A Pinstriped Finger's My Only Friend (11 page)

(
Oww!
)

...trying not to look nervous. "Are you guys heading home?"

"Thou mightst sayeth that." Eva casts a knowing smirk in Kaela's direction. "We art heading
home
."

"Just not to our
own
homes," says Kaela. "
Other
people's homes. We must needs practiceth our serial killer lessons on other people in their homes."

"
Homework
, remembereth?" Eva raises her eyebrows and giggles.

(So maybe I
don't
wanna know what they do for homework after all!)

"We have been given a big assignment for tonight." Kaela rolls her eyes. "Thanketh thou a lot, Mrs. Granger."

Eva holds up the fingers of one hand. "
Five
victims in
one
home invasion. Talk about
overkill
."

"Hey, that's a good one!" Kaela laughs.

"It
is
, isn't it?" says Eva. "But oh well, we shalt get it done. We shalt
ace
it like always. I've already got a little something in mind that shan't misseth."

"Wouldst thou liketh to tag along?" Kaela smiles encouragingly. The look in her eyes tells the story: she wants her some Judd. "We canst
always
useth a big, strong
man
during a
home invasion
and
multiple murder
."

Judd shakes his head. "No thanks, guys." Inside, he's shivering like a puppy at the vet's. "There's something I've gotta do."

Kaela scowls. "More important than slaughtering and skinning an entire
family
?"

"Geez, Judd." Eva's scowling, too. "What hath gotten
into
thee?"

"What can I say?" Judd shrugs. "Rain check?"

"At least let us give thee thy reward." Eva waves at somebody behind Judd, gesturing for whoever it is to come forward. "Hold him, Teo."

Judd didn't even know anyone was back there. Startled, he whips around, but it's too late to do more than see Teo reaching for him.

(How'd that big S.O.B. stay so
quiet
back there?)

The bald giant nods as he clamps his massive paws around Judd's upper arms. "Congratulations, good sir Judd," he says as he firms up his grip.

"Thy deeds hath been most meritorious this day, my darling." Eva draws a metal prod from the flesh of her back. When she presses a stud on the handle, the tip of the prod turns cherry red.

I squirm as Eva carries it closer. "What
is
that thing? I can feel the
heat
it's giving off from
here
!"

Judd ignores me. "What deeds?" he asks Eva. "What did I
do
?"

"Thou hath asketh me to the prom, of course." Eva presses the handle stud again, and the prod glows brighter. "Now I shalt
brand
thee with the mark of my
love
."

Judd shifts in Teo's grip, which is too tight to break free of. "Thanks, but you really don't have to." A wave of panic rises within him, and rightly so. That prod is
blazing
hot.

But I'm gonna try to talk him through it. "Deep breathing, Judd! You can handle this!"

"Teo." Eva continues to move closer. "Holdeth out his left hand, please."

I keep talking as she advances. "Suck it up, dude! It'll be over before you..."

(
SAY WHAT???
)

(Did she say
hold out his left hand???
)

"Worry not, my love," says Eva. "I shall give thee just a
little
burn...just a little brand on thy..."

(
NO! DON'T SAY IT!!
)

"...on thy
left pinky finger
."

(
SHE SAID IT SHE SAID IT OMG SHE SAID IT!
)

So much for soothing platitudes! "Judd! You've gotta
break loose
! Don't let her
do
it,
whatever
you do!"

The prod slides closer as Teo forces Judd's left hand out. I fight him with all my strength, but still he manages to uncurl me from Judd's fist, holding me straight up to face the coming fire.

"Once I hath marked thou,
everyone
shall know thee art my
property
." Eva shoots a nasty look over her shoulder at Kaela. "No one shall be at liberty to
trespass
, pleading
ignorance
of thy status."

The blistering heat flares before me, blotting out the world.
This is it!

(I can just
imagine
how the scalding
metal
is going to
feel
searing into my...)

Suddenly, everything is engulfed by a flash of white light. At first, I assume it's a burst of pain washing away all sensation. Maybe a defense mechanism has kicked in to ease my suffering and preserve my sanity.

But then...

(
Huh
??)

But then, the light dies down, replaced not with overwhelming
agony
...

(I can't believe it!)

...but with
change.

"Pinkerton?" Judd's voice is hushed. "What the hell just happened?"

I don't say a word, though the answer is obvious. The red hot poker is gone. So is Eva, so is Teo.

In their place...

(Do I really
see
what I
think
I see?)

...are...are...

(Where the hell are the
serial killers
?)

...in their place are clouds of
words
, floating in midair.

Judd reaches toward one of them with a trembling hand.

(His
right
one. The
left
one, home of Killdigit, wouldn't be caught
dead
trembling.)

The cloud he reaches for has one large word in the middle, ten times bigger than all the rest. That word, which looks like it was typed with the Times New Roman font, is "EVA."

We see the word clearly, as our surroundings have become much brighter. Gone are the moldy, dripping stone walls lit by flickering torches. Instead, we drift in a field of white space that stretches as far as we can see in all directions. The field is awash with white light so radiant, Judd has to squint against the glare.

Frowning, he continues to extend his hand toward the EVA cloud. "Is this supposed to be...is this..."

Around the central word, dozens of smaller words slowly orbit, all typed in Times New Roman. I see "SEXY," "STRONG," "CONFIDENT," and "FUN," among others.

Judd's fingers brush the outermost edge of the cloud. The words "TENDER" and "TALKATIVE" swim away from him like guppies.

"Is this supposed to be
her
?" His voice is filled with awe. "Is this supposed to be
Eva
?"

Suddenly, a new word fades into view in the heart of the cloud, half as big as the name EVA. Like a bubble from a bubble wand, it drifts out of the cloud and stops in front of Judd's face.

The word hangs there a second, then bursts apart like a popping bubble. Judd's eyes are huge as he watches the bits of it flicker away into thin air.

The word is "YES."

"Dude." I see another cloud hovering nearby with the word "KAELA" in the middle. "This is huge. I mean
really
huge."

"I hear ya." Judd watches as a "TEO" cloud drifts past...

(...including the words "TOUGH," "UNSTOPPABLE," "BRUTAL"...and "LAMBIKINS"??)

Judd smiles and nods. "We're finally out of serial killer land, thank God."

I shake my head pinky-style, flicking my tip from right to left, left to right. "That's not what I'm talking about, dude. I mean
when
we got here.
That's
what's
huge
."

Judd thinks for a moment, and then he gets it. His eyes light up with realization. "Oh, geez..."

"You didn't
fall asleep
, and the world
changed
." I jab his palm for emphasis. "All bets are off, dude. Forget about
predicting
or
managing
this insanity."

Judd shuts his eyes and shakes his head. "It can happen at
any time.
"

If I had a face, a real human face, I'd be wincing like crazy right now. "Just in case the ride hasn't been
wild
enough for you
already
."

*****

Judd stares at the "EVA" cloud as a new word emerges, floating toward him: "LOVE."

Meanwhile, the "KAELA" cloud floats out a word, too: "JEALOUSY." Then another, "INSECURITY."

"Weird place, huh?" Judd scratches his head. "But at least there aren't as many serial killers."

I laugh. "And if there are, they'll just be the words 'SERIAL KILLER' with words like 'CRAZY' and 'BLOODTHIRSTY' floating around them." Something catches my attention, and I look up. The giant word "CLOUD" hangs in the air overhead, shedding hundreds of smaller words. "Hey, look. It's raining."

As Judd glances up, hundreds of copies of the word "RAINDROP" twirl down from the word "CLOUD." "How long do you think we'll be here, Pinkerton?"

(I wish I had a magic marker that would write on thin air, because then I'd just draw a question mark and let it sail up to him like a kite.)

"Not a clue, Fartleroy." That's what I tell him. "Why don't you just enjoy this nice, peaceful interlude while you can?"

Judd thinks for a moment, watching the "RAINDROP" words fall past and collect in word puddles on the smooth white ground. "So changes can happen even if I don't fall asleep, right? So do you think sleep will still bring them on, too?"

The nearly transparent word "BREEZE" ripples past, lightly brushing my tip. "We'll find out sooner or later, I suppose."

The "EVA" cloud bobs closer to Judd and pushes out the word "KISS." It flutters toward his face like a butterfly, then dissolves against his lips into dozens of inky droplets.

The puddles of the word "RAINDROP" make me realize something. "I don't think we can survive here for long. You'll die of thirst or starvation. You can't eat or drink
words
, dude."

"So we need another change." Judd sighs. "So what changed things this time, if not sleep?" He rubs the back of his neck with his left hand...

(...dude needs a
shower
...)

...as another "KISS" from "EVA" dissolves against his cheek. "Do you think it's like what we talked about, Pinkerton? Maybe I learned a lesson or changed something about myself?"

"
Did
you?" I say. "Learn a lesson or change something, I mean?"

Dude rolls it around for a minute, then shakes his head. "I don't think so. Maybe I need to try harder."

I give his palm a tap. "Maybe you learned something in super-jock world."

Judd raises me to eye level. "How so?" I guess he isn't so worried about what the word-clouds might think of him talking to his finger.

But it turns out they
do
notice. "CRAZY?" That's the word that comes floating out of the "EVA" cloud, and then the "TEO" cloud pushes out "NUTS!"

"Back home, you're a popular jock," I tell Judd. "But on super-jock world, you were the opposite. Maybe you went there so you'd understand how it feels to be a non-jock."

"You think so?"

I finger-shrug. "So how did it feel?"

"Crappy," says Judd. "But not as bad as being almost murdered by
serial killers
. What was I supposed to learn from
that
place? That I need to stop
killing
people?"

"I don't know." I slump against the next finger over. "Maybe it only makes sense
some
of the time."

"Try
one
of the times," says Judd. "Because if there's anything to learn from the purple furries or the cyclops with the removable brain or the weird puffballs, I'm not
seeing
it."

I feel like I'm grasping at straws, but what the hell. "Maybe it's just...you said you hate being out of control. Maybe that's what this is about. Forcing you out of your comfort zone."

Judd looks at me like I'm dead wrong. "Know what I think? There
is
no reason for any of this. And we're
never
going
home
." Then he does one of those things I totally
hate
...

(...almost as much as when he
cracks his knuckles
.)

(
That's
the
worst
, man!)

He stuffs his
hands
in his
pockets
.

(
Dammit
, dude!)

I yell at him from in there, crammed in the pillowy soft darkness, but either he doesn't hear my muffled voice or he just doesn't care.

('S
one
way to shut me up.)

He leaves me like that for what seems like a long time. Meanwhile, I feel the tops of his legs moving, so I know he goes for a walk. Where he's walking
to
here in words-and-whiteness land, I can't guess.

(Enjoy your
private time
while it
lasts
, dillhole!)

Eventually, he pulls me out again. If I had eyes, I'd be blinking like crazy at the bright white light after being cooped up for so long in the darkness.

"Thanks a lot for the time-out, dude!" Sometimes, I wish I were a whole fist instead of a pinky finger.

(Or maybe a whole
person
with
two
fists, so I could
really
do some damage!)

(He
deserves
it!)

"Didja have a nice
walk
?
" Looking around, I see whiteness everywhere. "This is so much
different
from where we were before."

"At least the sun's out." Judd looks up at the white sky, where the giant word "SUN" hovers. There isn't a single "CLOUD" word in sight. "I needed to do some thinking."

I gotta admit, I'm still kind of P.O.'d. "You get it all figured out?" I really ladle on the sarcasm. "You got all the answers now?"

Judd shoots me a nasty glare. "You're lucky I don't snip you off sometime, you know that?"

"I'd like to see you
try
." I say it so it sounds like I'm hissing the words between clenched teeth. "
Killdigit
fears
no one
."

Judd shakes his head, then looks over his shoulder. "What do you girls say? Should I snip my pinky?"

When Judd stops and turns, I see that two of the word-clouds are bobbing behind him. The "EVA" cloud pushes out the word "DON'T!" and the "KAELA" cloud pushes out the word "NO!"

"Actually, maybe that isn't such a bad idea," Judd says thoughtfully. "The last time we changed, you were about to be branded, Pinkerton."

(I don't like where this is going, not one bit.)

But my bad mama-jama mojo is still firmly in puh-lace. "Yeah, so?"

"So I wonder if stress might have something to do with it," says Judd. "Stress to
you
, I mean."

(Uh-boy. This could get ugly.)

"I don't buy into that theory, dude." I flick myself back and forth. "I don't have any connection to this weirdness."

Suddenly, Judd grabs me with his right fist. "Let's find out! What if I
break
you, Pinkerton?" He squeezes me tighter. "What if I just
snap
you right
now
?"

(Well
this
sucks!!)

"Come on, Pinkerton! I'm going to
break
you!"

Dude's cutting off my circulation! I'm not worried that he'll really break me, but
damn
, he's making me
dizzy
.

"Here it
comes
!" Judd squeezes me tighter still. "Get ready for the
big break
!"

But nothing happens. A moment passes, and he finally lets go of me.

(Thank God! The blood starts pumping again, and the dizziness quickly fades.)

"So much for that idea," I say. "I guess stress doesn't do the trick after all."

Just lets out a heavy sigh. "Then what the hell
does
trigger the ch--"

Before he can finish his sentence, the world of words and whiteness disappears.

And just like that, everything around us is different again.

*****