A Place of His Own (13 page)

He hesitated, then nodded.

“Her twin sister drowned in a skating accident.” Amanda shook her head. “Such a tragedy. Rebecca had a hard time dealing with it, not that anyone could blame her. She's found happiness with Ben, though.”

“I can see that.”

“They're getting married in a few weeks.” She nodded toward another couple just arriving. “Leah and Aaron Lantz are here too. Leah Lantz was formerly Leah Petersheim. They married last year.”

“I don't know them very well,” he said.

“You'd like Aaron; he's a great guy.”

Josiah didn't say anything for a moment. Then he looked at her. “I have to admit, I'm surprised you're not married yet.”

“I could say the same thing for you.”

He looked out the window again. “I don't plan on getting married.”

Amanda did a double take. Choosing to remain single was almost unheard of among the Amish. She started to ask him why, when his aunt bustled into the kitchen.

“I know I put the extra napkins somewhere,” she mumbled, tapping her chin with her index finger. Then she glanced in the direction of the window, and a wide grin appeared on her face. “Josiah!” She went to him, squeezing between the chairs around the table and the wall. “I had no idea you were here! When did you arrive?”

“Just a few minutes ago,
Aenti
. Amanda dropped off a dessert.”

Vera looked at Amanda and smiled. “
Danki
. I hope you found room for it.”

“I did. Everything looks wonderful.”

“It's nothing,” Vera said, batting away the compliment with her hand. “I just hope everyone has a
gut
time.” She looked at Josiah and smiled. “Especially you.”

Without replying, Josiah averted his gaze.

Apparently not noticing her nephew's reticence, Vera said, “Now, you two
geh
outside and have fun. They're starting up another volleyball game. You used to love to play, Josiah.” She moved toward them and made shooing gestures with her hands. “Get out there before the game starts.”

Amanda hid a smile as she and Josiah left the house and entered the backyard. Fragrant smoke drifted from the gas grill, scenting the air and making her mouth water. The Yoders had a large concrete patio, and several young people were sitting in plastic chairs, talking and watching their friends playing horseshoes and choosing teams for the volleyball game. She and Josiah stood on the perimeter, still unnoticed by everyone else. She turned to him. “Do you want to play?”

“
Nee
, not today.”

“Oh, come on, Josiah,” Amanda said. She enjoyed volleyball and remembered what a great player he'd been. Without thinking, she reached out and grabbed his hand. “It'll be fun.”

Chapter Eleven

JOSIAH STARED AT HER SMALL HAND IN HIS LARGE ONE. Warmth traveled from his palm throughout his entire body as he reveled in Amanda's touch. The way she had grabbed his hand had been so smooth, so natural, he doubted she had thought twice about it, or that she had any idea how her touch affected him.

“I'm not taking no for an answer,” she said, tugging on his hand. “Your
aenti
told you to have fun, and I'm going to make sure you do.” She smiled at him, her cheeks rosy from the cool air, the ribbons from her prayer
kapp
fluttering around her shoulders.

Those ribbons weren't the only thing fluttering. Despite his efforts, he couldn't calm his heart rate.

Several girls and guys on the patio turned and looked at them, and he realized he either had to follow her to the volleyball net or risk making a scene. Taking off his coat, he took a few steps forward. “All right, you've convinced me. Or should I say you didn't give me much of a choice.”

“Either one works for me.” She grinned and released her grasp.

His hand had never felt so empty.

The underlying anxiety he'd felt since leaving his house threatened to surface as he approached the group of people near the volleyball net. He had spoken the truth to Amanda: he didn't know very many of them. Then his gaze landed on Ben Weaver, and he felt a little relief at seeing another friendly face.

“I see my cousin has decided to join us.” Peter suddenly appeared and stood beside a pretty young
maedel
Josiah didn't recognize.

So much for relief.

“You all remember Josiah, don't you?”

A couple of people nodded, although Josiah wasn't sure who they were. Then he saw Ben tossing the volleyball up and down. Ben gave him a wide grin. “Hey, Josiah. Heard you were back in town. Glad you could make it.”

Josiah nodded. He and Ben hadn't known each other all that well; Ben was a couple of years younger. But he'd always been friendly, and Josiah was glad to see that hadn't changed.

“We just finished picking teams,” Peter said in an even tone, but Josiah could see a tiny spark of resentment in his cousin's eyes. “Since I'm one of the captains, I choose Amanda.”

“We'll have Josiah,” Ben said.

The teams assembled, and soon they started playing. Before long Josiah had shed any self-consciousness and immersed himself in the game. He hadn't played in a long time, but soon he fell into a comfortable rhythm and scored a couple of points.

At game point, it was his turn to serve. He tossed the ball in the air and executed a perfect serve—directly at Amanda.

“Mine!” she yelled, extending her arms and clasping her hands together in position to bump the ball either over the net or to one of the players on her team. Josiah watched her, hoping she would make a clean hit.

She missed the ball.

Josiah's team hollered and celebrated their victory, and a couple of the guys clapped him on the back. He accepted their congratulations and walked toward Amanda to tell her good game, but paused as he saw Peter moving to stand next to her.

“How could you have missed that?” His tone wasn't overly loud, but loud enough for Josiah to hear him.

Amanda, to her credit, didn't cower. “It was a
gut
serve. I misjudged it.”

Josiah ducked under the net and went to Amanda. “Is there a problem here?”

“
Nee
,” she said, looking straight at Peter, appearing a little upset.

“Food's ready!”
Onkel
John called out.

Peter walked away without another comment, but Josiah's anger continued to simmer. He wanted nothing more than to grab his cousin and knock some manners into him. But that wasn't the Amish way, and even if he were still living an
Englisch
life, he wouldn't have done anything to embarrass his aunt and uncle. He clenched his jaw, took a deep breath, then looked at Amanda, grateful everyone else had abandoned the volleyball court in favor of eating. “Sorry about that.”

“You shouldn't apologize for your cousin's bad behavior.” Glancing at Peter again, she added, “Maybe one day he'll grow up.”

“We can hope.”

Amanda turned and faced him, a smile on her face. “You haven't lost your touch at volleyball, I see.”

“And you're still a graceful loser.” He took a step closer to her, her gorgeous smile drawing him in. She had an adorable dimple in her left cheek. He had to fight the urge to bend down and kiss it.

“What?” She brought her hand to the dimple. “Is there something on my face?” She wiped at her cheek. “I wouldn't be surprised if it's grass or something.”

He reached out and touched her hand, stilling her movements. “
Nee
,” he said, bringing his hand up to touch her dimple with his thumb. “You're perfect.”

“You're perfect.”

But it wasn't just the words that had made her emotions dance. His gentleness as he touched her hand and her face, the warmth in his eyes as he spoke—all those things made her dizzy with delight. Whether he meant to or not, Josiah had allowed her a glimpse into his heart.

She gazed straight ahead, taking in the beauty before her. Long narrow clouds streaked the pastel evening sky, as if God had skipped a paintbrush across the heavens. The sun had hidden behind the horizon a short while ago, leaving behind remnants of lavender, peach, and pink. The sharp clip-clop of Tater's shoes sounded against the pavement. There weren't many cars on the road to disturb the peaceful scene. The night was perfect.

“You're perfect.”

She looked at Josiah's profile. His expression remained impassive, as usual. But she couldn't get the image of the way he looked at her out of her mind. Her body suddenly went hot, then cold as realization dawned. She shivered, hugging her arms around her body, despite the relative warmth of the evening.

It's Josiah, isn't it, Lord? He's the one You've set apart for me.

Perhaps she had always known, even when they were younger. That had to be the reason she'd been devastated by his leaving, and why his rejection upon his return had hurt so much. There had always been that hollow part inside her heart. Now she knew why she had never married, why no man had ever piqued her interest. Only one man held her heart, one man she loved completely, and one she suspected loved her in return.

Now if only she could figure out why he held those feelings back.

She waited for him to say something. Normally she would pepper him with questions and demand answers, but she had learned that method only pushed him further away.
Lord, what should I do?

A short while later Josiah guided the buggy onto their dirt road. Their houses came into view, and he still hadn't said anything to her. When he reached his driveway, he hesitated, clearly unsure whether to turn in or take her to her house.

“I can walk from your barn,” she said, deciding for him.

He nodded and turned the buggy, making his way up the driveway.

Her frustration climbed as he yanked on the reins, signaling Tater to stop. “Josiah, you haven't said one word to me since we left. Is something wrong?”

“
Nee
.” He shrugged, then moved to get out of the buggy.

“I hate when you do that!” She knew she sounded as immature as Peter, but she couldn't help it. She was tired of Josiah being cold toward her one minute and hot the next.

“Do what?” He turned and looked at her.

At least she'd gotten his attention. “Shut me out. Don't you think we should at least talk about what happened tonight? And don't act like you don't know what I'm referring to.”

He let out a long sigh. “I know what you mean. And I definitely don't want to talk about it.”

She put her hand on his arm, her fingertips resting lightly on the bare skin of his forearm. The muscles twitched underneath her touch, spurring her courage. “Josiah, there's something going on between us. I feel it. I know you feel it.”

“Amanda,” he said, pain streaking his tone.

“Why are you running away?”

“Because that's how it has to be.” His gaze bored into her, filled with intensity. “What I said to you tonight . . . it was a mistake.”

He couldn't have hurt her more if he had tried. “A mistake?”

“
Ya
. I didn't mean it the way you thought I did.”

“And how was that, exactly? Have you suddenly become a mind reader?”

“You've always been easy to read, Amanda. Look, I didn't mean to lead you on. I might have said . . . something . . . to make you think I had feelings for you. But it was only out of friendship.” He gave her a half smile. “We used to say goofy stuff to each other all the time, remember?”

She moved to withdraw her hand from his arm, her feelings stinging from his admission. But then she searched his face, met his eyes. “You're lying,” she said softly, more confused than ever. “You've never lied to me before, Josiah Bontrager. Don't think you can start now.”

He moved his arm from beneath her hand. “I've got to put Tater up.” He turned his back to her and jumped out of the buggy.

Amanda clamped her lips together. He wasn't getting off this easily. “Josiah,” she said as she got out of the passenger side. “You can't just walk away from this. From us.”

He unhitched Tater from the buggy and started to lead her to the barn. “There is no us, Amanda.”

She followed him. “There has always been an us, Josiah.” She paused, waiting for him to lead Tater to her stall. When he latched the door shut, she continued. “We were inseparable as kids.”

“We were friends,” he said, his palm lying flat against the stall door.

“
Ya
, that we were. But when you left . . .” She took a deep breath, her body shaking with emotion. “You took a part of me with you.”

He didn't say anything, only leaned his forehead on the stall door, his hat tilting back on his head.

The light continued to fade in the barn, and she had difficulty seeing his face. She moved closer, until only inches separated them. “You're still holding that part of me, Josiah. I don't know if you even realize it.”

He drew in a sharp breath and stepped away from her. “Mandy,” he whispered, his voice thick. “Don't . . . don't do this.”

“Do what? Be honest with you? Tell you how I feel?” She had exposed her feelings this far, she might as well lay bare her soul. “Tell you I love you?”

Clamping both hands on his head, he exclaimed, “Don't say that!”

“I'm not like you, Josiah. I can't turn feelings off and on whenever it suits me.”

He dropped his hands. “Is that what you think I'm doing?”

“That's exactly what you're doing. And I don't understand why.”

“You want some understanding? You've got it. And when I'm finished, you'll wish you'd never known me.”

Josiah gulped for air as Amanda looked at him, love brimming in her eyes. “Nothing you could say would drive me away, Josiah. I told you that before, and I meant it.”

“That's because you don't know the facts.” He took off his hat and tossed it on the stack of hay bales nearby. Then he ran his fingers through his hair, because if he didn't do something with his hands, he'd lose his mind. Why was she pushing so hard? She said she loved him, but he didn't deserve her love. He had to make her understand that.