A Note in the Margin (25 page)

John
looked at the menu board in the café.
What the fuck do teenagers drink?
He ordered himself a tea and sat down to wait for Adam. His fingers fiddled with the small salt shaker as he watched the fine grains shift within the glass confines. Several times he glanced up when customers came and went; he couldn’t begin to imagine how David must be feeling. He’d been quiet since they’d talked, barely said half a dozen words. David had politely refused his half of the sandwich and gently fended off Jamie’s chatter, but at least he hadn’t retired to his chair.
That had to be a good sign, an improvement,
John thought, remembering the compulsive sketching and “hiding” in the battered leather chair.

His thoughts were interrupted when the waitress slid his cup of tea onto the table. “There you go,” she smiled, recognizing his worried expression. “I put a couple of cookies on the saucer for you.”

“Thank you,” John answered and then frowned. “Actually, can I order a juice, too, please?”

It
had been easy enough to sneak out of his study period, grab his bag from his locker, and duck out through the side gate of the school. He’d asked his friends to cover for him if anyone looked for him, but rather than telling them where he was going he let them believe it was to meet a girl. They’d laughed at his agitation when he checked the time on his phone yet again until he could make his escape to whispered jibes and suggestions of how to “get some”.

It was a relief to be away from his friends and finally walking toward the café. Watching his feet move rapidly over the cracked sidewalk, Adam wondered how he would cope if it was his dad meeting him instead of John. He pushed the thought out of his head, shoved his hands in his pockets, and set up a determined stride.

John was munching absently on one of the cookies when he saw the teenage boy walk through the door. Ignoring the nervous twist in his gut, John stood up and beckoned him over to the table. Adam gave a half-smile and sat down, pushing his school bag under his seat. “Thanks for talking to him for me, John,” he said, trying very hard to sound adult.

John nodded and said, “I’m in a difficult situation here, Adam. I feel like I need to look out for David, but I can also understand why
you
need some contact with him.”

“I just…,” Adam started and then stopped to take a breath. “I want to know why he left us. Why he….” The question remained unfinished when the words simply wouldn’t come. Adam quickly looked away from John and down to his hands.

“I can’t answer that, Adam,” John said sadly, wishing he had more to offer the boy. “All I know is that he was living between the street and a homeless shelter when I met him.”

Adam stared at him with obvious confusion. “But my mum said he left us for another family.”

“I don’t think that’s right,” John said quickly, puzzled why Adam’s mother would lie to him. “David won’t really talk about any of it, but now and then he lets slip some information and I’m pretty sure he was alone when he left. He said he was confused and didn’t know what was happening at the start.”

John watched Adam as he spoke and the boy seemed to be struggling to sort through his recollections of his dad during their last days together.

“He wasn’t too good before he left,” Adam said, softly looking at the glass of juice in front of him.

“In what way?” John gently pushed.

“Dad always worked really hard. I mean,
really
hard, and I know he hated being away from me so much. I remember waking up one night and he was asleep in the chair in my room. I’d gone to sleep so angry with him because he’d had a meeting or something and missed… shit, I dunno, some school thing.” Adam looked up at John to apologize for cursing, but John merely nodded for him to go on. “Anyway, he didn’t get up one morning. I heard Mum yelling at him and she slammed the bedroom door. When I got home from school the door was still shut… and the next day too. I wanted to see how he was, but Mum told me he was sick and to leave him alone.” He stopped and hesitated for several seconds to get it all straight in his head before he added, “I listened at the door, John… and I think I heard him crying.”

The image of David hiding alone in his room crying made John’s chest ache and the emotion played on his face for barely a second before he managed to suppress it, but it was long enough for Adam to see. “I didn’t go in to see him and I think maybe I should have,” he said quietly.

“You were young, Adam, and he was your dad,” John said gently. “It’s a bloody tough lesson to learn that your dad isn’t perfect. Don’t be too hard on yourself.” He leaned forward and patted Adam on the shoulder, knowing exactly how he must be feeling.

“He had some kind of breakdown, didn’t he, John?”

“I think so,” John answered. “He’s a bit better now, but he still has his bad days.”

“That’s why he left,” Adam stated, confirming it to himself more than John. “I
hated
him for leaving us, leaving me without saying anything. For not caring enough to stick around. There were so many times I wanted to yell at him, and other times I just… I guess I wanted him to talk to. But he was never there.”

“It hurt him not to be part of your life, Adam,” John murmured. “But he was around. He went through a lot just to see you.”

Adam frowned. “What do you mean? I
never
saw him after he left; not until the day at the art gallery.”

John took a breath and thought through the best way to word this without giving away too much information. He started slowly and said, “David always made sure you were okay, Adam. He rarely had money, but the little he did have he spent on buses to see you; he’s been around even though you didn’t see him.”

Adam shook his head and was about to argue when he stopped and paled. He stared at John as an unwelcome realization dawned. “The bus shelter near school; sometimes the kids used to joke about the old bum in there….” His voice trailed off and he quickly turned to look out the nearest window.

“It’s okay, Adam,” John whispered. “You didn’t know because he didn’t want you to know.”

Adam blinked furiously, trying to keep the tears away. He kept his face turned toward the window as he said with a slight break in his voice, “They gave him a hard time, John.”

John leaned forward, laid a hand on Adam’s arm again, and said, “I did too, Adam; at the start.”

“Fuck.” Adam cursed half under his breath and angrily wiped away a stray tear with the back of his hand. John took a sip of his tea and let Adam have some privacy. He smiled and nodded at the watchful waitress to reassure her that things were okay.

Eventually Adam sucked in a shaky breath and turned to face John. “Can I ask when you met him?”

“Not that long ago, actually. Just the middle of the year,” John answered, a little surprised that it had been such a short time. “He… was a regular at a store I took over.”

Adam looked at him and frowned until John explained. “It was cold and the previous owner had let him read the secondhand books at the back of the store to stay out of the weather. It took her a while to convince him it was okay, but she was pretty persuasive.”

When Adam merely replied with a small nod John felt the need to expand on the explanation. “He had an old leather chair among the books at the back. It’s still there actually, and he used to spend his days sitting reading.”

“Dad enjoyed reading,” Adam confirmed with the slightest hint of a smile.

John returned the smile and added, “It was good for him to disappear into a book; he needed that.”He paused and took a sip of his tea, not really wanting to admit what came next, but knew Adam needed to know the truth. “When I leased the store I didn’t want him around,” John said in an embarrassed and somewhat ashamed tone. “I thought he might scare the customers because he was a mess and smelled pretty bad. But I got to know him and ah, offered him somewhere to clean up.” Seeing the miserable expression on Adam’s face, John quickly said, “He’s getting better, Adam… even if he still doesn’t say much.”

Adam took a few minutes to process the information and sat back in his seat, eyes following the condensation forming on his glass of orange juice. A lot of questions vied for attention in his thoughts; some he wasn’t sure he wanted to be answered. Finally he looked up with a sigh and asked, “But he knows you’re here with me?”

“Yeah, he does,” John said softly. “Please understand that even
this
is a huge step for him, Adam. Even you talking to me has him terrified.”

“Why? Why is he scared of me?” Adam scowled in confusion and John instantly tried to pacify him.

“I really don’t think that’s it. I think he’s afraid of what you might say. No, that’s not it. He’s ashamed, Adam. Ashamed of leaving you, ashamed of how he’s had to survive….” John shook his head, knowing he couldn’t follow that path with David’s son, and said instead, “Your dad never stopped loving you, Adam.”

A tear made its way down Adam’s cheek. “Will he ever talk to me, John?”

“I think so,” John said with some confidence, because after meeting Adam he honestly believed it could happen.

Adam sat forward and took his first mouthful of juice and asked, “Can
we
talk again?”

“Yeah,” John replied with a grin. “We can do that.”

By
the time John parked his car, the store was already closed, yet he still peered through the front door to check it was empty. John briefly looked up at the front windows of the apartment. No sign of life. He walked to the doorway.

The living room was quiet; still no sign of David. He stood and listened. Somehow he knew David was around. At the barest sound of water moving, John turned to the bathroom and tapped lightly on the door before trying the knob. It was unlocked.

The bathroom was warm and steamy when John peered around the door and said quietly, “I’m home.” David looked over at him with a small smile and nodded.

“Stating the obvious, I know.” John returned the smile and wandered over to the bath to sit on the edge. He dipped his fingertips into the warm water and said softly, “Been some time since we did this.” David sighed and nodded again while John dunked the sponge into the bath and squeezed the water over David’s shoulder. The intimate moment gave them a chance to just be together before the conversation started.

David closed his eyes and waited.

“Adam’s a good kid, Dave,” John began quietly. “He misses you, but I think he understands.” When the words started, David slumped forward and stared at the ripples he’d created in the water. John watched him carefully and whispered, “Mind if I join you in there?” David didn’t look up or say anything, but slowly shuffled forward, creating a small wave that washed to the edge of the bath and enough room for John to settle behind him. With a small touch of acknowledgment on David’s shoulder, John stood up and calmly removed his clothes, throwing them over the chair on top of David’s.

The water threatened to spill onto the floor when he lowered himself into the warm tub, but it felt good against his tense muscles. John let out a low moan and settled back against the warm porcelain. “Come here,” he murmured and slid his arms around David, pulling him gently between his legs. Without a word David leaned back into John’s embrace to rest against his chest. They sat in near silence, the only sound being the occasional water ripple and John’s lips as he kissed the wet hair clinging to David’s temple.

When David turned his face and glanced up at him, John said, “He didn’t understand why you left, Dave. Your wife told him you’d found someone else.”

“No,” David said quietly at first, but he repeated it with a slight edge of anger creeping into his voice.

“It’s okay,” John soothed him. “I told Adam that wasn’t true.”

“There was no one then,” he whispered again.

“I know,” John murmured and rested his cheek on David’s hair. John knew this would be hard, but he wasn’t quite prepared for how much
he
would hurt at David’s distress. He exhaled slowly, understanding that this had to happen, and waited.

“I was scared. I couldn’t figure things out and the more I tried the more confused I got. It… it was as if connections weren’t in my head anymore. I knew they should be and they weren’t there.” The fear was evident in his voice as David tried to articulate how he felt, tried to work through it the way Barbara was teaching him. “I don’t remember leaving. I knew I needed to…. Then I was cold and ….”

John felt the tension building in David’s body and gently stroked his hair. “Adam knows something was wrong,” John reassured and distracted him. “He asked me if you’d been ill. I told him that I thought so.”

“I should have been stronger for him.”

“Fuck, Dave.” John sighed. “We all want to be stronger and better. Sometimes just to prove that we’re good enough to be respected… or loved.”

David quietly nodded and reached to find John’s hand.

John took a long breath and said, “But in the meantime, my arse has gone to sleep and the water’s getting cold.” He kissed David and motioned for him to sit up. “I think we need to dry off, cook some dinner, and figure out what you want me to say to your son next time we meet.”