A Sister’s Gift (13 page)

No, no no! Get a grip, girl! I am not going to become a worry-wart like my sister. I refuse to.

‘Would you mind if I asked you to…make the pregnancy attempt first, before you go up to London?’ Hollie puts in mildly through the door.

I switch the water on, so the sound of it running will make it seem as if I’m already out of earshot.

What did she say? Something about using a turkey baster and a little vial which holds the sperm – here’s some we prepared earlier, sort of thing. Ugh! Poor Hol. How embarrassing is that? It’s all so clinical. There’s no magical ‘making a baby’ moment to this method. It’s all about the science of temperature and timing.

Is this what it’s become for
them
, after all this time of ‘trying for a baby’? That’s so sad. Does each month just become ‘another attempt’ at the right moment when she’s ovulating?

I turn to the bathroom mirror which is beginning to get rapidly steamed up, and muss up my hair, trying to wake myself up, get myself into the mood. This is surreal. This whole morning has been surreal. I wonder if they’re really going to use my work at that symposium the professor talked about in the spring? How exciting would that be? How unbelievably thrilling? Maybe I’m actually still in bed and dreaming?

‘Scarlett, can you hear me?’ Hol calls out louder.

I step in under the running water, feeling the soothing heat of it first against my legs and then down my back. I could write a paper on that thesis. I could have it published in
Nature –
my God, that would be something, wouldn’t it? Who’d have thought it? I close my eyes and try to block her out because I need to
think
.

And because I’m feeling really, really nervous about what it is I’ve agreed to do for her. I never did read that article in the pregnancy mag on the ‘possible complications of pregnancy’ because I just didn’t want to know. But I’m thinking now maybe I should have. Let myself know what I might be in for? It’s not always so straightforward, is it? Having an actual baby. I’d opt for a Caesarean but Hol’s dead against that and I don’t like the idea of stitches down there at all. Oh, why did I ever agree to this in the first place?

I can feel my heart hammering ten to the dozen at the thought of it. I lean against the cool bathroom tiles and try and calm myself down and outside I can still hear Hollie hesitating by the door.

‘Scarlett?’ she persists.

‘I’m having a shower,’ I call out in what I hope sounds like a cheery voice. Just be matter-of-fact about this, I keep reminding myself. Just act like this is…normal.

You’re doing this for
her
, for Hollie. And for José and Tunga and all the rest of them because once I’ve got my sister on board
I will be in a position to help them. It’s the right thing to do. So why won’t my pulse stop racing? And why won’t she go away?

‘Is everything OK? Why the sudden trip to see Professor Klausmann? I mean, is it urgent?’

‘No!’ I yell through the door. ‘I just needed to see him, that’s all.’

‘I see. Well, Lettie, would you mind – if Professor Klausmann isn’t really urgent – doing this thing for me first, please?’

‘Sure. Whatever,’ I sigh. I suppose I don’t actually have an appointment to see Professor Klausmann.

I give my face a good rub with my flannel and the mandarin scent of my shower gel wakes me up and invigorates me. I can do this. I can do the turkey baster thing and then get dressed and get on the train and go up and see Professor Klausmann and sort out my own day just like I planned, sure. Why not?

‘I’ll just go and get everything ready for you,’ Hollie is shouting through the door. ‘OK?’

‘OK,’ I shout back. I step out of the shower. I can’t believe how cool my sister sounds. She must be making a huge effort.

She must be, surely? Because, beyond all the on-the-surface gratitude to me, she must be feeling a little unease about the fact that she’s got to get her sister to do it for her. That she can’t do it herself.

Well, I hope she’s not going to hold my fertility against me afterwards – feel resentment or jealousy or anything. I saw how she was when she heard about Sarah’s pregnancy. She tried hard to hide it but she was dead gutted. Still, I frown, peering into the mirror again and rubbing it over to demist it, I’ll not be hanging around here for too long once we’ve got the pregnancy confirmed.

Just as soon as I’ve sorted what I came over here to do, I’ll be taking my bump back to sunny Brazil to finish off the job, far away from Hollie’s prying eyes.

That shower has been running for so long Scarlett must have drained the entire tank by now. I sit down on her bed and wait.

I’ve had a sense all week that today might be the day. I told Richard when we woke up, while we were still lying there in bed. When he looked at me I thought his eyes seemed happy – hopeful, even – but he didn’t say anything. He has told me a thousand times that if I cannot have children he will be content. He has told me that he would be happy to adopt or to remain childless, whatever I choose. But this morning he just hugged me close and kissed me. When I laid my head along his chest I could hear his heart beating hard. We lay there still for so long I thought, if I were quiet enough, I might be able to hear his thoughts and that he must surely be able to read mine.

I propped myself up on my elbows, needing to share the feeling of excitement that was coursing through me.

‘I can’t explain it, Rich. I know we’ve been through a long and weary battle to try and start a family but I just feel that this is
it
. It’s going to happen for us this time.’

He laughed then, drawing my face closer to his for a kiss.

‘I only want whatever makes you happy. But I’m already more than happy, you know that…’

Christ. I can’t quite believe it. I clasp my hands in front of my face now and the jumbled mess of all Scarlett’s clothes and her dog-eared map of the world that is peeling off the wall
and all her odds and assortments that we’ve never quite got round to clearing out of her old room all disappear in a misty haze. This is going to be my lucky year, I know it.

The sound of the ancient water pipes gurgling brings me back to the moment and I open my eyes. How much longer?

But I am being impatient. I look around me, tempted to start clearing up the mess while I wait. This is a huge step Scarlett’s about to take, and she’s doing it all for me. I have to let her do it in her own way, in her own time, even if my stomach’s all jangled up and I can’t wait to get on with it. I can still scarcely believe it could really turn out to be this easy, after all we’ve been through.

No trip to India. No forking out masses of money to get some stranger to do it. No worrying about the health and the motives of the surrogate mother because Scarlett will surely want to spend the pregnancy here, under my own roof.

The shower has been turned off at last, but the bathroom door is still closed. Perhaps I should just lay everything out for her, on the bed? She’ll know what to do with it I suppose – it’s self-evident. On the other hand, no, I won’t, because Richard’s working far away from home today and if we have a mishap -if the vial gets spilled or something – then we may miss our chance. I’d better be on hand to make sure it all goes without a hitch, get it done, because, the truth is, I still don’t know what it was that brought about Scarlett’s sudden change of heart just over a week ago. And I don’t know how easily she might change it back again. My butterfly sister is perfectly capable of changing her mind.
Just because
. That’s how she always has been.

I get up and go over to the little window which Scarlett always insists on keeping open and I pull it to. She used to spend hours standing on her bed as a child, peering out of that very window. It looks out onto Strood Esplanade. I don’t like it. I prefer to keep it locked shut.

I glance behind me; the bathroom door is still closed.

‘Hey. How are you getting on, sis?’

‘Good,’ her muffled voice comes back. She must be drying her hair.

‘Are you nervous?’ I offer. My hands feel so clammy and sticky I don’t know what to do with them. I sit there twisting my wedding ring round and round on my finger while I wait. I hear her laugh softly in the background. She doesn’t sound nervous. She sounds pleased, excited even. As if she’s really looking forward to this experience, and the realisation of that assuages my guilt a little.

I don’t remember Scarlett
ever
being nervous, now I come to think of it. Well – only that one time a couple of years ago, when she was dead scared because she’d left the writing of her thesis for the PlanetLove foundation far too late. Ha! I haven’t forgotten that look of terror on her face when she suddenly got scared that what she’d eventually written wouldn’t be up to scratch, and she’d set her heart on going out to Brazil. She panicked then, all right!

It’s the only time I remember seeing my sister looking truly vulnerable. She’s always been so up for anything, so game, whereas I…

I bend to pick up a heap of her discarded clothes and carry them through to the laundry basket. I crane my neck down the hallway to the bathroom but it’s all gone quiet and there’s still no sign of her. I want to get this over and done with now, I really do. I hope she isn’t bothering with putting on make-up or anything.

‘OK?’ My sister appears at last, a blue silk kimono robe (mine, unused till this moment, a present from Chrissie last birthday) wrapped about her. Her short blonde curls have all been primped into place, and I can recognise the almond scent of my most pricey hair lotion. She looks wide-eyed and innocent and far too young to be planning on getting pregnant. I feel another momentary jab of guilt. She is the perfect person to do this for me and at the same time probably the very worst.

For a moment we just stand there awkwardly. Then she goes and sits down on the bed. She picks up one of her old stuffed toys and holds it on her lap.

‘Scarlett.’ I sit down gingerly on the edge of the bed beside her, and somehow the words that come out next are more about reassuring me than they are her. ‘Are you sure you want to go through with this?’

‘I’m cool.’ She smiles at me beatifically.

‘No. I mean…I mean, have you really thought about how this decision is going to impact on the rest of your life? Your work…’ I have to say all this, even though I don’t want to. ‘I have to make sure…’

When my sister smiles, a cherubic dimple appears on each of her cheeks. She’s got that ‘I know what I’m doing’ look on her face right now. She strokes the bright blue tiger on her lap in front of her.

‘It’s OK,’ she says.

‘I was just thinking about Guillermo. The guy you told me about from Brazil,’ I press. She only just mentioned him last night, and briefly at that. I have no idea how important he might be. ‘Have you thought about how he might take it?’

She looks up, surprised. ‘Why should he worry about it? I can’t really see that it’s any of his business.’

My God. She
hasn’t
thought this through at all.

‘Well, if he were someone you were planning on maybe having a serious relationship with…it might be significant, that’s all.’

‘This baby is something that I’ve decided to do for you, Hollie,’ she tells me firmly. ‘It’s between us. You and me. No one else. I carry it, and eventually, when it’s done, you get to keep it. So I guess there’s no more to be said,’ she attests. ‘Let’s go for it.’

‘Well, OK,’ I tell her at last. ‘If you’re really sure. Would you like me to stay with you while you do it?’

My sister looks up, shocked. She puts the blue tiger firmly down on the floor beside her.

‘No,’ she tells me crisply. ‘I
really
don’t think that would be such a good idea, do you?’

I flush. Of course. I didn’t mean to embarrass her.

‘How silly of me. I just wasn’t sure if you knew what you had to…’

‘I’ve pretty much got the idea, Hollie. I learned about the birds and the bees a long time ago.’

‘Well, naturally.’ I blush. ‘I’ll just go and sort out…the other side of it then, so to speak?’

‘Fine.’ She plumps her pillows up on the bed. She wants me to go away. I can see that. I go into the kitchen and stop by the sink for a few minutes to gather my wits. I need to calm down. If I pick up the vial of Richard’s sperm in this state of mind then I’ll drop it for sure and the day will be wasted.

I feel giddy now. I feel odd.

‘So – do you still want to go ahead with this today or don’t you?’ Scarlett’s voice behind me makes me jump. She’s followed me out of the bedroom and she’s leaning against the kitchen doorway now, arms folded.

‘Of course. I’m just checking…we’ve got everything we need.’ I fumble in the drawer, looking for the plastic syringe which I bought specially for the purpose. It’s wrapped up in cellophane and I pull uselessly at it, all thumbs. ‘I had a feeling that today would be the day,’ I smile at her, ‘so I woke Rich up early…’ I pause, a little taken aback by the frown that crosses her face for an instant. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to make it awkward for you,’ I bluster.

‘Is that the um…?’She’s staring at the syringe in distaste.

‘It’s what you’ll need to use. The…er…delivery system, so to speak. We’ve already got Richard’s…contribution. It’s in the fridge, don’t worry.’

My sister’s eyes widen and she moves to the counter where I’ve just put down the syringe.

‘OK, so you need me to use this?’ She picks it up curiously.

‘And you’ll also need…this.’ I open the fridge and hand her the precious vial and she takes it in one hand, and holds it up to the light, peering at the very small amount of semi-opaque fluid in consternation. ‘Well, obviously…it’s…’

My sister makes a small choking noise in her throat which she turns into a cough. ‘Of course,’ she says.

‘If you’ve changed your mind,’ I begin, but she waves me away.

‘I haven’t changed my mind, Hollie.’

‘It’s just that you…’I open my hands, at a loss for words.

‘I know what I’m doing, don’t you worry.’ She’s got that look on her face again, the one she always used to get when she was younger and she was being brave about something but didn’t want me to see it. I wish she would let me put my arms around her. I wish she would let me
see
how brave she’s being in agreeing to go through with this because I know that she must be feeling all sorts of conflicting things right now.