A Sadness Within (6 page)

“Thank you. I will stay here as long as I can.” I said quietly. With that, I walked back out into the sun and headed down the path to the lake.

Once I was clear of his vision, I ran to the shoreline. I found a spot on an old log and gazed out at the light playing upon the waves. I felt the cool breeze blow across my skin while a lone seagull fought against the wind above me, calling out in search of food. Despite the coolness of the autumn air, the sun’s rays were heating up my skin. I would only be able to last out here for a short time before I would need to go back. I looked down at my arm in the sunlight. The skin was almost translucent, the bloodless veins running through my arm, a purplish grey.

My father’s final words swirled around in my head.
It will only take what you give it.
I could be as good or as destructive as I allowed myself to be. He thought I could just choose what I wanted to be. I chuckled to myself at the thought. Funny, but when I began this second life, it didn’t seem like I had much of a choice. I had never seen how it could be anything different. I never understood what it meant to choose, but for the first time, I began to feel that if given a chance, my decision could have been different. I thought about Julia and about the fact that she made me feel something, even if I didn’t know what it was yet. Could this help? Could she make me want to be better? To live like my sister and my father? God, I hoped so, but it was too soon. At the very least, it made me wonder. But for now, I just didn’t know.

I sat for a while and just listened to the simplicity of the waves crashing on the shore, steadily swelling and then receding. Eventually, the heat was too much and I made my way back toward the house.

“So, how was your first
day on the job? Did you get to meet Ms. . . . I mean Julia?” Celia said, blocking my way inside and making it clear there was no way I was getting out of this discussion. I contemplated how to answer for a moment, but the determination in her eyes convinced me to just tell her the truth.

“Actually, I did. She was in the auditorium and I went in and introduced myself.” I could feel the ache as I talked about her, the excitement coursing through me. My mind was still jumbled though, so I tried to remain my normal stoic self, not willing to give my thoughts away. A difficult feat in front of someone as perceptive as my sister.

“Uh-oh, things didn’t go so well, did they,” she said, concern crossing her face. She gazed so intently at me that I had to give up hiding. It was much too difficult, and I did need to talk to someone. I sighed deeply, my shoulders sagging in defeat while my hardened expression melted and the words began to tumble out.

“She was playing the piano,” I began, as I pushed past her to slump into the worn leather of the overstuffed chair nearest to me. “We talked for a few minutes and then she left rather abruptly.  I thought things were going okay, but then… it was like I did something wrong and I don’t even know what!” I had been trying not to overthink last night’s events, especially after my reality-check discussion with Chris. My conversation with my father had made me think about a different life. After today, I didn’t want to think. I was done with thinking. But, as I told my sister what happened, I began to doubt everything. Maybe I should just go back to Chicago and live my life. It was so much simpler. I knew my place and never had to worry about emotions. And there was no thinking. No need to contemplate my actions or my existence.

“Well, you can be a little intimidating!” my sister said. “Did you ever think about that? Did you use your normal tone of voice, because that can be pretty scary sometimes?” She sat down on the chair next to me trying to work out where I went wrong.

“I don’t know, maybe. This is not exactly something I worry about on a daily basis. I didn’t know that I needed to be careful of something like that,” I glanced at her sideways, still afraid to truly give all of my thoughts away.

“Of course you do! People are very sensitive to things like that!” She threw her legs over the arm of the chair and tossed her hair back. “I guess that we will just have to work on things.” 

Confidence constantly poured from her. She knew who she was and wasn’t afraid.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” I groaned, burying my head in my hands.

She looked at me excitedly, and then bounced up and grabbed my hand, taking my actions as giving in to her.

“I can help you, Will. If you will let me,” she said quietly, all humor gone.

I studied her face for a moment. She had a glimmer in her eyes. A light. I have been told that it’s one thing that distinguished our kind from our human counterparts. My father and sister both shared the same glimmer. A part of their soul, he had said.  They say it was because they had never lost touch with their humanity. They had never fully given in to the nature of the disease that fed off of darkness and turned the infected into soulless creatures. They had managed to hold on and maintain a remotely human existence. Those who held on to the light never fell to the dark. I saw the excitement, the life, radiating off her and began to hope for a moment that I, too, could be like her.

“Cee, can I ask you something?” I questioned tentatively, momentarily letting my guard down. She drew back slightly then nodded.

“Do you think… I mean… is it possible that I still have a soul?” I turned away from her, not wanting to meet her eyes for fear of what she would see. When I did look, I felt the now constant pressure in my chest grow. Her eyes narrowed and she looked intently at me. Her mouth turned down at the corners and her brow furrowed. Suddenly, her face relaxed and she smiled.

“Yes. There is… something.” She held my hand tenderly, excited by the prospect that she hadn’t totally lost me either.

I breathed a deep sigh of relief and closed my eyes, feeling a tightness in my chest.

“Maybe I can try to help you get it back, you know. I can help you truly feel. There is so much more out there when you open yourself up to the possibilities.” Her voice was soft and my chest nearly exploded as the ache consumed me. Weakness overcame my body, and I nearly crumpled to the ground. Images of Julia at the piano flashed through my mind. Her dark hair cascading over her shoulders, fingers arching delicately over the keys, a smile playing at her lips. And then, I imagined myself standing behind her, my hands on her shoulders while she played. It was a possibility. A glimpse into a conceivable future for me, and I suddenly wanted it so bad. I didn’t realize until now how much I was missing. For decades, I had given in to my urges and let myself become the monster that I thought I had to be. My father said he had never given up hope. Celia had never given up hope. No matter how bad it got, no matter how much trouble I was in, she always stood beside me and brought me back when I was at my darkest. Perhaps it was her belief in me that kept me holding on to a tiny part of light for all these years. My subconscious secretly hoped for a change.

Suddenly, I knew how I would gain it back. I knew what it was that had reawakened me to this point. Julia. I thought that I had been drawn to her blood. I thought that I wanted to kill her. It was just the opposite. I needed her to make me whole. She is what I had been waiting for.

“It’s Julia, isn’t it? That’s why I’m drawn to her. I mean I’ve been having strange visions and haven’t been able to stop thinking about her all day.” I glanced back to my sister.

“I don’t know,” she answered. “It could be. And if this is what will bring you back, I definitely think you should find out.”

I hugged my sister and felt relief wash over me. Relief that I could change. Relief that I wasn’t just a bloodthirsty monster. Relief that there was hope. Maybe immortals could change. Maybe this disease could be controlled. I certainly was determined to find out.

Electricity coursed through my body
as I waited for nightfall to try to see Julia again. I didn’t want to show up at her doorstep after our encounter in the auditorium, but it was only Saturday, and I wouldn’t see her until Monday. I was standing at the window looking at the streetlights go on one by one down the street, a signal to me that I could leave. When the last one blinked on, I hurried toward the door.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Celia was blocking my exit.

“I’m just going out. I’m a little thirsty and I need to take a walk,” I said jokingly, but still painfully aware of our earlier conversation.

“There is plenty of blood downstairs, there is no need to go out while you are here, you know. Are you forgetting about what we talked about already?”

“I know, it’s just that I prefer it fresher.” I smiled weakly. Despite everything I had told her, I remained guarded. I was barely able to admit this new need to myself, let alone to her, but the look on her face told me that she wasn’t buying my excuses. “Besides, it’s nice out and I thought I would stroll through town. I need some time to think.” I tried to push past her nonchalantly.

“You can take a walk in the garden. Or down to the lake,” she replied, crossing her arms as she stood her ground in front of the door. “Quit trying to joke with me, Will. You’re going to go to
her
aren’t you?” she said sweetly.  It wasn’t really a question because she already knew the answer.  I guess I couldn’t hide anything from her or at least not for very long.

I hesitated before answering her. “Yes, well, I suppose I am. I mean, I was going to go out anyway. Maybe I would wander to her house.” Just thinking about Julia was making the pressure in my chest worsen.

“I know we think that she will be the one to help you, but I have to ask. Do you think you can you control yourself around her when you’re like this?” Her tone was serious. “I mean, you said that you were drawn to her blood. Maybe you shouldn’t go alone.”

Part of me knew that she was right, but I was still hurt by her accusations. “I can control myself. I was fine when I was alone with her in the auditorium.” I was becoming confident that the mystery that surrounded her — and my attraction to her — would keep her safe. I needed her now to help me figure myself out.  “I know that you want to help me, but you don’t need to go with me like a babysitter. This is something I have to do by myself.” I stormed past her and out into the night.

The neighborhood was quiet. It had never been very active, which is part of the reason that my family was able to stay here after all these years... no nosy neighbors who tried to learn too much. The houses sat back from the road a bit, each one situated on large sprawling lawns. It wasn’t like the city, where the houses breathed on each other. The streetlights created eerie shadows that played on the asphalt and the grass. I walked quickly, trying not to draw any attention. Just someone out for an evening walk. Within a few minutes, I had reached her house.

There was a solitary light on, but it wasn’t in the living room. She was not at the piano tonight, which made me painfully aware of the gnawing in my chest.  It must be her bedroom light, because she was standing in front, gazing out. I stood by a tree, just out of range of the lamp light spilling on the lawn. I was struck by her beauty, even in her t-shirt and sweat pants. Her hair was pulled up in a ponytail, save for a few strands that fell in front of her green eyes. I could sense her sadness.

“She does have a certain appeal, doesn’t she?” Celia was beside me and I turned, startled, to glare at her.

“That doesn’t help. What are you doing, following me? I told you I don’t need a babysitter.” I couldn’t hide the annoyance in my tone.

“Stalk much?” she said lifting an eyebrow in accusation. “I was only kidding. And no, I am not babysitting you. Just curious,” she chided.

Julia squinted out the window and we flattened ourselves against the tree, hoping to disappear as we became one with the shadows. She looked quizzical for a moment, rubbing her hand across her wrinkled brow. Suddenly, she turned on her heel and was gone. I could hear her tread through the house as she walked. Then, I heard the piano bench pull out softly. She was going to play. This is what I had hoped for.

She sat in the dark, but my vision made it possible to see her silhouette as she sat at the piano. She placed her hands upon the keys and began to play, slowly and quietly. The song gradually grew in intensity, and I could feel her emotions swirl around her as they changed. She was content. She was happy when she played. This must be the cause of the turmoil I sensed within her. She may feel sadness, but when she played, the feelings were replaced by joy. I felt the same. When she played, she made me happy as well. My cold heart warmed, and I suddenly longed for another existence so different from the one I had been enjoying.  My mind went back to the scene that first entered my mind this afternoon of Julia and me at the piano. Celia was right, I did want more. Julia made me want to be better. She made me want to reawaken my soul. I finally began to realize why my father and Cee were always so happy. Being human meant so much more.

Julia’s song stopped, but she didn’t get up. She stayed at the keys and flexed her fingers lightly over them. A deep sigh escaped her lips, and I could sense her contentment. The bench creaked lightly when she finally got up and walked back through the house. I sat back against the tree not wanting to move.

“Will, I think you’re okay here,” Celia’s voice was barely above a whisper. “I will just meet you at home.” She placed her hand on mine and squeezed.

I barely heard her leave, as I was too distracted. I couldn’t tear my eyes from the girl who had gone back to her bedroom. It only took a few moments for her to settle into bed and fall asleep. I could see her through the open curtains, and the rising moon made shadows play across her face, which began to soften with sleep. I wanted nothing more than to go into her room and hold her while she slept. I wanted to let her warmth heat my cold body. I wanted to caress her cheek and feel her hair play across my skin. Most of all, I wanted her to play for me. I wanted all of this more than anything in the world; I just didn’t know how to get it. I didn’t know how to fight the darkness inside of me. How could I stop what had become second nature to me? I couldn’t do any of the things I’d envisioned because she hadn’t invited me in.  She hadn’t given me permission to be in her life. I could only hope that someday, she would.