A Rose for Melinda (15 page)

TO:
Bailey
Subject:
Third Degree

Why do you keep asking about Beth in your e-mails? There is NO me and Beth. I took her to a dance because she asked me to. I have no plans to date her. She's OK, but not right for me. Please don't ever tell Melinda about Beth. I don't want her to think any girl means more to me than she does. And that's the truth. Thanks for keeping my secret (which I never should have dumped on you).

Jesse

MELINDA'S DIARY

December 20

I spent the evening consoling Bailey because Kerry broke up with her. He's such a RAT! He dumped her right before Christmas—probably because he's too cheap to buy her a gift! I reminded her that he'd done the same thing to Allison and she's pregnant! I think B. knows deep down she's better off without him. According to B. he was making
too many demands on her anyway. I can guess what “demands” she means too.

It's hard for her, though, because she's the kind of girl who always thinks she needs a guy. I've never been able to figure out why. She's a great person, fun to be with, always ready to do anything for a friend. I wish she could see herself through my eyes.

I realize she's a little bit of a drama queen too. She tends to blow everything way out of proportion until it takes on gigantic importance. Good thing she wasn't the one who got leukemia. How would she have coped with that?

“Merry Christmas, Melinda.”

“Jesse? Is this really you?”

“No … it's my evil twin. Just kidding.… How are you?”

“I—I'm fine. And you?”

“Fine. Listen, I called to thank you for the tape. And the Braves shirt. They're both perfect.”

“You're welcome.… Thanks for the rose pendant. I'm wearing it now.”

“I'm glad you like it. The tape is my favorite thing. You look so … so real. I've replayed the Chinese dance part so many times I can hum the music in my sleep.”

“Tchaikovsky would be pleased to know that.”

“You, um … looked beautiful. Even prettier than that famous ballerina you like so much.”

“I don't think so, but thanks for saying it. So … what did you get for Christmas?”

“My father sent a video camera. Said that if I won't come to him, then the least I can do is send tapes of my day-to-day life. It's a pretty good idea, actually. I can send you tapes too.”

“Would you?”

“I've taped our apartment and me and Mom opening presents this morning.”

“How's your mom? We didn't get a Christmas letter from her this year.”

“She's all right. Wrung out because she's taking an extra course this term. So tell me, is everything still okay with you?”

“I guess so. My latest blood counts were normal. I'm going back to school in January. You know—back into the classroom. I'm excited, but sort of scared about it too.”

“Why?”

“I've been out ever since last May. Everybody's so far ahead of me. Not with studies and class work, but with friends and cliques and all the social stuff. Know what I mean?”

“Bailey's there. She'll make sure you fit right in, won't she?”

“She'll help, but I may be a total social retard. I'll have to see how the kids treat me.”

“You didn't plan on getting cancer. They should be nice to you.”

“We'll see, won't we?”

When Jesse and I
talked, I really wanted to ask
him about Beth.

You didn't, did you!?!

No. I bailed. Lost my
nerve.

Whew! So glad you
didn't, because I wasn't
supposed to tell you about her.
If he finds out I did, he'll never
tell me anything again!

Then I'm doubly glad
I didn't. He tells you things he
doesn't tell me. It hurts my
feelings.

Back up, girlfriend.
Why would he tell you about
another girl? Poor strategy.

Do you think he
really likes Beth but is only
being nice to me for old time's
sake?

NO WAY!!! He's not a
jerk like Kerry who's telling
everybody that he and I did IT
(which is a total lie, if anyone
says anything to you. Sure he
pressured me, but I held him off
and now am I ever glad I did!). I
can't wait until high school.
Maybe the guys will be more
mature.

News flash,
Bailey … you've already dated
high school guys and didn't like
the way they treated you.

So maybe I won't date
anybody. Most guys are jerks
anyway.

Bailey without a
boyfriend? I won't believe it until
I see it. Not to change the
subject (OK, changing the
subject), want to come over
New Year's Eve and stay up with
me and watch the ball drop in
Times Square on TV? I'm going
to call Jesse and say happy
New Year at midnight. You can
wish him the same thing.

New Year's Eve sounds
fine. Patti's having a party, but I
don't want to go because Kerry's
going to be there with his new
airhead girlfriend. Who wants to
be subjected to seeing them do
the kissy-face thing all night
long? Not me! And yes, I'd like
wishing Jesse happy New Year.
You know, he may be the only
nice guy left on the planet.

Bring brownies, the
ones you bake with the M&M's in
them. I'll cover the popcorn and
soda. We'll have fun. And Jesse
will be so surprised. Yikes! I just
thought of something. What if
he's at a party with Beth?

Then he'll hate himself
because he wasn't home when
you called. Trust me.

December 30

My Confession

I am pond scum. Puppy piddle. Turtle turds and beetle dung. And every other nasty thing I can think of! Why am I all of these loathsome things? Because I've fallen in love with Jesse Rose. And the only reason I'm writing it down is that there's no one I can tell. Especially my best friend in the whole entire world, Melinda. And if I don't tell someone, I'm going to burst. So this piece of notebook paper becomes my “confessor” and the keeper of my awful secret.

Jesse treats Melinda like she's a queen. I want a guy to treat me the same way. But no boy does. Things start
out good between us, but once we get used to each other and the goo-goo feelings fade, we drift apart. Most of the time, I get pressured to do things I don't want to do with the guy. If I don't cave, he walks. That's the way it was with Kerry.

Except I did let him go a little too far (not all the way, but almost!). So now he's spreading rumors, and there's nothing I can do, because kids at school want to believe him—Mr. Cool Jock. Now other guys are asking me out because they think I'm easy—which I'm NOT!

I never want Melinda to know any of this. Especially how I feel about Jesse. What kind of friend wants her best friend's guy? Especially a best friend who's sick with a terrible disease? Also, I know the truth about Jesse and Beth (that Beth is nothing to him) and I don't tell Melinda. Still I let Melinda think the worst.

See how worthless I am? I hate me. But not enough to stop loving Jesse.

Signed,
Taylor
Prisoners of Dark Secrets

P.S. I feel better after writing this. Tomorrow night I'll hear Jesse's voice on the phone. It'll break my heart
because I know he only cares for Melinda, but I want to hear him so much. Love hurts. Oh yeah … it hurts big-time.

MELINDA'S DIARY

January 3

Returned to school today. Scared, but happy to be back. I'd forgotten how loud the halls can be after all the time I've spent alone at home. I stood at my locker and soaked up the atmosphere like a sponge. Some kid almost ran into me and I nearly panicked because I sure don't want to get injured and end up back in the hospital. I've had enough of hospitals to last me the rest of my life!

In homeroom, everybody was friendly, but I knew they were talking about me. “She's the girl with cancer,” a girl whispered (loud enough for me to hear). “Is she bald?” “Is she wearing a wig?” others asked. I wanted to yell “No,” but I wasn't supposed to hear them, so I kept my mouth shut and kept smiling. Don't they know it hurts to be talked about? What's wrong with people anyway?

Mom got permission from the superintendent of schools for me to carry a pager at school. If I ever get sick, I can page her and she can come get me. But I won't use it because it's so lame, and besides, it makes me feel even more like an outsider. I ate lunch with Bailey (lucky we have the same schedule!) and got eyeballed by the football players. Bailey says that they're shunning her. Why is Kerry being so mean to her? I'm glad I know someone like Jesse, who's never been mean to me.

P.S. I think he's over Beth, because on New Year's Eve, he said he was sitting alone by the phone wishing he could hear my voice. If Beth were really important to him, he'd have been with her. That's what I
think
, anyway.

February 14

Jesse is so cute and original! He sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for my desk for Valentine's Day. My desktop on my computer, that is. His virtual roses arrived in this morning's e-mail and I've had them up and running since I got home from school. I can change their color and their size whenever I want. I put them right in the middle of my screen and every time I look at them, I smile. He makes me so happy!

February 14

Dear Self,

This is the first Valentine's Day that I haven't had a boyfriend since I can remember. No matter. Jesse's the only boy I like. And I know he'll never like me in the same way.

Maybe I'll become a nun.

(Sister)

May 23

Dear Lenny and Elana,

No, you're not seeing things. There really is a graduation announcement enclosed in this envelope. Isn't it beautiful ? I never thought this day would come, but I graduate from the Santa Cruz College School of Education on Friday. I can hardly believe it myself! I've even impressed Jesse—which is a hard thing for the mother of a teenage boy to do, don't you know! I only wish you all could attend the ceremony and share my happiness.