A red tainted Silence (66 page)

The room in which we’d walked was filled with people -- people in uniform, people who were upset, people with anger in their eyes and others whose eyes were filled with desperation. I jumped as two uniformed cops walked by, a prisoner in handcuffs and shackled feet shuffling between them.

The prisoner looked at me, straight into my eyes. I looked away. He had those eyes --

those terror-stricken, helpless eyes. I knew those eyes. Just a few short weeks ago, they would’ve mirrored mine.

I looked over my shoulder. At my escape route. I always have escape routes now. I wanted out of that place. I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to go back to Brandon and crawl into bed with him, hold him, comfort him, maybe tease him a little when the nurses weren’t looking (or even when they were) and gain comfort for myself in the process.

“May I help you?”

I startled. “What? Oh, yes,” I said, looking down at the officer. I clutched my knit hat in my hand, feeling amazingly nervous. And cold, I was so damn cold.

“I’m sorry. I’m here to see Detective Anderson.”

“Write your name down and take a seat. He’ll be with you as soon as he can.”

“Um, oh, okay,” I said, then quickly wrote down my name and, without looking much at the others waiting, hurried to an empty chair. I sat in it, touched its worn, scarred surface, and clutched my hat again, staring at my feet.

I closed my eyes, softly sang one of my older songs. Or tried to.

390

Carolyn Gray

Oh, fuck, I couldn’t remember all the words; I didn’t remember them right. All those weeks while I was in captivity I was scared to even think about my lyrics lest I accidentally start humming or singing, and I don’t know, maybe it was the food deprivation or something. I’d forgotten too many, and I needed to fix that. As soon as I could. Almost all my guys were here now. Maybe we could sit down and jam a little, help me remember --

Remember. Oh, Brandon ...

I felt a hand on me. I jumped, nearly screamed.

“Nicholas! Easy!”

“I-I --” I looked up. It was just Jeff, fuck fuck fuck. I’d nearly pissed on myself. “I’m sorry, I was just --”

Jeff bent down to look me in the eye. He grinned, but it wasn’t a funny grin. A compassionate one. “You look like a terrified little kid, waiting to see the principal. You don’t have to wait here. Come on.”

I stood. “But she said to put my name down and wait --”

“That applies to lesser mortals, not you. Come on.” He took me gently by the arm, led me through the room, past the sign-in desk. I wondered if people watching thought I was a criminal. Jeff wasn’t dressed like a cop, but he sure looked like a cop. Maybe they thought I was about to be interrogated or something, good-cop bad-cop routine, put in one of those rooms with the big two-way mirror in it with all those cops on the other side watching.

“You didn’t tell her who you were, did you?”

“I ... no.” How to explain? I’d never liked kicking my name around, even at a place like this. Not a place I wanted extra attention focused on me. That was for sure.

“Hey, you okay?” he said.

I shook my head. “I’m not sure, Jeff,” I said. Panic made my heart flutter. “I -- I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be here, I want to be anywhere but here, but I know it’ll help Brandon, so I have to be here.”

He clapped me on the shoulder, making me look up. “Let’s get you through this, and then I’ll take you to Starbucks.”

Despite the flutters in my chest, I grinned at that. Smirked at my bodyguard. “Gee, thanks, Dad.”

He laughed, then gently guided me back down the hall. I wanted to dig in my heels, turn around and run, but his grip was firm -- think he had me pretty darn well figured out.

Bastard. He pushed me gently to the side of the hallway as a cop with yet another prisoner walked past. I wouldn’t look that one in the eye. I was too scared to. Once he was gone, Jeff opened a door to a room.

“In here. Take off your coat and I’ll go get the detective.” A Red-Tainted Silence

391

When I hesitated, he squeezed my shoulder, then motioned to another detective-type guy passing by, a big, dark-headed fellow who looked like the perfect specimen for one of those cop calendars geared toward horny women -- and horny gay males. Yeah, I had one once -- Jon bought it for me. As a joke. I’d loved it. Such pretty boys, cops. A barrel-bellied officer walked by.

Some cops, I amended.

“Nicholas? You okay?”

I shook myself. “What? Sorry.”

Jeff grinned, then indicated the other man. “This is Nate. He’ll wait with you.”

“Oh! That’s not really necessary --”

Nate nodded. “I’ll wait, Mr. Kilmain.”

“But I don’t want to impose on you, Detective -- you are a detective?”

“Call me Nate. It’s not a problem.”

I gulped. Big tough cop guy, do as he says. “Um, okay, thanks.” Jeff winked. “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay, I’ll be fine.”

He left alone with Nate. Nate, Nate, very handsome Nate, very quiet, stoic, stern-looking Nate. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I took off my coat, tossed it and my hat aside, then sat in one of the chairs, pulling my feet up under me, making myself small. I wanted to call Brandon so damn bad I could hardly stand it. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to touch him, feel him next to me, soothe him, watch over him and make sure ...

make sure he didn’t remember. I didn’t want him to remember, not yet, what had happened.

Not until I could figure it out.

“Mr. Kilmain?”

“Yes?” I said, looking up. Nate sat in a chair next to me, and I hadn’t even noticed. I realized then though that he was blushing.

“I hope you won’t think of this as an imposition, but ...” Fan alert fan alert -- I was stunned. “But what?”

“Would you be willing to autograph my Dream CD?” I knew it! But I gave him my trademarked pout. “What, you only have the one?” He laughed. Nate laughing was much nicer. “My sister took my others. We’re looking forward to your new CD. She’s a huge fan. She’ll flip when I tell her I met you.”

“Babysat me, you mean. Sure, I’ll sign it. It’s always a pleasure to sign stuff, really.

Makes me feel not so forgotten.”

He looked at me then, frowning, shaking his head. “You’re not forgotten. I don’t know if anyone’s told you what it was like around here, knowing you were up in the mountains 392

Carolyn Gray

around here somewhere and we couldn’t figure out where. A media circus. Everyone celebrated when you were brought back and we learned you would make it.” I nodded, picked at the seam on my jeans. A little thread poked up. I hate that. Wished I had some scissors. Wish it really all was over, for real, but it wasn’t.

“Thanks. I was glad I made it, too.”

“You’ll have to check the sales records for Colorado. I imagine they’ll be pretty big around here. The record stores went nuts, trying to get more of your CDs. I bet the orders for the new one are huge.”

I grinned. “You do know how to make a boy feel better, don’t you?” He bowed his head. “I am yours to command.”

I squealed, laughing. “Oh, don’t tempt me into hiring you, too. For some reason Jeff sees right through my diva act.”

He chuckled at that. “He’s very perceptive.”

“Colorado produces the best cops. Darn it.” I sighed.

“And you have two of them watching over you already.” I sobered then, nodding. “I know. I know, we do. We’re very lucky to have Mutt and Jeff. We might never let them go again, you know.”

“They’re a good team. I’d hate to lose them.” He grinned. “I’m their boss.”

“No kidding? Thanks for letting them come help me and Brandon.”

“No problem. I think they would’ve quit had I refused.” The door opened, and I looked around. Katie walked in, followed by Jeff. He had a tape in his hand. The tape, I guessed.

“Nicholas?” Katie said, then hurried toward me.

I popped out of the chair with surprising agility and only a modicum of pain and hugged her. “Thanks so much for coming, Katie. I know this won’t be easy.” She hugged me tight. I kept hold of her hands. “I wish we didn’t have to do this.”

“I know.” I tugged her into the seat next to me, clasping her hand tightly. Her fingers were cold, and so small in mine. I was used to Brandon’s big, warm hands, dwarfing my own.

But now I had to be the strong one, I reminded myself. I drew in a deep breath, smiled at her, knowing it wavered. But she smiled back and looked reassured. Good. Maybe I should take up my quest to be an actor again.

Or maybe she was the one doing the acting.

Nate and Jeff were talking. Then Nate nodded and, with a single wave to me, left, closing the door behind me. I made myself a mental note to be sure and get him his own copies of all my CDs. Least I could do, he was so nice to me.

“Okay, Nicholas, this is the tape.”

A Red-Tainted Silence

393

“I guessed as much,” I said, warily eyeing it. “Where’s Detective Anderson?”

“Double-homicide, just outside of town,” Jeff said grimly. “He had to leave. I’ll be in here with you, will stop the tape any time you want me to. Okay? Either one of you, just say the word and I’ll stop. But it’s important you watch the whole thing, very carefully. Katie, if you can, figure out where the tape was playing when Brandon walked in. Since Nicholas wall-banged it, it kind of messed up and automatically rewound.” I cringed. Fuck. “I’m sorry.”

She looked at me, squeezed my hand. “Okay, I’m sure I can figure it out. I’ll try, at least.” She sucked in her breath and shuddered. “I don’t want to do this.”

“I know, I know. It’s all right, Katie,” I said softly, touching her cheek. “I know it’s going to ... going to be hard seeing him like this.”

“I’m so sorry, Nicholas. Does he have to know I saw it?” I nodded. “Yeah, I think it’s best that he does, but when we’ll tell him, I’m not sure.

Depends on what his psychiatrist thinks.”

She nodded, then smiled. “I might want to talk to that doctor myself when all is said and done.”

I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “You need to, tell me. I’ll take care of it.

Okay?”

“I just want to help him.”

“I know. Me, too.” I cleared my throat. “Okay, Jeff, go ahead.” I put my arm around Katie, held her hand with my free one. My stomach clenched and my scar screamed and my heart did, too -- I didn’t want to see this. Fuck, I didn’t want to see this.

But see it I did.

Katie gasped and I cursed as the tape started. Brandon, my beautiful Brandon, walked into a room. His eyes looked so dead, his face so worn. His shoulders slumped. In the corner the date showed.

“That was when ... when we first got together,” I said, then watched, mesmerized and horrified, as the tape continued, showing my beautiful young Brandon of so many years ago.

Nineteen, twenty -- no, nineteen.

Just after we first met, after the party at Karen’s grandfather’s house, when he was attacked and lied to me about the attack. But I knew the truth now, thanks to his story. Or at least part of the truth. There was much, much more to what he’d written. And I had much more yet to read.

There was no sound. I don’t know if I was relieved or furious -- sound may have given us more clues. But all was silent as I watched a disembodied hand point to Brandon, flick its 394

Carolyn Gray

fingers, indicating he do something -- take off his clothes. Katie gasped. I squeezed her hand, glanced at her pale face. She smiled at me bravely and we watched.

They stood in a room with blue doors. Robin-egg blue. A four-poster bed with a nubby white coverlet, a dresser with nothing but a lamp and a couple of pictures, and the camera itself, which I figured must’ve been on some sort of stand.

Brandon nodded, eyes downcast, and pulled off his shirt. Kicked off his shoes and his sweats -- “OH, FUCK!” I barked out.

The tape stopped. “Nicholas, what is it?”

I collapsed back in my chair, covering my mouth with my hand, staring at the frozen image. “Oh, Brandon. Oh, shit, no --”

“Nicholas!”

I started to shake, closed my eyes, took a deep breath. No, no, no, I couldn’t collapse now, not now. I forced the words out. “Jogging. He only wore those shoes jogging -- oh, fuck, Jeff, that’s when it happened, when he went jogging. He took it up just after we got together, when ... when ... oh, shit shit shit.” I took a deep breath, bent over, felt Katie’s reassuring hand on my back.

“What else, Nicholas?” she asked.

“I know where this is.” I looked up, still hunched over, stared at those blue doors. The same blue on that house’s front door, the one he jogged to and showed me once. “He jogged to the house with the blue door, and then he’d come home, so exhausted, and I worried and asked him to show me how far he went. I never figured it out. He showed me the house with the blue door, on the corner across from the park, and I remember thinking, How’d he get so tired, just going that far? As much as he ran back then, he could’ve gone four times that distance, should’ve, without being so wiped out. Even though he smoked back then.”

“Could you figure out where the house is now, an address?” I nodded. “Yes, yes, I have an old friend who lives on that street; her parents still do, I mean. I think it’s probably Seth Green’s house, though.”

“I’m going to start the tape again.”

“Oh. Okay.”

The tape started again. This time I watched, without interrupting, holding Katie’s hand. I couldn’t look at her now. I could feel her mortification through her fingers, her harsh breathing as we watched Brandon position himself on the bed, his butt in the air. Ready.

Waiting. Steeling himself for what was to come, deadening himself to it so he could endure what he had assigned himself to endure.

Katie was so young to be seeing this, and she adored Brandon, and I heard her cry softly as she and I watched Brandon be violated. With little grace and no consideration, no gentleness at all, his attacker thrust his cock hard into Brandon. I studied the naked body of A Red-Tainted Silence

395

the man, knowing it was Seth, glad he was dead. I hoped he’d died an anguished, painful, horrible death. He deserved no less.