A Shameful Secret (23 page)

The slightly withdrawn, reserved girl she had been had turned into a beautiful and confident woman. It was in her eyes, in the new way she had of doing her hair, which madame had suggested, and in her bearing.

“That gown becomes you,” Charlotte told her when she saw it finished, “but you do look very different, Hester. I wonder if Paul will like it.”

“I hope he will,” Hester replied. “If he does not, I shall not wear it.”

She could hardly wait for his arrival. They had been out in company almost every night since they came to town, but only to small private parties, friends of Lady Holbeach or Charlotte. Most members of Society had gone to Brighton or Bath for the hottest month of the year while others were at their country estates, and so no large gatherings were held. Some of the people they met were those who hardly ever left town, and also mothers and daughters bent on buying new gowns for a visit to Brighton or some other pleasure trip.

It was towards the end of the week that Hester received a second note. She had been out to the milliner’s with Geraldine and bought herself four new hats, some evening gloves, and dancing slippers, and she was feeling pleased with her purchases, which were to be delivered that afternoon.

The note was lying on the silver salver in the hall, and she picked it up, taking it upstairs to read. Opening it, she felt a shiver down her spine as she recognized the writing and the phrasing. This time, it said that an appointment with destiny awaited her and she would soon learn something that she needed to know.

Hester put the note with the first, locking it in her writing cabinet. She was thoughtful for it had occurred to her that someone was trying to punish her. If they truly had something important to tell her, why did they not just say? The purpose of these notes must be to distress her—but she would not allow herself to be distressed. She would simply forget them. Blackmailers were despicable and should be ignored.

She changed into an afternoon gown and went downstairs. As she did so she heard a man’s voice and her heart caught, because it was Paul. He must have arrived after she had gone up to change. He came out into the hall as she reached the bottom of the imposing staircase and smiled at her, making her heart thump madly.

“You are back! I thought I heard your voice.” She betrayed her pleasure in his return without realising it.

“Hester, dearest,” he said and came to her taking the hand she offered and raising it to drop a kiss on the palm. Hester felt a quiver of desire wing its way through her body as she saw the burning look in his eyes and knew that he wanted to kiss her, perhaps much more. “Forgive me for leaving you so abruptly. I had important business.”

“Yes, of course,” she said, thinking that she would forgive him anything if he looked at her that way. “But I am glad to see you here, Paul.”

“Charlotte told me that you are well advanced with your wardrobe. You have had several fittings and any adjustments may be made when the garments are delivered. The modiste is to send two of her girls to make any adjustments to your clothes and my cousin’s.”

“Yes, she has been most generous with her time. I have some lovely gowns, Paul, which I hope you will approve.”

His eyes narrowed, his gaze dark and smouldering as he looked at her. “You do not need my approval, though I am sure I shall give it—but you are free to choose as you will.”

“Thank you . . .” She felt warm beneath that smouldering gaze, her stomach clenching in a spasm of what she knew was desire. Her lips parted, for she was aware that he wanted her, as indeed she wanted him. Her former experience had not soured her for passion, despite Richard Mortimer’s selfishness that day, and she longed for her wedding night. “But I would not wish to wear anything you thought unsuitable.”

“Hester, you must not . . .” He broke off as his aunt came out into the hall. “Believe me, you could not displease me, my darling,” he said and then turned to Lady Holbeach. “Yes, you are very right, Aunt. I am not fit to be seen and must put myself in the hands of my valet immediately.” He smiled wickedly, inclined his head to her, and ran up the stairs.

“I am glad that he has seen you,” Lady Holbeach said with an indulgent look. “He was on fire to know where you were, and I think he would have come to you in your chamber if I had not reminded him that he must wait another three weeks for such privileges.”

From her tone, she was teasing Hester, and she smiled at the little jest. Paul would never have come to her room like that—or would he? It was not proper, of course, but in her case, he might think it allowable. After all, she was not an innocent. She had known a man’s loving, and she had given birth to a child. Paul loved her, but he did not necessarily respect her as he would have had she been innocent. The thought took a little of the sparkle from her eyes, but in a moment, she was smiling.

She had almost all she wanted of life and must think herself fortunate. It would be foolish to let small slights hurt her. She must accept that she was tainted by shame and take what she could of life.

* * * *

Paul frowned as he allowed his valet to help him into clothes more suitable for town, ignoring the comments on his riding boots, which had suffered neglect while he was away. He had travelled alone, dispensing with the services of his valet, much to that person’s displeasure, but his mission had been private, and he did not want anyone to know where he had been or why for the moment. However, it was not his valet’s comments, which had brought the frown to his forehead.

Why did Hester imagine that she must seek approval for her gowns? He recalled that she had seemed a little tearful and grateful after he had dismissed her confession and told her that he loved her too much for it to make a difference. Or had he made it plain that whatever she might have done in the past, it could not change his love for her? The future was another matter. He was as jealous and possessive of the woman he loved as any other man and would not stand for her taking a lover, but he did not fear it. Hester’s honesty would not allow it. If she wished to end their marriage at any time, she would be open about it.

She would not want to end it! Paul’s mind rejected the idea immediately. He was certain that she loved him as much as he loved her—but did she understand how much she meant to him?

It was true that he had felt a sharp, hurtful disappointment when she told him that she had given birth to another man’s child, perhaps because it was so unexpected. If she had been a widow and the child was her husband’s he would not have thought twice about it. At one time, it had been his intention to seek out such a woman so that they might have a comfortable, pleasant life together. Falling in love with Hester had put paid to that idea. His feelings for her were beyond anything he had ever expected to feel, and he was determined to make up for all the pain and humiliation that had been heaped upon her since her seduction.

After leaving Hester on the evening of the dance, he had sought out Richard Mortimer and had a frank talk with him. From Richard, he had learned the truth of that fateful afternoon, and other things that had interested him. Including the name of the person who owned the estate to which Hester had been taken when she was kidnapped.

“It is not certain proof,” Richard told him. “But it gives us pause for thought, does it not? Since the estate belongs to Blackwater’s uncle, who now lives in Bath for the sake of his health.”

“Hester may well have been right.”

“Yes.” Richard had frowned. “She has told you of the child, of course. She would not have taken you without confessing the whole.”

“Yes. I have accepted it, though I would hear your side of it, Mortimer. Why did you not marry her?”

“It was my fault and mine alone,” Mortimer had told him honestly, explaining the circumstances. “I ruined Hester’s life, and I would have made it up to her if she would let me—but she prefers you, Crawford. Perhaps she is wise. I am not as decent or as wealthy as you, and I might let her down again. You will take care of her, won’t you?”

“Yes, of course. What will you do now?”

“You knew that my grandfather has died?”

“Yes, I did hear. I am sorry.”

“He had been suffering for some months. It was a blessing for him.”

“Yes, I daresay.”

“Everything comes to me, of course, though laden with debt. My lawyer has an offer for the estate, which is as good as I can expect to get. I shall sell and then I shall travel—perhaps to Italy.”

“You will not see Hester again?”

“I hardly think it necessary. You will tell her where to find the child?”

“You have my word on it.”

“Then I shall leave the field clear for you. I shall not see her, but I shall remain near until you marry. If you should default . . .”

“You need not fear it, but come to the wedding if you wish.”

“Do you truly mean that?” Richard looked at him in disbelief for most men would probably have wished him dead if they had just discovered the truth of the matter. “I do not think I could been as forgiving if I were you.”

“I am not in the habit of saying things I do not mean—except in jest, of course, and that was not in jest, Mortimer. In some strange way, I owe my happiness to you.” Had Hester not been subjected to the ordeal that had kept her unwed for years, he might never have known her—never have found the love of his life.

“Then I accept. I have business at my estate that will keep me busy for a few weeks—but I shall come to see Hester wed and to wish her happiness.”

They had shaken hands, and then Mortimer had departed. Paul had spent some time pacing in his study before deciding what to do next, but once his mind was set, he had acted immediately. Now he wondered if it might have been better to wait for a while. Hester was labouring under a debt of gratitude, and that was something he did not want from her. She was beautiful, intelligent and proud, and he would not see her pride humbled out of a sense of gratitude to him. Somehow, he must find a way to take back the words he had spoken involuntarily that night. He had spoken without thinking, but his careless words had hurt her.

He must make her understand that his love was all consuming, and that far from being grateful to him, she was conferring the greatest gift she could by consenting to becoming his wife. A small, unworthy part of him might wish that she came to him untouched, but he had put his regret aside. He loved her too much to do otherwise.

It had been his intention to give her a special gift, but for the moment, he might do more harm than good. He would wait until after they were married. Once she was his wife, truly his in every way, she would understand.

They returned to Longstanton Hall two days later, after attending the marriage of Lucinda and Josh. This time, Hester was able to ride with Paul some of the way, which she found extremely pleasant. Indeed, every moment she spent in his company was a delight to her, for he seemed intent on making her happy and was always thinking of some way to please her. Sometimes the gift of a book of poems by one of her favorite poets or perhaps a posy of flowers, a trinket of little value that awaited her on her breakfast tray in the morning. Sometimes it was simply an excursion planned for the future, which he knew she would enjoy, or a pretty compliment about her looks or her music. He had also given her a beautiful ruby and diamond engagement ring that fitted her perfectly.

Hester wondered why he had chosen a ruby, for it was said that a good woman was beyond the price of rubies, which were one of the most highly valued stones, especially a magnificent stone like hers.

However, her doubts had flown, for it was clear that he had not suffered regrets and was looking forward to their wedding. He kissed her whenever they had a chance to be alone, which was usually when they went for a walk in the gardens, but he was always respectful. His kisses might convey his hunger and his need, might sweep her to the very edge, but he never pressed any other lovemaking on her. Considering that she was not a virgin, he might well have done so, but he contented himself with holding her hand or putting a casual arm about her waist. He could not have been any more the gentleman if she had been a naïve girl of seventeen, and she appreciated his consideration. He was in deed and manner, a perfect gentleman.

Lady Longstanton was delighted that they were back and had immediately carried Hester off to her own sitting room, where she had collected several gifts that had arrived for her while they were away. Because they were marrying in such a short time and had not given an engagement ball, everyone was sending wedding presents.

“I thought we might give a little dance two days before the wedding,” her hostess told her. “It will be easier than having two large affairs before the ceremony. Do you agree, my dear—or do you wish for an engagement party?”

“No, not at all,” Hester said, for she knew that they had been invited out to several dinners in the meantime and were giving one themselves that very evening. “I shall be quite content with what you have arranged, ma’am.”

“Oh, you must not be so formal,” Lady Longstanton said. “I would like it if you would call me Ellie. I do not ask you to call me Mama, as you have your own mother, though you may do so if you wish.”

“I shall call you Ellie,” Hester said for the name suited her very well. “If you do not think it too familiar of me.”