A Solitary Heart (15 page)

them all, those earnest young men, and realised that any one of them

would have given her what she'd always said she'd been looking for

in a husband. None of them had been the type to stray from home, or

enact the kind of subterfuge necessary for infidelity. So why hadn't

she picked one and married him? What was she really looking for?

If anything, she had envisaged a relationship of equals, but when two

people were real partners in strength and character, neither one was

in complete control. She realised then that she could not have what

she wanted without an element of trust, and she could not trust

without caring. Otherwise she might as well marry somebody like

Joshua, and resign herself to the sterile existence Matt had described.

Was the only other alternative to live out her life as Jane had said,

playing Solitaire? Why couldn't she simply accept with good grace

what fate put in her path, instead of trying to consign everything into

neat, tidy little cubicles? She was a big girl now; she should be able

to look after herself reasonably well. And Matt had done nothing to

her that she did not want to happen.

She rubbed her eyes and sighed. Jane came up beside her and met her

newly calm gaze. 'Well, what's the verdict?'

'All right,' she said. 'I can accept what you're saying. I haven't

necessarily changed my thinking about a lot of things, but at least I'm

willing to keep an open mind. We'll just have to wait and see.'

'And the weekend?' asked her friend with bright eyes.

'I'll come,' she said in a rush.

'That's my girl! Besides,' added Jane drily, 'there probably won't be

any privacy for anything to happen even if you wanted it to.'

Sian had recovered enough of her equilibrium to smile wryly. 'Too

true. Well, I've finished with reacting for one day. We'd better get

back to the others.'

'Sian -' She paused with her hand on the doorknob and looked at the

other woman, who continued thoughtfully, 'Maybe you'd better keep

an eye on Joshua. He's been watching the way you act around Matt,

and I think he might be jealous.'

'Jealous!' she exclaimed with a frown. 'What's he got to be jealous

about?'

'He did want to marry you, remember?' pointed out her friend.

'Yes, but he wasn't really in love with me. It was just infatuation. He

certainly took it well enough when I turned him down*

Jane gave a careless shrug. 'Maybe I've got it wrong, but just because

he can accept that you don't want to marry him, it doesn't mean that

he wants to see you fall into his older brother's arms. Very dog-in-

the-manger of him, I'll admit, but how like a man!'

Sian snapped, 'And who said anything about falling into Matt's arms?

All I said was that I'd keep an open mind!'

Jane managed to get in a final parting shot in her ear, as she jerked

open the door, 'But darling, it's already happened a few times now,

hasn't it?'

That was, of course, unanswerable. Sian shook her head as they

walked back into the kitchen where the three men were discussing

the weekend plans. She settled into her chair again, and pretended

she hadn't seen the slow, private smile on Matt's face as he looked

down her long exposed legs.

The group discussed various possibilities of what to see at the theatre.

Not surprisingly, Matt was well informed about many of the latest

plays and musicals, and a few well-timed, pithy quotes from some of

the more scathing reviews soon sent the others into fits of laughter.

'What fun it will be,' said Jane with immense satisfaction. 'I'll have to

pack something civilised, I suppose—maybe my black dress, with

pearls. Do you know what you're taking yet, Sian?'

She didn't know what devil came over her, but she found herself

saying sweetly, as she toyed with her coffee- cup, 'I haven't made up

my mind, but I have it on good authority that it should be silk, and

lace—with maybe a touch of leather.'

The hazel gaze beside her lifted in quick surprise, and flared bright

and hot. She raised one slim eyebrow in mocking response.

Remember what I told you, Matt? Every time you turn your back, I'll

be jumping out of my circle.

Sian turned her head and broke the searing contact. Her gaze

wandered across the table.

She shouldn't have been surprised. Jane had warned her.

Joshua was watching them, with jealous eyes.

Sian took care on Thursday to give Joshua plenty of attention, and

went to the movies with him that night, making sure throughout the

evening that she acted just as warm and as friendly towards him as

she ever had, without suggesting her feelings towards him had

changed to that of a more romantic nature.

At first it was very awkward. Joshua arrived on the doorstep sharp

and prickly around the edges, and Sian was braced for any accusing

comments and questions he might make about his older brother. But

Matt remained conspicuously absent from the conversation, and,

during the course of the film, all the negative nuances melted away.

They were both science fiction fans, and the movie thundered with

dazzling special effects, a rousing adventure plot and a tongue-in-

cheek humorous dialogue that had them both laughing aloud.

Afterwards they went out for pizza, still chuckling and snorting like a

pair of kids, and everything seemed as if it had gone back to normal.

Perhaps the jealousy she had seen in Joshua's face had been nothing

more than insecurity, Sian thought as she kissed him goodnight on

the cheek and ran lightly up the path to her apartment. After all,

Joshua had known her first and he might have felt that their

friendship was being threatened by the emergence of Matt on the

scene. Matt, who represented authority and discipline, and who was

that much older and self-assured and successful in his career, must be

quite a formidable figure to a young man, someone to be idolised and

yet resented.

In fact, Sian suspected that she wasn't actually the person Joshua was

jealous of at all, but Matt might be. She had begun to notice tiny

characteristics of speech and mannerisms that Joshua affected, which

before she had attributed to his own personality but could now see

were copies of Matthew's drawling quick-witted humour, and shrewd

observances.

Joshua so wanted to be like his sophisticated, confident brother

without realising that thirteen extra years of experience could not be

bridged by simply acting the part. He needed to discover loss,

tragedy and recovery for himself to gain wisdom, struggle through

battles of his own to win true self-confidence. Some day, she was

sure, he would grow to be the kind of man he admired— both he and

Matt were moulded from the same thoroughbred stamp—but until

then he was much as he must have been as a very young boy,

watching with adoring eyes as his idol flew off to magnificent

horizons he could only imagine.

Sian would have liked to test her hypothesis on Jane, but the other

girl was already in bed, so she trailed through the silent apartment

and turned off the lights. Everywhere she went, the tidy kitchen, the

comfortable living-room, even her bedroom: all whispered with the

shadow of Matt's lingering ghost. His was the type of presence that

left vibrations.

She smiled wryly as she remembered Jane's suggestion to have a wild

affair with him. As if an affair with him could be anything else! It

would be thunder and lightning, and the occasional black howling

tornado, but where in all that would be the still serenity of the eye of

the storm? Where could she take shelter, bedraggled and feather-

blown, from the raging elements?

Even if she accepted that her life could not be based on placidity

alone and that everything worthwhile contained a certain amount of

risk, she still needed the calm oasis in which to reflect and lick her

wounds. She did not want to be swept off her feet to unbearable

heights only to crash; she wanted a slow and graceful waltz to a

classical tune, each partner's steps in harmony with the other's.

Self-knowledge was a dangerous thing. When she had not known

before the breadth and depth of her desires, she had indeed been

blithely content to play her introspective game of Solitaire. Now her

eyes had been opened to a shimmering possibility, and it was so

hauntingly beautiful that it could only make her ache.

Uncharacteristically, she overslept the next morning and woke

around eleven feeling heavy-eyed and disgruntled. She managed to

finish her chores, pack and be ready on time, however, and dozed

fitfully in the back seat, occasionally surfacing to listen to the other

three converse. They hit the Chicago rush-hour and spent forty-five

minutes creeping along at a snail's pace, so it was six in the evening

by the time they pulled into a car park reserved for residents and

guests of a luxury block of condominiums off fashionable Lakeshore

Drive.

Everybody piled out, staring in fascination as they retrieved their

luggage from the car. Lake Michigan lay panoramic to their right,

dark azure overlaid with silver sparkles. 'Get this place!' said Steven,

overacting his awe. 'Jane, my love, it's .been swell, but I think I'm

leaving you for another man.'

'It is nice, isn't it?' said Joshua, with a pretence to offhandedness that

could not conceal a sense of pride. 'Matt designed the condos

himself. Wait'll you see the rest. It's got security videoscreens at the

doors.'

They followed him to the door; Joshua pressed Matt's button on the

display panel, and Matt's voice came over the intercom. 'Oh, good,

you're here. Come on up.'

The lock on the door buzzed, and they entered the cool, quiet foyer to

take the lift up to his floor. When the doors opened, Matthew was

waiting in the hall, and Sian's heart gave a great, ridiculous leap

when she saw him.

He must have gone to work, for he was still dressed for the office, in

a tan suit several shades lighter than the bronzed outdoor hue of his

complexion. Its severe formality, combined with the carelessness of

his unbuttoned collar and loosened tie, produced the strangest

reaction in the pit of her stomach, a kind of sinking sensation of rabid

hunger, and in her mind, uncontrollably, she imagined completing the

act of pulling off his tie.

His gaze, light and brilliant, met hers briefly, then he said with a

white smile, '"Welcome to my parlour," said the spider. How was

your drive?'

'Fine, until we hit Chicago traffic,' said Joshua.

'Never mind, you're here now. Cold drinks are on offer to any takers,

but first let's get the sleeping arrangements portioned off, so you

know where to put your things. Jane and Sian, you two get the pick

of my study and bedroom, Josh and Steven, you get to share the

guest-room, and I'll bunk down in the living-room.'

Sian's first impression of his home was an enjoyable sense of light

and space. The living-room had huge, ceiling-high windows with an

unobstructed view of the shore. Sleeping in Matthew's bedroom was

far too much a temptation, and before the other girl could speak up

she said hastily, 'I'll take the study, thanks.'

He sent her a mocking glance, but merely said, 'Fine. Jane, your

room is the next door down on the right. Sian, this is yours.'

He led her into the study and stood to one side while she looked

around in curiosity and pleasure.

In front of another spacious window was an angled drawing table and

high stool. The table was piled high with sheets and scrolls of papers,

pens and pencils, business correspondence and a calculator. Next to

one wall was a desktop computer by two tall filing cabinets, and

against the third, by the door, was a short leather-bound settee where,

judging by its softened and worn appearance, he obviously relaxed

quite often.

There wasn't any furniture against the fourth wall, for in pride of

place and covering most of the space was a huge, colourful print that

she recognised as coming from the Louvre museum. 'Oh, it's lovely!'

she exclaimed, stepping as close to it as she could, for on the floor

underneath was a neatly made airbed.

'Thank you,' said Matt as he strolled over. 'I picked it up when I