A Sadness Within (5 page)

Within minutes, the sun was gone, and I felt the call of the piano. I went inside and sat down on the bench. Perhaps, I would play something new tonight. I pulled out some new music I was working on and practiced diligently. Finally, I felt my mind shut down and a different song came out. I wasn’t surprised to hear Mozart’s “Fantasy in D Minor” erupting from the keys. It was melancholy, which was how I felt now. I played for several minutes, letting the music further deepen until again, I couldn’t help but feel like I was being watched. The shades on the living room window were open, but when I looked outside, all I could see was my own startled reflection staring back at me. I reached for the shades and quickly shut them, trying hard to shake the feeling that there was someone or something out there. I reached forward and turned the light out, peering again between the shades into the darkness. My eyes could pick up nothing out of the ordinary. This was the kind of night that made me wish I had gotten that dog, or made Kara move in with me. Living alone sort of unnerved me at times, and it was easy for my imagination to get away from me. I went through the rest of the house locking the doors and shutting all the blinds, working my way upstairs. Sleep did not come easily, and when it finally did, there were dark dreams about glistening eyes watching from the dark. 

The next morning, the rain
was drumming softly outside my window when my alarm went off. I suppose today would be as good as any to take a break from running, I thought, not wanting to emerge from my warm cocoon. My dreams from last night resurfaced and I was instantly glad that I wouldn’t be venturing out in the dark. The thought of all of those eyes watching from the shadows was unsettling.

I squeezed my eyelids together tightly and tried to think of happier things. Fortunately, the comfort of my bed allowed for several more minutes of snuggling underneath the covers. I faded in and out of sleep until finally, the need for breakfast encouraged me to get out of bed. I took my time getting ready, but I still managed to arrive at school 40 minutes early. I might as well get some things done. It was Friday and if I got enough done, there would be far less work to do over the weekend.

“Oh Julia, just the person I wanted to see. Could I talk to you for a few minutes?” John Mason, the principal said. I had stopped in the office to get my mail and nearly ran right into him.

“Sure. I’ll be right in,” I replied, a bit worried. It’s funny how on edge I was about being called into the principal’s office even though I was no longer a student.  I had to remind myself that I had done nothing wrong as I grabbed my things and took a seat across from him in his office.

“How are preparations coming for the play auditions? Is there anything I could do for you? Do you need anything else?” My body instantly relaxed at his questions. He was a small, balding man who had been principal of this school for several years. While his tone was always harsh, he was a kind man who went out of his way to make sure both staff and students were happy at the school.

“Actually, I think I’m doing okay. I still need to find someone to act as an assistant director,” I said, suddenly remembering that everyone had said no. When I had asked Steve the day before, he said he didn’t have time to help this year, leaving me slightly panicked.

No one else seemed to want to give up their nights and a few weekends. Nothing like abandoning the new girl. “If it’s okay with you, I might have Mallory Marshall do it. She’s a senior, and has been in all the shows before.”

“Oh, that would be fine as long as you think you can handle the logistics. I think she would be a great help to you.” He grinned back at me in a fatherly way.

“Well, I suppose that I should get back to work.” I stood to leave. “Unless there was anything else you wanted from me.”

“No, that was it,” he said, and began shuffling papers on his desk, signaling to me that we were finished.

“Thanks for the heads up. And I’ll let you know if I need anything for the play,” I said walking toward the door.

“Actually, there is one more thing I should mention,” he said, stopping me. “I hired a new maintenance guy for after school and evenings. His name is William Bradley. He’s Celia Bradley’s older brother.”

“Oh?” I tried to stop any emotion from showing on my face, although I could feel the warmth spreading though my cheeks.

“Their father has helped the school out financially over the past few years,” he continued, “so I owe him a favor, I suppose. Apparently, his son is home for a while and needed a job. He won’t be in your way, but I didn’t want you to be surprised if you saw him around during rehearsals.” He went back to the pile of papers on his desk.

“Thanks for letting me know. If I don’t see you, have a great weekend,” I replied and slipped out the door in a slight daze. I had been thinking about the Bradley’s far too much lately and knowing another one of them would be around was intriguing. 

“You too, and don’t forget… let me know if there is anything I can do for the play,” I heard him add as I was walking down the hall.

I was definitely preoccupied as I went back to my classroom. Celia’s brother would be working at the school. She must have known that when she told me yesterday morning that he was back.  Boy, some students really tried hard to find someone for me. One thing was certain, I needed to get the Bradley’s out of my head and focus on my own life.

There were only a few minutes left before the halls began to fill, and students started to trickle into class. Of course, this meant I wouldn’t get much done again this morning. So much for that extra time I had given myself. By the time I had helped the steady stream of students with various questions about the reading or the writing assignments, or those that just came in to chat, the first bell rang.

The day came and went in a whirlwind, helping me push aside the mess in my mind. That is why I liked teaching. It was easy to immerse yourself and forget about life. I could get wrapped up in the lives of the book characters or focus on my students and keep my mind off of everything in my head. There was just too much to deal with.

By sixth period, I was really ready for the weekend and kept glancing at the clock, counting down the minutes. All that was left was to give out the vocabulary quiz and I would be free. As I handed them out, Celia kept on glancing in my direction, a quizzical look on her face, as if she was studying my every move. Our eyes met briefly and she grinned at me. My own smile back to her was meek and small. She was definitely up to something.

Finally, the bell rang and I felt as free as my students. Celia lingered a little, and I worried that she would stay and talk, but I began to pack up my things, making a show of leaving, and she eventually left without saying a word.

The rain was coming down hard when I went to leave. The buses had all gone and the last few students were making mad dashes for their cars, books and jackets covering their heads. Making a run for my car just didn’t sound all that exciting. Perhaps I could just wait a few minutes for it to lighten up. Maybe I would just go check the auditorium to make sure that everything was set up for Monday’s auditions. Besides the few scraps of paper on the floor, which I picked up, things looked great. I brushed a small amount of dust off the top of the piano and sat down, arching my fingers over the keys. The rain hummed steadily on the roof of the auditorium and almost sounded like an audience applauding in appreciation. Closing my eyes, I let the song find me. They seemed to know which one needed to come out to help me feel better. I wasn’t surprised when Rachmaninoff’s “Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini” came out. It had always been one of my favorites and I let the music ebb and flow through my soul. I could almost feel the orchestra playing right alongside of me. It grew into a crescendo and then fell again. When the song ended, I left my fingers lightly on the keys, waiting. Then I froze. Again, the feeling I wasn’t alone. 

The creak of a chair was enough to make me jump, and I felt my heart leap into my throat. “I’m sorry. Don’t stop on account of me. I just heard someone playing, and I followed the song in here. Please go on,” a deep but soft voice called out.

I turned toward the silhouette hidden in the shadows and breathed a small sigh of relief that at least I wasn’t just imagining things. There actually was someone there. I didn’t know what to say, so I turned back to the piano and tentatively began to play again. All the while, I could feel him slowly coming closer toward the stage. Toward
me
. I normally didn’t like to play in front of others unless it was on a stage. There was something about the stage lights washing out the faces in the audience that helped. But this was different. I knew he was there, yet I still played and it didn’t seem to bother me. It only took me a moment to all but forget that he was there as I got back into the melody.

By the time the song ended, he was standing on the stage at the foot of the piano. He looked to be about my age.  Dark, wavy hair framed a pale complexion and his eyes were almost silver. I had to really look up to meet his gaze, as he was over 6 feet of muscle.

“I didn’t mean to startle you. I was just passing by when I heard you. I’m Will, Will Bradley. I’m the new evening maintenance guy. And I think we’re neighbors.” He introduced himself, but stayed where he was at the end of the piano. So this was the new hire, Celia’s brother. We stared at each other, the grand piano between us, an energy swirling in the air around us. Oh my, he was extremely good looking. I should have been polite and introduce myself as well, but my breath caught and I couldn’t get a response out. Fortunately, he didn’t seem to notice my hesitation and continued.

“You are an amazing player. I can feel every emotion that you play.” His voice pierced through me and his eyes held mine.

“Thank you,” I finally stammered, trying to swallow the breath still caught in my throat. I looked down at my hands lying on the keys just to avoid looking into his eyes. I was used to compliments, but somehow it seemed more genuine coming from this divinely gorgeous man. At last, I remembered my own manners. “Sorry, I’m Julia. Julia Cavallo,” I said, taking a breath to calm myself. “I teach and direct the school plays here.” I threw that last bit in just to let him know that I had some authority to be in here.

“How long have you been playing?” he casually asked. For as deep as his voice was, it had a softness to it that I just couldn’t figure out.

“For about 18 years.” I tried to keep my tone nonchalant even though my heart was racing. Absentmindedly, I began to play again.  “My parents started me when I was young because I kept begging them. I think my pounding on the piano was annoying them. At least then I would be pounding out something that sounded like a melody.” I didn’t know what else to say, so I looked back down at my hands.

“You play with such passion. My mother used to play and she once told me that passion cannot be taught. It comes from experiences within. Is there a reason?” His eyes flashed with something for a minute and then returned to a stormy grey. “I mean there is sadness. A longing there.”

I know he was just making conversation, and maybe he didn’t really know about my past, but I stiffened. I didn’t want to talk  openly with someone I hardly knew.

“I’m sorry, I should go,” I stood up and gathered my things.

“Did I say something to upset you?” he was at my side instantly. “I didn’t mean to pry.” Once again, I was trapped by his eyes and left with my mouth hanging open wordlessly.

I turned away and regained my composure, better able to think straight when I was not looking at him. 

“No… it’s just that… I think the rain let up and I really need to get home. It was really nice to meet you.”

I grabbed the rest of my things and hurried out of the auditorium and straight to my car. I didn’t realize I was shaking until I got home.

The sun flooded through the
windows way too early. I blinked and rolled back over, letting golden rays stream through the window and warm my cold skin. Unlike our mythical counterparts, immortals could tolerate the sun. The disease created a lack of blood flow, which didn’t allow body temperature to regulate properly. Essentially, I was cursed with being cold-blooded, my body prone to absorb the temperature around me. Too much time in the sun would result in overheating; not enough sun could result in freezing skin or frostbite. As a rule, immortals tried to stay out of extremely cold climates and tended not to linger in the sun’s heat for too long, but I loved the feel of the early morning sun and how it made my skin feel.

The house was quiet. Celia must already be out and a quick glance outside revealed
my father working out in the greenhouse across the yard. I sat up and cupped my hands over my eyes trying to block out the day. I thought back to last night and to my encounter with Julia in the auditorium. She seemed guarded and… scared. It seemed as if she had sensed that there was something very different about me. Rightly so, I suppose. She should be cautious. The disease wasn’t totally under control, and I was still toying with the idea that there might be something else. My chest ached at the thought, and I decided that a drink should ease the pain. I rolled out of bed and sauntered down to the kitchen. This donated blood thing wasn’t bad, but it didn’t take the place of fresh blood, which felt more real in my veins. Perhaps I could sneak out and find something else.

My thoughts drifted back to Julia sitting at that piano, playing. She intrigued me. Her music was enchanting and I could tell that there was something behind it. Something more behind
her,
which only made her all the more interesting to me.  For a strange moment, I had a vision of us sitting under the trellis in the yard. We were laughing together and talking, and she was confiding in me all of her secrets.  I shook the scene away, startled by the appearance of such normalcy and the fact that I didn’t know what it meant. Before I had heard her play, I had only thought of people as a way to satisfy a need. With her, perhaps I was considering more.

I shook my head to empty these strange new thoughts. I was so confused now. For years, I had thought that I knew what and who I was and what kind of life someone like me could live. I was a soulless creature who lived off others… thrived off them, actually. Or was I? This would be so much easier if I had someone to talk to. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I grabbed it, thinking instantly of Chris. I could talk to him, couldn’t I?  Maybe he knew these feelings and would know what to do. The caller ID flashed his number and I answered immediately.

“Chris! What’s up?” I greeted cheerfully.

“Oh, you finally decided to pick up the phone,” he snapped. “I have been calling you for a few days now. When are you coming back, Will? Haven’t you had enough of your old man yet?” There was music in the background, and I was guessing that they had brought the party back to the brownstone and were continuing into today.

“Coming back?” I questioned. The memories were all crashing around me now as I remembered the events of my last night in Chicago. The one that made me hop on my bike and head back here. Did I really want to go back to that now? And now this thing with Julia, whatever it was. Things had become so complicated. “I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. “Ahhh… I actually had something come up here. Something I want to talk to you about. Some things have been happening here in the last few days and I have been talking to my sister and I think…”

“Oh, come on, Will. Don’t tell me you’re actually buying into your family’s bullshit! What could you have possibly found there that you can’t have in Chicago? All those two do is blather on about being human and having a soul. They are delusional. You know this is where you belong. We both know who you really are. Besides, I need you here. I’ll come back there and get you,” Chris interrupted before I could even begin to tell him about Julia. I shifted slightly and found myself gazing out the window at the lake, not sure of how to continue.

“Yeah, I know.  Well… it’s not that. It’s just… something else,” I tried again, but something told me to stop. He was never going to understand. He was annoying me and I wanted nothing more than to get off the phone. Perhaps it was the fact that he spoke a bit of the truth as well. “You know what, never mind. I’ll be back in a few days.” I hung up abruptly and turned my phone off, pushing Chris and my life in Chicago to the back of my mind. I could already see that he had been calling from the number of missed calls that popped up. If anything, he made my head foggier that it already was. One thing was for sure; Chris’s call reminded me of the dark life I lived. I threw my phone down on the counter and stormed outside, intending to walk down to the beach or anywhere away from here.

To an extent, he was right. That was who I was, but for once, I was hoping that I didn’t have to be. Could I really change? I needed time to figure things out. I know now that Chris wasn’t the person to talk to about this. Who is he, of all people, to talk to me about who I am? He would come for me, or send someone else to do it. I only had a few days to sort things out before I was sure someone would come looking for me.

The air was cool, despite the sunshine. I started walking through the garden more confused than ever and wondering what to do. Perhaps it was time to talk to my father. It seemed like my body had already made that decision for me as I found myself walking into the greenhouse to where he was.

“You know that you can’t sneak up on me.” He was finishing repotting a rose bush. “You aren’t exactly quiet.” I settled myself against a pillar opposite him and just shrugged.

“I wasn’t trying to be quiet,” I said.

“How was your first night at work?” he asked, getting right to the point. “I trust there were no issues.”

He turned to look at me, his gaze set intently on me.

“It was fine.” I hesitated, contemplating exactly how much to tell him, and while I could talk to him about my confusion, I decided that it was definitely too soon to tell him about Julia. I didn’t want him to be angry. It was clear he still didn’t believe that I would behave myself while I was here.  This was all so new that I would have to keep it to myself. I still needed to prove that I could stay in control. He would surely mistake my restlessness for something it wasn’t, and right now, restless didn’t even begin to describe what I was feeling.

“There were more deaths in Chicago last night. It was on the news today.” He was calmly clipping the dead heads off the bush he was working on. His tone, like his hand, was incredibly controlled.

“I didn’t hear that,” I said although wasn’t surprised. “Besides, that has nothing to do with me considering I was here last night.” I shifted and turned away, trying to sound obscure.  Chris hadn’t mentioned anything on the phone, but I could only imagine that is where our conversation had been heading. Part of the reason he needed me. He needed someone to help clean up the mess.

“This is exactly why I requested you come home for a while. It’s only a matter of time before the immortals in Chicago are caught and discovered. Their behavior is just too reckless. You know how that will end. Do you remember the incident in New York a few years ago? Authorities had to work for weeks to cover that up. Until people are willing to recognize the fact that this curse does exist and that we aren’t all bad, it is imperative that you stay hidden like the rest of us.” He had stopped clipping and turned to look upon me with blazing eyes.

This was a long speech for my father, but it was far from being the pep talk I had been hoping for. On some level, I understood his fear, but hiding wouldn’t make it go away. I could feel the anger building in me. His smug confidence in his own righteousness and lack of belief of mine was one of the things that we argue about the most. He wouldn’t even listen to me or try to see my side. His constant unwillingness to recognize us for who we are, set me on edge, and I immediately became defensive.

“But we do exist!” I shouted, my relaxed stance gone as I took a step toward him “Don’t you get it? We are diseased. You and Celia never seem to understand. We are immortal and this is what we do. We need blood to survive. Death is just a side effect of our survival. You know, it must be difficult to keep hiding from what you really are and pretending to be something you aren’t,” I turned away from him abruptly clenching my fists at my side. I hadn’t come out here to argue, yet I couldn’t seem to control my ire. He was so quick to dangle his trust in front of me, only to snatch it back up. I thought he wanted me here, but I didn’t come back for a lecture. I hated that he constantly believed the worst of me, all the while telling me that he hoped for the better. 

“Just because you need blood to survive, doesn’t mean you have to kill to do it,” he answered back. “This disease doesn’t mean you aren’t human anymore. Damnit Will, when are you going to understand that?” he glared back at me, daring me to continue. We stared at each other for a moment before he turned back to his roses.

I sighed and settled down on the wooden bench. He made it seem so simple, but he was wrong. Of course, we weren’t human anymore. Humans were born. They died. They lived a life somewhere in between, which is something I was definitely not doing. It was so damn easy to turn my back on any part of humanity left in me. Sometimes I wanted to be out there doing what the disease told me I needed, but then there were times like the last few days, when I had to admit something had begun to stir in me. I didn’t want to be in Chicago, but I still wasn’t sure I wanted to be here. Turmoil flowed through me as I thought about her. I could actually think about something other than being a soulless monster when I thought of her. Perhaps I could actually see my father’s rationale.

He looked up at me again, and I hoped that maybe for once he could see the conflict in my eyes, yet even though something in me was changing, he didn’t even notice. I turned away gazing off at the lake in the distance, not wanting him to search too deeply. I had too many secrets that weren’t ready to be revealed.

“It doesn’t have to be that way, Will,” he continued quietly, while turning his attention back to the rose bush.  “You can’t let this condition get the best of you. You only lose if you let go.” If he only knew the truly dark things I had done in this new life. I don’t think he would feel the same way. Could I really forget all of that?

I wanted to believe him. Especially now. But despite my new found feelings, I was still afraid that it was too late for me. I had been in a dark place for far too long. 

“Whether you believe it or not, I am trying while I’m here, but I fear it could be too late for me. I can’t go back and change what I have done,” I said and walked over to a red rose bush. I looked it. A single rose bud was trying to open in the morning sun. In another day, it would be fully open. Thorns stuck out from the stem. How could something so beautiful be surrounded by something that could cause so much pain? That’s when I realized what my father and Celia were trying to tell me. The two could coexist. I just needed to learn to see the beauty.

“I know that you and Celia believe there is something else out there,” I continued, “but I’m not sure I can. I’m not sure there is anything left of the old me. Just face it; perhaps I was never really good at being human to begin with. Maybe this is who I was always supposed to be,” I said, grasping a rose stem tightly until I felt the thorns poke through my flesh, the pain it inflicted helping to hide the shame.  “I wish it was different. I wish it more than anything, but I realized long ago that there is no hope left. I have no soul left to save.”

He walked toward me and placed his hands firmly on my shoulders. He and I were the same height, and his eyes were intense as they stared right into me. He wouldn’t let me breakaway as he searched for what I didn’t want him to find. I could feel the ache growing inside my chest again.

“If that were true, you wouldn’t have come back here. It’s not too late.” His hands slid limply from my shoulders, and he turned back to his pruning. “You came here because there is still something left in you. Some sense of humanity and attachment. I can see it. If your soul were completely gone, you would have stayed with the others. You can’t let this disease get the best of you. It will only take what you give it.”

I desperately hoped that he was right and that my soul wasn’t completely gone. He thought it was never too late if there is a sliver left. I did not have to let this disease take over. I did not have to give in to the monster within. I pushed the thought deep down. It was a moment before I spoke again. There was more to say, but I wasn’t ready and let everything still unsaid hang in the air.