A Table for Two (14 page)

Dana stopped walking and studied Ridley's face. "You haven't? I'm surprised."

"Well, it's true. It's just never happened to me." Ridley wondered why she felt she had to reveal so much about herself to Dana. They hardly knew each other and yet she seemed unable to hold anything back or exercise even a sensible amount of caution. She asked Dana the next obvious question. "What about you? Have you ever been in love?"

"Yes, but only once." Dana looked off in the distance and said nothing more.

For the next ten minutes or so, they walked along the beach side by side in silence. Dana's earlier question made Ridley acutely aware that this truly was the first time she'd ever walked on this beach with a woman who meant something to her, someone other than her close family and friends. That fact she kept to herself.

Dana was the first to break the silence. "It was awfully nice of your mother to let us all use her house this weekend." Dana stood still for a moment and gazed into Ridley's eyes.

"My mother considers this house to be mine as well as hers and she loves it when I bring my friends here." Ridley found it impossible to tear her eyes away from Dana's. She longed to raise her hand and trace a line with her finger from the corner of Dana's eye, down her cheek and then to the corner of her mouth. "I look forward to this weekend with Karen and Laurie every year, but having you here has made it even more special."

Dana took a deep breath and as she released it, she sighed. "I love the way the air smells near the ocean, don't you? There are so many layers in it."

"I love it, too and I love the constant sound of the waves."

Dana looked out at the water. "I love everything about the ocean."

Ridley wanted to say that she loved everything about Dana, but she held her tongue and said something else instead. She felt dangerously close to doing or saying something she'd live to regret later on. "I never get tired of it no matter how many times I come here."

Again, they started walking and every now and then, the uneven terrain and soft yielding sand threw one of them off balance and caused them to brush up against each other. After a few minutes, Dana stopped and turned toward Ridley. "Please tell me if I'm out of line or if you'd rather not talk about this, but I'm curious about your father. You told me he died and I'd like to know what happened to him."

"He died of a heart attack." Ridley's voice barely rose above the sound of the wind and the crashing of the waves. She stared at her hands and twisted them together while she told Dana the story. "We were down here for the weekend and he went for a walk while my mother was getting dinner ready. He did that almost every day when he was here. Sometimes I went with him, but this time I stayed behind to help my mother and this time he never came back."

"God, I'm so sorry." Dana studied Ridley's face. "I can see how sad this makes you and you don't have to tell me any more about it if it's too hard for you."

"No, it's okay. It helps me to talk about it and it doesn't hurt as much as it used to." Ridley took a deep breath. "My mother had the phone in her hand and was about to call the police when they knocked on the door. Some man had found him on the beach and called 911. The man did CPR, but my father didn't respond and the paramedics couldn't revive him either. In the end, there was nothing anyone could do. The hospital told us he died of a massive coronary." Ridley's voice broke and tears pooled in her eyes. Her lips quivered and made it impossible to speak.

"It's okay." Dana wrapped her hand around Ridley's forearm. "Take your time and tell me more about him if you feel you can."

After some deep breaths, Ridley said, "He was a kind and wonderful man. I loved him very much. He worked hard to give us the life he thought we should have and he did so many nice things for me. When I was in college, I used to come down for the weekend and he and I would sit on the deck and drink beer and talk until late into the night. He was interested in everything about me. That's just the way he was."

"Good fathers are like that. Mine's the same way." Dana ran her hand down Ridley's forearm and when she reached her hand she grasped it firmly in her own. "What was his name? You never said."

"His name was Jeremy. Jeremy Paul Kelsen." Ridley held onto Dana's hand as if she were holding onto a lifeline. "My mother and I adored him. We'd both give everything we own just to have him back." Ridley dabbed at her tears with her free hand. "For a long time my mother was so sick with grief I wasn't sure she'd ever recover. I thought I'd lost both my parents. I took time off from work and then when school ended I stayed with her all summer. Eventually she got past the worst part of it and she started to look better."

"That was a terrible loss for her and for you." Dana tightened her hold on Ridley's hand and moved in closer to her. "I can't imagine how hard it must have been."

"Sometimes I wonder..."

Dana waited and then asked, "What do you wonder?"

"I think about how tenuous life is and how someone's life can be snuffed out in a split second and..." Ridley paused for a moment. "And I wonder if my father just doesn't exist any longer or if he lives on in some other dimension or in some other form of life. I wonder if he cares about me or watches over me."

"Those are disturbing questions that have no answer."

"I know," Ridley said softly. "They make my heart ache when I'm alone in the dark and after a while I always come to the inevitable question--the most painful one. Does the fact that he was here even matter in the grand scheme of things? Does it matter for any of us?"

"Those are hard things to think about."

"Do you know what's even harder to think about? I..." Ridley stifled a sob and took a few seconds to gather her emotions. "I'm sorry. It hurts me to talk about this. " Although she didn't want to, she had to let go of Dana's hand and use her sweatshirt sleeves to soak up her tears.

"What hurts you so much?" Dana asked. "I want to know."

Ridley re-gained enough composure to go on. "I never told him I was gay. I wanted to and I almost did a few times, but I was too scared and too weak. He used to tell me he hoped I would meet someone special someday and get married. He couldn't wait for me to have children so he could have grandchildren."

"I'm so sorry," Dana said quietly.

"I let him down. I was his only child and..." Ridley's body shook all over and her hands trembled as she reached up to stem the never ending tide of tears. "I wasn't...I couldn't be what he wanted me to be. He died and he never knew who I was."

Dana reached into her pocket. "Here, I always carry tissues."

"Thanks." Ridley wiped her eyes and blew her nose. She put the used tissues in the pocket of her sweatpants and attempted a halfhearted smile. "Wiping my eyes on my sleeve is one thing, but blowing my nose on it would be disgusting."

Dana smiled gently and reached for Ridley's hand. "Your hands are trembling." She held it in her own and pressed their joined hands against Ridley's chest. "What about your mother? Does she know you're a lesbian?"

Ridley nodded. "I told her as soon as I thought she was well enough to hear it. I didn't want to make the same mistake twice." Ridley gripped Dana's hand tighter and held it to her, grateful for the comfort of her touch. If she could control time, she'd make it stop so she could stand on this beach and hold Dana's hand against her chest forever. Dana's hand grounded her and held her in a place she never wanted to leave.

"How did she take it?" Dana stared into Ridley's eyes.

"She was shocked at first and she cried a lot. It was tense for a few days, but then she told me she'd already suspected it because I'd never had any interest in men. Anyway, in the end, she told me she loved me and she wanted me to be happy, no matter who I chose to love. As it turned out, telling her the truth brought us closer together."

"Did you tell her how you felt about not telling your father?"

Ridley nodded a second time. "She reminded me that he loved me and he was proud of me and she told me she was certain that if he knew he would still feel the same way. Then she said there was no way I could ever let him down. She suggested I write him a letter."

"And did you?"

"Yes, that very night. I told him everything. I even put the letter in an envelope, addressed it and put a stamp on it. I still have it in my room at home."

"Did it help?" Dana asked.

"I think so. Too bad I didn't have the guts to do it while he was still alive." Ridley broke down and cried softly. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess."

"No, don't say you're sorry. You're not a mess. You're sweet, you're honest, you're..."

"It feels so good to hold your hand. Please don't let go."

Dana squeezed Ridley's hand and brought their hands down between them. "I'm not going to let go. Come on, we'll hold hands while we walk." She tugged on Ridley's hand and they headed up the beach.

A brisk, steady wind skidded across the water and it grew increasingly colder. Before long, Ridley noticed that Dana had started to shiver even though she'd worn a sweatshirt. She let go of Dana's hand and took her hooded sweatshirt jacket off. She stood behind Dana and placed it over her shoulders. "You're shivering. I want you to put this on."

"Thanks, it's nice and warm." Dana pulled it around her. "But what about you?"

"I'm okay. I've got another shirt on under this sweater."

As if some outside force had seized control of her actions, Ridley kept her hands on Dana's shoulders and began to massage them. And before she could stop herself, she pressed her chest against Dana's back and embraced her from behind. A sigh escaped unbidden as she buried her face in Dana's hair.

Dana turned around in Ridley's arms. "What are you doing?"

"You're beautiful. I thought so the very first time I saw you."

"I don't know what to say." Dana lowered her eyes.

Ridley held Dana's chin in her hand and lifted it so she could see her eyes. "Please don't be upset with me for saying that." Ridley traced her fingers from the corner of Dana's left eye to the corner of her mouth exactly like she had longed to do earlier. After lingering at the corner of Dana's mouth for a heart beat or two, she brushed her fingertips over Dana's lips. Her touch was the lightest of touches and yet it unleashed a passion so wild it nearly swept her away.

"Ridley, please. I don't want you to do that. I..." Dana's lips parted and she touched the tip of her tongue to her lower lip.

Ridley moved closer until their bodies were touching. "Your mouth is so amazing." Her head inched closer and closer of its own volition until she felt Dana's breath on her lips. "Oh, Dana, I'm dying to kiss you."

"Then you'd better kiss me," Dana whispered back.

Ridley's kiss was hungry, desperate and fraught with all the longing and pent-up desire that had tormented her for weeks. As the kiss deepened, Dana moaned and parted her lips even more. That allowed Ridley to enter and explore the warmest, softest place she'd ever known. They were in each other's arms on the beach in the moonlight, but Ridley had lost all awareness of anything apart from the feel of their two mouths united in one breathtaking kiss.

Dana pulled her mouth away, placed the palm of one hand on Ridley's chest and pushed gently as if to create a little distance between them. She took a step backward as she struggled to catch her breath. "Ridley, listen to me. You..." She looked nervous as she brushed a piece of hair away from her eyes. "You can't be attracted to me, you just can't."

"But I already am, Dana," Ridley confessed between ragged breaths.

"I know and I don't want you to be." Dana lowered her eyes.

"I want to kiss you again. I don't want to stop," Ridley whispered.

"We have to. Please understand that this is not about you. I like you and I think you're a nice person and you're very attractive, but I don't think we should be any more than friends. I gave my heart away once and I think she still owns it. It's not finished for me, I..."

"You're in love with someone else?" Ridley grimaced. "I'm so sorry. She stepped back to create a greater space between them. "I've been so attracted to you since I met you and I thought maybe you felt the same about me. I never knew you were with someone. I had no idea or I would never have..."

"I'm not with her, not anymore. I used to be, but that was a long time ago. I'm not even sure I still love her." Dana folded her arms across her chest as if to protect herself. "I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea or did anything to lead you on. It's just that I don't want this with anyone. I don't need any complications in my life right now."

"I understand. It's just that..." Ridley struggled to gain control of her emotions. She was still recovering from that kiss and she didn't want to expose either the enormity of her desire or her anguish. In fact, she was shocked by the depth of her own reaction. "I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. We have mutual friends and I'd hate it if we had to avoid each other."

"So would I. We have good times to look forward to and I don't know about you, but I need all the friends I can get." Dana seemed to relax a little.

"I'd like to be your friend," Ridley said although she knew it was an out and out lie. She wanted so much more than that. In fact, when it came to Dana, she wanted it all. In spite of her hurt and disappointment, she managed a feeble smile.

Dana turned in the direction of the house. "Let's go back now. I'm tired and it's getting late and it's also getting way too cold out here."

"Okay." Ridley turned and walked beside Dana all the way to the house.

As soon as they got inside, Ridley grabbed Dana's arm to prevent her from making a beeline to her room. "Wait, please. I just want to say I'm sorry. I would never force myself on you. I promise it'll never happen again."

"I'm not worried and please stop saying you're sorry. You didn't force anything on me. You kissed me and it was nice. It was more than nice and I don't think you should feel bad about it."

"I won't be able to sleep if I think you're angry or upset with me."

"I'm not angry or upset, Ridley. You paid me a compliment and you don't need to apologize for being attracted to me." Dana looked into Ridley's eyes. "Trust me when I tell you this has nothing to do with you as a person. It's my problem. To be honest, I think you're incredibly attractive and if things were different..."