A Tapless Shoulder (16 page)

He laughed a
bit more and shook his head. He looked at me expectantly at first,
then strangely. “You okay, man? You look really, um, rattled or
stressed or something, dude,” he asked, probably more concerned and
distracted by my unblinking stare.
Please, step back from the abyss that was once someone you
knew
, I thought, suddenly
gauging just how far removed I had been for a moment too
long.

I smiled
falsely, “Thanks for the fun update, hard to keep up with that old
codger. I’m just, uh, thinking I’ll have to get a hold of him and
see where he’s off to and what … shenanigans he’s … stuff,” I
bluffed horribly. I felt I really was losing my mind. I imagined
myself telling Charlie he was sweet and pouring syrup on his
face.
What? This? I just
bought it for pancakes. Why you got a pancake face,
Charlie?

He looked at
me as though I had just begun to slow dance intimately with his
mother… and had very busy hands.
Had I just said something out loud
, I wondered.

I nodded at
Charlie, and then shook my head.

“
I don’t know what’s going on with my dad, ever since my mom
died, it’s just, I don’t even know, it’s just been fucked I guess.
It’s just been really, really fucked,” I stopped and fell into a
stare again. “I should go… call me,” I said, and hoped it didn’t
sound like a dare or like
I
was going off to
call
me
.

“
Oh, and say hi to your mom for me,” I added, really more
for myself than him, then laughed and turned suddenly expecting to
find someone else there laughing instead. Next, for the tiniest
moment, we both stood just staring until I nodded again at him. It
was like I needed to in order to end our conversation both
officially
and
casually. Then, as if on cue, I
turned and walked away from him toward my car, where I wished I
could hide until this all blew over.

I sat in the
car in front of the house. I needed a moment… to collect… stuff,
and things, in my head. I wanted to make sense of
something
. I had nothing. What the hell was going on? What was
my dad doing? And, on top of that, how on earth were other people
getting involved? That was what I really didn’t get:
people were joining in.
How were others joining something
that didn’t make sense? My dad was running a halfway house over
there… for the… sexually confused... to which he was sending out
invitations.
Confused
, the word
didn’t seem right. Did they know what they wanted but it just
wasn’t what the rest of us were used to? It was automatic for me,
and maybe everyone, to dislike that which I didn’t understand. I
paused. Maybe there was a politically correct attitude in me after
all. That had me thinking I should throw myself through the front
window of the house and tell Katie
just
how wrong she was
about me.

There was a
point days ago when I would have said I was unraveling, but not
anymore. I was well past that now; I was completely
unraveled
.
Every thought in my head had become tangled in that mess of kite
strings competing for the garbage can. Where was I going with
myself and, more importantly, who exactly was asking that question?
I felt like I was running out of time to put effort into bringing
myself to a state of being…
better
? I didn’t
know. I knew that much. I needed to do something and I knew it
wasn’t outside me the way I kept making it seem. I needed to change
something, something about myself. . Didn’t we all? I had tried,
hadn’t I? After my mom died, I began reading all those books that
were supposed to be relevant to living. It struck me as relative
thing to do in the face of death: trying to live better. I should
have learned something about myself in the process, shouldn’t I
have? I achieved to a degree some level of success. I had quieted
myself internally.
Or had
I?
I rested my forehead
against the steering wheel. Since Nate had gotten that call, and
after meeting Candy, and whatever else happened in there, no matter
how far removed I found myself, the most insignificant moment threw
me right back into it, right back into all sorts of knots and
tangles. And
still
, even while
being snagged in so many ways, my mind raced and stumbled only to
race some more. All I could think now was
HOLD STILL; you are only going to make things worse
clamouring about like that.

My phone
beeped. It was another text from Katie,
um hello? everything ok? I love you.
I replied that I would be home soon.
The phone felt heavy in my hand. I considered again or, more
accurately since the consideration to phone my dad had been
constant, I again gave that stream my attention. I still couldn’t
find any words that wanted to be said out loud. The details: they
were the problem, and, more specifically, so was how to address
them. ‘Hey dad, is Uncle Donnie a drag queen? Or does Candy
sometimes dress up like Uncle Donnie?
Or is she Uncle Donnie
? Can
they
do
that
? Just
wondering…’

I had the
idea that I should just go visit him, but it occurred to me there
would be no guarantee he’d be alone. I could hardly think about
these things, never mind talk to my dad about them in front of an
audience, not that audience. I’d just be in there stuttering and
muttering. No chance of that, so I would have to call him and ask
him to meet me somewhere for coffee; maybe that could work. I would
have to not think about it, not build it into something that could
only fall apart. I would tell him no drinking, to just drive there,
like an adult, and if he could do that, I would certainly do the
same. I opened the car door. I just might have been on my way to
believing something.

“
This has got
to stop,” I said to Katie before I’d even shut the front door
behind me. She looked at me like I had come through the door as a
bear. She was standing in the living room. The boys were climbing
on the couch cushions they’d piled in the centre of the room.
“Daddy,” they shouted one after the other.

“
Hi guys,” I said with a smile before turning my attention
back to Katie. “Not this
,
us,
I mean this,
my dad
, my dad
this
and… and all the effing crazy stuff
that goes with that. Like, holy crap, I am losing my mind over all
of it. Granted, yeah, sure, who knows, maybe I was losing it before
any of this. I don’t know: I feel like I ran out of time to figure
that out.” I looked at her like what I said next was going to make
it all make perfect sense. I took a deep breath, “I was just
talking to Charlie down at the bank. He saw my dad last night.
Okay, he said someone that he could have sworn was my uncle Donnie
was with my dad
dressed in
drag
.”

“
Your dad was
in drag? Or your uncle was?”

“
Uncle,” I
said loudly like I had just given up.

Katie
shrugged to indicate she didn’t know either. I stood pulling at my
chin. “Something wants to suck myself into myself, and – man, that
sounds horrible, doesn’t it? Oh God, I’m being bombarded here.” I
quickly swung my shoulders as if trying to get away from someone
reaching for me from behind. I then bent over slightly like I’d run
there unwillingly from too far away. I stepped forward and then
back, and began to moan as though I were in a great deal of pain. I
straightened to end my dramatic exaggeration, figuring if she
didn’t get the point by now, she never would.

“
I don’t even know if I’m saying what I should be. Everyone
is so effing politically correct and friggin’ anal as hell,” I
paused, made a face like I had stepped in something awful; I
blinked and shook my head. “I just, I’m sure to offend someone the
second I talk to anyone about it. Hell, I’m offending
myself
by talking about it. Like,
WHAT?
” I
exclaimed loudly.
“WHAT DOES
THAT MEAN? I DON’T KNOW – I THINK THAT’S MY POINT. And it’s not
like I’ll allow myself to Google this stuff; there are just some
things I need to be in the dark about. I’m thinking this is
definitely one of them. What one might call ignorant, I’m calling
naïve, maybe even
innocent
. I’m afraid
of what kind of porn would come up, or what if I found out my dad
has a website?
I simply don’t
want to know
. Is that so bad?
Why can’t the man just drink alone like your
mom?”

Katie looked
at me, confused, “I don’t… okay, you said what to
who
? Do you mean to Charlie? Like just now?” she asked trying
to catch up with my train of thought. She sat down on the couch and
watched me still standing by the door.

“
No,” I shook my head, “well, yes,” I corrected, suddenly
feeling very tired, “I said, what, to Charlie, like, quite
literally,
a
lot
. I just – am I really
going to have to speak about these things specifically in order for
them to go away? Or, okay, maybe what I mean is if I am going to;
I’d like to be able to do so as an adult, but, right there, I know
it’ll come out completely wrong because I have yet to, in my life,
feel like an adult. I don’t think I know what I’m talking about. I
don’t know. I’m fine when we joke and say what we will to one
another here, but I’m really not sure I even know what I’m
addressing here. I mean, I was saying to you transvestite, you told
me it’s transsexual, and I’m pretty sure you’re right. Crap, I just
don’t know. I don’t know why I’m making a big deal out of the
stupid wording. I think I’m just trying in vain to distract myself.
Yeah, well, it’s not working and now I resent it for its lack of…
distraction power. I mean, I know I’m not going to offend my dad.
Jeez, who even knows what words he’s using? Or maybe he just
doesn’t
. I don’t know if I even know him anymore Katie,” I
exclaimed painfully, as it had just occurred to
me.

She already
was at me, hugging me tightly, and rubbing my back.

“
I do not even know where to begin or how to respond to any
of that,” Katie said softly. She made a pouting face. “You’re kind
of all over the place, you need to focus, my love,” she said with
the most generous smile. “Most of all, I really do think you need
to talk to your dad about this. He’s going through something we
can’t imagine. We have
this.
I cannot fathom
for the life of me what it would be like to lose you after having
had you so much longer than I have already. You really need to talk
to him, even if it is just to tell him what you’ve told me right
now. Honestly, love, you will feel better, I know you will. And,
yeah, it’s all a little crazy at the moment, but you know it’s not
going to kill you to talk to him. For the sake of your
relationship, hell, for the sake of your health,” she stopped and
smiled sweetly. “You know what; maybe we’re getting ahead of
ourselves here, maybe you need to just really listen to your dad.
I’m sure you both can get this back to where everyone is
comfortable and where you can handle it. Either way, you’ll have
done what you can. I think you owe yourself and your father at
least that.” She kissed my cheek.

I stayed
where I was in the doorway, she returned to the couch. I was unsure
if I was just starting to shake my head or if I had never stopped,
“Seriously, you don’t understand,” I said. “Okay, I will show you,
starting, like, right now, I am going to keep track of how many
times I say, ‘I don’t know’ or ‘Are you effing kidding me’ or
anything like that, like, ‘You’re effing kidding me,’ that will
count for that one, too. So, on a piece of paper, no, two pieces,
one for each, or… no, I’m going to get, because I’ll need them,
notepads, actually, books, notebooks, one for each sentence. And
I’m going to write each sentence on the cover. I’ll get a light
blue one and a black one and I’ll get angry at the black one
because I won’t be able to make out what I wrote on it very well,
like I’ll be able to see it, but only at a certain angle in the
light, but that will just, I don’t know,
see
, what am I
at, seven? That stupid book is already causing me grief, Katie!
That stupid book with the black cover; what the hell; it’d be like
giving someone the finger in the dark. So, once I’ve thrown that
book out and replaced it with like a stupid green one or something,
I will make ticks in them to count those sentences, okay? That way
you’ll see how much I’m at a loss for… knowledge, and the what.” My
head nodded. I was certain it was going along with the shooting
pain that just kept going back and forth.

Katie looked
at me, listening politely; a smile growing at the same pace my
curiosity was regarding her smile. There was a sparkle in her eyes,
something had her quite amused, something more than this mere rant
of mine.