A Surrendered Heart (30 page)

She felt a gentle tap on her shoulder. Ellert’s lawyer, Mr. Craig, stood beside her. He had accompanied the family to Broadmoor Island to await news of Ellert.

“I’ll come with you.”

“You don’t need to do that,” she replied.

He offered a sympathetic smile. “I’m afraid I must. We need to discuss how you would like to handle your husband’s funeral arrangements, Mrs. Jackson.”

29

Monday, August 21, 1899
Rochester, New York

The return journey to Rochester proved more exhausting than Amanda had expected, but she’d done her best to remain calm in the wake of her many decisions. Her choice to have Ellert laid to rest beside his deceased wife in Rochester hadn’t taken long. But Mr. Craig didn’t approve. He thought New York City a better place, but Amanda remained steadfast in her decision. Mr. Craig likely thought her uncaring and selfish, but no matter the location of the services, she doubted any of Ellert’s business associates would appear. With the exception of Mr. Craig, none of them had been there for the wedding. Why would they attend his funeral?

“I do wish you would reconsider. I think Ellert would have preferred New York City as his final resting place,” Mr. Craig said once they’d entered the Rochester depot.

Amanda stopped and met the man’s pleading look. “His final home is either heaven or hell, Mr. Craig. What truly matters is not where we bury his bodily remains but where he spends eternity. If Ellert didn’t make his peace with God before he died, I imagine we both know where he is.” She didn’t want to seem unduly harsh, but arguing was useless. She patted the man’s arm. “Besides, Ellert never mentioned a specific desire to be buried in New York City—at least not to me.”

“I’m sure he didn’t. Ellert thought he was indestructible.”

“Then he was a foolish man. My decision stands, Mr. Craig.”

“Very well. I will abide by your wishes, Mrs. Jackson. If you’d like me to accompany you to the mortuary, I would be willing to do so.”

“You are most kind. I’d be pleased for your assistance. I know Ellert trusted your judgment.” She would never be able to refer to Ellert as her husband, and she certainly didn’t feel like a grieving widow. “If you will advise one of the porters to have the body delivered to the Ambrose Funeral Home, we can go directly there and meet with Mr. Ambrose.”

Mr. Craig arched his bushy brows. “Now? Don’t you think you should rest? You’ve been subjected to a great deal of distress. I fear the strain will be too great.”

“Thank you for your concern, but I need to see the arrangements completed. After that, I will make my way to the hospital and check on my father’s progress.”

He shrugged. “I’m truly glad that he is recovering. I was relieved to hear they were able to bring him directly to Rochester from Clayton.”

“I appreciate your concern about my father,” Amanda said with a smile. “Dr. Carstead took care of everything. Father’s body was quite battered by the storm, and the doctors fear he’s developed pneumonia. However, the Rochester hospital is quite good. Now if you’ll excuse me.”

“But of course. Again, you have my condolences.”

While Mr. Craig strode off to locate a porter, Amanda motioned to her cousins. Both Fanny and Sophie hurried to her side. “I’m going to the funeral home to arrange for Ellert’s burial. Would you be kind enough to go to the hospital and check on Mother? Let her know that I will head over there afterwards to see Father.”

“And Blake?” Sophie questioned with a slight grin. “He has been most attentive to care for your father, as I’ve heard Paul tell it. I suppose he hopes to charm Uncle Jonas so that he will allow you to marry him. Not that Uncle Jonas will have that much to say this time.”

“Sophie!” Fanny chided.

“Well, it’s true. We all know Amanda didn’t love Ellert Jackson. Now she’s free to marry Blake.” She offered Amanda a consoling look. “I’m ever so sorry about your father nearly dying, but isn’t it grand that your future isn’t tied to that nasty Mr. Jackson?”

“I didn’t wish Ellert dead, but I am most thankful that I am no longer his wife.”

“Your next wedding will be a much happier occasion,” Sophie said.

“Talk of another marriage is highly inappropriate while I’m in the midst of Ellert’s funeral arrangements, but should I marry again, you may be assured it will be for love and not for money.”

Fanny signaled toward the door leading to the train platform. “We’ll see to your mother. You will come home directly after the hospital, won’t you?”

“Yes.” She kissed each of her cousins on the cheek. “Tell Mother I’ll come to the hospital as soon as I make these arrangements.”

“I doubt we’ll be at the mortuary for more than an hour,” Mr. Craig added as he approached and offered his arm.

Once they were settled inside the coach, Mr. Craig leaned forward and clasped his hands together. “We will need to meet during the next weeks to discuss your future, Mrs. Jackson.”

“My future? What do you mean?”

“You will need to advise me how you wish to proceed regarding your financial assets.”

“Financial assets?”

“You are now a very wealthy woman, Mrs. Jackson. I’m not certain you know the full extent of your husband’s vast holdings, but you are his only heir, and many decisions will be required.” He rubbed his hands together. “I represented Ellert for many years and would be willing to act as your legal advisor. I know how difficult it is for women to understand the complexities of business matters.”

“Many of us are not as obtuse as you may believe, Mr. Craig. I am willing to meet with you and review all of the documents concerning Ellert’s assets. I will then decide how I wish to proceed.” She hoped she had spoken with enough authority to convince Mr. Craig that she’d not be cheated. Her entire family had suffered due to the corruption and greed of lawyers and learned businessmen, her own father among them. She’d not traverse that same path. The money she received would be put to good use helping those truly in need. She would begin by using some of Ellert’s money to finance a multitude of infant summer hospitals.

Bright sunlight slanted across the crisp white sheet on Jonas’s hospital bed. Ellert would still be alive if there had been weather such as this on Amanda’s wedding day. Or would he?
Is it true that we have an appointed time to die?
Jonas wondered. Was that why he had survived and Ellert had died? Or was it merely because he’d grown up around the water, knew how to swim, and hadn’t panicked?

What if he had been the one to die and Ellert had lived? The thought gave him pause. His family’s suffering would have been extreme. Ellert would have produced their contract and taken delight in seeing every Broadmoor possession sold. Victoria would have been left destitute, and Amanda would have lived the remainder of her life in a loveless marriage. He shuddered at the thought of such a legacy.

His life had been spared. What legacy would he create for his family with this second chance he’d been given? Jonas rested his arm across his forehead, and for the first time in many years, he wept. Sorrow enveloped him more tightly than the sheet the nurse had tucked around his body.

“Forgive me, Lord,” he whispered. “I know I don’t deserve forgiveness from you or from my family, but I beg you to hear my prayer. Teach me what I must do to make amends and heal the wounds I’ve caused. Amen.”

He couldn’t recall the last time he’d prayed. The plea hadn’t eased the agonizing pain; the gnawing remorse remained lodged deep in his heart. He’d hoped to experience immediate relief, but he knew that wasn’t going to happen. His decisions had cut too deeply, and that would be too easy. God’s forgiveness was immediate, but a simple prayer wouldn’t set things aright with his family. From this point forward, his actions must speak for him. His family would test him and expect to see changes in his life. He massaged his forehead. Could he truly change his ways? Would God help him restore his place as head of his family? Did he even deserve such a chance?

The family would likely be better off if he had drowned along with Ellert. But death hadn’t come, and he must be man enough to face the consequences of his wrongdoings. “It won’t be easy,” he muttered before sleep once again overtook him.

Amanda slipped into her father’s hospital room and marveled at how small and unimposing he looked lying there in the bed. His eyes were closed, and for a moment Amanda feared he might have passed on, but stepping closer she could hear his even breathing.

As if sensing her presence, Jonas opened his eyes and stared at her for a moment. “Amanda.”

She smiled. “Hello, Father. The doctors tell me you are doing much better. That is good news.”

He gave a feeble smile. “Your mother says God has given me a second chance.”

Amanda nodded. “He’s given all of us a second chance.”

Her father’s eyes filled with tears. “I . . . never meant . . . I know it was . . .”

“Hush, don’t worry yourself. Everything is resolved.”

“No. There is a great deal of business to attend to once I recover. I wronged so many that it’s difficult to know where and how to begin making amends.”

“I’m certain those you’ve mistreated will come to forgive you in time,” Amanda said.

Jonas extended his hand, and she took hold of it. “I’ve done so much wrong. Money—accruing it—has ruled my life. I have asked for God’s forgiveness and prayed that our family be restored. Do you think that’s possible?”

Amanda could hear the desperation in his voice. She had never seen her father like this before. She smiled and patted his hand with her gloved fingers. “If there is one thing I have learned in all of this—it’s that God can do anything.”

“I pray you’re right.”

“I am. But remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences. People will still have to deal with their wounds, and because of that, you will also have to deal with them.”

“I will take whatever punishment I must. I deserve to be ostracized by the entire family. I can’t expect everyone to simply understand and accept what I’ve done. I hope I can prove to them that I’ve become a better man. I may be required to face time in jail for what I’ve done.” He pressed the back of his hand across his lips.

“I don’t think—”

He shook his head. “I’ve stolen and lied, and that’s merely the beginning. Those I’ve harmed will think it only fair that I pay the penalty for my crimes. And they’re correct. It is the just and fair thing.”

“This isn’t about being fair,” Amanda replied. “It’s about grace. God has extended it to us, and we ought to extend it to one another.” She leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. “I must go now. You need to rest.”

Nothing she could say would ease his guilt. Even with the promise of God’s forgiveness and the reassurance that she’d forgiven him, Amanda knew it would take much longer before her father was free of his own shame. Each time he looked at his family members, he would be reminded of the tragedy he’d caused among those he claimed to love the most. She prayed her father would discover that the love of God and family would eventually heal all of them.

“The doctors tell me I might return home in another few days,” her father said.

Amanda smiled. “We shall all anticipate it with joy.”

She walked down the hospital corridor, the smile still on her face. Amanda knew that God had completely touched her heart where her father was concerned. She held him no ill will or malice for the things he’d done, and to her surprise she found not only comfort but liberty in that knowledge.

I’m free
, she thought.
Free of the pain and sorrow. Free from the worry of whom to blame for what. Free to forgive. I’m free, and now I can make my own choices about the future.

She looked at the sterile hall and glanced into the rooms as she passed. The hospital had always intrigued her, even as a child, but more so now as she considered how she might reenter her training to become a doctor. Maybe even a surgeon. Now, there was a challenge.

“I hope I’m not interrupting. You seem to be daydreaming about something very pleasant.”

“Blake.” She whispered his name with great love.

“When did you return?”

“Just a short time ago. I escorted Ellert’s body to the funeral home and arranged for his service. It won’t be much. He has no friends or family. I imagine it will simply be the lawyer and me in attendance.”

“I can be there if you want me.”

She shook her head. “Thank you, but no. I want to lay this part of my life to rest and be done with it forever. It seems best to do that on my own.”

Blake opened the door to a small room. “Come sit with me for a moment. This room will afford us a little privacy.”

Amanda entered the room, took a chair, and sat rather primly on the edge. “I appreciate all of the help you’ve given us,” she said, feeling awkward as Blake closed the door.

“It was the least I could do.” He looked at her and seemed tongue-tied.

“How are things at the Home?” She disliked the silence that hung between them.

“Good. Quincy has obtained several new investors.” Blake picked at a piece of lint on his trousers. “I think we’ll finally get those ceilings replastered and painted.”

Amanda smiled and then giggled. She relaxed and leaned toward Blake to whisper, “There are three hundred and twenty-seven places where the paint and plaster has fallen away in my recovery room.”

Blake grinned. “Counted them, did you?”

“I had nothing else to do. I had the cruelest of physicians. He wouldn’t let me do anything at all.”

“Sounds like a very wise man.”

“He wasn’t acting out of wisdom.”

Blake raised a brow. “Do tell.”

“He was lovesick. He was mooning over me like a schoolboy. That’s the only reason he wouldn’t let me out of bed.”

“Perhaps you were just delusional—hallucinating. Cholera can do that to a person.” Blake gave her a look that suggested she challenge his comment.

Amanda got to her feet, and Blake quickly did likewise.

She shrugged. “I had considered that. I’m still not completely certain that I didn’t just imagine it all.”

He grabbed her unexpectedly. It was nothing like the harsh, painful manner in which Ellert had taken hold of her.

“Maybe you’re just imagining this, as well.” He kissed her passionately, pulling her tightly against him.

Amanda couldn’t help but sigh.

“I didn’t mean to lose control,” he whispered against her ear. “I honestly didn’t come here to impose myself upon you. I know it’s the worst possible time.”

“We both know I didn’t love Ellert Jackson. He meant nothing but pain and sorrow to me. It sounds callous, but his death only served to remind me of how sin can corrupt a man to death.”