A Rose Revealed (18 page)

I sighed. If I felt so strongly about her leaving, I could only imagine how the others were feeling.

After dinner things were no livelier. Jake announced he had to study and left us immediately. Esther went to her room as soon as she and I finished the after-supper cleanup. Elam sat in his chair in the living room, one hand absently gripping his suspender, and stared into space.

I went up to my rooms to get away from all the gloom. I sat in one of the overstuffed chairs with my legs hanging over the arm and thought about my conversation with Jake. What were the ramifications of his declaration?
I can’t love this girl and I can’t let her love me…Anything else is unfair
.

Jake was a strong man, a dynamic man whose legs happened not to work anymore. He was by turns passionate and caring and gentle and nasty and opinionated. He had learned to function in spite of his losses though he insisted on going at his own pace. He had stepped beyond the scope of his family’s heritage to find a way of life that suited him, first as a rebel and now as a student. He was a man not easily dissuaded when he reached a conclusion, and he knew how to stand on his convictions in the face of loving opposition.

I pictured our hands clasped as he told me he wouldn’t love me. I pictured him holding me the night Sophie and Ammon died. I pictured him laughing with me over Allie’s secondhand ring.

I heard him say, “You’re good for me, you know that?

I heard him say, “You’re my favorite Tiger.”

I heard again, “I can’t love this girl and I can’t let her love me.”

Then I heard, “I can’t believe God can forgive me.”

And that conviction of his was a much greater problem to me than his legs ever would be. It was a problem that could keep us apart forever, love notwithstanding. No matter how much I might love Jake, I couldn’t marry him if he remained an unbeliever. Even if he overcame his noble idea of sparing me because he was unfit, I couldn’t marry him.

Suddenly I felt as depressed as everyone else in the house.

I was enjoying a good sulk when my cell phone rang.

“This is Davy Stoltzfus,” a man’s voice told me.

“Hello! I’m so glad to hear from you. I’m Rose Martin. I live at the Zooks, next door to your parents’ farm.”

“Ah. I was wondering who I was calling.”

I laughed. “I can imagine. I rent a small apartment from Jake,” I explained.

“Remind me to ask about him in a minute, but first, how’s my mother?”

“She seems to be doing well. I haven’t seen her, but I’ve spoken with Becky a couple of times. If anything were wrong with Annie, she would have told me.”

“What’s Becky doing in Bird-in-Hand? Has her family moved back to Pennsylvania? Ma mentioned in a letter that she was staying with them, but she never said why.”

So Annie was writing to Davy behind Old Nate’s back—and the bishop’s too. “She’s here having a baby.” I paused. “She’s not married.”

“And my father let her stay with them?”

I could hear his surprise. And no wonder, after the way Old Nate had treated him.

“I think he felt he had no option. Your sister apparently felt she would taint the younger kids and sent her here.”

“Poor Becky.” There was genuine pity in his voice.

“Don’t worry about Becky,” I said. “She’s doing fine. She’ll leave here and marry her Samuel if she has anything to say about it.”

“Have you met this guy? Is he nice?”

“He’s in Ohio, so I’ve never seen him. He’s
meidung
.”

There was a minute of silence as he took that in. “Is Becky under the ban too?” he finally asked.

“Apparently she hadn’t joined the church yet. Besides, she confessed before the congregation.”

He laughed shortly. “I remember when they wanted me to do that. I wouldn’t.”

“I sort of guessed that,” I said. After all, he was still racing.

“Look, will you tell my mother that Lauren and I will be there Wednesday morning? We’re arriving in Harrisburg tomorrow, and we’ll spend the night there. We don’t want to be present during the burial. It might be too distressing to her, dealing with my father’s death, her friends, and Lauren and me, all at the same time.”

Just how long was a person shunned, I wondered. Forever, even when it was obvious he’d never return to the community?

“Sure, I’ll tell her. I know your sister and family are due this evening. They’re coming by bus as far as Harrisburg, then taxi. It’ll be the first time they’ve seen Becky’s baby. She’s nervous.”

“I don’t think she has to worry,” Davy said. “Rachel’s strict but not cruel. And she’s always loved babies.”

“Well, this little guy needs her love. He’s not well, Davy.”

“What do you mean, not well?”

“He’s going to die.”

I heard a sigh of distress. “How’s Becky with this?”

“Amazing. She knows and is prepared. She’s got a real strong faith, and I mean in God, not the
Ordnung
. But it’ll be hard. She loves Trevor fiercely.”

“Trevor? She named him Trevor?” Amazement and disbelief zinged in my ear.

“She’s about to jump the fence, Davy. She can’t wait to wear lipstick.” I laughed. “And there’s Samuel waiting for her when she does.”

“Speaking of jumping the fences, how’s Jake?”

I smiled to myself, warmed by the thought of him. “He’s fine. He’s taking a full course load at Millersville this semester and loving it.”

“When Ma told me about his accident, I was so upset. We were best friends for years.”

“Stop by while you’re here. He’ll want to see you. His apartment is the first floor of the
grossdawdy haus
. I’m on the second.”

After promising to visit, Davy rang off. I felt better after talking with him. There was no concrete reason I should, but I did. I pulled out my Bible and turned to Psalm 66. It was a favorite of mine.

             
Let the whole world bless our God and sing aloud his praises
.

             
Our lives are in his hands, and he keeps our feet from stumbling
.

             
You have tested us, O God; you have purified us like silver
.

             
You captured us in your net and laid the burden of slavery on our backs
.

             
Then you put a leader over us. We went through fire and flood
.

             
But you brought us to a place of great abundance
.

Many times when I felt overwhelmed with guilt about Dad and Rhoda or some other more mundane problem in life, I went to these verses. They acknowledged that God was God, life was sometimes difficult, but he always brought us through. I buried my face in my hands and began to pray.

Oh, Father God, I feel like an emotional yo-yo. I love Jake. I do. And he loves me whether he’ll ever admit it to me or not—and please, Lord, let him admit it!

I could break into a cold sweat at the thought of his never acknowledging his love for me.

But he doesn’t know You yet, Lord. Help him understand that You forgive freely. That’s the only way he’ll find that place of great abundance You promised
.

When I glanced at the clock, I saw it was time for the news. I turned on WGAL and watched a report on Sophie and Ammon’s double funeral. I saw Peter entering and leaving the church, his sunglasses firmly in place to hide his eyes, no doubt red-rimmed. My heart broke for him, alone and under attack, his life in jeopardy.

The last item in the report was a clip of a short, slight man giving the eulogy. I wondered who he was when his name flashed across the bottom of the TV screen.

Ernest Hostetter.

I stared at the man. This was Evil Ernie? He looked like someone a gentle spring breeze could blow away, not someone who would blow away his family for the sake of little cars.

But then what did a man’s appearance have to do with the evil that lurked in his heart?

Why did you go after me, Ernie?
I silently asked his image.
What did I ever do to hurt you? How can I possibly be a threat? How could I possibly dissuade you or stop you from doing more harm? And how long will it take for Lem and the others to get rock-solid evidence against you?

When I finally went to bed, I expected to toss and turn all night, but my time with the Lord gave me an ease of heart that allowed me to sleep the night through.

I was in the kitchen having a second cup of tea when Becky arrived with Trevor Tuesday morning. I rose to take him, but Esther beat me to it. She took him from Becky and held him close.

Becky looked at Trevor with doubtful eyes. The funeral would be the first time she had ever been away from him, and she was having second thoughts.

“Go, Becky,” I said. “Trevor will be fine. When I can pry him out of Esther’s arms, I’ll take good care of him for you. I promise.”

Becky smiled. “I couldn’t leave him with anyone else.” She bent and kissed him goodbye.

“Oh,” she said, pausing at the door. “My mother and father arrived last evening.”

“Tell your grandmother that Davy and Lauren will be here tomorrow,” I said. “He called last night.”

She smiled broadly. “Grandmother Annie will be so glad!”

I glanced around to see if anyone was listening. Only Esther was near and she appeared absorbed with Trevor. I moved closer to Becky and whispered, “Annie’s been writing to Davy and Lauren.”

Becky grinned widely. “Good for her.”

I agreed. I could see no reason for her to lose her son forever over a difference in beliefs. If the shunning had served its intended purpose, Davy would have returned to the church. Since he hadn’t and never would, the time of shunning should cease. It separated families and caused great hurt.

Becky reached for the door again just as Elam opened it and came into the room from the barn where he and John had been harnessing the horse to the buggy. They were treating this morning with the funeral service much like they would treat Sunday as far as workload went. They were only doing what was absolutely essential, things like milking and feeding the stock.

I thought Elam looked quite handsome in his black, split-tailed frock coat with its hooks and eyes, appropriate dress for Sundays and special events. His white shirt was buttoned to the collar, and his cleanly shaven face glowed with the ruddy health of a man who spent most of his time outdoors.

“Mom,” he said as he pulled his hat off, “Father says he’s ready—”

His words trailed off as he caught sight of Esther cradling Trevor. He stared, frozen, like he’d never seen her before, his face a mix of loss, resignation, and pole-axed wonder.

She must have heard him speak, but Esther never acknowledged him.
“Schloff, bubbli, schloff,”
she said quietly to Trevor. “Close those little eyes.
Ich lieb dich.”

“Did you call, Elam?” Mary’s voice drifted down from upstairs.

Elam started and cleared his throat. Suddenly he looked anywhere but at Esther.

“Father said it’s time to go.” He turned to the door, paused and said, oh so casually, “You too, Esther.”

She nodded without looking up. She turned to me and laid Trevor in my arms.

“I think I’ll walk down with you instead of ride, Becky,” she said. “
Iss
all right?”

Becky nodded.
“Ja.”

Elam slapped his hat on his head and went out with a barely contained slamming of the front door.

Becky and I looked at each other and couldn’t resist smiling. The course of true love.

Esther put on her black bonnet over her white organdy
kapp
and took her black shawl from a peg by the door. As she and Becky walked down the road, they looked like twins in their matching dresses. As a symbol of community, clothing was one of the big three, the others being horse and buggy travel and no electricity from the power grid.

Trevor was a joy to babysit for. He was good but not docile in spite of his ill health. I listened to his heartbeat with my stethoscope and found it steady. Still I didn’t like the cyanosis all too readily visible about his lips, nails, and little feet. I kissed his tiny toes and then put him on my bed to sleep. I sat down to read and promptly fell asleep myself. Trevor and I both woke up over an hour later when he demanded some food.

We went downstairs and I gave him a bottle. At first he wasn’t happy with the strange feel of the nipple, but after he got a few tastes of his mother’s milk, he settled down like a trooper. He even gave me a glorious burp.

I wrapped him in a blanket, and he and I went outside. The day was beautiful, much warmer than it had been when Esther and Becky walked off in their shawls. Reveling in the unseasonably high temperatures, I took Trevor for a stroll, walking down the road away from the Stoltzfus farm. I didn’t want to seem like a typical nosey or curious
Englischer
spying on the funeral.

We hadn’t gone far when a flock of farm geese waddled across the street in front of us, their little rumps twitching back and forth with every step. They glanced at me for a brief moment and decided I wasn’t a threat. They went back to their conversation, quacking and honking to each other as they moved with absolutely no hurry.

A blue pickup truck approached from the opposite direction and came to a halt on the other side of the parade of geese. To be polite I smiled at the handsome young man behind the wheel. After all, we were both caught in a major traffic snarl, Bird-in-Hand style. He smiled vaguely back.

I held Trevor up and said, “See the geese, sweetheart? Aren’t they pretty?”

Trevor looked completely unimpressed, and I wondered if his little brain had the ability to even interpret what was before him. Give him a few more months, and he’d be talking to the geese like he understood exactly what they were saying, waving his fists and drooling.

“I hope you get the chance to do that, Trev.”
Oh, Lord, let him have the chance!

Finally, the geese were safely across the road. The pickup drove by, and Trevor and I continued our stroll. When I began wishing for one of those Snuggli things that strap a baby to your chest, I knew it was time to turn around. We were almost back to the house when the pickup truck came by again, now from the opposite direction. It stopped beside us.