A Pinstriped Finger's My Only Friend (22 page)

It's like somebody flips a switch. Seriously.

Once Judd makes the commitment to crazy, it's like some clown in a control room somewhere flips a big switch marked "MORE CRAZY." Because from that point on, the craziness speeds up. It
intensifies
. It gets even...

Crazier
.

Changes come faster, as if Judd was holding them back by clinging to sanity, and now they've got free rein. Take the pogo-bots. Two minutes after Judd starts hopping along with them, they turn into creatures with the top half of a walrus and the backend of a zebra. A minute after that, they turn to glittering crystal beings filled with sand...and a minute later, they merge into a single sphere of pure, crackling electricity.

As for the surroundings, they don't always change, or they change partway, or they change too much. The walrus-zebras galumph along through the same misty hallways as the pogo-bots. The sand-filled crystal people find themselves in a world of colorful balloons that their hard edges constantly pop. And when the sphere of electricity appears, the hall becomes a rickety wooden bridge through a kaleidoscopic void swirling with ever-changing shapes. I'm terrified Judd will fall through a gap between the slats, and we'll both disappear forever.

But Judd doesn't seem worried at all. He strolls along with the same goofy grin on his face, swinging his arms like he's taking a hike on the beach.

He's humming a tune I can't identify. Maybe he's making it up as he goes along. He seems perfectly at ease, without a care in the world.

(So why am I so
worried
??)

We're in the hall where most of Judd's classes are scheduled when the bell rings. This time, it sounds like a straw slurping at the bottom of the world's biggest soda.

(I picture T. Zara sucking the last of his giant gulp drink in front of a microphone.)

At this point, the hall's like a jungle, completely enfolded in lush green tropical foliage. The people are all hairless albinos glowing with pale pink auras. Judd looks the same as they do; for once, he's changed right along with everyone else. He looks identical...

(...except for his still-striped pinkies, thank you very much...)

...right down to the bright orange toga and black flip-flop sandals he wears. And like I said, he seems perfectly at ease. As far as I can tell, the physical change doesn't even phase him.

(Which is head-spinning in itself, dontcha think?)

So then he stops in the middle of the jungle-ized hall and recites "eeny meeny miny moe," pointing at each of four different doors in turn. "Catch a tiger by the toe."

(The doors are made of bamboo, by the way, with coconut shell knobs.)

"If he hollers, let him go. Eeny meeny miny moe." When he hits the last "moe" and ends up pointing at a door to his right, he starts toward it. "Looks like as good a place for my next class as any."

But then, at the last second, he spins and heads for another door down the hall, one he didn't even point at before. And on his way there, he does a little hopscotch step on the dirt floor. So...

I have to say he's taking this "crazy" thing to heart.

When Judd walks in, he finds thirty albino kids crawling around in circles on all fours, mooing. There isn't a desk in sight; the floor's covered in what looks like soft brown fur with white streaks. An adult female albino who must be the teacher sits cross-legged in a big wicker basket at the front of the room, holding a blazing tiki torch in one hand and a remote control like T. Zara's in the other. There's a digital scoreboard on the wall behind her, just like in the other room, and it's framed by a giant yellow boa constrictor wearing a blue beany cap with a propeller on top.

(Talk about bizarre times a quintillion!)

I haven't got a clue what's going on here. As for Judd, he just strolls right in and starts clucking and flapping his arms like a chicken.

(Channeling his "crazy" spirit, no doubt.)

As soon as he starts, all the other kids in the room roll over on their backs. They all kick and wriggle their arms in the air, chanting the word "bubblegum" in a high-pitched falsetto. The teacher chants the word "diligence" at the same time, volume alternating between loud and soft.

(I guess it goes without saying that I don't get it, right?)

When the class does their roll-over-and-chant routine, Judd switches gears. Instead of clucking and flapping, he extends his arms straight out from his sides and runs around between the wriggling kids, pretending he's an airplane. He tips from side to side, swooping like a plane through currents of air...even making a sound like a plane's motor as it passes,
REEEOOWWW
.

When he does that, the kids all jump up and start punching the crap out of each other. It's a full-scale albino brawl, all shapes and sizes included, no holds barred. One of the kids gets a trash can stuffed on his head; another one gets thrown out a window.

Meanwhile, Judd changes from albino airplane to ape...literally. There's a flash of light, and his pale white skin grows a layer of black fur. His face and form become that of a six-foot-tall chimpanzee, though no one else changes and the room itself stays the same.

Judd bares his teeth and makes a screeching sound. It's like a cue to the rest of the kids. They all stop fighting and rush to the windows, diving out headfirst like a pack of lemmings.

Judd the chimp screeches again. When he turns to gape at the digital scoreboard, I get a look at his score, which is blinking red against the black background.

It's 38,115 now. So his latest performance brought up his score by 12,753.

(Maybe there's something to this extreme craziness of his after all!)

Judd screeches some more and hops up and down, chimp style. There's another flash, and he's back to being himself, but he's wearing a straightjacket in a padded room.

(I manage to poke myself out through a rip in the wraparound sleeve for a peek at what's happening.)

The teacher now towers over him, seven feet tall, with a unicorn horn spiraling out of her forehead and red-and-black ladybug beetles scrambling all over her body.

"You've started the new round of the Permanent Tournament with a
bang
, haven't you?" The teacher has short brown hair, hazel eyes, and a familiar voice. Now that she doesn't look like a glowing albino anymore, I recognize her as Judd's math teacher, Miss Beckett. "You're in the lead by 16,000 points!"

"That's terrible!" Judd sounds upset as he wrestles against the straightjacket. "Why do I have to be such a
loser
?"

Miss Unicorn-Beckett frowns. "But I said you're
winning
. You have the highest
score
."

"The highest
s'more
?" Judd stops fighting the jacket and starts turning in circles instead. "Highest
spore
?
Snore
?
Sore
?"

"Well, you won't have it for long, if you keep hanging around here. The classroom portion of the competition's over." Miss Beckett bobs her head toward the door. "Rest of the round's happening in the
gym
."

Judd throws himself down on the padded floor, rolls onto his side...

(...his
left
side, I'm happy to say...)

...and spins around on his shoulder by running in a circle on the sides of his feet. It's a Curly from the Three Stooges kind of move, complete with whooping sound effects.

Miss Beckett leans down and pokes him with her unicorn horn. "I
said
, the
rest
of the round's happening in the..."

Suddenly, Judd stops spinning and rolls away from her. He stops with his back against the wall and uses the padded surface to push himself up to his feet. "The rest of the
pound
?
Hound
?
Bound
?
Ground
? The rest of the
runaround
?"

Miss Beckett shakes her head, lashing her unicorn horn from side to side. "What I
said
was..."

Suddenly, the horn and ladybugs are gone, and so is her extra height. Miss Beckett goes from seven feet tall to
three
, and her body becomes pale and doughy as a lump of unbaked bread.

(All without the usual flash of light! So now the changes come without even
that
warning!)

The padded classroom turns into a chamber of flowers...wall to wall blossoms of every kind and color covering every surface.

(Again with the no-flash-of-light bit!)

As for Judd, his straightjacket vanishes, and his body becomes a big ball, four feet in diameter. Even us pinkies get absorbed into the smooth surface, flattened with his hands on either side of his stretched-out face.

(Which feels pretty
funny
, but at least I can still
think
!)

Miss Beckett picks up where she left off before the change. "Wubble I
said
wubble..." Her dough clump lips move as stiffly as lips on a wax dummy. "...the wubble wubble wubble's wubbling in the
gym
."

"You got it, teach!" Judd's voice is ultra-high-pitched as he rolls toward the door.

(If the dude's full of
helium
, why isn't he
floating
?)

Miss Beckett shuffles over, reaches up for the flower-covered knob...

(...which is above eye level now...)

...and pushes the door open with a grunt. "Good wubble, Judd! Wubble wubble Living Cup!"

"You the man, Miss Beckett!" says Judd as he rolls past her out the door and down the hall...

(...which, instead of multitudes of flowers, is filled with silver Christmas tinsel and cotton balls...)

(...
slithering
tinsel and
fanged
cotton balls...)

...and he goes faster the further he gets, making me dizzy as he spins pole-to-pole, hurtling toward the gym.

*****

Judd has such a good head of steam going, he knocks the gym doors open when he rolls into them.

Suddenly, a spotlight blazes to life, catching us in its blinding beam. A man's voice blares over a loudspeaker, talking in what sounds like French interspersed with the screeching of alley cats.

Is anyone else in the room? It sounds perfectly silent, except for the announcer. Maybe the latest round of Permanent Tournament events is done without an audience.

Judd rolls forward in a serpentine path, and the spotlight follows. I don't know what he has in mind, he hasn't talked to me lately, but I guess it doesn't matter. He seems to be handling himself pretty well, better than ever. I guess maybe he was right about fighting fire with fire...crazy with crazy.

(I hate hate hate to admit it.)

Judd keeps rolling around as the announcer babbles and the cats screech. It's hard to see beyond the spotlight into the darkened gym, but I get the impression we're not alone.

(Times a thousand!)

Suddenly, the announcer's voice starts making sense to me. "...hear it for the current points leader in the Permanent Tournament,
Judd Ramsey
!"

At that instant, the illusion of being alone in a vast, empty room goes up in smoke. The gym fills with roaring cheers, applause, and marching band music. The lights go on around us, and I see the stands are filled to overflowing.

But here's the crazy part.

(You knew there had to be one, didn't you??)

It looks to me like the people in the stands are all different. Not different in a normal way, like their builds and hair and clothes are different. I'm talkin'
dramatically
different.

I see someone with a giraffe head next to someone with paisley skin and six eyes; a girl with snakes for hair next to a boy made of gum drops. There's a kid with three heads, another blazing with blue fire, and a girl with gills in a bubble helmet filled with water.

The stands are packed with all manner of kids--plant kids, animal kids, rock kids, liquid kids. Alien kids with tentacles and antennae. Algae kids, metallic kids, origami kids...impossible kids without recognizable physical forms. Kids who look like nothing I've ever seen or even imagined before.

It's amazing. The stands are surging with what looks like an infinite variety of kids, all clapping...

(...or flapping their tentacles or twitching their cilia or flexing their pseudopods, etc...)

...and shouting...

(...or mooing or belching or booming or hooting or chittering...)

...and stomping...

(...or melting or spinning or popping or floating or disemboweling...)

...in one vast panoply of color and motion and sound...

(...and smell!)

...and
difference
. But that's not even the
craziest
part of it! Yes, it gets even more amazing!

Because the scene isn't
static
. It's in a constant state of crazy
evolution
.

As I watch, the wild diversity of kids changes shape, constantly morphing into new and ever more bizarre forms. Horse-boy becomes lettuce-face becomes dust cloud becomes bubble-cluster. See-through girl becomes giant snowflake becomes lava lamp becomes platypus. Pink pterodactyl becomes velveteen mummy; armor-plated rabbit becomes playing card one-eyed Jack. A lobster striped like a tiger catches my eye, only to change into a giant lump of coal with silver spines and burning red eyes.

And the changes never stop. Each person is like an ever-blooming popcorn kernel, budding and then budding anew and then budding again and again...one form after another after another, springing to life cheek by jowl by pincer by cartoon mouse glove.

Judd changes too, finally, morphing from big rolling sphere to his natural form...in a white jumpsuit, for some reason.

As soon as he finds himself standing on two feet again, he wastes no time getting into the spirit of things, waving and grinning at the crowd. People...

(...creatures, gases, fungi, amoeba...)

...throw down red roses, and he gathers them up as he walks the gym's perimeter. Then, because he's committed to acting insane, he shoves rosebuds in his mouth and gobbles the crimson petals while laughing like a cartoon woodpecker. "Woo hoo hoo
hoo
hoo! Woo hoo hoo
hoo
hoo!"

(It
is
an
act
, isn't it?)

Just then, the announcer's voice blares through the cavernous gym.

(Which I'm guessing is at least five times bigger than the gym back home.)

"Time now to introduce our other top seeds!" The announcer hums some dramatic music, like something out of a boxing movie. "Let's hear it for our second highest-ranking player,
Wayne Leary
!"

Judd stops on one side of the gym and stands on a big white X painted on the floor. He looks up just as Wayne floats down from the ceiling wearing a black jumpsuit, carried by a parachute with a huge yellow smiley face on it. He touches down in the middle of the floor and shoots his arms in the air dramatically, beaming at the crowd.

(Now
that's
an entrance!)

The crowd makes a huge commotion in favor of Wayne as he unhooks his 'chute and trots around the gym. Good old Wayne, though, he still shoots a fist bump at Judd when he passes by, so no hard feelings.

A few laps around the floor, and the announcer's voice echoes again. "And now, the third of our champions!" Again, he hums a few bars of the boxing movie theme.

(Duh
dum
duh-duh-duh duh-duh
dum
duh-duh-duh...)

"Here she is! With our third highest score!
Kaela
Sheridan
!"

Wayne stops on the opposite side of the gym from Judd and stands on the big white X there. They both watch as a beam of glittering golden light punches down from above, meeting the exact center of the gym floor. The light flickers and dances like a shower of gold coins, and then it coalesces into a female form.

As the figure in the beam becomes more solid, I glimpse the familiar outline of Kaela's curves. One last flicker of gold, and the beam disappears, leaving Kaela posing with hands planted on her hips. She's wearing a silver jumpsuit, and her flaming red hair ripples like palm fronds in a stiff wind.

(Where exactly is she getting the wind to make her hair flutter perfectly like that??)

The ever-changing crowd roars its approval, and Kaela waves back. As she takes her laps, twice as many roses cascade around her as the crowd threw for Judd.

When she gets to Judd, she stops and grabs him by the shoulders. "Good luck, baby," she says with a sultry smile, and then she pulls him close. Before he can get a word in, she plants a long, slow kiss on his lips, lingering as the crowd howls encouragement.

And then she's gone, trotting around to the far end of the gym. She stops and stands on the big X there, waving and blowing kisses to the crowd.

Again, the announcer's voice fills the gym. "Last but not least, give it up for the fourth seed,
Eva Brand
!"

Doors fly open around the gym, and a mob of girls with long blonde hair charge through them, dressed in red jumpsuits. Dozens of girls swarm in, identical in every way--dozens of copies of Eva Brand.

Make that
hundreds
. They fan out across the gym floor, smiling and waving, all looking equally hot and ready for battle. The crowd applauds wildly and throws underwear.

(At least I
think
that's what they're throwing!)

A trio of Evas converges on Judd, all wrapping their arms around him at once. "Hey there, prom date!" They all say it at the same time. "Can't wait to see your tux!"

Judd keeps the crazy coming. "Who said anything about a
tux
? I'm wearing a
gown
!" Then he gives each of the three Evas a big smooch on the lips.

After which, they all disappear. Every Eva in the place disappears, in fact, except for one solitary Eva left standing at the end of the gym opposite Kaela.

"Woo-hoooo!" The announcer's voice is back. "Let's all keep it real for the four
finalists
in the
Permanent Tournament
!" The crowd roars in response. "Which of these four superstars will take home the
Living Cup
? Who will it be?"

Everyone in the gym chants in unison. "The one who
rocks
the most!"

"You're about to find out who that is, and
fast
!" says the announcer. "Because this is the
final round
, and you know what
that
means!"

Everyone in the audience shouts...

(...shrieks, burbles, squawks, squeals, trumpets, whistles, buzzes, titters, whines, howls, twangs...)

...at once, their chorus of strange and wondrous voices joined together to project two words into the vast, vaulted chamber: "
Speed round
!"

"That's right!" says the announcer. "Let 'er
riiiiiiip
!"

"Let 'er
riiiiiiip
!" The audience says it exactly the same way...

(...at least those that
can
, while the rest make whatever oddball sounds their freakish physiology allows.)

...and then they all make sounds like revving racecar engines, "
Vrooom vroom vrooooom
."

So the rubber's about to meet the road. The pressure's on, Judd's chance at the cup is impending...so what does he do?

He runs out, throws himself down on his back in the middle of the floor, and flaps his arms and legs back and forth like he's making snow angels. Without snow.

As I ride his right hand, as always, I wonder how this is going to go. Will his crazy act pay off in a big win and a ticket home? Or will the act become the reality?

I guess I'm about to find out.

*****