A Right Brain Mind in a Left Brain World (3 page)

I hadn’t realised the hotel would be quite so near. It seems ridiculous to have taken a taxi for such a short journey. I understand now why the taxi driver was smiling. He must think me a right idiot. But I just turn my head and smile at him as if this is something I do every day and got out of the car. I wait for him to retrieve my bag while fishing out some money to pay him. I hand him the note as he hands me my bag and tell him to keep the change.
‘You have a nice day now’ he says, in a mock American accent. Before he could say any more I hurry to get inside. But once inside I’m in another state of panic.

The lobby is a quite central area with plush seating situated here and there. Off to the right I can see a dining room. Tables are being set for the coming evening while soft music plays in the back ground. The walls in the lobby are covered in abstract art. Paintings with large splashes of vivid colour matching the soft furnishings. Clean, crisp and bright, just as the internet site has described.

As I approach the reception desk, all I can see is a blonde head of hair, bent over, looking down at something or other. The panic rises in my throat again. What if this is someone I know? I try to keep my breathing even, in through my nose and out through my mouth, or is it the other way round? I can never remember. Oh come on, pull yourself together, I think.

It turns out the young polish girl has everything ready for me. All I have to do is sign the register and tell her what I would like for breakfast in the morning. Having ordered dinner from room service, which I am informed is ‘to be delivered in about twenty minutes’, I took the key and made my way up. Better not take any chances in the dining room, I think.

I arrive at my allocated room - a double.
The young polish girl has taken the time to ask me if this is satisfactory as it is all that is available for tonight. I can change again tomorrow if I want to. Otherwise, the room is mine for my stay. I assured her it will be fine. I am very pleased to have a big bed in which to stretch. The room is quite large. It has French doors leading out on to a balcony looking over the sand dunes. I can smell the salt in the air as I watch the sun go down. I mentally try to relax. There is still time to change my mind. Nobody will ever know I have here.
‘Let’s just see how tonight goes,’ I say to myself.

What in god’s name is that buzzing sound? My mind is hazy for just a moment. Where am I? Oh god, yes, I remember, closing my eyes shut again as if this will make it all go away. Now, along with the buzzing noise, there comes a knocking noise too.

‘Room service!’ I hear someone shout outside my door. I quickly jump out of bed, look at the clock, not believing I had slept so well, considering. I hurry to find the complimentary robe the hotel has left out for me. I open the door while trying to tie the belt at the same time.
‘Where would you like me to leave this tray love?’
Oh good god, I think I am about to faint. With my head still bent, I run for the bathroom.
‘Anywhere is fine.’ I lock myself in, still shouting. ‘That’s lovely, just leave it anywhere and thank you very much!’

I don’t know what else to do. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. Oh dear god, her of all people to deliver my breakfast. I stand at the bathroom door listening but I can’t hear a thing. What if she’s still waiting out there? I am not ready to face her yet. I open the bathroom door and walk out, head bent, humming a senseless tune, but the room is empty.

I just sink to my knees, my legs feel so weak. How did I ever think I could do this? As soon as I have some sweet tea and toast I’ll ring for a taxi to get out of here. I will take the first train out, no matter where it is going to. Yes, I think, that’s what I’ll do. I will ring reception and ask them to have a taxi waiting. But then I think, I’ll have to stop at reception to pay the bill. Damn, I’ll just have to keep my head down while I settle the bill. At least that will add to the taxi fare.

Once again, I try the relaxing breathing technique my therapist has taught me over the years. But, as ever, I find it difficult to do in a higher state of anxiety. In my mind, I start to count backwards from a hundred and slowly I begin to feel my breathing ease. Finally I am able to relax enough to drink some tea. I make myself eat some toast as I pour myself more tea from the pot.

I think now of the things the therapist and I have discussed over there and get it over with’.

‘There you are love,’ the taxi man says fiddling with the meter.
‘That’ll be three euro please.’
I hand him a five euro note and tell him to keep the change. As I get out and close the car door, I keep my eyes on the front door of the house. Again, I feel like nothing has changed. I open the gate trying to do it as quietly as I can, so as not to alert anyone of my presence just yet. I want to be at the door before they know I’m here.
I look at the door in front of me now and think of the last time I closed it behind me. It seems like a lifetime ago. I suddenly think now, is this really something this old woman needs to hear? Is it something she will understand, how I left as one person and came back as someone else, after all this time? I begin to realise, this isn’t just about my needs I have to consider her needs too. After all, it’s only fair.

There goes the alarm call, I can’t believe I have slept so soundly again. I make my way to the bathroom when there is a knock to the door.
‘Room service!’ I hear her say as I walk to the door and open it back.

‘Ah, there you are love,’ she says and brings the tray into the room, ‘where will I put it for you?’
‘Oh, anywhere,’ I say, standing there looking right into her face. ‘I hear from young Patrick that you had a big win in the bingo lately.’

‘Well, the little devil.’ She smiles, ‘that grandson of mine can never keep his mouth shut.’

‘Grandson?’ I say, a little taken aback. ‘He didn’t mention that.’

‘Yes, well that’s something at least, that young fella talks no end, never knows when to shut up. He reminds us of my eldest son, dead now this past fifteen years.’ I can see the tears forming in her eyes now as I walk to her and put my arm around her shoulder. ‘It still breaks my heart to think of him,’ she says quietly. ‘I always knew he was a little different from the rest. He was excessively soft as a boy. He had the mannerisms of a girl, if you know what I mean. But I loved him all the more. His father could never understand him. Said he should cop on to himself and would have the others laugh at him and call him a sissy. One day, we woke up and he was gone. I’ve resigned myself to the fact now that he is dead. After John my husband died, we had Denis’s name added to the grave stone.’

Standing here, with my arm around her shoulder and the biggest lump in my throat, I wanted to tell her how much I love her, now, even more. To think she knew my secret all along. But I realise it is best left unsaid. After all, the day that I walked into the hospital for my surgery, was the day Denis died for me too.

‘You know, Mrs. O’Conner, he was a lucky boy to have had a mother like you. I’m sure you made him very happy. Who knows maybe he is out there in the world having a whale of a time.’
‘Do you think so love?’

‘Yes, yes I do, and I’m sure wherever he is, he will be thinking of you... and if he could say one thing I’m sure it would be “I love you too Ma.”’

‘Thank you my love, you know this is the first time I have spoken about him to anyone in a long, long time. This is almost better than winning the bingo.’ She smiles up into my face.

‘Yes it is, isn’t it?’ I say, ‘Well, I had better let you get back to work. Otherwise the other rooms will be ringing to know where their breakfast is. It was so lovely to have met you Mrs. O’ Conner. You take care of yourself, won’t you?’

‘Yes indeed I will love. Lovely to have met you too. Sorry… what did you say your name was again?’
‘Oh, you know I don’t think I did. It’s Denise, Denise O’Conner.’ I stand there for what seems like an eternity, watching for a reaction. She just smiles up at me.
‘Well, what do you know, an O’ Conner. We must surely be related. Do any of your family come from down this side of the country?’
‘You’d never know now would you?’ I say and give her one final hug goodbye before she turns to go out of my life forever. ‘Well, goodbye love. It was really lovely to have met you and if you’re ever in town again let me know and maybe I’ll take you to the Bingo with me.’

And off she goes, out the door. I finally got to say my goodbye. I know now that I could never come back here. Denis O’Conner died a long time ago.

At least I got one last chance to hold her near. Now it’s time to move on.

The room is dark as I wake and there is a stale smell hanging in the air. I try to get my bearings of the room but my head hurts too much. Why do I feel like I have a tonne weight lying on my chest? My tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth. I need a drink.
I get up and make my way to the window falling over something or other lying on the floor. Damn, my ankle hurts. I swing out of the curtains to keep myself from falling over. The autumn sunlight flickers through the room and almost blinds me.

‘Damn,’ I shout out into the silent room. I pull back the curtains while keeping my eyes shut tight. The warmth of the sun shines in and warms my body. I turn my back to it and try to open my eyes slowly to avoid the glare.
I look around the room at the mess I have created. The eiderdown and pillows are strewn all over the settee with cushions thrown about the room. Empty glasses and wine bottles are on every other surface. I remember again why I am in this mess. Why, oh why, did it have to happen now everything was going so well?

I think again about the very first day we met. I hadn’t planned on meeting anyone or bringing anyone home, for all that matters. But I did, I know now what people mean when they say it was love at first sight. The very minute I looked into your eyes I was lost. You charmed me by being very attentive, not leaving my side that whole evening, listening and responding to my every word. Everyone was so taken with you and said what a handsome couple we made.

Laura, my friend, who had invited me, just kept smiling at me with that knowing look.

‘Oh, I am so pleased,’ she announced, ‘Harvey is a wonderful guy you two will get along really well. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before.’

As I hadn’t taken the car to Laura’s, her mum had offered to drive us home. I thought this was a bit presumptuous but you didn’t seem to mind. I thought I’d play along and see how it would go.

We arrived at my apartment and you walked in like you knew the place. Like you’d been there before, so at ease with yourself. We just sat on the settee and cuddled up to one another and that was the start to our relationship.
After a few weeks, I wondered how I had ever lived without you. You were my first thought in the morning and my last thought going to bed at night. You were there to greet me every evening and there to wave me off in the morning. At the weekends we’d sleep in, lying around the bedroom, reading and snoozing and generally taking it easy.

Even my parents were crazy about you. If by chance I had to work away, they would call to the apartment every evening to make sure you were okay for everything. Dad would sit and chat with you, while mum whizzed round tidying the place. Washing your dirty dishes, making sure your bed was made fresh.

But now, now that is all gone. I never thought living without you could be so hard.

I come home every evening to this empty apartment and you’re not there. I try to make dinner. I pull out what I need from the fridge and think, Harvey will love this, only to remember you’re not here anymore. So instead of making dinner I just grab a bottle of wine and some crisps, rinse a glass under the tap and make for the TV. Anything to try and take my mind off you. Everywhere I look there are photos of you staring back at me so I just give way to tears again. The wine bottle empties so I just replace it with another.

I’m not even sure what day it is today, to be honest, I don’t really care. I haven’t been to work now for days. My mother keeps leaving messages on the answering machine asking me how I’m doing. I mean, how on earth do they think I’m doing? My best friend in the world is gone. I’m on my own again.

Now the doorbell is ringing. Who the bloody hell is that I wonder? There it goes again, whoever it is? They are persistent. But they can bloody go to hell. I’m not opening the door. But I can’t stand the noise of the bell so I make a run at the front door of the apartment shouting at whoever is at the other side to just stop and go away.

Then I hear a voice I know so well.

‘Please love, it’s your dad, you have to let me in. We have to have a talk.’

There is something in his voice that makes me want to cry all over again. I open the door and standing outside is my dad. His hair normally so neat and tidy has been blown wild from the wind.
‘Hi,’ he says. ‘Can I come in?’
I turn from the door and walk back into the living room as he follows me. I turn to look at him and can see he is a little dismayed at the state of the room.

‘Having a party then?’ he tries a cheery smile at me.
‘No,’ I say rather smugly. ‘More like a wake.’
I look at dad’s face now and realise I’m being very selfish.