A Promise to my Stepbrother (12 page)

“
M
ax
?”

I hadn’t talked to Katie since she kicked me out of her apartment months before. I didn’t feel it would be right for me to call her. She had to make the first move. Not because of pride but because I owed her that space. When she was ready, I knew she would call me.

“Katie! It’s so great to hear your voice. I missed you!” I tried to be calm and let her pick the tone of the conversation, but I couldn’t really hold back my happiness.

“Max—” There was a sniffle, and I knew that she had been crying. I had been lying back on my bed, but I sat up straight as I heard the pain in her voice.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I’m all alone, Max.” There was a pause and then everything came out in a rush. “Phil didn’t care about me he just wanted me to be his art whore and now I graduate in a few weeks and I don’t know what to do no one loves me and I’m afraid that I can’t even make friends with women since I never have.” She laughed. “I guess you spoiled me for friends, Max.”

“No, Katie. You spoiled me. You have always been my best friend. Never forget that. You’re not alone. You’ll never be alone.” There was silence on the phone. “Katie?”

“I’m here. I’d just like to believe what you said. It’s just kind of hard when the guy you spent the past six months with dumps you over dinner.”

“He’s an asshole, Katie.”

She laughed. “I told him the same thing.”

“Like minds, beautiful.”

“You’ve never called me beautiful before.”

“You’ve always been the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.” I struggled how to explain my feelings to her without alienating her again. “I should have told you that more often.”

“No, you’ve always said the right thing, Max.”

“Are you okay? Do you need me to fly out and kick his ass?”

“Ha. He’s not worth the effort. He’s a fucking asshole is all. I’ll get over it.”

“I hate that you have to get over it at all. You’re too wonderful to deserve this, Katie. You’re passionate, kind, and always give your heart into everything. That someone betrayed that makes me so angry. I wish I could just be there to protect you.”

“Yeah, well I had to grow up eventually.”

“Not like this. Katie, seriously, do you need me to come out? I will.” I paused, and then added. “I’d do anything for you.” I didn’t hear anything and had a sudden fear that she had hung up on me. I tried to hide the desperation in my voice as I spoke again. “I love you, Katie.”

I heard a sob and then Katie’s voice, clear and steady. “You don’t need to come out, Max. I’ll be okay.” She quickly added, “I have to go.”

I didn’t understand. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No, Max. I’m just mad at myself. You could never say anything wrong. Goodbye.”

As the phone went dead, I whispered into it, “But I have.”

M
ax was
what I had always remembered—sensitive, understanding, loving. I guess I needed to be unloved to know how much real love meant. I found it overwhelming coming after such a painful breakup, so I said goodbye and didn't call him back. I desperately hoped he would call me, but he didn’t, and I didn’t blame him. I tossed him out of my apartment, and then I called him a weepy, needy mess.

Who would put up with that shit?

In a cruel twist of fate, Max’s and my graduations were on the same day. Mom and Dad split up, with her attending Max’s and Dad attending mine. Both of our birthdays were a month earlier, as well, so Mom and Dad planned on a huge birthday/graduation party for both of us on the weekend of the 4th of July, because—heck—it’s one more celebration to add to the mix so why the hell not?

Max was accepted into Berkeley’s competitive Marine Biology program, while I was living at home again. I found it a little embarrassing. He had his life together, while I was a stupid mess. The thing was I knew that Max would never make me feel like the loser I was.

He'd hug me and say the right words and make everything right. He was to fly in on Thursday the third and fly back out on the sixth. I couldn’t wait to see him.

He came in around midnight and looked tired. But even tired I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He looked older, more mature. His smile, always dazzling, had a hint of pain about it. His hair was growing out after swim season ended, and was just long enough that he couldn’t reasonably control it. He was still tall, still lean, and still commanded the room with a kind of understated charisma.

He was, without a doubt, the handsomest man I had ever seen.

His eyes lit up when he saw me, and he dropped his bags in a rush to meet me. “Katie!” The enthusiasm in the way he wrapped his arms around me made me almost want to cry. I squeezed him so tight I never wanted to let him go, but I pictured him with some smart and pretty grad student in California and knew that I had to move on.

He looked me up and down. “Holy cow, Katie, you’re even more gorgeous than the last time I saw you!” He turned to Mom and Dad. “You know, it’s just unfair that she gets more and more beautiful and smart every year, and I get uglier and dumber.”

I punched him in the arm. “Shut up, you nut.”

We all moved to the dining room and got caught up. I had been around long enough that Mom and Dad were more interested in Max. I was glad, as all I wanted to do was just watch him talk. He always had the softest, most beautiful lips.

“Okay, kids. It’s late, and we need to get ready for the party tomorrow. So let’s get off to bed.” I stood up and hugged our parents good night. Max and I lived in rooms that were next to each other on the ground floor, while Mom and Dad’s bedroom was upstairs.

I nodded to Max as I stood at the door to my room. “Good night, Max. It’s so great to see you.”

He stared at me for a moment, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that he had this profound sadness inside. I promised myself to ask him about it the next day. I was his friend, and I didn’t like the idea of him being in such deep pain. “Good night, Katie. You really do look great.” And with that he turned and walked into his room.

I couldn’t fall asleep. I kept thinking of Max walking in the front door. His gorgeous face. His soft lips. His strong hug. I hadn’t fantasized about Max in a long time. He was pushed aside by the overwhelming unrequited desire for Phil, and after our recent blow ups it almost seemed wrong to think of him that way.

I doubted things were much different, but I wanted them to be different. I closed my eyes, and curled up under the covers. I hoped that I would dream about Max, as I knew it would be the closest I would ever get to him.

T
he party
the next day was nice enough, but it was overwhelming in all the people that were there, offering birthday wishes and congratulations. After the hundredth “congratulations” I went over to the bar in the backyard and grabbed a glass of wine. It was early afternoon, but I needed it.

“Good thing you’re twenty-one.”

I turned to see Max standing next to me. Our paths had crossed all day, but we kept being pulled apart by friends and relatives. The most we said to each other was a comment about how the weather was at least cooperating.

“You, too,” I replied. He was also holding a glass of wine. “I have an idea,” he said, and I swore his eyes were twinkling in the sunlight.

“Oh yeah?” I sipped my drink.

“Let’s grab a bottle of wine and visit the Dome.”

I laughed. “Oh my God, do you think it’s still there?” We hadn’t been to the Dome, our childhood hideout, since we were in junior high.

“It is! I checked it out earlier.”

“Don’t be crazy. We wouldn’t even fit inside.”

Max reached over and grabbed a full bottle of wine from the bar. “What’s the matter? You scared?” It was the kind of thing that thirteen-year-old Max would have said. I was the impetuous one, but I was also the scaredy cat.

“Oh, you are so going to be embarrassed when you get all scratched up by the branches.” I grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the wooden door in the fence that led to the alley which led to the Dome.

“Do you think they’ll miss us?” I asked, glancing back to the house.

“Of course. Do you care?” Max was smiling as his long legs set a quick pace. I had to half jog to keep up.

“Not really,” I replied, laughing.

The Dome had either grown or it was way bigger than I remembered. The city did a good job with the park’s upkeep, and the bush still looked like its namesake. “You first,” I said.

Max shrugged, and got down on his hands and feet, and crawled in with the bottle of wine. There were a few snaps, and then he called out, “You coming or not?”

I followed his path in, and it was like going back in time. A rush of emotions filled me. I sat
right there
when I asked Max about his dreams, his fears, and his desires. Max was clearing out room by snapping branches and shoving them behind the main trunk. In a few minutes, we had plenty of room in our secret place.

I sat cross-legged and held out my empty glass. Max pulled a corkscrew out of his pants. “I didn’t think you’d remember that, and I was preparing to tease you mercilessly.”

“If I learned one thing in college it was to always travel with a corkscrew.”

He filled my glass, and I raised it. “True that.”

He stared at me long enough that I started to get uncomfortable. “What?”

“I’m just trying to understand how lucky I’ve been. You’re my best friend. You’re so smart and kind and fun, and you’re also this incredibly gorgeous young woman who is passionate and sexy.” His eyes went wide, and he added, “I’m sorry. That was out of line. I just wanted to tell you how lucky I am.”

“No.” I forced a smile. "I'm a loser, so keep going with the how beautiful and sexy I am. I could kind of use that right now.”

“Are you kidding? Do you own a mirror? Guys fall all over themselves to be near you!”

“More like they fall all over themselves to get away from me.”

Max frowned. “Honestly, Katie. Stop that.” He drained his glass, and then looked me right in the eye. “I don’t think there’s a smarter, more wonderful, and more beautiful woman in the world.”

“Thank you, Max, but outer beauty is one thing. I’ve fucked up so much in my life. I attract the worst guys. My only future is in graphic design, which I hate with a fiery passion, and I’m fucking living in the same room I lived in when I was thirteen.” It was my turn to drain my glass. “Yeah, big winner here.”

“Katie—”

“Don’t try to make me feel better. Look at you. You’re going off to grad school at the top marine biology school in the country, which I might add was the dream you told me about in this exact spot like eight years ago. So score one for you, the one who is actually living his dream. And, Jesus, Max—you could be a fucking Abercrombie & Fitch model. And you’re so kind and generous. I—”

Max broke in. “I don’t feel like I’ve been kind and generous.”

I shook my head. “No. I just never let you be you, Max. You were always the analytical one. You needed to be secure in anything before you dove in. I can’t begrudge you for that.” I held out my glass. Max filled it and then filled his own.

I knew what I wanted to say, but I wasn’t sure if I could. It had been burning in my heart for a long time, but it seemed dangerous, the kind of thing that could forever ruin everything. It is true that I never much worried about such risks in my life, but with Max things were different.

I took a deep gulp of wine and maybe I was getting drunk or maybe I couldn’t
not
say it, but I did. “Look at the promise you made to me, Max. You were clearly not ready for, well, you know. And you could have just said “no” to me, but you wanted to provide me with the promise of a future. I like to think it’s because you believed in that future, too. So you analyzed your feelings and did what you thought was right, but you did it in a way that made me excited about our future.”

I took another drink while Max watched me. There was an intensity in his eyes. I knew it well. He was examining the situation, holding his instincts in check while he calculated all the variables. Silly Max. I knew him better than he knew himself. “Well, it was
a
future, if not
the
future,” I added.

Max drained his cup and tossed it aside. He wasn’t smiling, and I could tell he wasn’t analyzing. Instead, he had an intensity of purpose. It was thrilling in a way. It was the look of a man who has chosen his path and nothing will get in the way of it. “Tell me the promise.” His voice was firm, intense, practically a growl.

I felt a little nervous. Was he going to hurt me again? What could he possibly gain by talking about a promise that we both had left long in the past? We stared at each other, and there was a coiled tension in the air, the release of which could never be undone. In the end, I opened myself up to a man one last time. I loved Max. I trusted him. He wouldn’t hurt me.

“If we both graduate college while being virgins, we would lose our virginity to each other.” As I spoke the words the thrill and hope and potential of the original promise seemed so beautiful and real. How could we have let it go?

“We both graduated, right?”

“Well, yeah, but I’m not sure—” Max held up his hand. It wasn’t rude so much as a plea to let him finish his thought. I shut up.

There was a pause, and Max once again peered directly into my eyes, into my soul. “I’m a virgin, Katie.” The words were ridiculous, but he spoke them with a conviction so sincere that it took my breath away. “Are you a virgin, Katie?”

His eyes pierced me, and under the lush leaves of our special place—the place that we shared from when we were twelve years old, the secret hideout of best friends—I realized that a promise based on hope doesn’t require anything more than making that hope real. “Yes. I’m a virgin, Max,” I replied, my voice a whisper of restrained passion and love.

The next thing I knew Max and I were in each other’s arms.