A Sinful Calling (15 page)

H
ey, baby,” Raven said, strutting into Dillon's office, smiling at him.

“So how was your lunch meeting?”

She took a seat in one of the chairs sitting in front of his desk. “It was good. I met with my three favorite first-lady friends. We hadn't gotten together in a while.”

“I love that the four of you connect the way you do from time to time.”

Dillon was trying his best to talk about anything he could, hoping to delay the conversation he didn't want to have.

“It's always a great get-together, and you know I wanted to share my news with them. But I figured I would wait until we announce it to our congregation. Enough about my friends, though. What happened after I left the meeting? I'm dying to hear what everyone had to say.”

Dillon sighed. “Well, I've spent the last couple of hours trying to figure out how to tell you.”

Raven frowned. “How to tell me what?”

“They all voted no. Every single one of them.”

“No way. Why would they do that? Especially with them knowing how much you support me on this. You did tell them that, right?”

“I didn't have a chance. As soon as you left, they discussed it, took a vote, and that was that.”

“And you didn't speak up for me? You let them vote against me right to your face? Please tell me you didn't.”

Dillon got up, walked around his desk, and sat down next to her. “Baby, I know you really wanted this, but I can't cause problems with my elders. Not when I need them to help build up the membership. I need them to help us get to a point where you and I will never have to want for anything. And I know that's what you've been wanting, too.”

Raven seemed stunned. “Oh…my…God. I don't believe this. You still betrayed me after all. Even though you agreed to let me come speak to the board.”

“I didn't betray you, but my hands were tied. I'm caught in the middle, and I need you to understand that. You'll be co-pastor soon enough, though,” he said, reaching for any lie or false guarantee he could muster. “But now isn't the right time.”

“Please. You must think I'm some naïve child. Or that I don't have a brain in my head.”

“Baby, that's not true. This is a church, but it's also no different than running a business, and we have to handle things a certain way.”

Raven stared at him as though she wanted to murder him. “You never wanted me to be co-pastor. You think all this is yours, but if it weren't for me, this church wouldn't be nearly where it is today. Levi may have invested all the dollars, but it was my knowledge and good judgment that made all the difference.”

“And I always give you credit for everything you've done. Always, baby.”

Raven stared at him again, her eyes colder than before. “You have to fix this.”

“How?”

“Well, for one thing you can easily get Vincent to change his vote. The man is your best friend. And Levi loves you like a brother, so I know you can change his mind, too. You can make this happen if you want.”

“And I will, but not until some time passes.”

“How much time, Dillon?”

“Maybe a year at the most. Hopefully sooner.”

“That's too long. And what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Huh?”

“The same as you've always been doing: being the best first lady you can be.”

Raven tightened her face in disgust, and then there was a knock at the door.

“Come in,” Dillon said.

Alicia opened the door. “Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were in here, Raven.”

Alicia looked upset and as though she'd been crying, and that concerned Dillon. Something wasn't right.

“No,” Raven said. “I'm glad you're here because I have a question for you. Were you in on this with your brother the whole time?”

Alicia frowned. “Excuse me? What are you talking about?”

“Alicia, please don't try to insult my intelligence. I know you think you're better than me. You've always thought you were better than everyone. But sweetheart, I don't care who your daddy is, and from now on, I don't care about you being my sister-in-law, either. I knew you were going to try to stop me from being pastor. I knew it the moment you laughed at me at dinner two Sundays ago. And then I saw you texting on your phone when I was addressing the board this morning. You were making sure all the elders knew how you felt.”

Alicia raised her hand. “Raven, you know what? I don't even have time for this. Dillon, can you just call me when you're free?”

“I will.”

Raven got up. “No, you can talk to him now, because I'm done here. But I will say this. It would seem to me that instead of always putting your nose in my business, you'd be somewhere praying about what you did. You whored around on your husband, and now he's dead. Yet you've got the nerve to be worrying about what I'm doing? Please.”

Raven strutted back out in the same manner she'd come in and slammed the door behind her.

Alicia looked at Dillon. “She took it a lot worse than I thought.”

“Tell me about it, but you have a seat. What's wrong?”

“Nothing, I just wanted to make sure you had the latest financial report from Lynette, and here's the revised marketing plan we created on our end,” she said, passing it to him. “The firm will be bringing copies of what they've put together, but I also wanted us to have ours on hand, just in case they miss something we really want to include.”

“Sounds good, but are you sure you're okay? Your eyes look swollen.”

“I'm fine,” she said. “Just a busy day.”

Dillon didn't believe her, but he didn't press her any further.

When Alicia left, he thought about the catastrophe that would be waiting for him at home this evening, and he already dreaded it. He then thought about his dad for no reason, but quickly pushed him out of his mind. That was only for a few seconds, though, because it wasn't long before his dad crossed his mind again. Dillon wished he could just forget about the man. Erase him from his life for good. Technically, Curtis wasn't in his life, but he was still Dillon's father, and not having a loving father-son relationship bothered Dillon. He didn't know why a grown man his age couldn't just move on. Why he couldn't get beyond needing to get revenge on him. If only his father would wake up one day and let bygones be bygones, Dillon wouldn't have to hurt him.

Dillon wished, once again, that he could have a drink. On Sunday after church when Raven had taken a nap, he'd drunk two of the beers from his trunk. Then he'd drunk the other two on Monday before heading back over to Porsha's. He was surprised that neither Raven nor Porsha had noticed that he chewed gum a lot more. He even kept mouthwash in his car and offices now. He'd also been popping Altoids whenever he thought about it.

He knew he'd said he would only have the one drink at Benny's, but drinking made him feel good, and he liked it.

Still, he knew it wasn't good for him, so he took a deep breath. “Lord, give me strength. Keep me from tipping down that awful path again. Help me to stay clean and sober.”

Dillon kept his eyes shut, hoping his prayer would be answered. But at the same time, he just wanted to have one drink one last time—just one more, and that would finally be it. So he pulled the flask of vodka from his desk and took a nice, long swig. The bite of it was as strong as ever, and it eased into his bloodstream very quickly. He leaned back in his chair and enjoyed it.

A
licia slowly opened her eyes, but they still felt heavy. She blinked a few times, trying to bring them into focus, and looked at the digital clock on her nightstand. It was eight a.m. Could she really have slept fourteen hours straight? She couldn't have. So she lay there thinking back to the day before. She actually had to think pretty hard, but then she remembered. Some woman had sent her that blistering email, and she'd been devastated. She'd felt like she was having a nervous breakdown, and then that voice had begun haunting her again. It had pushed her a lot further toward the edge than it had in the past, but when she'd begun renouncing the devil and praying for peace, it had gone away. However, it had started up again, whispering only every now and then. She'd sat at her desk, telling herself that the voice wasn't real and that it was only Satan trying to trick her, but the whispers had soon gotten to be too much—especially when she'd started wondering if going home to get her gun was, in fact, her only option.

She'd seriously considered it, but this terrifying moment had also made her decide to tell someone. Levi had been the first person she'd thought of, but then she'd changed her mind. The reason: She didn't want her husband thinking he was married to a lunatic. She just couldn't live with him looking at her as though she belonged in an insane asylum and constantly monitoring her every move. So she'd decided, instead, to go to Dillon. However, when she'd arrived at her brother's office, his annoying wife had been there, and that had changed everything. Raven had obviously gone off on Dillon, and she'd made sure to give Alicia a piece of her mind, too. Raven had eventually stormed out of Dillon's office, but by then, Alicia had lost the courage to tell him that something wasn't right with her. He'd asked her what was wrong, but she'd blown his question off and just given him information for their marketing meeting. That in itself had been a struggle, because throughout the entire meeting, the voice had kept whispering to her. Even now, she wondered how she'd made it through the whole two hours without screaming at the top of her lungs. She'd felt the same way last week when she'd had lunch with Melanie, and that was the reason she'd left the church yesterday as soon as the meeting had adjourned. She'd then gone straight to the pharmacy and purchased the strongest over-the-counter sleep aid she could find, as it had been the only thing she could think to do to silence the voice.

Right after Phillip had passed, her primary care physician had prescribed her a couple of sleep medications, too, but both of them had caused her to have nightmares. At first, she'd thought she could handle them, especially since she was finally sleeping more than two or three hours at a time, but soon those nightmares had started to feel too real. She remembered once trying to wake up from one of them and not being able to. When she had, her body had felt like lead and almost as if she were paralyzed. So she figured this time, she'd try something a lot less potent that hopefully had fewer side effects.

Alicia wondered if Levi was already gone, although he rarely left before nine. She, however, had decided last night that she was taking the day off to get proper rest.

Alicia lay there, thinking how good it felt to sleep for so many hours, but she wondered if the dose she'd taken was a bit too strong for her. She hadn't thought so when she'd purchased the medication, but now that she was awake, she still felt as though she could drop back off in a second. All she'd have to do was close her eyes.

But as she slowly shut them, Levi walked into the bedroom.

He sat down beside her. “You awake?”

“Not really.”

“Are you okay? You barely even moved last night.”

“I'm fine. I took a sleeping pill.”

“You went to the doctor?”

“No, just bought something at the drugstore.”

“Well, it must be pretty strong.”

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.”

“Well, you'd better get up, because it's getting pretty late.”

“I'm not going in. I just need to rest today.”

“Are you sure there's not something else going on?”

“No, I'm just tired of not sleeping. I'm exhausted, and it's really starting to catch up with me.”

“Did you call Melanie's doctor?”

“No, but I promise I will today. As soon as I get up.”

Levi frowned. “Why do you keep saying that and then not doing it? That really upsets me.”

“Baby, do we have to do this now? I'm really sleepy.”

“I understand that, but you need to talk to someone. I should have insisted on that two years ago, and now I'm sorry I didn't.”

Alicia heard him but closed her eyes again.

“Baby, are you listening to me?” Levi asked.

“Yes.”

“Well, if you don't make an appointment with someone today, I'm doing it for you. I told you that before, but I'm serious this time.”

“Okay,” she whispered, feeling herself falling back to sleep.

“I'll call you later,” he said, kissing her on the cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

It was so puzzling to Alicia how the voice tended to come and go, but thankfully she hadn't heard it today. After Levi had left for the church this morning, she'd slept until noon and then had eventually gotten herself up and into the shower. She'd been in bed eighteen hours, but she finally felt wide awake and not like she wanted to go back to sleep. Maybe she needed to take half a pill tonight instead of a whole one, because she certainly didn't want to miss another day of work tomorrow.

Now, though, she thought about Levi's threat of calling a doctor himself, so she sat down in her home office and dialed Melanie's therapist.

“Dr. Brogan's office,” the woman said.

“Uh, yes. I'm a friend of Melanie Richardson's, and she referred me to Dr. Brogan.”

“Sure, how can I help you?”

“I was hoping that Dr. Brogan could refer me to a counselor who might be able to help me.”

“Of course. Dr. Brogan is with a patient now, but if you'll tell me what type of problem you're having, I can give her a message. She may have me call you back or she'll call you back herself.”

Alicia didn't like the idea of having to give her name and number to the receptionist. For all she knew, the woman might recognize it. “I was really hoping to speak to Dr. Brogan directly, so could you just ask her to call me?”

The woman paused. “And you said Melanie Richardson referred you?”

“Yes.”

“And your name?”

“Alicia.”

“Last name?”

“Just Alicia.”

“A number where you can be reached?”

Alicia gave her the number to her cell.

“I think that's all I need, and I'll be sure to give Dr. Brogan your information.”

“Do you think she'll be calling this afternoon?”

“More than likely. She has a couple of back-to-back appointments, but she should still be able to get back to you.”

“I really appreciate your help.”

“No problem.”

Alicia hung up the phone and signed on to her computer. She Googled “What does it mean when you hear voices?” the same as she'd done two years ago. She wasn't sure what she thought might be different, but she was hoping for some other explanation besides psychosis and schizophrenia.

Alicia closed her eyes with sadness. Just the idea of possibly having a mental illness broke her heart. On the one hand, she truly did believe the voice was only a trick from Satan, but on the other, she wondered if there was something clinically wrong with her, too.

She clicked on one of the website links that displayed. She read through it, clicked out of it, and then pulled up another. She read through that one very quickly and pulled up another. And another. But they all basically stated the same thing: Hearing voices was usually a sign of psychosis or schizophrenia. She did see one diagnosis called psychotic depression, and hearing voices was a symptom of that also. The only thing, though, was that some of the other symptoms didn't apply, such as getting angry for no apparent reason, not wanting to be around others, and sleeping in the day and staying awake at night. But then as she thought back to when Phillip had died, she had in fact felt all of the above. She hadn't wanted to go anywhere or talk to anyone, and she couldn't sleep. The article also talked about how a person with psychotic depression could feel worthless or a voice might be telling them that they were no good. It was the next line she read, though, that made her grab her chest.

Alicia didn't believe she was possessed by the devil—or was she? She did think it was the devil's voice that kept speaking to her, but not that he had control of her mind and body. But what if her thoughts about anything relating to the devil were merely irrational thoughts, and the voice she was hearing was a result of psychotic depression? If that were true, what was she going to do? Because she couldn't live with that kind of diagnosis. She'd thought about it and had settled on that decision more than once. Having a physical illness was one thing, but being crazy was something different. Although, maybe she could find a counselor or doctor on her own and not tell anyone about it. Because as she read further down the article, it sounded as though there were a number of treatment options, some of which included specific medications that could eliminate psychosis completely, as long as a person didn't stop taking them.

But what local doctor would she be able to call who didn't know her father? Or didn't know
her
, even? What psychiatrist in the state of Illinois, or in the country for that matter, hadn't heard of the infamous Black family and their drama? It was true that doctors were supposed to keep all patient information confidential, but nowadays there was no telling what people might do for a certain amount of money. Especially when a pastor or anything relating to a church was involved. Some media outlets were willing to pay thousands for the right kind of story, and she couldn't go through that.

This was the reason that even though she now heard her phone ringing, she didn't answer it. She hadn't been expecting Dr. Brogan to call back so soon, but Alicia recognized the number on her screen. It was the same one she'd called not long ago. The phone rang and then went to voice mail, but whether the doctor had left a message for Alicia or not, Alicia wouldn't be calling her back. She was also glad she hadn't given the receptionist her last name.