A Scandalous Marriage (26 page)

“She is my life,” he said.

“Then you should tell her so,” Charlotte gently advised.

Devon wasn’t sure. “If I knew why she was hoarding money, I would feel better.”

“Because you wish to know all her secrets?”

“Because then I could trust her,” Devon said and paused. The import of his response struck him between the eyes. He sat up, suddenly uncertain.

“So, perhaps you have discovered a wall between you, Devon.”

He couldn’t speak. He’d believed he’d forgiven Leah everything, but he hadn’t. Still lingering in the back of his mind was the sense that if she had spurned him once, she could do so again.

Charlotte crossed to him. The air had grown cooler, and she hugged her shawl around her shoulders.

“There is something you are not telling me. That is fine—but whatever it is, you must let it go. It is not enough to give love, you must also give trust.”

“I thought I had.”

“You may have, but remember,
cher,
a woman is not like a man. A caring, compassionate woman does not give her favors easily, and she falls apart a little when she discovers she has put faith in an unworthy man. Even I have always been very careful about the men I choose.”

“
I
wasn’t the unworthy one,” he countered stoutly and then stopped. “How did you know?”

“What? That perhaps there was someone else in her life? Why else would you not trust her? Men are simple, Devon. They have only one issue, and that is faithfulness.”

“I fear she could leave me again,” he admitted quietly. “It hurt, Charlotte, when she refused me. The pain was real. I fear that is why she wants the money… in case she decides to leave.”

Charlotte knelt in front of him and covered his hands with hers. “Then you have discovered a wall between you.”

It was true. It made sense, especially when he remembered when Leah had asked for the money. “What do I do?”

“Tell her what is in your heart, Devon. It sounds as if the two of you barely knew each other but there was always something special there. I have been your friend for a long time. You are a man with a true depth of emotion, and you have found someone special. Don’t lose her, Devon. Worse, don’t drift away from her and let these wonderful feelings of love you have now die from neglect.”

“And let her hoard all the money she wants?”

“Maybe she needs that right now. She has fears, too.” Charlotte rose. “It is frightening to be a woman without money. The world is not kind to us. Be patient, Devon. Give her time.”

He came to his feet, took her hand, and kissed it. “What you are suggesting is not easy. I am not a patient man.”

“It will be worth it,
cher”

“I want the two of you to meet. You will be at the ball tomorrow night?”

“The event of our age?” Charlotte asked with mock reverence.

Devon laughed. “Venetia is not taking well to Leah’s presence. However, when Grandfather suggested Leah help with the planning of the ball, it motivated Venetia to take it all over herself and plan the grandest ball of the Season. Grandfather has given her carte blanche.”

“How is your wife handling Venetia’s overbearing ways?”

He shook his head. “The further away Leah is from my aunt, the happier she is.”

“A wise woman,” Charlotte said.

“I will see you tomorrow evening.” He kissed her hand again and took his leave.

While Devon was at Charlotte’s, Leah had taken Ben to her parents’ house. Her mother played with Ben. She cooed at him. He cooed back.

“He is so precious,” she said.

“Devon can make him laugh. He becomes so excited when he hears his papa. Even Lord Kirkeby acts silly in Ben’s presence. This baby will be the most spoiled child in the kingdom.”

“And is that so bad?” her mother asked Ben. He gifted her with one of his rare smiles, and she laughed with joy.

Leah and her mother had grown close once more. Relations were good with her family—with the exception of Julian.

“Have you heard from Julian?” Leah asked.

“No,” her mother said curtly. “He is better off in Spain, Leah. Away from here, he will have a chance to think and perhaps realize that no good comes from hate.”

Hate. It was a brutal word. She’d had more than her fill from Venetia, and she didn’t trust Rex at all. He smiled to her face, pleasant, charming, occasionally delightful—but she sensed he was biding his time.

“Will it ever end?” she asked.

“It has been going on for centuries,” her mother answered. “It is unrealistic to believe the distrust and animosity would end because we have settled our differences. It is enough of a miracle that Lord Kirkeby can set aside the sword. Ah, now, please, don’t worry. Think of the future. Of your son.”

“I do…”

“But?”

Leah shook her head, uncertain whether to continue.

“What is it,
cara?
What makes you so sad? You should be happy. You have everything a woman could want.”

“Yes,” Leah agreed, the regret of her doubts lingering in the word. She bowed her head. “What I don’t understand is how to live with the weight of my past mistakes. They haunt me. I wake in the night and can’t sleep, wishing I had done things differently. But if I had, then there would be no Ben. I seem damned either way.”

Her mother hugged her close. “There isn’t one of us who doesn’t have regrets. Some of what we fear is that our sins are so heavy there can be no atonement. But there is. You forgave me, and even more of a blessing, you have been returned to me safe and unharmed.” She paused. “And wiser.”

“I believe it much easier to forgive others than to forgive myself.”

“You are correct,” her mother agreed sadly. Her voice carried the regret of experience. “The hardest part, Leah, is forgiving ourselves. Those who love us go on, and we should too. Do not linger over events you cannot change. Worse, sometimes there are mistakes of judgment that are not public knowledge.

Secrets that we carry in our hearts. We fear confessing them because the consequences of atonement might cost more than we are willing to pay.”

A hollowness in her mother’s voice caught Leah’s attention. She had not meant to burden her mother with her worries. Covering her mother’s hand with her own, she attempted to lighten her tone as she said,

“Thank you. I will try to leave the past behind.”

Her mother nodded. “You must. For the sake of those you love. They are all that is important. In Devon’s arms and in the lives of your children, you will find peace.”

In Devon’s arms.

There was another question she had wanted to ask. She knew of no one else she could turn to. “Mama, how do you let a man know it is all right to use his stick with you again?”

Her mother blinked. “Stick? Your Papa loves me. He would never beat me. Has Huxhold beat you?”

“No,” Leah said hurriedly, “but I’m not talking about a stick but a
stick
.”

“A stick that is not a stick?” Her mother’s accented English made the question sound inane.

Leah raised her hand to her forehead. She wasn’t doing this well. She tried to explain. “Remember Mae, my maid? She explained to me about men and women. She called that part of men a stick.” She made a harried gesture with her hands to explain herself, unable to use words.

“Ahhhh,” her mother said with understanding.

She inched closer to Leah on the sofa. “You have questions about the marriage bed?”

“Yes,” Leah said, relieved. “The marriage bed. That sounds better than stick.”

“And you have not asked Huxhold these questions?”

“After the baby I feared asking in case he thought me well enough to, well,
you know.
The idea of a man doing
that
to me in the weeks after Ben—” She broke off with a shiver.

“Understandably,
cara
. But now you are starting to wonder?”

“Yes.” She was more than starting to wonder. Devon paraded himself nude in front of her all the time.

She had grown accustomed to the sight of the male body, but lately she had been feeling something else.

Something called
desire.
It was becoming increasingly difficult to lie in his arms at night and not want more. Especially when his kisses had the power to turn her inside out. But Leah had turned shy. How did a woman ask her husband to make love to her? Especially when she feared the act itself?

There had been pain with David Draycutt, but she was willing to suffer the small discomfort for Devon.

She wanted to please him.

Her mother laughed softly. “It is not difficulty Leah. Tell your husband what you just told me, but leave off the part about a stick. It is too confusing.”

“I don’t think I could say anything like that to him.” Her face overheated just at the thought of discussing such a subject with Devon.

“Well,” her mother said thoughtfully, “perhaps you can tell him without words.” She whispered in Leah’s ear some of the ways a woman could express herself—if she were bold enough.

Leah waited for what seemed like an eternity for her husband to return home. She knew he’d arrived when she heard the sound of his voice in the nursery. He had stopped to see Ben. He then asked Fiona about Leah’s whereabouts, which was not surprising, since she usually was in the nursery every evening at this time.

But tonight would be different.

A single knock on the door was her only warning before he entered the bedroom. “Leah?”

Her heart slammed against her chest. “I’m here,” she called softly from the other side of the privacy screen. She swallowed. “How was your day?”

“Fine.” She could almost picture him yanking at the knot in his neckcloth. It was the first thing he always did when he came home. He’d even banished the fastidious valet from attending him at any other time than in the morning. It was not a problem, since both she and Devon preferred the quiet of home.

Leah closed her eyes, praying for courage. What she was about to do was the most outrageous thing she’d ever done. She only hoped it wasn’t the most foolish.

Silently counting to three, she stepped out from behind the screen wearing a large linen towel, her hair, and not anything else. She just wished her legs didn’t feel like water.

Devon had started to shrug out of his coat when she made her appearance. He froze, his arms still in the sleeves. He stared, dumbfounded.

She waited. Her mother had assured her she wouldn’t have to do much, not with her husband’s reputation.

But he didn’t move. She wet suddenly dry lips.
Why didn’t he move?
Perhaps she had to be bolder. Or perhaps she was wrong and he was perfectly happy with everything between them exactly the way it was.

She was just preparing to apologize and hop behind the screen and get decently dressed when he said her name.

“Leah.” His hushed inflection made the word sound like a prayer.

Now she must do the second part of her plan. The part her mother assured her would invoke a response out of Devon. Closing her eyes, she released her hold on the towel.

She couldn’t look. She was afraid to. What if he laughed? What if he frowned in disgust at her? Her body had still not returned to its prepregnancy form. She feared it might never return. Her hips seemed wider, her breasts heavier. Panic coursed through her. She shouldn’t have done this. Her head lowered to hide her deep embarrassment, and she reached for the towel lying in a heap around her ankles.

Then he was there. He’d thrown his jacket to the floor. His hand took her arm. “No, don’t.”

She was thankful her hair covered her breasts. She wished it reached lower. “This is silly. I shouldn’t have done it.”

“No,” he emphatically denied. “This is anything but silly.”

She still didn’t have the courage to look at him. His hand slipped up to her hair and he pushed it back, exposing one tightly puckered nipple. He rested his hand on her rib cage, his thumb brushing the curve of her breast. “In fact,” he whispered, “you are beautiful this way. I almost regret buying clothes for you.”

His words made her feel hot and moist. She raised her gaze to his. “Do you think I am beautiful enough to kiss?”

Devon didn’t disappoint. “Oh yes.” His kiss drank deeply. Her full breasts pressed against the material of his shirt. The sensation made her lightheaded. She felt wanton to be naked while he was clothed.

She also felt safe. Devon couldn’t do what Draycutt had—with his breeches on.

The realization startled her. She pulled back. His hold tightened. “What is it?”

She couldn’t tell him. Everything inside of her, the emotions, common sense, rational thinking, it was all jumbled and confused. “I don’t know,” she admitted.

“Leah, don’t be afraid. This is right. It’s the way we are meant to be.”

“I know. I won’t jump. I promise. I’ll stand still.”

Her words stunned him momentarily. Then he drew back, swearing under his breath.

“I’ve made you angry.” She started to turn away.

“No,” he said quickly, his hold tightening. “I’m just frustrated. Draycutt is like a ghost in our past.”

“I don’t think about him,” she lied.

He lifted a dubious eyebrow, but he didn’t challenge her. “Leah, are you sure you are ready to consummate our marriage?”

She nodded miserably.

“Or is it that your body is ready but your mind isn’t?”

“Does it matter?”

“Does it matter?” he repeated incredulously. “Oh, Leah, let me show you.” Before she knew what he was about, Devon lifted her up in his arms and carried her to the bed.

She stiffened. “What are you going to do?”

“Banish ghosts.”

The coverlet felt cool beneath her naked skin. Leah lay back. Devon tugged off his boots. She waited for him to undress… but he didn’t.

Instead, he climbed beside her on the bed, his weight on the mattress rolling her toward him. He kissed her. Lightly at first, but then with growing intensity. His tongue entered her mouth. Slowly, her embarrassment was forgotten and her body no longer felt chilled but warm, fevered even.

She ran her hands along his shoulders and pulled at his shirt, wanting to feel his skin against hers. He caught her hand and held it away. His body covered hers.