A Summer To Remember: Novella (Lost Love Book 1) (3 page)

Isabelle

My head pounds from crying throughout the night. I'm not ready to climb out of bed and face reality. My thoughts wander to the ‘what ifs’?! Would Josh still be alive, if I didn't end things between us?

I shouldn’t have asked him to leave?

Xavier's blue eyes appear in the forefront of my mind, pushing the stresses of Josh aside.

Nothing can happen between us. I keep rehashing the statement in hopes I will start believing it. Xavier deserves somebody worth cherishing, not some broken individual.

Choosing to confront the world and my issues, I drag myself out of bed and go into the bathroom to freshen up.

Nikki didn't sleep in my room the previous evening. I ponder "where she vanished to?" pulling on a pair of jeans and a pink tank top. The house is quiet, everybody must be still sleeping. I'm planning to get something to eat and be out the door before anybody awakens. I head downstairs. Hopefully, having something to eat, will hold off the episode of sickness. My foot touches the last step, and a sudden nervousness hits me. Xavier's sat on the couch, giving me a little grin "Good morning."

"Morning, beautiful, did you rest soundly?"

I smile while responding. "Yeah, thank you. Where is everyone?"

"They stayed up until five this morning so likely still resting." 

I head into the kitchen to make myself a cup of cocoa. I pop some bread into the toaster and inquire about whether he would like any. When the toast's ready we both sit at the table and eat peacefully yet it's not an uncomfortable silence. I feel at home, with him sat alongside me.

"Tell me something about yourself?" Xavier inquires.

"All things considered, there's little to say. I want to be an English teacher. I love to dance and listen to music."

I would prefer not to discuss myself, so I divert the inquiry to him.

"Great profession. Why would you like to go into education?" He asks, not taking my cue that me as a point is forbidden. "I'm into computers as you may have speculated. I do a great deal of my work on YouTube*."

Thankfully, I'm spared when Nikki strolls into the kitchen.

“Where have you appeared from?” I tease. She can't wipe the grin off her face, behind her stands a timid looking Caleb.

"Morning, Caleb" I smile. Oh, he’s adorable. He’s blushing. Nikki's going to eat him alive.

"What’s everyone doing today?" Nikki asks nobody specifically.

Quickly coming up with an excuse, “I got things I need to do.” Things that I would rather do alone, I add to myself.

~#~

  Pulling up outside the drugstore, my hands begin to sweat. I can feel panic begin to take its place. You'll be alright, simply go into the store and get a pregnancy test. There is no reason to worry. I rehash again and again attempting to get the courage to venture out of the car.

  Deciding to pull my big girl panties up, I head into the store before I alter my opinion.

    It’s been three minutes. Those three minutes have been the longest in my life. Reaching for the test that’s sitting on my bedside cabinet, taking an unsteady breath. My eyes are locked on the outcome.

Pregnant.

  My stomach aches as torment in my midsection tightens my admission of breath. My heart and throat are blazing, attempting to force some air in yet it doesn't reduce the agony.

I'm so sorry, Josh.

  The blame is killing me. Josh won't get to watch his child grow up. What have I done? If I hadn’t made him leave he would still be here. He would get the chance to meet his child. We would have every one of the things we envisioned. Now, I’ve taken that away from him because I was selfish. Curling up on my bed, my heart feels like it's shattering once more. Why the hell is someone shaking me?!

     “Izzy, wake up, love,” Nikki murmurs.

Opening my eyes, I discover Nikki staring at something on the floor. Crap, I forgot the pregnancy test.

   “You’re pregnant?”

Nodding, “I’m frightened, Nikki. How can I look after a child? I killed someone. He’s dead because of me. If I hadn’t asked him to leave, he would be alive but I was too self-centered.” I’m practically screaming at her.

Gasping for breath. It hurts. It hurts so bad.

"Do not say stuff like that, You didn't make him leave, Izzy. He left on his own accord. He shouldn't have been driving when he was upset and angry. It wasn’t your fault. Do you hear me" She pulls me into her arms. "Shh … Everything is going to be okay. Why didn't you tell me know you were feeling along these lines? Perhaps, you ought to go and see somebody. You know to get things off your chest," she mumbles, with an anxious expression.

Pouring my heart out might benefit me some. "Possibly."

   "Honey, whichever way I will always be here for you."  Silence descends on us. both lost in our own particular musings. Nikki breaks the silence. “I will be one kickass auntie.” I can't resist the opportunity to snicker. She's right. She will be a kickass auntie. "We should have a girlie night at my place. I think Ice cream is in order.” In spite of the fact that I wrinkle my nose, I concur. “Alright, however there's some place I want to go first.”

~#~

It’s been three months since I was last here, stood at his grave.

Hey Josh,
I whispered with tears strolling down my face. I take a deep breath before I mindlessly ramble. Scared on how I’m going to break the news.
Well I got some news to tell you. I haven’t been feeling the best lately as you might have speculated. I can’t eat, sleep is virtually nonexistent. Knowing that you’re death was my fault is killing me.
I wish I could go back and stop you getting into the car.

A sob rips through my body. He should be here with me. How do I tell his parents, they’re going to be grandparents? I take a deep breath, attempting to silence my cries. 

I'm uncertain how to say this so I'm simply going to spit it out.

You’re going to be a daddy.

Can you believe it? I’m going have a piece of you with me for the rest of my life. This is so difficult to discuss yet I guarantee, the baby will know every little thing about you. How you could always make me laugh no matter the situation. How much I cherished you. They will know all the wild and amusing things we got up to. I promise.

God, Josh. I will remember and cherish you for the rest of my life.

The sound of footsteps heading towards me stops my rambling. Wiping the tears with the back of my hand, I pivot to see who’s there.

“Isabelle, what are you doing here?” Mrs Anderson inquires.

“I needed to visit Josh. I miss him.”

“I know, dear. I do, as well. Why don’t we have dinner on Friday?  I have a few things that Josh would want you to have."

“Okay.”

I stalk in the direction of Nikki's car, needing to get away from here as quick as I can. I'm on the verge of losing it, showing my weakness to all that can see. We arrive at Nikki’s apartment shortly after. What’s better than treating yourself to your favorite ice cream. When you've got a broken heart.

  Once we're settled Nikki dives into the nitty gritty, “So …. How are you feeling?”    

"I'm feeling somewhat better."

“Awesome, chick. How about we overlook the discouraging talk," claims Nikki. I abruptly turn away, envious how carefree and happy everyone around me is. Don't they understand I'm in my own personal hellfire?

“You okay, Izzy? All I implied is you merit a break.” Taking a deep breath, I offer her a frail grin.

“I’m alright, yet once in awhile, I require somebody to talk. You know?" looking at me sympathetically.

“I know, I’m sorry babe. You know I’m here for you, right?!” I swallow trying to hold back the flow of tears, that are trying their hardest to escape.

“I know. In any case, where were you the yesterday evening?"

“Well, I kinda hooked up with Caleb. He stirs feelings inside me, that no one has before,” Nikki says with a dreamy look.

“I gathered that this morning considering he followed you into the kitchen, looking sheepish. Is it safe to say that it was a one-night thing or would you say you’re going to give him a shot?"

"I'm not certain. I get butterflies when I'm close to him. It's far too early for me to be falling for him plus you know I don't date."

I know how she’s feeling. I seem to have an intense attraction to Xavier. Not that anything can happen especially while I’m carrying another person's child.

“I’ve seen the way Xavier looks at you. What do you think? Are you interested?”

“He’s gorgeous, but we haven’t really had a conversation except for him telling me I’m hot.”

“Really? You have been holding out on me girl. Why the hell haven’t you said anything?”

“I just did.”

“Haha, you’re bloody funny.”

A phone beeping pulls our attention from the movie. Nikki grabs her phone and starts messaging someone.

“That was Caleb, wanting to know if we would like to join them tonight. They’re ordering pizza. What do you say?”

Pizza does sound good. How can I possibly still be hungry after eating half a tub of ice cream is another story.

“Okay, sounds good.”

The minute I pull to a stop outside the house. My hands begin sweating in anticipation of seeing Xavier again. Inside, all four boys are taking part in an intense session of Call of Duty. And yelling obscenities at the telly. Not realizing we're stood in the doorway watching them. Nikki makes a sound as if to speak, gaining their attention.

“Oh, hey girls,” the third boy greets us.  "I'm James. I didn't get the opportunity to talk to you properly yesterday."

James is cute in a boy next door kind of way. He's alright if you like that type of look. I prefer the more rugged, bad boy appearance. Swinging my gaze to where Kyle and Xavier are sat, I see Xavier glowering toward James. What's his issue? Taking a seat across the room, I motion for the boys to let me have a game.

This is the most fun I've had, in quite a while. We're all lounging around laughing and having a generally good time. I kicked the boy's butts, which they're not pleased about to say the least.

  I discover myself clinging to each word that leaves Xavier's mouth. Needing to be near him. Pondering what his lips will feel like pressed against mine. He must feel my gaze, his lips transform into a little smile. Crap, did I get caught gazing at his lips? Disregarding my humiliation once more, I return his smile with one of my own. 

At that point, the guilt reminds me I have no privilege being happy and having a ton of fun. Excusing myself, I head towards the stairs yet can't help looking over my shoulder. Nikki's grimacing at me and Xavier has a concerned expression. Shrugging my shoulders is my method for telling Nikki I'm alright. I advance toward my room.

  Sleep is hard to come by. I’ve been tossing and turning for the last couple of hours. The house has at last gone calm. Everybody has probably resigned to their rooms. Shutting my eyes once more, I hope sleep will finally come.

“Why are you so self-centered? Three years! We’ve been together three years and you're simply going to end things between us. Don't I mean anything to you?” Josh shouts, his face carved with torment.  His eyes are glistening with tears, threatening my emotions to spill. "You do mean something to me. You know you do. I'm in love with you. My parents are pressuring me live a little before I settle down.”

“What about us, Izzy? Are you not going to fight for us? We can't simply abandon three years." He cups my face within his hands. “You're my life. The person I want to spend the rest of my existence with.”

“They're not going to support me if we stay together. I have to get my degree.” As soon as the word's leave my mouth, regret pummels into me. A lapse of judgment on my part. Josh is my life, we've spent every day for three years together. Can I let him go because of what my parents want? An expression of remorse is on the tip of my tongue before I voice my statement of regret. Josh roared  “you’re giving up on us?” He's furious. "I thought I was the one for you, however, I'm clearly not." Shaking his head, he sets out toward the door without saying anything else.

I wake in a panic, It was a dream, you're fine Izzy. My body is shaking wildly, a shadow appears in the doorway. An American accent greets me. “you alright, Isabelle?” Not knowing what I’m supposed to say to him, I look down at my lap. And feel a calm arise as he takes a stride closer to me. “Do you have nightmares?”

"Once in awhile."

The bed plunges as Xavier sits alongside me. "Would you like to discuss it?" I shrug. Humiliated, terrified of what he will think of me if I tell him the truth; who I truly am.

"Alright, however if you need to talk, you know where I am." The only response I give him is a nod of my head. He stands and crosses the room. Grabbing the chair from the corner of the room, he places it beside the bed. "I'm going to stay here until you nod off." Opening my mouth to let him know it isn't necessary, he raises his hand to stop the flow of words tumbling past my lips. “For my piece of mind. Alright?” Reluctantly laying my head against the pillow. Xavier grabs hold of my hand and begins humming, which drives me into a restful sleep.