A Tapless Shoulder (20 page)

“
Okay, love,
if you need to go have a nap, you really need to say so, and just
go do that.”

“
I don’t mean to have a breakdown over this; I think I
already did that. It’s just… everything. It’s like everything
lately has been doing that thing where someone points at your shirt
and says, ‘What is that,’ and then they flick you in the
face.
I hate
that
. I want to break those
hands off and say to them casually, ‘I hope it was worth it,’ as I
throw their hand in the air and try to kick it.” I shook my head.
“But what’s there to break off here? Nothing, it’s our stuff that’s
doing it and it’s all breaking right in the middle of flicking our
faces.” I began to rub my temples. I got myself some Advil out of
the cupboard. Katie came up behind me and rubbed my back. “Sorry,
Kate, it just frigging builds up sometimes and I overreact or react
eventually, which just means the reaction’s a lot bigger.” I smiled
at her and swallowed the pills with some water. I offered her some,
but she shook her head.

“
No, thank
you.”

“
How about
some different pills, you want some other pills?”

“
Mm, I think
I’m good.”

“
Suit
yourself.”

“
So today I
was given a letter or some review thing about my
attendance.”

Katie looked
at me as if to say,
I thought
your attendance was good
, and
then said, “I thought your attendance was good.”

“
Uh, yeah, me too, I was a little surprised, but then that
wore off, and I was just baffled. And the statement that kicked
this thing off said it was to discuss their concerns regarding
absences of mine that were
beyond my control
.”

Katie looked
at me confused and shook her head twice, “That doesn’t make sense,”
she said, adding, “Like at all.”

I laughed,
“Yeah, I know. Trust me I know. No, no, it’s all stupid, and when I
say that I mean, STUPID;
the
abbreviation
. Yeah,
but at work we say it long form, and spell it out on top of that.
Seriously, which coincidentally is the first word, um, so it’s like
seriously, tremendously, unadulteratedly, is … is that a word? What
am I at? Er, not, I mean, I don’t think that’s… I think
they
had
it
as a word, I’m sure that’s probably
where I got that from, but then everyone realized it wasn’t a word
so they changed it, yeah, to uninterruptedly. So, okay, it goes:
seriously, tremendously,
uninterruptedly
,
pathetically, idiotically, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. I forgot
to mention that it’s ‘stupid’ with five d’s. Yeah, we sometimes say
dumb five times or we say stupidedededed or whatever it is to cover
the ‘dumbs.’ I’m sure you get the point.” I laughed lightly and
nodded. “Yeah, then there were a few paragraphs chastising me for
missing time; the time that isn’t being held against me. The letter
even went on to tell me that I need to be there because when I’m
not, someone else has to do my work. That part really surprised me;
all this time I thought they leaned a bag of chips against my job
when I wasn’t there, maybe two, depending on, you know, on the
demands of the job at the time. The letter also designates itself
as not being a form of discipline, so that’s good, right? I mean, I
didn’t do anything wrong, so why punish me, right? They’ve way too
much respect for their employees to do something like that, I would
imagine. That would be STUPID. Oh shit – wait a second… So, yeah,
and this is level one of this pleasant
we’re-fucking-watching-you-motherfucker program. I’m excited for
level two, that’s all I know. I just, I don’t know, I guess I love
contradictions, especially when they are coupled with blatant, in
your face, lies; you know, all that shit gets me revved up in a
wonderful way. It’s like being patted on the back with a stabbing
motion followed by a strange
painful
sensation in
the same spot. So weird and, really, things like this are to be
marvelled at. It’s like a motto for the ages that says, ‘We’re
smart, but not that smart.’ It’s just exciting to be a part of
their version, I mean, vision, the
vision
. You’d think
we had long since discovered how and to what people reacted best
to, and yet, dot dot dot, literally. Oh well,
whatever
.
I don’t know; I actually thought at the end of this retarded spiel
my boss was going to stand up and flip me off as a big
finale.
Oh, and something
else: BING!
Then maybe shoot
me in the face with fireworks because, hey,
not my fault
. Yeah, and maybe then the plant manager comes in and goes,
‘Hey fucker, is this your file? Let me poop in it for you.’ Yeah,
but, you know… that didn’t happen. I can’t honestly really say I
was all that disappointed. But, still, I felt lucky, lucky to be a
part of the magic, and that’s what matters most. I’m just there
trying to make the plant a better place, even it is just by one
giant overflowing bag of garbage at a time.” I shook my head. Katie
was giggling hard. She got a kick out of my rants. It was
therapeutic for me, and entertainment for her. Even if it meant I
was pained by an ulcer giving birth to a litter of starving baby
ulcers. She especially liked when I worked in the word ‘poop.’ She
hugged me, still laughing, and gave me a kiss.

“
I love you,
I love you so much,” she said with a glowing smile, “don’t let them
get to you. You’re going to be a famous writer and you are going to
do what you love: write, and when you do you can tell them whatever
you like.”

“
Yeah, famous
to your butt,” I said practically spitting out the words. Katie
looked at me like I’d startled her.

“
Um, did you
just say, famous to my butt?”

“
Yes, sorry. I think I might have failed to say the first
half of that, which can kind of really wreck the joke.” I made a
face I hoped said, ‘
Oops,
didn’t mean to
.’

“
You are a
whack-a-doo,” she said, maybe even insultingly.

“
Is that an
insult or…?” I asked, “And, while that may very well be true, I
have never used the word ‘whack-a-doo,’ I would think that’s got to
earn me some credit towards the cost of admission to your
butt.”

“
WHAT? Uh, my
butt is not a show or – why am I still standing here talking to
you?”

“
Because you
love me,” I insisted, “but, I mean… maybe… now I’m not even sure I
know what we were talking about anymore.” It was true, I wasn’t
sure if I had gotten halfway to forgetting or halfway to giving up.
I decided it didn’t matter which it was.

We both
laughed and then hugged each other tightly.

“
Poop,” she
tried to remind me, “and your file.”

“
Oh yeah,” I said and nodded, “come Monday I’m asking to
smell my file
.
”

“
You mean
Saturday,” she corrected me.

“
No, ‘file
stuff,’ I imagine, would have to be dealt with when the office
peeps were in and that pushes us back to Monday.”

“
Oh…
right.”

“
Yeah,” I
said softly.

“
So besides
that, how was your day? Did it get better?”

“
It did, it did get better,” I answered finally in the
serious tone we had been moving toward. “As usual, I spent the day
cleaning garbage bins, basically trying to wipe garbage from
garbage with a handful of garbage. And when I said I needed help
with all the garbage in my garbage, they gave me a monkey, a cute,
little helper monkey. But this monkey could do one thing and one
thing only. This helper monkey could only throw its own poop; not
mine, not yours, not paper clips, not sponges. Well, unless it had
eaten all of that and we of course
waited
, because of,
you know, the whole ‘throwing its own poop’ thing. Okay and whether
that had actually been a help to me or not didn’t matter as
eventually the day was over. Or so I thought because then, at the
very end of the day, that effing monkey was promoted. That’s who I
report to tomorrow. Do I need to remind you of its only ability?
Anyway, yeah, like I said, things are looking up and it is about
time!”

She smiled
and shook her head. I did the same. She giggled. I then kissed her
with a real kiss, passionate, and hard, like two faces trying to
get a grip on one another.

“
Your kid kicked my son in the face, and you did nothing?
Correction: you are doing nothing? On the ladder he
looks
down
and goes,
oh, DOOSH
, for no reason at all, but maybe
because
he
could
! Don’t tell me kids
will be kids, no shit, really? And people that punch people
will probably be
punching people
, I mean, hey, people that kick people are obviously
kicking people,” I was fighting myself to keep from shouting as I
felt control fall away in my head. This was big, and I simply
wanted him to do something any normal parent would have done when
their child wronged another child: at the very least
say something corrective
to them
. Or, okay, fine,
don’t say anything
if
that proves to be too difficult, but then take them by the hand and
leave and do it
quickly
. I was beside
myself now, and knew enough to step back.

The father of
the boy was simply void of reaction and that had me twitching with
anger. I wasn’t sure if I was moving with each beat of my heart or
if the world was. Every second that went by without him doing
anything felt like another step towards him, but, had that been the
case, I’d have been a hundred feet on the other side of him
now.
Fuck, take the fucker
the fuck home
; I realized I
swore insanely in my head when violently angry.
You’re a parent; do you not realize you are
erasing his innocence with your ignorance? I believe that is why we
are in this situation to begin with!

I was
standing very close to the father, letting him know with my
invasion of his personal space that it was not over yet, not with
me. And regardless of how much he ignored me, I wasn’t going away.
He still showed no signs of doing anything about his son’s
misbehaviour, or mine. That did it: it was just too far gone. He
had waited too long and had now missed any chance of
redemption.

“
Are you
stupid?” I decided to throw a few questions at him. “Is that what
this is about, you’re an idiot, so your kid is a little brat?” I
had his attention now. I hated saying it. I believed that
environment played an enormous role in a kid’s life, and I didn’t
blame this poor boy, he hardly stood a chance under such poor
leadership. No, for the time being, this boy was stuck with his old
man, whose attention I had badly wanted and now gotten with my last
remark. In fact, he was looking at me like I was driving the wrong
way down a one-way street. He tried to look fierce but I could
sense him backing off, and then he shrugged and retreated to his
nonchalant take on the whole thing. Casually he said, as though I
needn’t worry myself, “They’re just playing, no biggie,” then
looked at me and, seeing I wasn’t accepting it, added, “It was just
an accident.”

“
Are you,” I paused and shook my head with clenched teeth,
which I meant to mean ‘I’m swearing at you without swearing at
you,’ “…
serious
? How was that
an accident? Do you mean in the scheme of things it was accident
because you were an accident? And now you don’t know how to father
your kid so he is mean and a bully? Do you enjoy watching him be
like that to other kids? My son was crying because of yours and you
haven’t said a thing to anyone, never mind
your kid
. Were
you picked on or something? Because I would think remembering what
it felt like to be picked on would be enough to call you to action
to prevent it.” I leaned in slightly, not too close to him, and
said, almost hissing, “You may want to wipe that fucking smile off
your face.” The moment had become so inflated that I wondered how I
would keep my feet planted
when the air let out.

“
Just relax,” he turned so his side was to me, and watched
his son as though
now
he had a genuine interest in what he
may have been doing. He turned back to face me again with his idea
of a thought, “That stuff’s good for kids,” he said, “toughens them
up, an accident, holy shit, maybe your kid shouldn’t be a sissy,
it’s just playground stuff.” He laughed, not knowing what funny
actually was.

“
He kicked him in the face!
It’s not an accident when you look at someone and then kick
them; that’s not a mistake, that’s intentional and
mental
, and that makes your son a brat, that makes him
mean
, and that makes
you
the person to fix
that. Okay, so, again, tell me now; how was
that
an
accident? I don’t think you know what that word means. If that was
an accident, what would it be if I broke your effing nose? And,
yes, I know perfectly well I swore earlier, but that was an
accident
. I can accept actual
accidents
.” The lines
had been drawn and I knew where I stood, and that had almost calmed
me to where I needed to be.