A red tainted Silence (78 page)

I remembered how terrified I’d been when I’d scratched that first letter on my side.

Terrified my kidnapper would see it, terrified that Brandon wouldn’t understand what I was trying to do. Terrified that the kidnapper would stop taking pictures of me altogether. I’d been lucky in that respect. He got some sort of kick out of posing me and taking pictures, the pervert.

“Hey, Nick, hear that?” Lee said as he put four gallons of two-percent in the cart.

I nodded as the oh-so-familiar Put your hand in mind and I’ll banish the hurts of time continued to bath me in the dairy section of Durango’s finest grocer. “Why does it have to be that song?” I asked.

Lee smiled, chucking me playfully on the chin. “Coincidence, I’m sure.” God, I sound so young, I thought as I let my mind sing along with myself. So naïve, so innocent, so blithely clueless. Mind you, I love that song and always will, but I thought I had all the answers then, could solve all the problems of the world. The reality, of course, was I that was a mere infant in my knowledge of the world. So much yet to learn, though I hadn’t the brains to realize just how much.

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I thought I was so fucking smart.

I wondered what Brandon thought when he first heard those lyrics. I mean, I know what he said, that he loved them, had even messed around with the words a bit himself and helped me tweak here and there. He’d really liked that song. But ... I don’t know that he ever listened to it. Really listened to it.

I wondered why he never told me how much he was hurting by then. Maybe he’d tried; maybe I just hadn’t listened. I was good at that, especially during my posturing years, when I was trying to be everything for everyone else. Everyone else but Brandon. And, yeah, myself.

I felt Lee’s hand on my shoulder. “Hey, it’s going to be okay, all right? He fooled all of us. There was no way to realize what was really going on in that head of his. You know that.”

“If I’d just stopped for a minute, if I’d just listened and ... and ... and ...”

“Nick. Hush now.” He gathered me into a hug, and I sighed, sliding my arms around his waist and wishing it was Brandon holding me. Which, of course, Lee knew, which was why he chuckled at me when I nuzzled his neck. “Come on now, people are looking.” I pulled back, noticed a few people had stopped, or at least noticed us before going on.

Two young men in ski parkas watched us with appalled fascination, acting as if they were looking at the yogurts we’d just left, when they were really actually watching me. I stroked Lee’s face, then kissed him before looking at the boys.

“What, never seen a gay man kiss a straight man before? It’s how we convert them, you know,” I said to the red parka one. Then I leered at him. “Wanna give it a bit of a try? You might like it.”

His eyes widened, and he and his companion scuttled off, looking over their shoulders.

Lee threw his head back and laughed as he released me. “You’re mean, Nick.” I grinned maliciously at him. “When I wanna, I can be.” At least I felt better, the momentary blues chased away. For now, anyway.

A couple with a baby in a cart drew closer, the chubby infant so bundled against the cold he couldn’t move. He seemed happy, though, as he gummed a box of mac and cheese.

The young woman grinned at me. She looked up at the ceiling (the song thankfully winding up by then) and back at me, and I grinned, shrugging my shoulders. Her eyes lit up.

“That is you. I was right. Nicholas Kilmain.”

I bowed slightly, wincing a little at the stress on my scar, but ignoring it. “At your service.”

“I know those boys, by the way. They didn’t mean anything, I’m sure.” I waved a hand after them. “I know. No big deal.” I winked at her. “But it sure was fun freaking them out. “

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Carolyn Gray

She nodded, then pushed away, her husband casting me a curious look. She bent close to him, then whispered to him as they pushed their cart on down the aisle.

“That was Nicholas Kilmain. The song you were just singing to? That’s his,” she said, her voice filtering to me. Her husband looked back at me, then actually blushed.

I smiled at him and said to Lee, “What else do you think he’d like? I want to get out of here.”

“Jell-O? Popsicles?”

“He’s sick of Jell-O, but I guess we’d better get some.” I doubted we could get popsicles this time of year, but it was worth a look. We walked down the frozen foods section, Lee a few steps ahead of me.

“Yo, victory, there they are.”

“Great.” I tossed some in the cart. Then some more. And a third box.

“I think that’s enough, Nicholas.”

I stared at the cart. “Oh. Yeah. I don’t know what else to get.”

“Oatmeal?”

I sighed. “I guess. Can we go now?”

“Yes, sir, no problem. Onward, Jeffrey.”

Jeff gave Lee a dangerous glare, but pushed the cart toward checkout by way of the cereal aisle, where we grabbed a few boxes of oatmeal. I lingered behind, but not too far because Jeff would look at me and frown if I fell behind too much. Then I would have to catch up and endure his frown a moment longer for not doing like I was supposed to. Bad me.

Amazing how he could make me obey him with that frown. After Brandon’s little incident with Mutt, I didn’t dare cause trouble for his partner. I certainly didn’t want to see my head on the platter, like Brandon’s had been.

Thank you, God, for sending us Mutt. And Jeff, I thought, watching my so solemn bodyguard as he consulted the list Jenn had given him one more time. He checked off a couple items, then nodded in satisfaction.

“All done,” he said to no one in particular. “Let’s rock.” We chose a checkout line, and while Jeff put the items on the moving belt thing, I looked over the magazines and rags. Lee had one in his hand. “Hey, Nick, did you know Godzilla’s having King Kong’s baby?”

I snatched the rag from his hand and stuffed it back on the rack. “That’s not what that said. I can’t believe you read that trash. And you forgot one thing -- Godzilla was a guy.”

“So’s the monkey. Which one’s top, you think?” I punched him on the arm, making him yelp. “Shit, Nick, that hurt!”

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“You’ll get worse than that if you don’t be quiet.” I pushed him past Jeff to where a cute high school boy was bagging our groceries -- when he wasn’t staring at me. I smiled at him, grinning at his adorable blush. I winked. He nearly dropped a can of tomatoes. Hey, I may be taken, but I’m not blind.

Lee and I waited by the door as Jeff took care of paying. I nodded and smiled as people went past us, but though I saw a few looks of recognition, no one bothered us. Really, the people of Durango were great about leaving me alone. I sure appreciated that.

Yeah, a few would sometimes stop me, ask how I was doing, if I was excited about the coming release of the new CD, and I’d answer and smile and say all the right things. Then they’d go on and leave me in peace. Not once was I asked anything remotely tacky or intimate. It was good. Really, I was starting to just blend in with the rest of the world in certain places -- the local Coffee Haus, Starbucks, the grocery store, the bank. Though there, our new local bank had almost put out a red carpet for me until I’d fussed at the manager for being so silly. I was just another guy, nothing special.

We checked out of the store and headed back to the house. I was tired--we’d spent all day at the hospital, and Brandon’s doctor had chastised me for wearing myself to a frazzle (as she put it) and ordered me to go home, take a hot bath, eat a good dinner, and go to bed.

Jeff was then told I was not allowed to show my face at the hospital again until ten o’clock the next morning. I’d pouted, said I’d be there at nine o’clock. I got overruled -- by Jeff. Even though I am Jeff’s boss, he told me he was obeying the doctor on this one, not me.

Bastard.

I’d insisted on going by the store first because maybe just maybe they’d let Brandon come home the next day and we needed to be ready. And Jenn had a bunch of stuff she wanted us to get, having given Jeff a list. Even though she was close to term, she insisted on cooking for us all. Said it kept her mind off worrying about her cousin, and I couldn’t deny her that. Besides, I was also on orders to gain weight and she was doing her part to make sure I did.

I really was exhausted, so once we were done at the store, I was glad to be home again.

I followed Lee into the mudroom, stomped the snow off my boots, and took them off, slipping my feet into my slippers. Lee helped me off with my coat -- the cold kinda bothered my scar when I tried to move certain ways. I didn’t say anything, but he knew anyway, so he helped me without my asking him to.

“Go on in the kitchen and get some coffee,” he told me.

“Caffeine-free,” Jeff said.

I made a face at him. “That’s not real coffee.” He just looked at me.

I had to laugh to myself, but didn’t let him see. I really was growing fond of that boy and his solemn protectiveness. It didn’t even bother me anymore that he rarely smiled. In fact, about the only time I saw him smile was when he was with his lovely wife.

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Carolyn Gray

How to talk him into staying with us permanently, I didn’t know. Both he and Mutt had solid roots here. But we weren’t going anywhere anytime soon, that was for sure. Time enough to worry about it later, but I couldn’t imagine going anywhere without Jeff now.

I was scared to, I realized.

I padded toward the kitchen. From the hallway I could see Jenn standing at the stove, stirring something in a huge red pot. It smelled wonderful. And the kitchen was warm, a fire crackling in the corner stove and music not my own playing on the sound system. Nice nice nice. Wished Brandon were there to enjoy it.

Maybe tomorrow. I had to hope, maybe tomorrow.

Jenn looked up as I came in. Barkley zoomed into the kitchen, all wiggles and sloppy kisses, and I petted him, wishing I could bend down and hug him like I used. He followed after Jeff, into the living room.

“Hey, Nicholas, you guys get everything on my list?” I stood behind Jenn and snaked my arms around her. Nestling my head on her shoulder, I sighed, spreading my hands over her huge tummy. “Yes, ma’am, we got everything. How’s Peanut?”

She laughed, pressing my hands against her stomach and the moving creature inside.

“Peanut? He’s doing fine. Kicking like crazy.”

My hand jumped, making me laugh. “I can feel him!”

“Hold still for a second.”

She leaned her head against mine, then turned and kissed me on the forehead. I held her for a moment longer, marveling at the undulating creature she carried, the tiny being beneath my hands.

I was so excited -- the baby was going to be born here, in Durango. Two weeks to go.

Any second, really. And Jenn promised I could be there. And Brandon, too, though I wasn’t too sure he was okay with that. If he’d even be up to it. God, I hope so, please let him be okay. So squeamish over the silliest things, Brandon. Considering what all he’d seen and been through, it was kinda funny he was terrified of childbirth. I think it was just he didn’t think it proper to see his cousin like that, see down there, and in the full throes of labor.

I, on the other hand, could hardly wait. Peanut was the closest thing to Brandon’s baby I could ever have, and I planned on spoiling him rotten. F.A.O. Schwartz, watch out!

“How’s Brandon today?” she asked.

I sighed. “Sleeping. I watched him sleep all day, really.”

“That’s good. He didn’t wake up at all?”

“Just a little while.” I chuckled. “I got to give him a sponge bath.”

“That was fun, I bet.”

“Yeah, except the nurse insisted on being there, too.” A Red-Tainted Silence

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“Poor Brandon! I bet he hated that!” she said with a laugh.

Poor Brandon was right. He’d blushed more than I had. “Yeah, he’s got a real modest streak.” I sobered at that, thinking about what he’d endured. Jenn sighed and hugged me tight. We pressed our cheeks together, both of us lost in our grief for what the boy we both loved so much had faced for so long.

“I’m sorry, Nicholas.”

“Me, too, Jenn. Me, too.”

I finally released her as Lee brought in the groceries. I started to help him put them away, but he chased me off. “Doc’s orders, remember? Go take a bath.”

“You saying I stink?” I said, wiping my face with the back of my hand. Lee didn’t say a word, given Jenn’s eyes were a bit on the shiny side, too. It was a common thing in our house, moments of deep emotion. One never knew who would be crying next, though unfortunately it was usually over pretty much the same thing.

I was so sick of tears.

“No, I’m saying you are restless, exhausted, listless, and dinner won’t be ready for a while yet, so ...” He looked at Jenn, one eyebrow raised.

“Another thirty, forty minutes.”

Lee nodded. “So go. Go get in the Jacuzzi tub and relax, and try to, well, relax.”

“And don’t rush it, either, Nicholas. Soak for a little while,” Jenn added.

“Have you people noticed how bossy you all are lately? Always telling me what to do,” I said with a pout.

Jenn laughed and patted me on my backside, pushing me toward the door. “You love it and you know it. Now scoot. I’ll fix a tray for you so you can eat in bed.”

“I’m all right; I can eat at the table --”

“Nicholas,” Lee warned. He pointed toward Brandon’s and my room. “Go. You need to relax. Doc’s orders, remember?”

I sighed. He was right. My mind was jumping all over the place. The waiting ... the just being that I was having to do was driving me nuts. And what was worse, I was bored with myself, and nothing was more exhausting than a bored me.

“Okay, okay, but why don’t you join me?”

Lee paused, then frowned at me. “Take a bath with you?” I rolled my eyes at Jenn’s laugh. “No, just keep me company. Please? I --” I hesitated, looked away. “I -- I don’t want to be alone. In there, I mean.”

“Okay, no problem. Holler when you’re hidden by bubbles. Don’t want anything peeking up at me, you know.”

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Carolyn Gray