A Sadness Within (22 page)

“Well do you know where he is?” I could tell her patience was wearing thin.

“He’s out with the others. They went to a club or something. You know, the usual. I didn’t really pay attention. I had my own plans tonight.” I could hear the smile in his voice. Whatever he meant, I didn’t want to know.

“Could you just tell him that Celia is in town and to please call me? We’ll be at the usual hotel. He’ll know where.” Mark peered around Celia and his gaze caught mine. He sniffed the air and flashed a grin.

“I didn’t know you were keeping in the company of humans like that, Celia. Or maybe you were bringing a present to Will? To try to get him to come home?” he hissed.

“I don’t know who you think you are, but knock it off,” Celia was standing in front of him in the blink of an eye, her hand to his throat. Her tone was like ice. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. Just tell him I’m in town.” She shoved him aside and turned abruptly. I felt a sting as she grabbed my arm and led me out to the street. I fought the urge to look back, but I could feel his black eyes peering into my back. We didn’t speak until we were around the corner and well out of eyesight.

“What was that all about?” I asked, rubbing the sore spot on my arm.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to grab you like that. He’s just one of the idiots that Will lives with. You can’t pay attention to any of them or they’ll take advantage of you. I find it best to stay indignant and assert some authority.” She raised her hand to hail another cab.

“I figured that. I mean what was his deal about seeing me?”

She bit her lip and scowled. “You caught that? He thought you were with me. That you let me drink from you. Some immortals keep specific humans around them in order to get blood whenever they want. Most of them still aren’t willing to drink donated blood in a glass. They prefer it straight from the source. Like I said, barbarians. Although, the fact that he saw you could work in our favor. He’ll probably tell Will that I didn’t visit alone. Hopefully, he will put two and two together, realize that you are here in town with me, and actually call me back.”

A cab pulled up to the curb, and we both jumped in. It was raining harder now and despite the fact that the inside of the cab smelled like moldy bread and cigarettes, I was happy to be in from the cold, damp street.

“The Knickerbocker Hotel, please.” The cabbie only briefly glanced into his rearview mirror at the source of the voice before tapping to start the meter and jumping on the accelerator.

“What’s at the Knickerbocker?” I asked quietly.

“A bed, a shower, and food. We need to rest. There isn’t really anything we can do until Will arrives home. So, we sit and wait for his call… or at least give him a chance to call. If we don’t hear from him after a while, I can try to find him again, but my suspicions are that as soon as word gets to him, he will find me. He knows I’m serious if I show up in the city because it doesn’t happen very often.”

“Oh. Okay.” I sat back against the seat and felt the rain from my hair trickle down my back. I watched the raindrops collect and drop down the window. My life had sure changed in the last few weeks. And despite my current state, I felt truly alive for the first time since losing Aaron. I wanted to see Will more than anything. I wanted to apologize and tell him how much I loved him. I wanted him to hold me. There was, of course, a very real part of me that realized that this may never happen. He may truly want nothing to do with me and I would have to accept that as well.

“There is nothing else we can do now, so don’t try to be a hero. I can see it in your eyes, you are exhausted!” Even as she said it, I knew she was right. It had been a long few days with little sleep and my emotions running on overdrive.

A few minutes later, we pulled up to an old looking hotel, complete with a doorman outside its gold revolving doors and bright lights. I was sure that if I could see the top of the building, there would be gargoyles perched on the rooftop, watching the city. Celia paid the cab fare and we slid out.

“This hotel is sympathetic to our kind,” she whispered. She must have read the concern on my face.

We walked into the lobby and Celia made her way up to the desk with authority. I figured she knew what she was doing, so I hung back and just watched. Within minutes, Celia had a key and we were opening the door to a room with two double beds in it. After a hot shower, I crawled into the crisp sheets.

“Aren’t you going to sleep, Celia?” I questioned. She turned and smiled warmly at me. The way she had been taking care of me over the last two days made it hard to believe that she was currently “playing” a high school senior.

“Eventually. I’m just going to sit here and wait for a bit to see if Will calls. I may try to call him again, too. You should rest. I can go a lot longer without sleep than you.”

“Okay. Just wake me up if he calls or you talk to him.” I closed my eyes and could feel myself drifting off, no longer able to stay awake.

I don’t know how long I slept before a nightmare woke me. Something about eyes, watching me in the dark jolted me awake. The room was dark and it took me a few minutes before I realized where I was. Celia was sleeping soundlessly in the other bed, her body still. It seemed strange, surreal, to be here in Chicago, sleeping in the same room as her. Not only that, but to be here with someone who, until a week ago, had just been a student to me. My life had taken such a strange turn.

I lay awake staring at the ceiling and listening to the sounds of the city trying to slow my heart and wondering if there was any way that this could all work out. The artificial light of the city was streaming in through the windows. I got up and pulled the curtain back, looking out at the cityscape. He was out there somewhere and it excited me to be in the same city as him again. It made me feel closer. We could make this work. I knew that we could be together.

A sigh escaped my lips. I only hoped that it wasn’t too late and that I could fix everything that I had broken.

A
petite blond sidled up
to me, her syrupy voice purring in my ear.

“Hey there, stranger. Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in a few weeks, and I missed you.”

I glanced down and vaguely recognized the person speaking to me. “Nowhere important,” I said coolly to her.

“So do you want to go in the back?” She ran her hand lightly up the inside of my thigh, leaning closer to me. The touch repulsed me, and I began to pull away. Molly. Now I remembered her. Six weeks ago, she wouldn’t have had to ask me twice. She had been one of my “regulars.” Someone who let me take from them often. Blood, sex, whatever I wanted. She had been nothing more than a prop to me. Someone to use and then throw away. It never dawned on me until now, how much I used to do that. I wrapped my hands around Molly’s thin wrists and pushed her to the side.

“No, I’m okay right here. Thanks.” I tried my best to dissuade her with my tone. I just wasn’t in the mood. “I think you should leave. Go find someone else to be around. ”

She stared at me, and I glared back until finally, she walked away in a huff. I sighed deeply and ran a hand through my hair. What was with me? I had been trying to get back into the way my life had been but to no avail. Every time I looked into the eyes of someone else, all I could think about was Julia. I was confused by the dull, thumping, irregular heart, beating with a thud in my chest. While a random heart beat always existed within us, mine had been more noticeable in the last week. I hadn’t told anyone about it. Especially not Chris. It was faint, but definitely there. And the dreams! Or rather nightmares, were all consuming. I was finding that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake pictures from my mind of the girl with auburn hair, sitting at the piano. I could still feel her presence, her feelings, but only faintly. There had been a lot of anger and fear at first. Now, it was just sadness. I knew that I would never truly be able to forget her.

The music thumped around me, pounding into my brain and for the rest of the night, I watched from a dark corner as Chris took one girl after another into the back room to do what we did. What I used to do. He had so many, I couldn’t keep track. The girls came out groggy and unaware. Usually he drugged them first so that they wouldn’t remember. It was sickening and something that I definitely didn’t want to be a part of anymore. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t pretend that this was me. I stood up quickly, hoping to sneak out before Chris came back looking for his next conquest. I had to get out of there. I had to escape this life.

The cool air on the streets welcomed me, even though I could barely feel it. It felt less claustrophobic than the confines of the bar, and I liked its numbing effect. And without all of the voices and the loud music, I could think without distraction. Who was I kidding? I was always distracted with thoughts of Julia, but out here in the night air, I could allow them to take over. I could let go. My body ached from wanting her, and I let myself remember visions of her in my arms, visions of her biting the end of a pen, visions of her at the piano, playing while I sat next to her, her long fingers hovering over the keys while she let the music flow through.  In my dreams, she even turned to look at me with a smile. I turned down the closest alley and slid against the rough brick wall, unable to go on. My eyes pinched closed, and I felt as if my chest would explode from pain. I could feel her sadness and worry. It was strong tonight. Almost as if she was near. As if she had come to Chicago. I couldn’t let myself hope, but it pushed and shoved against me like a competing force.

One thing was sure, I still loved her.  I felt that I would always love her. I was not the same person and Chicago was not the right place for me. I no longer had a life here. I couldn’t go back home, though. It was too close to her and after her reaction, I was sure that she wanted nothing to do with me. The problem was that now, I knew what I was capable of. I knew what life could be. My father and sister had been right. There was no going back to the way I had lived before.

I sat hidden in that alley, wallowing in my own self-pity, until a light rain began to fall. The brownstone was only a few short blocks. I didn’t even bother trying to stay dry, letting the dampness slip into my pores and drench my clothes. Frankly, I just didn’t care.

The sidewalk was nearly empty as I rounded the corner of the brownstone-lined street, most people dodging in an out of the rain quickly. The two dark figures getting into a cab near my building alarmed me for some reason, and I quickly leapt into the shadows to avoid being seen.  I’m not sure why, but the figures looked familiar. Suddenly, I knew as I recognized my sister’s jacket and her long stride. The other person was smaller and graceful with auburn hair falling all around her, and I could feel her all around me. Julia. What in the world could they possibly be doing here? I felt a thud in my chest again as my heart gave out one solitary beat. Within seconds, the taxi was roaring down the street, and I was able to step out of the shadows. I took the stairs of the brownstone two at a time and slipped inside. The house was quiet, but I paused feeling that there was someone here.

“Well hello,” Mark’s voice rang out from the shadows. He was sitting in the living room with a girl passed out next to him.

“Mark,” I greeted him curtly. I disliked Mark intensely. Of all of the other immortals, he was the oddest. He rarely went out with the others, but rather preferred to prowl the streets looking for prostitutes and loners to bring back to our house. It was creepy, and he very often went too far, resulting in the death of more than one innocent girl.

“Early night tonight? That’s three in a row. Rather strange for someone who used to stay out until morning wreaking havoc on the city,” he smirked.

“I’ve had my fill,” I lied and motioned toward the girl. “I’ll leave you alone with your… uh… guest. I’m going to crash.” I began to walk away to my room when he interrupted.

“Your sister came by,” he spit out.  “And some delicious looking human was with her, I might add. I didn’t know your sister was hanging out with mortals now. Or perhaps she brought her as a gift to try to convince you to return back to them.” I stiffened at the mention of Julia. The tone of his voice implied exactly what he thought about both of them. My defenses were up and the thought of Mark thinking of my sister and Julia that way made me snap. I lunged at him from across the room, catching his throat in my hand.

“Don’t talk about my sister that way. In fact, don’t even think about either one of them. Ever. Got it?” I let my grasp around his neck loosen, figuring that I had gotten my point across. He gasped for a minute, his hand moving up to his neck. He wasn’t strong enough to beat me and never would be. Picking a fight with me would be his demise and he knew it.

“You don’t need to be such an ass. Chris is right, there is something wrong with you. You haven’t been the same since you came back. Besides, I was simply going to tell you that she said she was in town and to call her. Something about her usual place. ” I was already walking away as he spoke, but I heard what I needed to. I brought my hand up to my aching chest. They were here and Celia wanted me to call her. I wasn’t surprised. Celia had been calling me all week, but Julia was with her.  I could scarcely hope that she had changed her mind. Maybe she was here because Celia brought her against her will.  Or to tell me once and for all that she never wanted to see me again. That could be the only answer. I mean, she had run screaming from me. From the monster that she saw. I couldn’t deal with rejection again. Thinking about it only made the ache gnaw at my chest even more. I couldn’t deal with this right now. I would call her in the morning. Maybe. For now, I just wanted to put tonight out of my mind. But hope had already begun to poke through, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Julia was actually here.

After a while, a fitful sleep came. I started to have the same dream again, but there was something different this time. I could see more. Julia was there again. She was at the piano, playing. At least I assumed it was her. I still couldn’t really see. Her hair was cascading around her shoulders in long waves. Her fingers glided across the keys. She turned and smiled slowly at me. The smile that lit up her eyes and for a brief moment, I could really see her. And then everything went blank again, and I awoke with her scream in my head.

It was daylight and there was a single ray shining into my room, landing at the foot of my bed. I could feel the heat as my body absorbed the rogue beam. If only the dream could be decoded. In fact, I wish I could figure out why I was even dreaming. Why could I see some things better than others? Why was she so out of focus until she smiled? I rolled over and rubbed my eyes to glance at the clock. It was almost
noon.

The house would be quiet for several hours. Most of the guys stayed out so late that they slept all day. Just like them to play the big, bad immortal. Sleep wouldn’t come to me anymore. Julia was here. I could feel her constantly, knowing now that my mind was not playing tricks on me. In a way, it brought me a bit of peace. I should call Celia and at least let her know that I was okay. No, I needed to call Celia to see what she wanted. Who was I kidding? I needed to call Celia to see why Julia was with her.

Reluctantly, I let my fingers dial Celia’s number.

The phone rang a few times before a sleepy voice on the other end picked up.

“Hello?”

“Celia?”

“Oh my god, Will! Is this really you? I have been worried sick about you! Why didn’t you answer my calls? Are you okay?”

“Celia, calm down. I’m fine. What are you doing in town?”

“I brought someone who wants to see you, but not at your house. We don’t want to be around those disgusting creatures you live with. I think it should be somewhere else.” Of course. Julia was still scared and didn’t want to be seen with me. Celia must have told her everything about my life.

I couldn’t say no to her. I was intrigued, and a solitary heartbeat confirmed the hope pulsing through my veins. I mean, Julia had come to Chicago with my sister. Maybe she wasn’t scared of who I was anymore. I don’t know what would be worse, Julia being terrified of what I am or just being terrified of what I was capable of.

“Where do you want to meet?” I calmly asked.

“Maybe we could meet at The Bookshelf? The one right next to the Oriental Theater. How about in the coffee shop upstairs? Does
6 o’clock work for you?”

“Sure,” I answered. It would give me time to figure out what I would say to her. “Celia? Is… is Julia okay?” My voice came out pained, catching in my throat slightly.

“She’s fine, but I’ll let her talk to you later. She’s still asleep. She’s had a couple of long days. It was a lot to take in. Don’t worry, just meet us there. She wants to talk to you. Are you okay?” I sighed audibly, letting the relief flow through my body.

“Better,” I answered after hesitating for a few moments. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you Cee. I just wasn’t ready to talk to anyone.

“You can’t keep running away, Will,” her voice whispered into the receiver.

“I know. I just panicked; I didn’t know what to do. I was in so much pain, and I wanted to numb it. I thought that things would be better if I came back here, but I can see now that they aren’t. I don’t want to live like this anymore.” I looked around nervously to make sure no one had overheard. That was the first time I had admitted it out loud. It was a feeling that had been awakening and festering in me for quite a while. Julia made me realize that there was so much more. She reminded me that I could still be human. I only hoped that it wasn’t too late to tell her that. I longed to ask Celia if she thought it was too late, but I didn’t want to hear the answer. I was still absorbing everything.

“Things will all work out, Will. And then maybe you can come home.  We’ll see you at six. Take care.”

I held the phone to my ear, listening to the silence at the other end after she hung up. I could hear it echo in my head. And then the quiet sound of a singular heartbeat. It reverberated in my chest and reminded me of so much. Everything that I longed for and everything that I had to get back.

I opened the blinds over my window and let the sunlight stream in, feeling more human than I had in a while. Things would change now. I would leave this place. I may not be able to go live back home, but I certainly could find somewhere else to go. Or maybe Julia would forgive me and I
could
go back home. I tried not to focus on this hope. My skin warmed and tingled from the sunlight still shining upon it.  I would need to tell Chris and the rest of the guys that I was leaving for good. They will not be happy. They felt betrayed if anyone left. In fact I wasn’t sure that I could remember anyone leaving in the 50 or so years I had been with them. I knew that Chris, especially, would be upset. He felt that humans were toys to be dominated by the immortal and all powerful. I certainly couldn’t tell him why I was leaving. If he found out about Julia, or about my newfound feelings, he would never forgive me. Chris was not someone you should make angry.