A New Day (25 page)

    
Tasha realized with a heavy heart that they were now waiting for him to die.  They began to pray that he would die, for all their sakes.  Naomi didn’t understand anything but the sadness and tension all around her, and became restless and fretful. 

    
The pain became so bad that when they’d try to turn Gary, he would cry out in agony.  Given the short time left, they stopped putting him through the turning and changes.  He quickly developed sores on his back and hips.  However, he didn't seem to notice.

    
Then one morning while Tasha sat beside him, he quit breathing.  She held her breath as she always did, waiting for him to gasp again for air — but this time, he did not. 

    
She sat there, staring in disbelief.  Expectancy made her body rigid.  She didn’t breathe, either.  She took his hand, and held it tightly.  Still, he did not breathe. 

    
Then she could feel ... something.  She felt him rise up in joy before her, above his empty shell.  But, his eyes were turned heavenward.  He didn’t know she was there beside him, didn’t realize she was even aware of what was happening to him. 

    
He didn’t even care anymore  that she was going to be alone; was alone already.  His heart was leaping toward heaven.  And she knew that he was gone from her.  It was confirmed by a sudden emptiness where his presence had been, just a second before.

    
She put her head on his breast, and wept.

CHAPTER SEVEN

     The next few months were like an endless nightmare.  Insurance papers to complete, people to be contacted.  The memorial service had to be got through, and details, details, details.  Never ending details.  All she wanted was to be left alone, and cry.

    
The friends who had once seemed so close, and such a strong support, were just people suddenly – all trying in vain to be something to her, that they could not.  She knew they were just trying to help; and she tried to show appreciation, but nothing could be the same anymore.

    
They never went away.  Tasha felt like she was the one inside a tomb.  She felt frozen in the shell of misery that had become so pronounced when Gary had gone. 

    
It felt as if her life was over, too.  Except that she had to stay alive in the world, all alone.  She was doing what she had to do by rote, not feeling or caring about anything.  Nothing had meaning anymore, with Gary gone.  It was even hard to be with the children.

    
The service was the hardest.  Everyone with tears in their eyes, everyone looking at her.  She went through it with grace, and composure, though she had no idea how she managed it.  Tears continually fell from her eyes; but other than that, she gave no sign.  No emotional expression except silent sadness and grief, and grim determination to carry on.  Because that is what Gary had asked of her.

    
There were many people she’d never met before, who wanted to talk about Gary.  It was so painful to hear.  Tasha just withdrew deep inside herself and nodded serenely,  as people came one after another to tell her how much they’d loved Gary.

    
Gary’s mother and father were both devastated.  The Waldens were there, and it was a bit of a comfort to have Deb there.

    
The most horrible moment of all came when they lowered him into the ground and covered him with dirt.  It filled her with a hopelessness and horror to hear those first shovels of dirt hit the coffin, that it was unequaled by anything that had gone before.  It was so final and irrevocable!  He was dead!  Dead!  Gone!  And her life was over, too – because he was gone, forever.  He had been her life, her only happiness.  He had saved her from her hopeless, austere prison, and given her something to live for. 

    
Tasha wished with all her heart that she could be there, buried with him, and never have to think, or feel such things again.  But there was no such luck.  Her grief broke through, then.  She felt as if her soul was being ripped from her body, and she wept bitterly.

    
Her hopelessness felt as if it would engulf her, swallow her alive and whole.  Tasha took tranquilizers to sleep, and Linda stayed on to help her take care of Naomi and Lucas until she could get back on her feet.  Social Security kept her going, along with gifts from the churches.

    
One of Gary’s good friends, Jeffrey Jamison, came and took the manuscripts for the book Gary had nearly finished.  He promised to work on getting it all put together, and published.  Tasha didn’t care.  She was far too miserable to care. 

    
Her friends tried to be there for her, to help her.  Marietta and Delanie kept her afloat, taking care of the children, cooking and cleaning.  She was dimly aware, and grateful.  She managed to tell them so, every now and then.

    
She had distanced herself emotionally, but slowly the fog began to lift.  She dreaded it, having to feel things again.  It hurt unbearably.

    
After several months had passed, a revelation came to Tasha that she didn’t belong anymore.  She had no life, without Gary.  She had no frame of reference, no reason.  She had no duties, no obligations, no goals or expectations.   She was merely existing; eating and breathing and sleeping.  Smiling when expected, saying the correct things. 

    
But, she did have her children.  Gary's children.  Slowly, she began to come back to life, as their need for her became more insistent.  She felt the first spark of love and life when their dear little arms wound around her neck, and their sweet lips kissed her cheek.  It was almost like having Gary kiss her cheek; for they were his own flesh and blood, too.

    
Her father called her several months after the funeral.  Tasha was stunned. 

     “
Tasha, it’s Brent.  I’ve been told … I understand that you’ve been widowed.”  he said gruffly.  “I’m sorry about this, little girl.  I’m sorry about everything.  I wondered if … well.  Perhaps it would be a good thing if you and your children came to stay with me, for a time.”

     “
Why?” she couldn’t help asking.

     “
Well, it’s time.  Don’t you think?  We need to mend fences, you and I.  We're all we have now, you know.  I'm done with the girlfriends, honey.  And, you need some taking care of now, if I don’t miss my guess.”

     “
I’ll be all right.”

     “
Let me do this.  I’m ... very sorry for what happened before.  I guess the truth was more than I could take.  Come for a time, and let me get to see my granddaughter.  I’d like to get to know her.  And the baby, too.”

     “
No.”  she shuddered.  The risk was too great.  The pain, too sharp.

     “
Listen to me, Tasha.  I know you.  Believe it or not, better than anybody.  You’ve had too much change to go on living the same pattern, doing the same things, with the same people, in the same place.  Nothing fits anymore when you’re trying to go on in the same old routines.  It won’t work.”

     ”
You need a change in your life.  Yet it has to be familiar, or it would be too hard an adjustment, right now.  If you come back home, everything will be … familiar.  Yet, kind of new. 

    
"It’s been several years since you’ve lived with me.  I won’t expect anything from you.  You can just come here, and heal.  You need time, to do that.  And I’ll be here, if you need anything.”

    
Suddenly, what he was saying made perfect sense.  It
was
exactly right.  Going home to him would be what she needed.  She could hear in his voice that it would be all right.  She heard that sane, very practical undertone, that told her he was on track. 

    
She would be able to really sleep, and be alone with her children, and sometimes, with her father.   He’d take care of them, as perfectly as he’d always done.  The servants would see to their every need, take care of the children if she didn’t, or couldn’t. 

    
And yet, there would be no need to smile.  No need to express her gratitude.  No need to pretend she cared, no need to be the pastor’s calm, faith-filled wife.  It was just what she needed.

    
So, turning a deaf ear to the pleading of her friends, Tasha moved out of her cabin, and sold it.  She went directly to Idaho to reunite with her father, yet feeling great trepidation.

    
He was waiting for her when she pulled into the driveway in her Bronco.  She’d put the ‘Vette in storage.  It wouldn’t carry all three of them, much less all of their things. 

    
It took great fortitude for her to drive up to the Idaho lodge, but it was too late to back out.  Her course was set, and even if it seemed intimidating, she knew it would turn out to be the right thing.  

    
They stood silently looking at one another, when she got out of the car.  Her father had aged.  He was gray at the temples, and had lines around his eyes and mouth.  His eyes looked pensive.  He didn’t make a move, just stood there looking at her, patiently. 

     “
Hello, Tasha.  You’ve grown up.”  he said quietly.

    
She managed a smile.  “I haven’t had much choice.”

     “
So I hear.  Bring in what you need, and the rest will wait.” He said, turning to lead her into the house.

    
She sighed in relief. She wouldn’t have known how to deal with any other behavior from him, just now.  Thank God, he was being just as he would have long ago, before any of this madness had occurred.  That felt somehow comforting. She got the children out of the car, and followed him inside.

    
Her room was just the same. Untouched, it seemed, by time.  The same old ruffled bed skirt.  The same wallpaper, same clothes in the closet.  As if the strange girl had never been there, helping herself to Tasha’s things. 

    
Her father had re-done the room next to hers as a nursery for the children.  It had been her old childhood playroom, so the transformation wasn't extensive.

    
She washed Naomi’s hands and face, and sat down to nurse Lucas.  Her old rocker somehow felt like home.  She smiled, and let her head fall back tiredly.

    
Several days after her arrival, Tasha felt rested enough to leave her room.  She gathered the children, and went out to the great room.  Her father was sitting in a recliner, reading the paper and smoking a pipe.

     “
Well then, let me see this pretty little girl.”  Brent said evenly, sitting forward and looking at Naomi with a clear invitation in his eyes.

    
Naomi looked suspiciously up at her grandfather.  Then, she swiveled her eyes to look questioningly at her mother.

    
There was no dramatic response, so slowly Naomi smiled her sweet, shy little smile.  Being a pastor's daughter, she was well used to meeting new people, and having them want to hold her and play with her.

    
After studying him for a moment, Naomi went willingly into his arms.  He looked like a nice enough man. Kind of steady, and firm. He had those blue, unwavering eyes that seemed to say that he knew everything in the world that there was to know.  For years afterward, Naomi would swear to the world that he did.

    
From then on, life was quite different for all of them.  Tasha picked up her old lifestyle to some degree, although she never quite entered the social scene the way she once had.  It was familiar and comfortable enough to keep her at ease, yet different enough from the life she’d been leading, to be good for her.

    
She didn’t hear from many of her old friends, save weekly letters from Delanie and Marietta.  After a while, even those tapered off.

    
She kept to her father’s house, and played with the children.  She acted as hostess when her father entertained, and played the part he needed her to play.  But she wasn’t interested in the men, and they simply couldn’t understand it.  How could a woman like Tasha not want to get married?

    
She didn’t.  The very idea was distasteful.  She knew there would never be another Gary, and she didn’t want anything or anyone less.  So, she filled her time with her children.  

    
Nothing eased the pain and loneliness, and she had to simply deny her heart and fleshly demands for her man.  He was gone forever, and she knew she’d have no other.  But she was heartsick most of the time, and so lonely.  She knew she was still simply surviving, but it would have to do.  She’d had her Shangri-la, and she knew it couldn’t happen again.