A Street Girl Named Desire: A Novel (33 page)

The audience applauded loudly.

“Trouble in my way, I have to cry sometime, so much trouble, I have to cry sometime, but I know that Jesus, Jesus He will fix it, my sweet Jesus, He will fix it after while, after while!”

Everyone in the church was shouting and jumping up by the time Desire sang the last verse, but to Desire it was as if they had all disappeared. She again spoke, letting God give her the words:

“I can't count the number of times I sang that song when trouble
came my way. It was almost like my mother knew there was going to be trouble for me, and she was teaching me how to deal with it. Over the years I suffered in unimaginable ways, but I had no one to blame but myself after a certain point. I believed it was my destiny to suffer like my mother did—a family curse. The only way out of it was a lifetime of misery and a horrible death. I accepted my fate until a speaker named Pam came to Visions. She said something that, finally, made sense to me. Something that really stuck in my head. She said that I should only worry about the here and now, and that I would always be as sick as my secrets if I didn't release them. She told me that the only way to rid myself of this toxic shame that's been keeping me in bondage for so long was to get honest with myself and my God. Just for today, I choose life, and if it requires me to tell on myself to free myself from addiction, then so be it. As I thinketh, so I am, and my whole life I became the sum total of everything I thought I was, a no-good street girl. Over the years I learned to accept my curse, and I relished it. Then, at thirteen, my luck changed—the same person who saved me and my mother from freezing to death the night I was born, a lady named Hattie Mae, somehow found me and adopted me. Hattie Mae, or Grandma, loved me, y'all, more than she loved herself, and she was the first person to tell me something, something I never heard my entire life—that I was beautiful. I thought if I became rich and famous everyone would love me and I would be happy for the rest of my life. In my journey to get to the top, I hurt and used so many people. I hurt my family. I hurt friends. I hurt the ones who loved me the most. But out of all the things that happened to me in life, all the hurt I did to other people, nothing equals the hurt that I've done to myself.

I now know that before someone can find love in you, you have to have love for yourself Today, ladies and gentleman, the person who stands before you is a lost little girl who's finally learning how to love herself A girl who finally knows that being rich doesn't necessarily mean monetary wealth. One can be rich with family, rich with friends and rich with happiness.”

Tears began to fall from Desire's eyes, and she stood proud and tall as she said, “I'm no longer ashamed of who I am. I can finally say that in my past I was a street girl, a street girl named Desire.”

Everyone stood and applauded wildly, and Carvelas returned to the piano and began to play “Trouble in My Way.” The booming voices of the choir filtered through the speakers, as if they had all clung to the song at one point in their lives too:

“Trouble in my way, I have to cry sometime, so much trouble, I have to cry sometime, but I know that Jesus, He will fix it, my sweet Jesus, He will fix it after while, after while!”

By the end of the song, Desire had the entire church on their feet, giving her a thunderous applause. When the church finally settled down, Desire walked back toward the choir. Mrs. Avery gave Desire a long hug and whispered, “Congratulations” into her ear. Desire received hugs from all the choir members.

Mrs. Avery then began to speak. “Ladies and gentleman, that's the good thing about praise and testimony, it can affect anyone at any time, even me. I too would like to free myself of secrets that have been haunting me for years. As long as I could remember, I was on one sort of drug or another. Finally, after God gave me the strength to beat my addiction, I vowed to help others who suffer from the agony of addiction, and that's the reason I became a
drug counselor in the very place where I got clean over twenty years ago.”

Emotion crept into the voice of the normally strong woman, whose throat became thick with tears. “I did have a child, a daughter, who I was unable to take care of, and the courts took her away from me. She was the joy of my life and was so beautiful. I remember I used to sing her this song when she couldn't sleep, the same song my mother used to sing to me when I was little.
‘Trouble in my way, I have to cry sometime, so much trouble, I have to cry sometime, but I know that Jesus, He will fix it after while.’
”

Desire raised her head slowly as the familiar voice resounded loudly in her head. It was the exact song, the exact voice that she'd played thousands of times on an old cassette recorder.

“Mama?” was the only word Desire could muster, and she watched Mrs. Avery nod her head, tears streaming down her cheeks.

F
ourteen months later, Desire graduated from the program with flying colors. When she was released, she moved in with her mother, Nika Avery. They spent every waking moment together, trying to make up for lost time.

One evening, they both were home, snuggled up on the couch, watching a movie.

Desire immediately shut off the television and went to bed.

It was a Tuesday evening, and when Mrs. Avery arrived home from work, she called out for desire. She looked in Desire's bedroom, but she wasn't there. When she approached the bathroom, she could hear Desire coughing and throwing up. She rushed into the bathroom. She saw her daughter's frail and sickly body collapsed on the floor. Mrs. Avery helped Desire to her feet. She led her to the bedroom.

“Listen, baby, you need to get some medicine,” a concerned Mrs. Avery said. “We are going to get dressed and go down to my doctor right now.”

As Desire dressed, she asked her mother if she could call Carvelas to see if he would meet them at the doctor's office.

At the office, Mrs. Avery and Carvelas waited patiently. Finally, Desire limped toward them, the doctor by her side. There was nothing much else they could do, he told them, until the blood results came back. After her HIV status was confirmed, she would instantly qualify for Medicaid to get the costly medicine. The doctor then told them to come back in three business days for the results and he would give them a letter to expedite Desire's case. They thanked the doctor and headed home.

When they arrived at the doctor's office Friday evening, they told the receptionist they were there to see the doctor for test results. After waiting twenty minutes, they were called into the doctor's office.

“Her blood tests came back negative. All she had was a bad case of salmonella poisoning.”

“But my daughter was told, she tested positive for HIV!” Mrs. Avery exclaimed. “Are you sure?”

“We're very thorough here, Mrs. Avery. Desire tested negative for HIV.”

Mrs. Avery didn't want Desire to get false hope. “Listen, Desire, what we have to do is get ourselves another opinion.”

Desire shook her head, still too shocked to speak.

“Wait. Desire, when you entered the program, you were supposed to take an HIV test. Did you take one?”

“Yes, but I never bothered to look at the results,” Desire said.

When they got to Visions, Desire signed a release form to receive her medical papers. She was shaking so badly that her mother had to assist her in opening the folder. They flipped through each page until they got to the one they were looking for, and it was there in black and white:
NEGATIVE FOR ALL HIV ANTIBODIES
. Mother and daughter embraced, crying in each other's arms.

“Think backwards.” Mrs. Avery folded her arms. “Desire, who was the doctor who conducted the blood tests?”

Desire called Dr. Wiggins's office, but got the runaround. She and Nika decided to pay the doctor a visit. They arrived at the doctor's office Monday morning. Since they did not have an appointment, the receptionist suggested that they make one and come back then. Desire decided to take the situation in her own hands and went straight toward the back of the offices. When Desire busted through the doctor's door, she saw him sitting at the his desk, counseling another patient.

The doctor stood up, and asked in a defiant manner, “What the hell is going on?”

Breathing heavily, Desire held the door open and ordered the patient to leave. “Get the fuck out of here.”

The patient, a middle-aged white woman, looked into Desire's flaming red eyes and knew better than to challenge her order. She scurried out the door. The doctor stared at his patient's back as she ran out of the office without question.

“Now, Doctor,” Desire said through gritted teeth, “Sterling Rivers was my fiancé, and we took our blood tests here over two years ago, and mine came back positive for HIV. Yesterday I found out my test results were negative. Can you explain this to me?”

The doctor's face turned red.

He adjusted his tie and lied, “I haven't a clue as to what you're talking about.”

Desire's patience grew thin. “Well, maybe this will make you remember.” Desire reached into her bag and pulled out a small gun. She reached over, grabbed the portly doctor's tie, and stuck the weapon in his face.

“Now, I ain't gonna repeat myself. Sterling Rivers was my fiancé, and we took our blood test here two years ago. Mine came back positive for HIV. Now today I find out that I was never HIV positive.” Desire jerked his tie again, but this time she put the weapon in his mouth.

Nika stared at her daughter in horror and pleaded, “Desire, don't do it. Not like this, baby.”

Desire wasn't backing down. “No, I'm sorry, Ma. My life got fucked up, and I almost died. I know Whip was behind all this shit.”

The doctor nearly soiled his pants at the mention of Whip's name and began to whimper.

Desire pushed the weapon deeper down his throat and continued, “So either this motherfucker tells me something, or I'm blowing his fucking brains out right now!”

The doctor's eyes lit up, and he tried to speak. Barely audible with the steel in his mouth, he pleaded, “Okay, I'll tell you, I'll tell you!”

Desire pulled the gun from his mouth and he fell to the ground.

“It was Whip, Whip Daniels … he made me do it! He threatened me with violence; what was I to do? What was I to do?” he repeated.

Desire stared at him with disgust. He and Whip equally made her suffer in an unimaginable way all for the sake of revenge and money.

Desire felt her mother's hand on her shoulder. “Come on, it's over, baby.”

Just as they were about to exit the room, the doctor blurted out, “Whip wasn't alone when he paid me to falsify the records.” Desire and her mother stopped in their tracks and turned toward the doctor. “Sterling was with him; he was in on it too.”

Tiah, Chanel, and Carvelas all met up at Desire's mother's house later that evening. Desire's friends were appalled by the doctor's story. They each recommended violent ways to get back at Whip.

“Why don't you simply go to the police?” suggested Nika.

They all looked at her like she was an alien.

“Mrs. Avery,” Chanel said, “in the entertainment world, they
call him Mr. Untouchable because every time he is charged with a crime, the charges are mysteriously dropped or he is found not guilty”

Suddenly Desire had an idea.