A Soldier for Christmas (16 page)

“That’s how it starts, you know.”

“How what starts?”

“The real thing. True love. Happily ever after. It starts with being best friends. At least, that’s what they tell me. I know, I know, you’re going to start arguing with me, and that’s okay. As long as you remember that as much as we all wished you could have married Joe and you’ll always be a member of our family at heart, you need to move on. Find the blessings God has in store for you.”

“Oh, Katherine, please don’t break my heart like that.” There was the past, the dreaded past, rising up like a tidal wave threatening to pull her into an ocean of feelings she did not want to face. She swallowed past the hopelessness. “Believe me, I have so much in my life to be thankful for. I have enough.”

“I know the hard way—it’s not enough. Life isn’t quite as sweet or as meaningful without someone to love deeply.”

Kelly couldn’t speak past the emotions in her throat. In her heart. Weighing down her soul. She was hardly aware of Katherine steering her, along with Mitch’s gift, into the cozy comfort of the corner office.

What did she do? If she didn’t look inside the gift bag, then she wouldn’t have to face the truth she’d been afraid of all along. She loved Mitch. He might feel more than friendship for her. Nothing could terrify her more.

Her chest clogged tight, as if buried under the weight of her broken dreams. She couldn’t take one more loss. One more good-bye. I will not step off this path.

She swiped hot tears from her eyes, feeling as if her spirit was ripping down to the quick. It was fear that filled the cracked places and the wounded places inside her. Terror of being hurt like that again because she’d believed in the impossible.

I cannot believe in this. In what she could never have. Her finger shook as she pulled the small box from the bag. She already knew what she would find as she cradled the jeweler’s box in the palm of her hand, but her pulse stalled at the gleam of pearl, and the shimmer of delicate gold that made up the halo and wings of an angel.

A small gift card said, “Here’s a guardian angel to watch over you until I get back and can do the job.”

Mitch. Did he have any idea what he was doing to her? She was breaking apart, the safeguards she’d built around herself crumbling like clay, exposing the raw, most vulnerable places that longed to believe. The heart of the girl she used to be when she believed in fairy tales and in dreams coming true.

When she’d believed God would find a way one day to give her real love and a place to belong.

Maybe this is your chance. The hope came in the quiet between heartbeats. It came from the deepest parts of her soul. Hope burned like banked embers breathing back to life.

I so want to love this man. What was she going to do? And even if he loved her in return…

No, don’t go there. She closed the door on that thought and locked it away. No more wishes. Not one single hope. She replaced the lid on the box, and slipped the box into the gift bag.

If only she could put away the feelings in her heart as easily.

Lord, help take this wish from my heart. Please.

There was no answer. Only the constant slanting fall of the snowflakes outside the window and the faint musical rendition of “Silent Night” from the store’s stereo system.

She’d never felt more alone.

T
he parking-lot lights beamed a safe path from the pizza parlor all the way to their parked cars. Since her arms were full with the pizza box of leftovers and bags of gifts from her party, Kelly held the door with her shoulder for her friends.

Lexie caught the door handle and helped her, juggling the remains of a cake. “What do you say we hit the ice creamery? We could car-pool over. The roads look icy. I’ve got four-wheel drive.”

“Sounds good to me.” Jessica commented as she filed outside, zipping her parka snug. “I don’t have to hurry home. How about you, Rose?”

“Count me in.” Rose brought up the rear, pulling on her mittens.

It had been fairly easy not to have to think about Mitch’s gift, which was tucked safely in her backpack’s front pocket. But now, with the icy snowflakes brushing her cheeks and the momentary quiet as they all negotiated the icy parking lot without falling, Kelly had a split second where Mitch crowded her mind.

Maybe it was because the greasy, pepperoni tang of warm pizza drifted up through the lid of the pizza box she carried, reminding her of the bright summer night he’d shown up with pizza in hand and had affably watched the romantic comedy Lexie had picked up at the video store.

Just the remembered feeling of being in his presence that day made peace trickle all the way down to her soul. That peace remained through the hour spent at the ice cream shop and into the quiet of her bedroom where she studied, huddled in her flannel pajamas and fleece slippers, while the baseboard heater tried to keep up with the cold seeping in through the window and walls.

Why was she hurting like this? Everything within her ached like a snapped bone, and she couldn’t concentrate at all on her studies. As pointless as it was, she took Mitch’s gift from her backpack and opened the small box. In the bright reading lamp, the delicate angel’s lacey wings and lustrous pearl gown gleamed like a promise.

This was no minor trinket and not a simple gift. This had come from his heart. She rubbed her fingers over the black inked words, written in a delicate script, probably Holly’s, but she knew they were Mitch’s words. “Here’s a guardian angel to watch over you until I get back and can do the job.”

Katherine’s words from today troubled her.
The real thing. True love. Happily ever after. It starts with being best friends.

She forced the fears and the whispers from the past aside.

Is there a way, Lord? Could Mitch really be meant for me?
Every cell of her being hurt with the wish. In the deepest places within her soul, she wanted to believe. But was it possible?

Losing Joe still had a hold on her. How did she find enough faith to believe that the future could be different? That there were good things waiting for her, good things that wouldn’t be jerked from her the minute she reached for them?

The phone rang. When she checked the caller ID, it was out of area, from an area code she didn’t recognize. It was her birthday, and that was often a day her mom tried to contact her, but what if it was Mitch calling?

“I bet it’s Mitch,” Lexie called from her room.

I bet it is, too. It would be just like him to call tonight. She lifted the receiver, longing for the warmth of his baritone and a connection to him, and terrified of it at the same time. “Hello?”

There was no crackle on the line, no overseas static. The hesitation was all wrong. She knew who it was before she heard her mother say her name. “Kelly? Is that really my sweet baby?”

I should have had Lexie answer it, Kelly realized, too late. The voices from her past rose up, and there were no defenses strong enough to stop them. Memories she’d held down for so long crashed like a tidal wave, making the past so immediate and vivid she could taste the hollowness and desolation. She knew this was part of her mom’s pattern—she’d try to make up and then the pleas for money would start. Then the stealing.

“Mom,” she managed to choke out. “You’re not supposed to call me. The court said you can’t.”

“But you’re my own little girl.”

How many times had she heard that phrase? When she’d been six years old, holding her mom’s hair when she was sick from being drunk. When she was ten years old and her mother was high on drugs. When she was twelve years old and they had lost their apartment and were standing in line at a shelter.

Stop it. She squeezed her eyes shut, gritting her teeth, but the images just kept coming. Her mom’s anger when Kelly had wanted to live with her aunt Louise. The calls and every attempt to visit whenever Kelly had her life finally leveling out. Her mom arriving uninvited at Joe’s funeral and whispering, after the service, “It’s just as well he’s gone. You might as well learn it now. No one’s gonna love you enough to last, girl. You’re too much like me.”

For once, Kelly broke the pattern and hung up the phone. It was as if all the footholds she’d built to hold up her life buckled and came crashing down. What if her mother was right? That’s exactly how it felt. What if every time her life became stable, all it took was her past to knock it down? What if the foundations of her life, her beginnings in life, were not strong enough to support a good future? Whatever the case, Kelly couldn’t allow her mother back in her life until the woman made a significant effort to heal.

As time ticked by she placed the jeweler’s box into her backpack. After a while, the dark shadows did not seem so bleak. The memories of the girl she’d been, heart wide open waiting to belong, faded away.

She didn’t know how long it was until the phone rang again, and Lexie hurried through the doorway. “We’ll just turn off the ringer. Is there anything I can do?”

Kelly shook her head.

“I’ll make you some tea. My mom says honey and chamomile tea makes anything a little bit better.” Lexie disappeared.

Kelly reached for her Bible. She knew that the Lord worked all things for the good of His faithful. Sometimes it was all she could do to believe, but she held on to her faith with both white-knuckled hands and did not let go.

In the bleak gray of the rugged eastern Afghanistan landscape, Mitch huddled with his team. The spot they’d chosen was well-hidden from the road below, and it offered good protection from the cruel wind whipping down from the glaciered peaks. Hunkered down, they should be undetectable, but he stayed on high alert.

Pierce leaned close, speaking in a voice lower than a whisper. “Not a lot of activity. Doesn’t feel right, though.”

“Nope. Like we’re in the crosshairs.” It wasn’t a good sign when the hunters felt hunted. He scanned the lower, opposing slope with his gun scope.

Nothing. Maybe it would stay that way. A few more hours, they would radio command, and come dark, extraction. He’d be on a bird out of here.

And then he felt it, as if a steady light in his heart winked out. It was Kelly. She was gone, just like that, and he knew that he’d lost her love. That she had let go of him.

And there was nothing he could do about it.

Hopeless, Kelly opened the window blinds so she could feel the gray light of dawn fall across her face. Exhaustion settled around her like the freezing fog outside, cloaking her, keeping her numb. Her heart beat dully, without feeling, like the deadness that follows a great shock.

Or a great loss.

How can I do this? How can I find the words to tell Mitch good-bye? Rising tears burned in her throat.

Outside the window, freezing fog shrouded the treetops and veiled the sky and mountains from view. Snow mantled the world, clung to the barren poplar limbs, covered the sidewalks and street and rooftops below, and frosted the view like icing on a cake. The gray cold seeped into her soul.

Being alone was the truth of her life. A truth she’d learned to accept the hard way. She didn’t want any more lessons teaching her that. The ones she’d had so far had been painful enough. She couldn’t go through that loss one more time.

You have to let him go, Kelly. She felt the past whisper. Felt the pain of Joe’s loss rising up through the numbness. The wounds within her began to reopen, whispers of memories that she could no longer silence. Joe, who’d come from the black-sheep branch of the McKaslin family, who’d grown up with his dad in and out of jail, who’d understood. How her greatest fear in life was that her mother was right.

How would Mitch understand?

What if God had already worked a miracle in her life, bringing her on this path instead of into a desperate life like her mother’s? What if this was the great good meant for her and there would be nothing more?

Down deep, she knew, if she took one step off this path and risked her heart again, everything would crumble. She’d had that lesson over and over again. Fear clawed through her, sharp-taloned and relentless.

I don’t need to hurt like that one more time.

Letting him go was the sensible thing to do. It was the right thing to do, the safest decision. Just do it, Kelly. Stop procrastinating. Do the right thing.

She stared at her computer screen, alone in the apartment, heartsick. How was she going to say good-bye? She had no heart left to feel with. No faith left over to try to believe. Even if he was her dream come true. Even if he was everything wonderful and noble and good she’d ever believed in. Summer felt so far away, with the bright green world and bold sunshine and the rumble of Mitch’s laughter as he’d hauled her out of the cool river.

That’s how it starts,
Katherine’s words came back to her.
The real thing. True love. It starts with being best friends.

She buried her face in her hand and remained perfectly still, letting the past settle down, hoping the memories would release her, but they didn’t. There was no solace, no comfort as the heater clicked on, whirring under the curtains, which swayed and billowed. The pain and emptiness of her past was nothing compared to the anguish of this moment without Mitch. And of all the moments to come without him.

She covered her mouth, stopping the sob from escaping. Nothing could stop the grief shattering her soul.

I’m so sorry, Mitch. She was a realist these days, and not a dreamer. She would keep both feet on the ground. Mitch was not hers to keep. Not now. Not ever.

All the prayers in the world wouldn’t change it.

Her vision blurred as she placed her trembling fingertips above the keys. Just when she thought she couldn’t take another good-bye, here she was, typing that dreaded word that cut like a blade through her soul.

Battle-weary and heartsick, Mitch wasn’t at all surprised to see a single e-mail from Kelly waiting for him. He was exhausted, the images on the screen blurred. He scrubbed his eyes and tried to focus.

This could not be good news. He could feel it in his gut, the same way he’d known in the bush deep in enemy territory that things were about to go south.

Retreat would be safer.

He opened the e-mail and felt as he had on the side of the mountain, as if he were caught in a rifle’s scope.

Dear Mitch

First of all, I hope you are safe and well. I care about you and I always will, and I want good things for you and your life.

He rubbed his beard, greasy from face paint, and tried to calm the shock settling in his chest. He’d known this was waiting for him. That wasn’t what surprised him. It was that she was really doing it, that there was no way to undo this. He was half a world away and it might as well be the whole universe separating them. She was ending it. No, he corrected, feeling the void in his heart. She already had.

I’ll always be glad you walked into the bookstore that bright summer day. You have no idea how much I will treasure this time I’ve spent being your friend, but I have to say good-bye. Although I was touched by it, I can’t accept your gift. Finals start next week, and I’m going to be too busy to e-mail, and by the time they’re done, you’ll be home in California and you’ll have no more need for a pen pal, I’m sure, so I’ll just say good-bye.

Kelly

Goodbye.
He stopped breathing at her words. It took a moment to sink in. She was returning the gift. Pretending all that had ever been between them was a pen-pal thing.

His heart broke, piece by piece, cracking all the way down to his soul. How could she end it like this?

“Dalton.” It was Scott, the corpsman, lumbering into the hootch looking as haggard as Mitch felt. “I gotta take a look at your arm.”

“It’s nothing. Just a little shrapnel.”

“After you hit the shower and chow, stop by and let me look at it. You’ll need stitches.”

“Nah. I’m good.” It wasn’t the jagged gash or the hunk of metal he’d pulled out of it that was his problem.

“You’d better come, or I’ll hunt you down,” Scott called over his shoulder on his way out.

The hootch was empty this time of day, and the sounds of other teams training outside faded into the background. Mitch rubbed his forehead with the heel of his hand. How was he going to fix this? Was it possible? It had to be.
Right, Lord?

No answer. He’d halfway expected one, he thought as he thumbed a calling card from his pocket. How could he have lost so much in a single day? He hauled his overtired body out of the metal chair. It was 0400 in her part of the world. He’d call her after he showered and put some food in his gut. Maybe by then he would have mastered this pain. Maybe by then he would have figured out a way to fix this.

He knew one thing for sure. He would not give up, he would not give in, and he would not go down. Nothing in his life had ever mattered like this. Kelly was his heart’s choice.

No matter what.

He prayed to God that he could still be her choice, too.

In the cocoon of the university’s library, Kelly chose an empty table next to the stacks. All around her other students were busy studying, reading or researching. She had a few more facts to look up for her term paper, which was due tomorrow. As she unzipped her laptop case, she noticed an ROTC student in his uniform seated two tables over.