A Pinstriped Finger's My Only Friend (24 page)

And who knows if we'll ever truly get away from it again. This is my fear: that the craziness that let Judd win the tournament runs deeper than it should. That a door has been opened inside him, and it won't be easily shut.

That even if we make it home, he'll never be the same again.

*****

When that first flush of victory subsides, Judd gets cleaned up. A kid with the head of an elephant sprays him down with his trunk, and a fluffy white human towel dries him off. It's not as deep-down cleansing as a full-blown shower, but the worst of the slop washes off before the presentation ceremony.

Two cheerleader types...

(...one with brown hair and three breasts, one with bunny ears and green and purple striped fur...)

...take him by the elbows and lead him to the center of the floor. The lights go out all at once, except for a single spot trained on Judd and his escorts.

The announcer sings his own version of a trumpet fanfare. "Doo doo-doo doo doo-doo
doo
doo-doo doo doo-doo
doo
!" The band plays a discombobulated accompaniment that sounds like every part of a truck breaking down at once. "And now, it's time for our
champion
to receive his just
reward
!"

The audience roars and snaps photos with their phones. Judd beams at them, continuing to bask in the waves of their focused adoration.

"Ladies and gentlemen," says the announcer, "join me in welcoming the
principal
and
lord commissioner
of the Permanent Tournament,
Aquinas Glossolalia
!"

As more applause erupts, a bizarre figure flies toward us from the shadows beyond the spotlight. I glimpse a long, sinuous body and huge wings, flapping slowly.

The thing swoops toward us with a sudden burst of speed, then circles, looping around and around. In the light from the edge of the spot, I see it's a giant, winged snake. The feathers of its wings and the crest around its throat are as colorful as the rainbow scales that line its rippling body.

(If I didn't know any better, I'd say the Aztec serpent god Quetzalcoatl is in the hiz-ouse.)

"Greetingssss." Glossolalia's hissing voice carries over the P.A. system and echoes through the gym. "Congratulationssss, young champion." He turns his face to us as he circles, huge fangs gleaming in the spotlight's edge. "Not only have you won this tournament, but you have set a new record for all-time highest score!"

The crowd sends out a deafening blast. The band whips up a flurry of semi-dramatic instrument tuning. More balloons and streamers cascade from above.

"Now then," says Glossolalia when the ruckus calms. "Are you prepared to accccept your prize, and all the powersss, resssponsssibilitiessss, and consssequencesss that come with it?"

His words set off my personal red alert, and I jerk to attention. Instantly, a bad feeling sweeps through me.

"Judd!" I haven't said a word for a while, but it's time to break my silence. I'm so full of foreboding, I think I'm about to blow to pieces. "Don't accept!
Don't do it
!"

But the dude. He tunes me out.

"I do." He says it loud and proud, with loads of conviction. The crowd rewards him with another round of cheers and commotion.

"Then ssso shall it be." Glossolalia stops circling and rears up. Wings beating, he twitches his tail, unleashing a rattle as rhythmic and loud as twenty mariachis shaking bucket-sized maracas.

A second spotlight flares to life, following a tiny red car as it serpentines across the gym floor at a high rate of speed. The car is driven by a guy in a puffy pink pinafore dress; he has a red fez hat for a head, and ten fingers on each hand.

The car zips over and screeches to a halt in front of Judd. With a warbling sound like a recording of a human voice played back super-fast, the fez-head hits a button on the steering wheel. The hood of the car pops open, and something flies out, launched from a spring-loaded platform.

Instinctively, Judd catches the object. As it lands in his hands, I see what it is:

A big plastic soda cup identical to the one T. Zara kept slurping out of. For all I know, it's the exact same cup.

(Minus the mercury.)

(What the blazin' bird crap??)

"You hold in your handsss the fabled
Living Cup
!" Glossolalia says dramatically. "Thisss, then, isss the mossst coveted trophy ever presssented within thessse hallowed hallsss. You, Judd Ramsssey, are the latessst noble persssonage to claim thisss ssstoried treasure for your own!"

Judd turns the cup over in his hands and nods grimly. I think, at first, that he's taking it very seriously, leaving out the crazy. But then he puts the cup over his nose, clamps down on the rim with his upper teeth, and turns his head back and forth with it stuck there like a giant pig snout. His escorts both giggle, and laughter ripples through the crowd.

"There can be no greater honor," says Glossolalia. "You shall henccceforth be revered among the ranksss of peerlessss heroesss, forever and ever after your gloriousss death." Glossolalia shakes his rattle-tail. "Which will surely come before thisss day isss done."

(Homina homina
wha-?
)

Judd's in the process of sticking the cup on his head when Glossolalia's last words sink in. I'll bet he's thinking the same thing I am...

("Did I just
hear
what I
thought
I heard?")

...because he lowers the cup and frowns. "Excuse me?"

Glossolalia flaps his wings and slithers closer. "Yesss?"

(Ol' wing-snake's starting to look scarier, if you ask me.)

Judd lowers his voice. "What was that about my death? You didn't say it would surely come before this day is done, did you?"

Glossolalia's feathered crest flutters as he nods his head. "Why, yesss, I did."

Judd hesitates. Sweat breaks out in the palms of his hands. He's starting to get the picture.

We both are.

"Huh." Judd nods. "Y'know, this is the first I've heard about it." He clears his throat. "How exactly is it supposed to work?"

"Sssimple." Glossolalia smiles. "You run. We follow."

"'We'?" says Judd.

"All of usss." Glossolalia looks around, taking in the vast crowd in the stands. "Everyone."

Judd nods. He looks calm, but I feel him starting to shake. It's a good thing, in a way; at least I know the crazy hasn't gone so deep, he doesn't know he should worry.

"And then?" says Judd.

"We catch you," says Glossolalia. "And we kill you."

"O-kay." Judd tries to unhook his arms from the grip of his female escorts, but they won't let go. "And would you mind telling me
why
you want to kill me?"

"Kill and
eat
you, actually." Glossolalia goes back to circling the spotlight's perimeter. "Devouring the champion makes usss all ssstronger." Pausing in flight, he cocks his head to one side. "Or isss it that we jussst hate winnersss? I forget." Forked tongue flickering, he resumes circling. "Doesssn't matter. Either way, you get to die knowing you're a revered and undefeated champion." He chuckles. "And
deliciou
ss
s
."

Suddenly, the lights go up in the gym. And I find myself wishing they hadn't.

The first thing I notice as I look around is that the crowd is on its feet--but not for a standing ovation. Everyone stands and watches us silently, wide eyes peering down expectantly. Clearly, their moods have changed.

So have their bodies. While we were in the spotlight and the stands were shrouded in shadows, everybody in the joint underwent one more wave of physical alteration. Frankly, it's a wave I could have done without.

Before, there was a stunning variety of forms in the crowd, shifting to new and equally outlandish shapes from minute to minute. Now, the constant morphing seems to have stopped. The popcorn effect, with numerous people changing throughout the crowd at any given time, is no more.

In its place, I see a horde of monsters.

(
Literally
.)

The audience has become a mix of ghoulish creatures straight out of a scary movie. There are pale, fanged vampires, fur-covered werewolves, horned demons. Decaying, slack-jawed zombies slouch alongside towering, block-headed Frankenstein's monster types. I see harpies, hags, mummies, black-scaled lagoon creatures, goblins, and ski-masked murderers with machetes in hand. Then there are the monsters I don't recognize, all claws and teeth and cat's-eyes, or insect mandibles and pincers, or protoplasmic blobs and hundreds of gnashing mouths. Taken together, they form a terrifying picture.

As far as I can see, there isn't a non-monstrosity in sight. The harmless, colorful variety that filled the stands earlier has transformed into a nightmare. The room is thick with monsters, and every last one of them is staring at us in ominous silence.

I don't wait a moment more to cry out to the dude. "
Run
!
Hurry
!
Get going
!"

Judd strains in the grip of his escorts, but they hold fast. He's going to have to try harder than that.

"I said
go
!" I jab his palm with all my strength, trying to spur him to action. "Go
now
!"

But he seems to think he can talk his way out of this. "Is this a joke? Because it's pretty hilarious, if it is."

Glossolalia laughs deep in his throat. "No joke. This isss our greatessst tradition."

"I see." Judd nods, then smiles sheepishly. "Maybe you could make an exception this time. Cut me some slack, y'know?"

Glossolalia swoops in so close, his snout is inches from Judd's nose. "You'll get a head ssstart, but that'sss it. Of courssse, you're only prolonging the sssuffering if you ussse it. Many championsss ssstay behind and sssimply await the inevitable."

Judd swallows hard. "How much of a head start?"

"How much?" Glossolalia slides along the side of Judd's head and whispers in his right ear. "Three minutesss."

"Why don't we make it three
hours
?" says Judd. "Better yet, why not..."

This time, Glossolalia lunges away and screams the words. "
Three minutesss
." The audience reacts by chanting what he just said. "
Three minutesss
, and we will ssstart after you in all our
hellish numbersss
."

"Dude!" I jab Judd's palm again, harder than before...so hard, I stove myself a little. "Get moving!"

"But wait!" says Judd. "I thought the Permanent Tournament was all about staying the same! I thought the prize was no more changing!"

"Exactly!" says Glossolalia. "You will ssstay the sssame
forever
in
death
."

The crowd laughs...

(...cackles, snickers, grunts, chortles, growls, groans, burbles, snorts, drools...)

...and shifts restlessly. I think the anticipation is getting to them.

(The anticipation of the kill.)

Again, Judd strains against his escorts. "But..."

"Three minutesss!" Glossolalia beats his wings as he makes one last, quick loop around Judd, then shoots straight up toward the ceiling in a flurry of multicolored feathers. "Ssstarting
now
!"

"
Go, Judd! Go!!
" I couldn't possibly scream any louder.

(Wonder if little Miss Finga is even making an effort over there on the other hand?)

Judd strains against his escorts, and this time they giggle and let him go. He runs for the doors without looking back, runs as fast as I've ever seen him run.

While all around him, the horror movie hordes wail and screech, howling their lungs out as they dance in barely restrained anticipation.

"
Two and a half minutes
!" shrieks Glossolalia from the rafters.

Judd runs faster, plowing through the doors into the hall. His body's soaked with sweat. If he had a heart, it would be pounding like a jackhammer right now.

The hunt is on.

*****

Judd charges through the high school halls, arms and legs pumping like pistons. He doesn't waste his breath on talking to me, and I don't blame him. He's in the race of his life now, the race
for
his life.

The ruckus in the gym rumbles behind us, muffled by distance and doors. Our precious head start must not have run out yet...though I know there can't be much of it left.

Just as I think that thought, the crowd noise explodes, no longer muffled.
Time's up.
The gym doors have opened, and the army of monsters has started the chase.

(Oh my God oh my God oh my God...)

Judd hasn't wasted his lead, though. No sooner do we hear the monsters burst free, than he blows through the front doors of the building. At least we've made it outside.

But what now?? We're no longer trapped in a confined space with a thousand ravenous creatures. We're in the open, where the thousand creatures are about to emerge in hot pursuit. It's dark out...

(...don't ask me how!...)

...with a big full moon in a murky black sky, perfect conditions for creatures of the night. Any second now, we'll become moving targets with nowhere to hide.

(
Dead meat
.)

Judd keeps running down the sidewalk and into the parking lot, sprinting as fast as he can. What else can he do?

We're halfway across when the blast of crowd noise hits us--the screeching, whooping, chattering roar of the monsters bursting out of the school. It won't be long now.

They're catching up.

"What do I
do
?" Judd's voice comes in gasps. "Where do I
go
?"

This time, it's
my
turn not to answer
him
, not because I'm holding back or proving a point, but because I've got nothing.

Nothing
.

I hear the howls of werewolves hurtling closer, and I wish we'd never come here. I wish Judd had never channeled his inner crazy-man and won the damned Living Cup. I wish I'd stayed in that blue-sky world where I was utterly free and flying, a solo fingernaut soaring out into the staggering beauty of the universe.

But that's not the hand I was dealt.

(Again with the finger humor, right?)

(What can I say? Stress brings it out in me.)

My life was destined to be full of nasty surprises...like the huge bat that suddenly swoops down, diving low over Judd's head. Judd ducks just in time, and the bat flaps off ahead of us, then changes into human form and drops to the pavement.

Vampire
. He's a lanky teenage bloodsucker with a shock of chestnut brown hair. He dashes toward us, grinning so we see his bright white fangs.

Judd veers left, away from the vampire--right into the path of another attacker. This time, it's a snarling werewolf hurtling our way on all fours.

(Holy spit!)

Judd swerves and bolts along a new course, an open lane between rows of cars. He runs hard, I've gotta give him that, he ain't giving up--even though he's gotta know the direction things are heading. It's all too clear at this point.

They're heading
south
, and fast.

We're halfway down the lane when one of the cars flies up in front of us, flipping end over end. It comes down on its roof with a crash, spraying glass from crushed windows and setting off the horn. The way is blocked.

As Judd backpedals and turns around, a Frankenstein's monster stomps out of the space where the flipped car once sat. The gray-skinned behemoth did the flipping; he throws away a chrome bumper that came loose in his hands.

And then he marches toward Judd. He's faster than he looks; his long strides carry him quickly over the pavement.

We double back the way we came, but that route closes, too. The vampire and werewolf stalk in from either side, hemming us in.

Judd stops in his tracks. He looks around, then runs left, slipping between parked cars.

At first, there's no one on the other side. Judd zips into another open lane, looking one way and then the other on the run. That's when we see the teen magician drop down from the sky nearby. He has short, dark hair, thick-rimmed glasses, and a twinkling magic wand in hand, pointing in our direction.

"Alacadabra!" When the kid waves the wand, the pavement before us erupts into a great, hulking creature of black tar and gravel. "Piscataway connubius!" Laughing wickedly, he waves the wand again, trailing glitter from the tip. "Ishkabibble!"

Judd's already running the other way, but we can feel the ground shaking as the pavement beast stomps after us. Its footsteps start slow and quickly pick up the pace.

Before we get far, another car flips over in our path, and the Frankenstein monster lurches out after it. Judd ducks between cars, but the werewolf leaps in front of us, cutting off the escape route.

Judd clambers up on the hood of the closest vehicle, then leaps to the next one in line. He runs down the row, springing from one hood to the next, eluding the Frankenstein monster and pavement beast as they crash after him.

He gives them a run for their money, that's for sure. All that basketball practice really pays off. Too bad it's all for nothing.

Because the fact is, it's only a matter of time. There are just too many of them, and they're just too powerful. Sooner or later, they will get us.

And then we'll know what it feels like to be dinner.

As Judd runs out of cars and leaps to the ground, a white-winged angel...

(...with long, blond hair and a flaming sword!...)

...swoops down and lands ahead of us. The angel hauls back the sword, and Judd darts around him, ducking just in time to avoid the slashing strike.

(Though I smell some
burning
hair
, I know I do.)

Suddenly, there's a burst of smoke, and a cackling teenage girl in a sexy witch costume appears before us. She wriggles both hands overhead, and beams of crackling golden energy lance from all ten fingers, punching toward us.

Judd scrambles out of the way just in time. The beams barely miss. When they hit a car behind us, a ball of flame explodes inside it, blowing off the doors.

Judd whips around and finds himself facing a snarling black wolf. Before he can take off, the animal shifts shape, turning into another vampire--a red-headed boy this time. He drops his jaw open and hisses between his gleaming fangs, then leaps at us.

"I'll get him!" I shout, and Judd does what I need him to do--swings his arms up to block the incoming vamp. As he does it, I stick myself out straight and stiffen, aiming for my all-time favorite target: the eyes.

(Killdigit to the rescue!!)

I hit the left one dead on; the vampire's momentum does the rest. My nail penetrates the eyeball, and I sink into the vitreous liquid within. Screaming in pain, the vamp dives back, clutching at its face.

(What'd I
say
about not messing with
Oogachucka
??)

Judd spins, ready to run in a different direction--but there's nowhere to go. Menaces emerge from between parked cars, drop down from above, materialize out of thin air. Suddenly, we're surrounded by werewolves, demons, vampires, zombies, giant bugs, goblins, slashers, Frankenstein's monster, and the pavement beast. The moonlit sky swirls with vampire bats, dragons, angels, harpies, witches on broomsticks, and Glossolalia the Quetzalcoatl; even if we could fly, we couldn't escape upward.

Trapped
.

A chill rushes through me as I realize the game's over. We've reached the last change, the ultimate transformation: from life into death.

"This is it." I slump against Judd's palm. "End of the road, dude."

"Maybe if I act totally crazy, it'll thrown them," Judd says softly. "Maybe they'll back off."

"I think we're past that," I tell him. "What does Finga say?"

"I think she's gone." Judd holds up his left hand, and I see the pinky is no longer green with red pinstripes. "I haven't heard from her since I won the tournament."

(The forces of darkness are closing in around me, I'm about to die...but still, I think to myself "
Good riddance
." We're better off without her, even this late in the game.)

"She wanted you dead," I tell Judd. "Maybe she figured her work is done."

"Maybe." Judd shivers as he looks around at the army of monsters. They're advancing slowly, implacably, from all sides. "So this is it."

I stand up straight. Let's do this right. "Well, it's been nice knowing you, dude. If I had to be attached to someone my whole life, I'm glad it was you."

"Same here, Pinkerton," says Judd.

How many times do I have to
tell
this guy? "It's
Killdigit
. Or
Oogachucka
."

"Whatever." Judd manages a little smirk. "If not for you, I would've lost my mind in all this craziness...a lot sooner, anyway."

"Thanks." I try to ignore the monsters closing in around us. I try not to think about what's going to happen any minute now. I promise myself one thing: Killdigit will go down fighting. "At least the crazy changes will finally end."

"Thank God." Judd's shivering. Sweat's running all over him. He doesn't want to die any more than I do. "I've had enough of
that
crap, let me tell you."

"Join the club." I know my voice is trembling, but I can't help it. The creatures are less than two feet away and pressing closer, snarling. I can feel their hot, rank breath from here. "If I had to go through one more sudden change, I think I'd--"

Then it happens. The creatures surge forward as one, all reaching for us at once. And then...

And then, there is a flash of light.

And Judd and I are gone.

*****