A New World: Sanctuary (28 page)

“I am too, hon,” I say but am unable to say more as the sadness I feel deep inside keeps me silent.
 
It threatens to rip my heart apart.

Another tremor takes hold of her body; stronger and lasting longer than the last.
 
She arches upward slightly as her body tenses.
 
Her eyes squeeze shut and then it passes.
 
I stroke her cheek lightly feeling the heat radiate.
 
She looks at Bri and then Robert, smiling at both of them with her sweet smile and telling them she loves them, before looking back at me.

“I’m going to miss going to the woods with you, Dad,” she says.
 
“I’m so glad you’re my Dad.”

“Don’t’ talk like that, hon.
 
We’ll have plenty more times together there.”

She just looks at me and smiles.
 
“Dad?”

“Yes, hon,” I answer feeling the hot tears stream down my cheeks.

“Promise you’ll meet me there,” she says in a soft whisper and her body tenses with another tremor.
 
Her hazel eyes look up into mine after her body relaxes and she smiles her soft smile.
 
She gazes with clarity one last time into mine as her hand goes limp in mine and the life leaves her eyes.

Noooooo!
 
I feel for a pulse and, feeling a light, thready one, begin resuscitation efforts.
 
I feel my tears splash against her cheeks as I try to blow life back into her.
 
Please no!
 
Please, anything but this!
 
Please don’t take my Nic from me.
 
Please come back, sweetheart.
 
Don’t leave me.

I hear Mom wailing in the background with Bri, Robert, and Lynn crying but this is lost on me as I try to blow my very life back into my sweet, beautiful girl.
 
I feel a hand on my shoulder after a while but shrug it off violently and, with a deep panic, continue to breathe into Nic.

“Jack,” I hear behind me a while later.

I stop and look down at my girl.
 
I check for a pulse and find none.
 
I reach up and close her eyes.
 
She looks so peaceful lying here.
 
I stroke her cheeks not noticing that coolness has replaced the fire that was so prevalent before.
 
Nic, please come back to me.
 
I look at that sweet face that always had a laugh ready; already missing its sweet sound.
 
The sweet, thoughtful and kind words for anyone that would come from those lips will speak no more.
 
The look of love that would radiate from her beautiful eyes.
 
I would never get to see that look again.
 
The wonderful times we had together, full of peace and warmth and serenity.
 
Thinking we would have an eternity to spend those moments together.
 
I will now never again sit with Nic on our hill, basking in the peace and just enjoying being with each other.
 
This vibrant and full-of-life girl of mine is gone.
 
Gone.
 
The realization of this comes to light and I feel my heart torn apart; ripping to pieces.

“Nooooo!”
 
I scream and collapse to the floor on my knees.

“Jack, I’m so sorry,” Lynn says sobbing, wrapping her arms around me.

I feel her arms around me, or notice but from a distance as I feel completely numb to all that is around me.
 
Numb except for extreme pain and grief.
 
The one thought that echoes above the pain is that I have failed.
 
All that I have done is a failure if it cost the life of one of my kids.

I cry myself out on the floor after a long while and feel a numbness seep into my being.
 
I also feel that void being replaced by anger and frustration.
 
Frustrated at feeling so helpless in being unable to save Nic; angry that my Nic has been taken from me; angry at myself for leaving her behind and not being here for her.
 
The pain turns to anger; a pain and anger so deep it wants to explode.
 
I rise, pick up my M-4, and rock the charging handle back chambering a round.
 
Lynn, who had her arms around me the entire time, rises with me and looks at me with concern.
 
I round on Drescoll, transferring the anger inside me to him for not keeping my daughter safe.
 
I’m not thinking clearly except to think he should have kept my daughter safe.
 
I entrusted that responsibility to him and he failed but know deep inside it’s my own failure.
 
The pain has to be vented somewhere.

Drescoll sees the look in my eyes looking at him and takes a step backward.
 
Lynn, seeing the burning in my eyes, steps between us.

“Jack, you don’t want to do this,” she says looking up at me.
 
I merely look from her to him.

“Before you do anything, let me tell you what happened,” she says putting a hand to my chest and relates the actions of the night prior that Drescoll told her.
 
“Jack, Nic saved his life.
 
Don’t take what she died saving.”

Her words sink in but it doesn’t alleviate the pain.
 
Only that it has to be released somehow.
 
I realize she’s right and he didn’t do anything wrong but the pain and anger are still ripping apart my insides.
 
I hand her my M-4 and trudge down the stairs and outside.
 
I know Robert, Bri, and Mom could use some consoling as well but I am not capable of that right now and just need to be alone.
 
The sun on my shoulders outside doesn’t convey the warmth it did upon my arrival.
 
I feel only a crushing blackness within.

I begin walking across the parking lot with no destination in mind.
 
My only thought is to get somewhere where I can be alone.
 
I see Little Robert off to a side of the parking lot playing fetch with Mike.
 
Other teams are in the lot but keep busy looking elsewhere.
 
Word must have spread and they feel uncomfortable not knowing what to say or do; knowing anything they say or do couldn’t possibly help.
 
The exception is Red Team; Gonzalez, McCafferty, Henderson, and Denton.

“Sir,” Gonzalez says putting a hand on my shoulder, “I know whatever I say can’t possibly help but, well, I’m sorry.”
 
The others pat my shoulder, nod in agreement with Gonzalez’s statement, and then walk away.

She’s wrong
, I think watching them walk away in the sunlit parking lot.
 
There’s a spark of light at the concern and sympathy both they and Lynn showed.
 
Even Drescoll.
 
I could see it in his eyes but didn’t give him a chance to voice it.
 
I continue across the lot, numbly picking a direction.
 
The lot ends and the brown grass begins but my steps carry on.
 
The dry grass crunches under my boots as I walk further away from the building as if distance can ease me.

The grief crushes me once again and I drop to my knees in the grass.
 
The sorrow and deep loss inside flows outward in wails.
 
It threatens to overwhelm me.
 
With each wail, I feel a little less pressure inside until I feel empty; a burned out husk but without the feeling like I’m going to explode.
 
Numb and empty, I return back.
 
Robert, Bri, Mom, and I hug and cry for a time.
 
I try to cover Nic but fumble, blinded by my tears at seeing her again.
 
I feel another hand on my shoulder.

“We’ll take care of her, Jack,” Drescoll says.

“Thanks.
 
And I’m sorry,” I say to his gesture of understanding and sympathy.

He shrugs, “I’m sorry too, Jack.”

I look past Drescoll to see Kelly standing in the background and am reminded that she has her own lost daughter to be taken care of.

“Drescoll, Kelly’s daughter is missing.
 
Can you have Red Team help her?”
 
I ask.

“Sure thing, Jack, consider it done,” he answers.

I collapse on a cot feeling overwhelmed; very tired.
 
I plan to take Nic out in the morning to lay her to rest in our favorite place, remembering her last words as tears stream down my cheeks until I fall asleep.
 
I sleep for the rest of the day and through the night, waking in panic at intervals, feeling a short relief thinking it has all been a horrible dream until the reality of it sets in, beginning the whole process once again.

*
  
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Red Team gathers by one of the Humvees checking on their ammo and supplies after receiving word from Drescoll that they were to help one of the new arrivals find her daughter.

“That really sucks about Jack’s daughter,” Gonzalez says checking her ammo pouches and radio.

“Yeah, no kidding,” McCafferty replies verifying both of their radios are in working order.

“Think he’ll be okay?”
 
Henderson asks.

“What do you mean?”
 
Gonzalez asks in response.

“Well, I knew this Sergeant in Afghanistan who lost one of his kids while he was there and completely lost it.
 
Walked his entire squad into an ambush and fell apart,” Henderson answers looking back at the large structure.

“Look guys, it’s up to us to watch out for him and make sure we support him the best way we can.
 
He’s one of us,” Gonzalez says.

“I don’t get the feeling that Jack will fall apart like that,” Denton says on the heels of Gonzalez.

“Hey, here comes the lady we’re supposed to help.
 
Game faces on,” Gonzalez says watching Kelly, Brian, and Jessica approach across the lot.
 
“Hey, by the way, who’s leading us?”

“You are,” McCafferty replies.

“Nice try but no thanks,” Gonzalez says.

“Sorry, but you brought it up so you’re it by default.
 
You two agree?”
 
McCafferty asks Henderson and Denton who both nod their agreement.
 
“You’re outvoted so you’re it.”

“Fuck you guys,” Gonzalez responds.
 
Kelly and the others finally join them and introductions are made.

“Are you ready, ma’am?”
 
Gonzalez asks.

“Yes,” Kelly answers.

“Okay, let’s load up.
 
Henderson, you drive,” Gonzalez says.

“Uh, ma’am, I’m not really comfortable with your daughter coming along,” Gonzalez adds seeing Jessica begin to enter.

“Why not?”
 
Kelly asks.

“Because we don’t know what we’re going to find out there,” Gonzalez answers.

“She’ll be fine, miss,” Brian says.

“You really don’t know that or what it’s like out there do you?”
 
Gonzalez says.
 
“I’m not comfortable with taking her and she’ll be safer here.
 
She stays.
 
And I’m not a “miss” as you so eloquently put it.
 
You may call me Corporal or Gonzalez, your choice.”

“I don’t really care one way or the other.
 
Can we just go?”
 
Kelly states.

With everyone on board, Henderson starts the Humvee.
 
Lynn walks across the lot and to the open window.
 
“I want you all back here by 1900.
 
That gives you three hours.”

“Yes, First Sergeant,” Gonzalez responds from the passenger seat.

“That’s back here, not starting back or taking off on some sight-seeing adventure.”

“Hooah, First Sergeant.”

“Okay, good luck,” Lynn says.

“How’s Jack?”
 
McCafferty asks.

“Finally sleeping.
 
Now off with you.”

They head off and make their way through town taking several turns with Kelly’s guidance.
 
They motor through the quiet and empty streets but the pervasive smell of rot fills the air.
 
The houses seem to shrink back from the streets as if knowing their usefulness to humanity has come to an end and they’re receding into the background.
 
To the team, they seem to grow dimmer in the light of the sun as if the harboring of so much dead or night runners has changed their personality or charm; as if the dead are somehow changing the very essence of what were once called homes.

“Is this what it’s like everywhere?”
 
Kelly asks at one point, looking at the quiet and still environment.

“Yes, ma’am.
 
At least as far as we’ve seen,” Gonzalez answers.

“It doesn’t seem that bad,” Brian says from the back seat next to Kelly.