A Sea Change (31 page)

“Shit – this is going to sound so dumb.”

“Dumber than what you’ve already told me? How is that even remotely possible?”

“Look, Kay, I need help. Not smart-ass remarks. So, if you’re finished?” The line was quiet for once, and he went on. “There’s another guy. And I get the feeling there’s something going on between them.” Nick looked out across the dark beach. “I don’t want to lose her.”

“So put your hormones on hold and turn your brain back on. Do you love her?”

“Yeah. Maybe. I guess,” he muttered.

“I can’t
hear
you,” she sing-songed.

“All right! I love her. Okay?”

“Have you told
her
that?” Kay asked.

Suddenly a pair of arms gently wrapped themselves around his neck, a pair of lips softly grazed his jaw, and Nick said, “I think I just did.”

He twisted around and reached up to cup the back of Maddy’s head. He brought her mouth down to meet his penitent, hopeful kiss. When he’d heard her silent pardon, Nick said, “Kay? Thanks.”

“Any time, Nicky. And I mean that figuratively.”

Maddy came around the chair, and he pulled her onto his lap.

“There’s nothing going on between us,” she said. “And you’re not going to lose me.”

“Where did you come from?” he asked, pushing the hair away from her face.

She smiled. “Your door was unlocked.”

“That’s not what I mean, Maddy.” He felt the restlessness drain away. “How did I get this lucky?”

“I could ask the same thing.”

Nick shook his head slightly. “My sister said I should have my ass kicked from here to Portland for what I did,” he said. “Maddy, I’m sorry.”

“I know you are.”

Nick looked at her carefully, and he saw an ache had settled around her eyes. “If we’re okay, tell me what’s the matter.”

She looked down at his hands holding hers. “Can I ask you something? About your marriage?”

“Sure.”

Her voice was hesitant. “You said Janet was unfaithful. If you hadn’t found out, what do you think would’ve happened?”

He wasn’t sure he liked the topic she’d brought up.

“What are you trying to say?”

“This isn’t about you and me, Nick. It’s not about Phil.” Maddy lightly rubbed her thumb over his. “Would you have stayed together?”

His words came slowly, as he tried to work the problem out in his mind. “I won’t lie to you. At the time, I thought about it a lot. But things were never right between us. So I’ve gotta think that eventually we’d have ended up the way we are now. Apart.” Nick paused. “For a long time I thought Becky needed the two of us together. I finally figured out she didn’t need what Janet and I were doing to each other, though.” He gave a low chuckle. “Actually, I think Becky figured it out before I ever did. Why?”

Maddy shrugged, then said, “Would you rather not have known about the other man?”

“How about you? Would you rather not have known about Ted’s affair?”

She sighed and looked up. “I think so. It was so humiliating. But then I might not be here now.”

“Then you know what my answer is.” He leaned forward to kiss her. “What’s this all about, Maddy?”

“It’s about the truth. And what it can sometimes do to people.”

“Maddy? Wanna hear the good part about the truth?”

“Tell me,” she said.

Nick’s pulse sped up, but as soon as he began speaking again, it slowed to a satisfying heart-throb.

“It’s that I can say something like ‘I love you’ and mean it, ‘cause those words’ll never come back to haunt me again.”

Journal Entry

July 30

It’s taken me a while to process everything that’s happened the past few days. I was hoping for a little clarity; a little insight. All I’ve gotten is more confused.

Even hearing Nick say he loves me has tangled up my mind.

Is Danny going to have to be one of those secrets I take to my grave? Because the more Nick loves and trusts me, the more trouble I’m in with this promise I’ve made to my brother. If I tell Nick now – or ten years from now – it’s still something I hid from him. Time isn’t going to make any difference. Trust will be eroded, no matter when he finds out. So, what do I do? Is the sin of omission any better than the sin of an out-and-out lie?

Last night I left Danny and went straight to Nick. I wanted to reassure him. Let him know I understand the reason he’d asked me to prove my love for him. I have to confess: in another time and place I might have been flattered. You know – “Isn’t that cute? He’s jealous.” But here and now, the whole thing makes me utterly sad.

When I heard him confess he loves me to his sister, the joy I felt was overpowering. Nothing mattered anymore. For those couple of minutes, I forgot everything else. All the trouble and sorrow and worry fell away. That’s what love should do for you. Take away pain. Even if it’s just for a little while.

I think the other thing love does is give you someone to share with. If I have a problem, I should be able to tell Nick. And having told him, some of the weight would be transferred making my load lighter and a little easier to bear. Isn’t it ironic that I have this huge problem and can’t tell Nick, because I’m afraid that if I do, I’ll lose him?

And then there’s the secret Danny told me.

I’m shocked and disgusted by what I’ve learned about my father. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to look at him again. Every time I think about it, it hits me that he’s the reason the family fell apart – the reason Danny and I lost each other. I’m absolutely enraged, and I don’t know where to put this anger. How do I get rid of it?

He threw away his son for an affair! Made us all think it was Danny’s fault. When he’d catch me crying over it, he’d say, “It was your brother’s choice. He left. Think about
that
, Maddy.” At the time I thought he was just trying to toughen me up – you know, show me the “truth” and I’d eventually see the light. I thought he was trying to help me in his own gruff, fatherly way. Now I know he was doing nothing of the sort. He truly wanted Danny out of his life.

If I look back on those first couple of years Danny was gone, I can see how much more at ease Dad was around the house. Oh, he made a show of hurt and anger and betrayal, but I suppose that was for Mom’s sake. I never seemed to be able to fill up the hole losing Danny left in me, and I remember hearing Dad whistling or joking, and wondering, ‘How can he do that? How is he able to put on such a good act?’

What act, Maddy?

My father was nothing more than a selfish, lying piece of garbage, and I detest him.

Look what he did to Danny. I can’t predict what would’ve happened to Danny if he’d stayed, but I have to think his life might’ve been a little better. A little easier. A couple more years at home and maybe he would’ve talked to me about his feelings. Maybe maturity would have helped him understand his sexuality – come to terms with it. But he was so young. How could he possibly sort it all out on his own? I get the feeling Danny didn’t deal with it at all until he was a lot older, and I wonder how scared he was.

I understand how hard it must be for parents to handle having a child who isn’t “normal” in society’s eyes, but for the most part
they do.
I think Mom would’ve loved Danny – or me – no matter what. But I seriously believe she took her cues from Dad. She never wanted to rock the boat. Always wanted to be sure Dad was happy. Little did she know…

My God. When I was with Ted, I was just like Mom! I never knew what was going on with Dad, and yet somehow I picked up a signal from her:
This is how you live with the man who’s chosen you. This is what you have to do to keep a roof over your head. This is what you have to sacrifice for security.

Mom, you taught me to give up myself, and you didn’t even realize it.

I was being honest when I told Nick I hated knowing about Ted’s infidelity. But now I know an even bigger truth. I
thank God
for knowing. It led me to Nick. And I’m starting to see how these past years have held up my own progress.

I still have a lot to learn. I see that in how I’m dealing with Danny. I don’t want to hurt him anymore than he’s already been hurt. But I need to make him understand how much of my life was lost, too. We both need to find some resolution. I don’t know where it’ll lead Danny.

As for me, I’m hoping for some serenity finally. I’m not sure how that’s going to happen. But it has to.

Chapter
Thirty-Six

What Mary had come to think of as “Nick’s family” stood on her front porch, all three of them grinning.

Becky, standing in front of Nick and Maddy, held out a paper scroll tied with a blue ribbon, and said, “Happy birthday, Mary! How old are you gonna be?”

Maddy laughed, as Nick nudged his daughter and exclaimed, “Becky! You don’t ask grown-ups stuff like that.”

Mary looked down at the little girl. “There are two times in life you don’t mind being asked that question: when you’re very young and when you’re very old.” She bent to take the rolled-up paper from Becky, and whispered her answer, to which Becky replied, “But I don’t know my times that high yet.” Mary smiled, and said, “That should give you an incentive to learn them.” She straightened up and untied the ribbon. “Now, what are you three up to?”

“Read it out loud!” Becky chirped.

Mary took her glasses out of her smock pocket. “Greetings in God to all who read this document. Be it known that it has pleased us to honor, for the anniversary of her birth, Mary Delfino, and to furnish her with the following: An all-expenses paid expedition to Victoria, British Columbia – oh, my goodness! – situated on the island known as Vancouver…” She paused to compose herself. “This is too much. I won’t allow you to do this.”

“Sorry, lady,” Nick said. “It’s all arranged.”

“Besides, it means we get to go, too,” Maddy added.

“Read the rest of it!” Becky said.

Mary swallowed the lump in her throat. “The New Britain Inn will provide room and private bath. A tour of the opulent Butchart Gardens will be followed by high tea, served by the competent staff of the Empress Hotel between three and five p.m. on August fifth.” Mary’s voice quavered. “The establishment known as Murchie’s has been forewarned of Dame Delfino’s visit, and has agreed to be well-stocked with the lady’s favored Darjeeling Blend tea.”

“Daddy,” Becky reprimanded. “You said it would make Mary glad, but she’s crying.”

“Happy tears, dear.” Mary put her arms around Maddy and Nick, and kissed them. “What a wonderful gift.”

Becky, her voice muffled by Mary’s skirt, stated, “I drew the fishes and the mermaid.”

“Very beautiful.”

Satisfied with the outcome of the surprise, Becky looked up at her father. “Can I go play with Chloe now? Maddy said it was okay.”

“Sure, but be careful. Stay in the house or on the deck.” Nick watched her skip away. “We’re leaving for the movies in an hour,” he called after her. “Don’t wander off!” Nick followed Maddy into Mary’s house, saying, “Did you leave your door unlocked again?”

“Does it matter?” Maddy answered.

Nick drank the last of his iced tea. “So, we’re all set, right? Wednesday morning at nine.”

“I’m still astounded,” Mary said from her chair in the shade.

Nick grinned. “That’s what I do to women.” He glanced at Maddy, who blushed.

Mary raised an eyebrow in amusement. “Yes. I’m sure you do.”

Maddy stood. “We’d better get going if we’re going to make the one-thirty show.”

“Yeah,” Nick said. “Do me a favor? See if Becky’s ready.” He gave Mary a play-along-with-me-look. “I’ll take care of Mary’s shower head and meet you in a couple of minutes.”

Mary followed Nick into the house with a feeling of trepidation, which became alarm when he turned to her and said, “What do you really think of Phil?”

She had kept her thoughts to herself until that moment. Her qualms about this Phil Madvick had begun to seem silly. The overwrought imaginings of age and illness. Nothing seemed to have changed on the beach, except Nick and Maddy were closer than before his discovery. Now Mary was seeing an uncertainty in Nick which brought back those initial feelings of dread.

She chose her words carefully. “I think he isn’t what he seems.”

“That’s just what I’ve been thinking.”

“Do you not trust him, Nick? Because that would be perfectly understandable. You don’t know him. No one here does.”

“I don’t trust him around Maddy. I don’t know why, and it’s driving me crazy.” His nervous energy had returned. “Come on, Mary. You’re the one with the sixth sense. Tell me I’m wrong.”

Mary didn’t know how to respond. Did she tell him of her premonitions? They’d been so vague.

She finally said, “You don’t doubt Madeleine’s love, do you, Nick?”

Mary’s heart sank at his small hesitation before he answered with a shake of his head, and she said nothing.

“I want him off the beach,” Nick suddenly said, echoing her thoughts. “How the hell do I do that?” He walked to the picture window and stared out at the water. “Why didn’t I have him arrested right off the bat? It would’ve been simple. But for some stupid reason it didn’t even occur to me.”

“Don’t punish yourself for being good-hearted, Nick.”

He turned to Mary. “It’s not like he’s done anything wrong since I found him. He’s worked his tail off. But when he even mentions Maddy’s name I feel my whole body tighten up. It’s like – I don’t know – he’s got some kind of special connection to her. When he talks about her it sounds so intimate.”

“This isn’t something I would normally advise, but have you thought of going through his things?”

“Yeah, I’ve thought about it. I just can’t bring myself to do it.”

“Then there’s only one other thing I can suggest. If you feel he’s paid off his debt to the beach, tell him as much and send him on his way.”

Mary’s front door burst open, and Maddy’s distraught voice reached them.

“I can’t find Becky!”

Nick met her in the hallway. “She’s not at my place?”

“I checked.” She was breathless with panic. “She’s nowhere between here and the stairway.”

He smiled. “Not hard to tell you don’t spend much time around eight-year-olds. They have really selective hearing.” Nick led Maddy out the door, and waved to Mary. “I’m pretty sure I know where she is.”

But the mermaid sat alone on her rock. No little blonde friend kept her company. Nick was more annoyed than worried, but Maddy’s hand had become a vise around his.

*****

“What’re you doing?”

Phil looked up from his sketch, searching for the owner of the voice on the path above. Even from that distance, he recognized the girl immediately. Photographs of Nick’s daughter littered Maddy’s place, and when he’d seen the color studio shot on Nick’s dresser, he’d put two-and-two together.

He turned the pad around and held it up in the sunlight.

“Drawing,” he answered.

She stepped closer to the edge.

“What is it?”

With the charcoal pencil he held, Phil pointed toward the back deck of George Gustafson’s house. “That blue heron getting a suntan.”

Becky’s eyes followed his hand until she saw the regal bird calmly standing on the railing.

“How come it’s not flying away?”

Phil shrugged. “I guess it likes us.”

“I can draw, too.”

Phil liked kids, and vice versa. They were uncomplicated and honest, and they hadn’t yet developed the prejudices adults had.

“I have an extra pencil,” he said. “Wanna join me?”

She hesitated. “I’m s’posed to stay at Maddy’s house and play with Chloe. And then we’re going to the movies. And I’m not s’posed to talk to strangers.”

Phil smiled. “Well, I’m an old friend of Maddy’s. I saw the picture she took of you and the mermaid.”

She was trying to make up her mind.

“You’re Becky, right?”