A Sadness Within (12 page)

His words sunk in, and I began to really understand him for the first time in this life. I stood up and went to the window this time, gazing out over the calming presence of the lake. This explained so much to me. I knew our history. I knew how it worked, I just never knew that it was possible to fight it in this way. I always felt the anger and darkness closing in around me.  My father had held on to the memory of my mother’s love for all these years and my sister had too. Or maybe for her, it was the hope of finding that kind of love someday. I never thought I had a choice. Honestly, I had never cared, until I met Julia. She made me see the goodness, even though it had been her despair that drew me to her. She made me want to be something more.

Behind me, my father rose from his desk and came to stand behind me.

“I loved your mother very much.” He held the tiny portrait of her in front of me on the windowsill. “And she loved us very much. There are circumstances that have prevented her from being with us, but we can’t keep being angry over losing her. After all, she is in a better place, and I wouldn’t have wanted her to live this life with us. Still, we all have to find something to hold on to.”

My father gave me a few minutes to mull things over before speaking again. I stared at the portrait, taking in my mother’s features. She had been so beautiful. Just looking at her made me feel her loss. It had been so long since I had looked at her, I barely remembered her. I had forgotten how much Celia looked like her. Perhaps that’s why it was so easy for my father. It was like looking at my mother every time he looked at her.

“Tell me about her, this girl who has brought you back to us. Tell me what has made you change.”

At the mention of Julia, images of her flashed through my mind. Julia playing the piano, Julia laughing, driving home with her, and watching her silhouette laugh in the dark. I smiled.

“She’s hauntingly beautiful and wonderful. No, she’s more than that. She is amazing.” My words began to come out in a rush. “I have to admit, at first I was attracted to her because there was something dark and hopeless, but there is also much happiness and life in her. I saw her switch back and forth and it intrigued me. I wanted… no, I
needed
to know more. The more time I spend with her, the more I begin to focus on her happiness.” My father was smiling back at me, so I continued.  “I haven’t indulged since I came here and I don’t even feel like it when I’m with her. But, tonight has been difficult. I haven’t seen her all day, and I won’t be with her until Monday. I’m finding that it’s always hardest when I’m not with her. ” My face contorted with pain and longing, although I could feel the ache lift a little just by talking about her. “She plays the piano, and when she plays, she’s happiest. Her songs have awakened something in me that I can’t explain. When I’m with her, I can almost convince myself I’m human again. She makes me want to change... to be a better person.”  I nearly collapsed against the window, exhausted with the thought of her.

I felt an arm around my shoulders as laughter sprang from my father’s lips.

“That, my son, is your soul,
reawakening
. Love can do that.
Passion
can do that.” I smiled at the word love. I suppose I did love her. I hadn’t thought that was what it was, but certainly, in this last week she had become such a deep part of me that I didn’t think I could go on without her. I was reminded of my visions, of my connection to her and remembered the real reason that I came to talk.

“There is something else though, the reason that Celia thought that I should talk to you about things. I know how Julia feels when I’m not with her.” I explained what had been happening. “I don’t know what that means. It’s like she’s a part of me.”

The look on my father’s face told me that this was not good, and it scared me a little. Maybe it was a bad thing, something that could be done to others to draw victims in before being killed by them. His silence continued and was stifling.

“Are you okay? What does it mean?” I asked.

“It is very rare but not bad.” He must have been able to read the pained look on my face. “I have only heard of this a few times. It’s something that transcends even us. It’s the sign of a true soul mate. It could happen to anyone, immortal or human but rarely between the two. Your mother and I had it, and I have only known of a few others who have felt the same way. It means that your souls are truly connected. This is something I had hoped for you my whole life.” He looked at me in disbelief.

“Connected?” I didn’t understand.  “But that’s impossible! How could we ever be together? She’s mortal! Our life expectancies alone, would keep us apart. It’s not possible.” This was certainly not what I had expected to hear. This was a joke. A cruel joke played by fate. My fists balled at my sides and dark anger welled up. The air around me swirled in darkness and I could feel myself begin to break.

“You shouldn’t fight fate, which is what has brought you together. You can’t fight what was meant to be, and apparently, you were meant to be with her even if it’s only for part of your lifetime. The power that binds you is more powerful than any of us. It transcends time.” My father’s firm grip still on my shoulder, grounded me and brought me back from the dark place. His gaze was set firmly on me.

“But how…” Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Like a knife was being driven in. I saw a flash in front of my eyes, and I could feel Julia’s pain. I didn’t know what to do, I just knew that I needed to find her.

“It’s her, isn’t it,” my father quietly asked me. “I can see it on your face. You must go to her.” I didn’t wait to hear if my father said anything else. I was already out the door. Whatever trouble she was in, she was calling to me, and I had to find her.

It didn’t take long, even
in my father’s car, to follow my senses to where I found her curled up in the cemetery. I wasn’t sure why she was here sitting in front of a gravestone near the old maple. Her face and hair were soaked with tears. I went to her cautiously so as not to alarm her. She was shaking as she silently cried.

“Julia?” I called out softly.

“What are you doing here?” she whispered sitting up slowly. Her voice was hoarse, and her eyes red with tears.

“I’m taking you home.”

I was prepared for a struggle as I put my arms around her frail body, but she was too weak to fight back. Instead, she grabbed the front of my shirt and buried her head against my cold chest. I walked quickly to the car, setting her carefully in the front seat. I felt the solitary beat in my chest as I leaned over her to fasten the seatbelt. She looked so small and sad curled up on the seat. The despair radiating off of her caused the monster to rumble, but my concern and newly found love for her slowly overpowered it.  She was shaking uncontrollably, and I wrapped the blanket I found in the trunk around her. Within minutes, we arrived at her house. She had stopped crying but was still limp in the seat next to me. I picked her up and carried her onto the porch. It was unseasonably warm for October, and since I didn’t want to intrude in her house, I gently set her down on the swing and took the seat opposite her. My body, now warm from holding her, suddenly felt very empty without her there. She pulled herself up onto her elbows her eyes studying me.

“How did you find me? What were you doing there?” She repeated her earlier question.

“I was driving by, and I saw you,” I lied. “It’s not really important. What is important is that you are back here. Safe.” I emphasized the last word and leaned forward resting my elbows on my knees. I looked back at her. I didn’t want to explain how I knew where she was, so I turned the questioning back to her. “Are you okay? What were you doing there so late at night?”

“That’s really none of your business,” she snapped unexpectedly and pulled the blanket tightly around her.

“Okay, fine, be cryptic. I was only trying to help.” I stood up, tempted to leave. The sadness was locked within her eyes. She clearly wasn’t ready to talk about it, but I wasn’t ready to leave either.

“Wait. Don’t go,” her voice was barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry. I just don’t like to talk about it. In fact, I never talk about it with anyone.” She paused for a minute and twisted her hands. When she looked back up, her green eyes glowed with intensity. “I go there to talk to my brother. He died a few years ago.” Her lips were pursed and I could see that this confession took a great deal of effort. She looked at me anxiously, as if waiting for me to say something.

“You really shouldn’t go in there alone at night,” I pointed out tersely.

“I didn’t go at night. It was light when I arrived, just after school. I guess I just lost track of time. Sometimes that happens…” she pointed out, matter-of-factly. “Besides, why should it matter to you,” she tried to sound harsh, but it came out too softly.

It mattered a lot to me. I knew that now. Julia’s disclosure made me cognizant of my own secrets.  I needed to tell her something, but now just wasn’t the time to tell her the whole truth. I guess I could at least tell her how I was feeling. I swallowed hard, almost choking on the lump that now resided there, as I prepared to tell her how I felt.

“I don’t know if I can explain it, but I feel like I need to watch after you. I know you can take care of yourself, but I worry about you. I think about you and just want you to be safe.” It was the best explanation that I was ready to give.

She absentmindedly slid her foot down to the floor and began to rock the swing gently.

“Oh.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

“I’m not a stalker. I swear.” I said my hands out in mock surrender. “I know it sounds weird, but it’s the truth. I guess I’ve gotten so used to making sure you got home safe after practice that I get concerned about you easily. There is still a lot about me that you don’t know.” Even as I said it, my reasoning just sounded stupid.

She looked puzzled for a moment and bit her lip. I wondered if I had just scared her off. I prepared myself for her to start yelling and screaming at me to leave and never come around again, but after a minute when that didn’t happen, I began to relax a little.  Finally a small smile pulled at the corner of her mouth and pink spread over the cheeks.

“So you think you need to keep me safe?” She stood up and rubbed her hands across her thighs as if she was drying them off. “That sounds so weird. I mean, I hardly know you, but you seem to be in the right place at the right time. You always seem to know how to help me when I need it.”

I didn’t know what else to say. She just stared at me. Her auburn hair cascaded over her shoulders, and her green eyes were still smoldering brightly. She was flushed, as if she had just gone for a run, and I was absolutely positive that there could be no one in the world I adored more. My cold heart ached just looking at her. What I wouldn’t do for just one human day with her. A pained sigh escaped my lips, and at last she looked away.

“Well, I guess that’s settled.” She smiled widely and relaxed even more.

“What’s settled?” I chuckled not aware that we had anything that needed to be settled.

“If you’re going to keep being in the right place in the right time, then I might as well accept it and get to know you better. All this time we have spent together this week and you have barely talked about yourself, other than to answer the few questions I asked you on our first day. So start talking. I need something to take my mind off of my own problems.” She plopped back down and crossed her arms in front of her chest, daring me to defy her.

My eyes widened with surprise. I wasn’t sure that getting to know me would be a great idea. I didn’t think I could bear for her to learn who I really was. Not only that, it would be dangerous.

“What do you want to know? I already told you the basics,” I asked hesitantly.

“Tell me more about your family. I want to know more about them.”

“Well, you know it’s just my dad, my sister, and me.” I hesitated.  “My mom died a long time ago.”

“Do you miss her?” her voice was soft, and I could hear the longing in it.

“Yes.” I locked my jaw in apprehension. I didn’t want to lie to her, but I didn’t want to give away too much.

“My parents are gone, too.” She looked away and was suddenly in a far off place. “Sometimes I miss them so much.” She gestured toward the house. “This is the house I grew up in, you know. At times, it’s hard to live here alone. There are just too many memories. I keep expecting them to walk through that door any minute.” She looked up at me, and I could see all of the sadness in her face. I could see it run deep, right down into her soul. This is where it came from, the deep darkness I had wanted to know. I could feel the hurt radiating up through her, and I wanted so badly to take it away. I wanted her eyes to sparkle with happiness again. It surprised me to want that for once.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know that you lost your parents, too.” There wasn’t much more to say, so I waited for her to say more.

“I don’t talk about it a lot. Everyone in town knows, and they tend to keep their distance. They just wait for me to snap. Sometimes I do,” Julia moved back toward the swing and plopped down. “No one wants to be around someone who is so… broken.”

“Broken? Is that what you think you are? Losing someone doesn’t make you broken. Death is a part of life.” I got up and slowly made my way next to her and sat down. “We all lose something or someone, eventually.”