped.”

“I know.”

“I promise to be more careful.”

“I certainly hope so,” Robin said.

Cole released Jeff and sighed deeply, then looked at Robin. “You said something about coffee?”

She smiled and nodded. “I’ll get it in a minute. Jeff, you
can go outside, but from now on if you’re playing ball with Blackie, do it in the backyard. Understand?”

“Sure, Mom,” her son said eagerly. “But—” he paused “—you mean that’s it? You aren’t going to ground me or anything? I mean, of course you’re not because I did everything I was supposed to—well, almost everything. Thanks, Mom.” He tossed the red ball in the air and caught it deftly with one hand. “Come on, Blackie, we just got a pardon from the governor.”

Robin followed the pair into the kitchen and watched as Jeff opened the sliding glass door and raced into the backyard with Blackie in hot pursuit. Reassured, she poured two mugs of coffee while Cole pulled out one of the kitchen chairs. She carried the mugs to the table, then sat down across from him.

Cole reached for her hand, lacing her fingers with his own. He focused his concentration on their linked hands. “Bobby was my son. He died when he was ten.”

“Jeff’s age,” Robin said as a chill surrounded her heart.

“Bobby was so full of life and laughter I couldn’t be around him and not smile.”

Talking about Bobby was clearly difficult for Cole, and Robin longed to do or say something that would help. But she could think of nothing to ease the agony etched so deeply on his face.

“He was the kind of boy every father dreams of having.
Inquisitive, sensitive, full of mischief. Gifted with a vivid imagination.”

“A lot like Jeff,” she said, and her hands tightened around the mug.

Cole nodded. “Bobby used to tell me I shouldn’t worry about Jennifer—she was my ex-wife—because
he,
my ten-year-old son, was taking care of her.”

Robin held her breath as she watched the fierce pain in his eyes. “You don’t need to tell me this.” Not if it was going to rip open wounds that weren’t properly healed.

“I should’ve told you before this,” he said, frowning slightly. “It’s just that even now, after all this time, it’s difficult to talk about my son. For a good many years, I felt as though part of me had died with Bobby. The very best part of me. I don’t believe that anymore.”

“Jeff reminds you a lot of Bobby, doesn’t he?” Robin doubted Cole fully grasped that he was transferring his love from one boy to the other.

A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “Bobby had a huskier build and was taller than Jeff. His sport was basketball, but he was more of a spectator than a participant. His real love was computers. Had he lived, I think Bobby would have gone into that field. Jen never understood that. She wanted him to be more athletic, and he tried to please her.” Cole’s gaze dropped to his hands. “Jennifer and I were divorced before the accident. She died with him. If there’s anything to be grateful for in their deaths, it’s the
knowledge that they both went instantly. I couldn’t have stood knowing they’d suffered.” He paused long enough to take a sip of the coffee, and grimaced once. “You added sugar?”

“I thought you might need it.”

He chuckled. “I have so much to thank you for.”

“Me?”

“Do you remember the afternoon Jeff ran away?”

She wasn’t likely to forget it. With Jeff around, Robin always figured she didn’t need exercise to keep her heart in shape. Her son managed to do it with his antics.

“I left on a business trip to Seattle soon afterward,” he reminded her.

She nodded. That was when Jeff had looked after Blackie for him.

“Late one afternoon, when the meeting was over and dinner wasn’t scheduled for another couple of hours, I went for a stroll,” Cole said. “It was still light and I found myself on the waterfront. The sky was a vivid blue and the waters green and clear. It’s funny I’d remember that, but it’s all so distinct in my memory. I stood alone on the pier and watched as a ferry headed for one of the islands, cutting a path through the waves. Something brought Bobby to my mind, although he’s never far from my thoughts, even now. The most amazing thing happened that afternoon. It’s difficult to find the words to explain.” He hesitated, as though searching for a way to make Robin
understand. Then apparently he gave up the effort and shook his head.

“Tell me about it,” Robin said in a quiet voice.

“Well, standing there at the end of the pier … I don’t know. For the first time since I lost my son, I felt his presence more than I did his absence. It was as if he was there at my side, pointing out the Olympic Mountains and asking questions. Bobby was always full of questions. My heart felt lighter than it had in years—as though the burden of pain and grief had been lifted from my shoulders. For no reason whatsoever, I started to smile. I think I’ve been smiling ever since. And laughing. And feeling.

“When I got back to the hotel, I had the sudden urge to hear your voice. I didn’t have any excuse to call you, so I phoned on the pretense of talking to Jeff and checking up on Blackie. But it was your voice I wanted to hear.”

Robin smiled through the unexpected rush of tears, wondering if Cole realized what he was saying. It might’ve been her voice he
thought
he wanted to hear, but it was Jeff he’d called.

“I discovered a new freedom on that Seattle pier. It was as if, in that moment, I was released from the past. I can’t say exactly what changed. Meeting you and Jeff played a big role in it, I recognize that much, but it was more than that. It was as if something deep inside me was willing to admit that it was finally time to let go.”

“I’m glad for you,” Robin whispered.

“The problem is, I never allowed myself to grieve properly or deal with the anger I felt toward Jennifer. She was driving at the time and the accident was her fault. Yet deep in my heart I know she’d never purposely have done anything to hurt Bobby. She loved him as much as I did. He was her son, too.

“It wasn’t until I met you that I knew I had to forgive her. I was never the kind of husband she needed and I’m afraid I was a disappointment to her. Only in the last few years of our marriage was I willing to accept that she suffered from a serious emotional and mental illness. Her addiction to alcohol was as much a disease as cancer. I didn’t understand her illness, and because of that we all suffered.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself,” Robin said, but she doubted Cole even heard her.

“After the accident, the anger and the grief were a constant gnawing pain. I refused to acknowledge or deal with either emotion. Over the years, instead of healing, I let the agony of my loss grow more intense. I closed myself off from friends and colleagues and threw myself into work, spending far more time in the office than I did at home. Blackie was virtually my only companion. And then a few years ago I started working on my place in the country. But the pleasure that gave me came from hard physical work, the kind that leaves you too tired to think.” His features
softened and he smiled at her. “I’d forgotten what it was like to fly a kite or laze in the sunshine.”

“That’s why you suggested the picnic with Jeff and me?”

He grinned and his dark eyes seemed almost boyish. “The last time I was in Golden Gate Park was with Bobby, shortly before the accident. Deciding to have a picnic there was a giant step for me. I half expected to feel pangs of grief, if not a full-blown assault. Instead I experienced joy—and appreciation for the renewal I felt. Laughter is a gift I’d forgotten. You and Jeff helped me see that, as well.”

Everything Cole was saying confirmed her worst fears.

“Mom!” Jeff roared into the kitchen with Blackie at his heels. “Is there anything to eat? Are you guys still going out to dinner? I don’t suppose you’d bring me, would you?”

Cole chuckled, then leapt to his feet to playfully muss Jeff’s hair. “Not this time, sport. Tonight’s for your mother and me.”

Two hours later, as Robin stood in front of the bathroom mirror, she had her reservations about this dinner date. She was falling in love with a man who hadn’t fully dealt with the pain of losing his wife and his son. Perhaps she recognized it in Cole because she saw the same thing in herself. She loved Lenny and always would. He’d died
years ago, and she still found herself talking to him, refusing to involve herself in another relationship. A part of her continued to grieve and she suspected it always would.

Examining herself in the mirror, Robin surveyed her calf-length skirt of soft blue velvet and white silk blouse with a pearl necklace.

She was fussing with her hair, pinning one side back with combs and studying the effect, when Jeff wandered in. He leaned casually against the doorway, a bag of potato chips in his hand.

“Hey, you look nice.”

“Don’t sound so surprised.” She decided she’d spent enough time on her hair and fastened her pearl earrings. Jeff was disappointed about not joining them, but he’d been a good sport—especially after Cole promised him lunch at a fish-and-chip place on the Wharf the following Saturday.

“You’re wearing your pearls,” Jeff mumbled, his mouth full.

“Yes,” Robin said, turning to face him. “Do they look all right?”

Jeff’s halfhearted shrug didn’t do a lot to boost Robin’s confidence. “I suppose. I don’t know about stuff like that. Mrs. Lawrence could probably tell you.” He popped another potato chip in his mouth and crunched loudly. “My dad gave you those earrings, didn’t he? And the necklace?”

“For our first wedding anniversary.”

Jeff nodded. “I thought so.” His look grew reflective. “When I grow up and get married, will I do mushy stuff like that?”

“Probably,” Robin said, not bothering to disguise her amusement. “And lots of other things, too. Like taking your wife out to dinner and telling her how beautiful she is and how much you love her.”