A Rose for Melinda (12 page)

We went to Six Flags, but I was really wiped out, so I wasn't much fun. Mom wanted to take me home, but I absolutely refused, so Dad and Jesse went on the rides together. Mom got some good pics
of them and they both looked like they were having a good time. When we came home, I threw up (sure don't want Jesse to know that part), then I crashed and slept until about seven o'clock. I crawled down
stairs and they were waiting to eat. I voted for pizza, and after it came I ate a piece and felt better. Mom brought out a cake (angel food with white coconut icing, my favorite) and lit candles, and Mom, Dad and Jesse sang to me. I still can't believe he's really here!

Jesse and I finally got to be alone at about ten o'clock. We sat out on the porch in the swing watching fireflies.

Jesse asked, “Do you know why fireflies light up?”

“No,” I said.

“It's the way they tell each other that they're available,” he said.

“Nice trick,” I said.

“See?” he said, pointing into the darkness where the bugs kept glowing on and off. “That one's saying, ‘Find me, find me.’ And another is saying, ‘Here I am, here I am.’ ”

Jesse took my hand and my heart started to pound like a drum. He reached under the swing and brought out a box. (I must have been asleep when he put it there.) He said, “Happy birthday.”

I unwrapped it and held up a beautiful ballerina figurine. She's perfect and very fragile.

“It's made of porcelain,” he said. “That's supposed to be nice stuff.”

I told him how much I LOVED it. I wanted to hug him, but I was too shy. Good thing too, 'cause Mom came out and said it was time for a snack (our code for “time to take more pills”).

The ballerina is on my dresser, in the place of honor she deserves, and I see her whenever I look up.

I've known Jesse forever …I wonder if what I felt for him tonight is l-o-v-e? Mom would say I'm too young to be in love, but I don't know…. He's very special to me. He makes me glow.

Elana's Journal

August 31, 11 P.M.

Tonight, as I looked at Melinda and Jesse together, I saw a woman inside my child. And I saw how Jesse looks at her, with adoration, pure sweet adoration.

He doesn't appear to see the effects of her cancer
on her, which is a miracle, I think. I'm grateful that he has been so kind to her. How awful it would been if he had acted like a jerk and rejected her. How would she have accepted his rejection? It would have crushed her. If he chooses not to stay in touch once he returns to California, I'll understand. But until that happens, I bless that boy.

If I could put the joy of this day in a bottle and save it, I would. It helps balance out those days in the hospital when all seemed bleak and lost. My child is growing up … and as her mother, I'm torn between wanting it and dreading it. I wish my mother were still alive and that I could talk to her.

Happy birthday, Melinda, my daughter, my child. I love you so very much.

TO:
Mom
Subject:
My Visit

I'm using Melinda's computer to write this while she's napping. Her mom said it's OK, that my tapping on computer keys won't wake her. I like being here and seeing her again. I was afraid during the flight that she'd think I was some nutty kid from a past life she'd HAD to invite just to be nice. I was afraid she didn't really want me here but had agreed to my visit so she wouldn't hurt her parents' feelings. She's told me though that she's glad I'm here, and that she hopes we can be friends forever. Nice, huh?

I like her mom and dad as much as I ever did (although her mom talks a lot, but DON'T tell her I said so). You should see the way they fixed up their garage so that Melinda can begin dancing again! BTW, her dad's taking us all to a Braves game Friday night (if Melinda feels like it). He's on flight duty now, but he'll be home tomorrow.

Hope you aren't missing me too much. I'll fly home next Saturday and will send the schedule
once Mr. Skye sets it up. Wish I could stay longer.

Jesse

MELINDA'S DIARY

September 1

Tomorrow is Labor Day, and we're going out on the lake in the sailboat. Jesse's never sailed before even though he lives in California. He leaves Saturday and I'm really going to miss him, but I'm glad he won't be around to witness my further decline. I'm getting fatter by the day and the new meds make me really tired and cranky. I have a chemo session next Friday and will begin the homebound program next Monday. Not looking forward to either!

Bailey says school's boring (her usual take on school), but that she's been looking around for a new boyfriend because Pete's going to the community college and doesn't have time (or interest) for her these days. Poor Bailey—she wants a steady boyfriend so much. Hope she gets one soon.

I keep trying to stay dance-fit. Going up on pointe is killer! My feet are so out of shape. I have
to build up the calluses again, and no matter how tight I wrap my little footies, they still hurt. My toe
nails began to bleed from the pressure of toe work. Jesse wanted to get Mom, but I grabbed him. “She'll make me stop,” I said. “I have to keep going.”

He said, “Maybe you should stop.”

“I'll never get into shape if I don't toughen up,” I said. “No pain, no gain.”

We were standing real close and that's when he saw the shunt taped to my chest. I was mortified. I explained that it has a shut-off valve but is connected to a portal vein, and that it's there so the doctors won't have to find a vein every time I go for chemo. Veins often collapse because the chemo is so strong. I was afraid he would be grossed out, but he only asked questions and studied it. He made me feel that wearing a shunt is the most normal thing in the world.

He told me that science is his favorite subject, especially biology (he's in some kind of accelerated program in his school and he attends a few classes at the community college. This was news because he's never mentioned it before). I told him, “Way to go,” and he grinned (which almost stopped my heart). I thought I knew everything about him, but now I know that I don't. Which is fine with me. It's sort of like digging through a box and finding something unexpected that makes you feel happy.

While you get to
hang with Jesse, I am stuck in
classes. Not that I'm jealous.
Anyway, big news: Pete is
definitely history and I've
tumbled for Kerry Robinson. I
should have mentioned sooner
that he and I have been flirting
in class (we have two together!)
and hanging out in the halls, but
I wanted to wait until it was a
fait accompli
(see, I AM learning
something in French class).

Kerry is totally a jock
and totally popular. I'm so happy!

Congrats on landing
Kerry. What happened to Allison,
his main squeeze from last year?

She got preggie! Kerry
swears not by him.

And you believe
him? They were joined at the
hip all last year.

Sure I believe him.
Why shouldn't I?

Don't get offended.
Just be careful. Actually, I feel
sorry for Allison. Don't you?
She's only fourteen and “with
child.” What will she do? Do
you know?

I don't know anything
about Allison's story. Don't
worry, I'll be careful. How about
you? Are you and Jesse still
“just good friends”? Any mouth-
to-mouth action yet?

When something
exciting happens, I'll tell you. I
have to go now. Movie about to
start on the VCR for Jesse and
me. Popcorn, sodas, ice
cream—no wonder I weigh a
ton. But NO parents hanging
over us. Mom and Dad went out
for the evening.

MELINDA'S DIARY

September 2 (Labor Day)

We had a good breeze on Lake Lanier, and the sailboat skimmed along like a waterbird. Jesse was impressed. I told him that sailing is the best way to ride the wind and he agreed. Dad showed him how to trim the sails, swing the boom, and tack to move the boat across the lake. Mom packed a picnic and we dropped anchor in the middle of the lake and feasted. I had to cover up most of the day and slather on the sunscreen because some of the meds I'm taking interact with the sun. I really didn't mind since I didn't want Jesse to see me in a swimsuit in my present blubbery condition.

Later, Dad and Jesse went swimming off the boat and I went below and took a snooze. (Will I ever feel 100 percent again?) We headed home right before sunset. Jesse and I sat on the bow of the boat and watched as it cut through the water like a knife. He slipped his hand over mine and it was like we were in perfect sync with each other, like we had one heart beating between us.

When we got home, Dad made ice cream and Jesse and I watched the fireflies come out. He said, “You want me to catch some in a jar for you?”

I said, “Sure.”

And he said, “Did you know that scientists pay for these bugs? I catch them out where I live and stick them in the freezer. When I've got a bagful, I take them into the science department at the university and they pay me thirty-one cents a gram for them—nine dollars an ounce.”

“They don't look like they weigh much,” I said.

“It's a way to earn money,” he said. “And I'm helping a scientific cause.”

As usual, Jesse's knowledge surprised me, so I urged him to catch a hundred fireflies and stick them in our freezer, but when he brought the jar to me and I saw the flies trapped inside, their little lighted bodies going dim, I started to cry.

“What's wrong?” he said.

“It's sad,” I said. “They don't hurt anyone. They're so gentle. And now scientists are going to experiment on them.”

Jesse said, “They're insects. They have no nerve endings or higher brains.”

I kept crying and said, “I don't care. It just doesn't seem fair that they should die.”

Jesse said, “They don't have to die.” Then he unscrewed the lid and let them all go.