A Tapless Shoulder (30 page)

There was a
young woman suddenly next to me, almost against me. I wasn’t sure
if she was there when I got there or if she had just gotten there.
I looked at my spot at the bar, and tried to figure out if I’d
moved along down it somehow or if maybe she had. I wondered if I
should ask her about it, then she smiled and introduced
herself.

“
Pardon,” I said as the dust of memory filled my head. “Your
name is... Ariel? Argyle? Anagram? Arnold? Anxiety!” She shook her
head to all of them and said it yet again. I nodded, “I thought you
said that.” I might have been yelling at her. “So how many Q’s does
that have? That’s like, oh, no, I know. That was the joke. Not a K
sound for the first hour of it; it sounds like arachnophobia, but
where there’s ‘K’ and ‘B’ sounds there’s somehow another ‘A’, hats
off to your parents for that one.” I raised my glass. “It’s too bad
it wasn’t, Anxiety. Not only because I can pronounce it, but the
last couple syllables almost make it sound pretty,
Anxiety
. I think that’ll be my stripper name if ever I need
one. I’ll just come out and push and pull on the pole like I’m
trying to move it.
Let’s hear
it for Anxiety, didn’t budge a bit, stripper pole; one, Anxiety;
zero, maybe next time
.” I
laughed, thinking my
DJ
voice
was even better than
the joke. “Oh, that’s nice of you to say or, you know, you can just
laugh, whatever.” I laughed, “Yup, it’s a good thing I’m married
and you’re not interested because I know already I would never say
your name properly.” I finished my beer and got the attention of
the bartender for another. Mentally, for a change, I let go of the
side and went with the momentum I’d started, “Seriously, I’m sure
we could sit here all day and I would,
without
the
intent to, find a way to say your name differently each and every
time I tried to say it. Then the more I had to drink, the worse it
would get, until I gave up and stuck with something like
Bardger
, just skipping everything that started with an A.
Wouldn’t know why or where it came from, but that’s what it would
end up being:
Bardger.
And at that point, only you would
know how far off I was. Yup, you’d go from
your pretty name
to me saying very awkwardly, and very loudly, close to your
face, ‘You know what,
Bardger
,’ and then
I’d tell you something I’d assumed you weren’t aware of, probably
twice. But that’s nothing, really. My dad, on the other hand, would
attach a penis to you and take you to Mexico. No, no, don’t be
scared, I’m, he’s, it’s complicated,” I paused, my mind went
BLAH
and I gave it a shake. “Sorry, you were saying? Oh yeah,” I
continued before she could speak. “So, what I’m saying is; it would
be awesome if you could either accept that I say your name
wrong
or
pretend I’m saying it right…
or
just
let me call you,
Bardger.
Yeah,
doesn’t matter how many times you say it – I’m probably an idiot,
but I know I’ve been far dumber over far worse so I’m not too
worried. Oh, ho, ho, you should meet my dad like
right now
.” I looked behind me in the direction of the table
that everyone I was with was seated at. I turned back, took a drink
and thought about how I hadn’t had any thoughts competing to be
words the way I usually did. The words were just
there
, and I just
said
them
. I looked at the beer
and it overflowed with blame.
Maybe stop drinking
,
I thought as I looked up at the wall of bottles behind the bar. I
turned to look at – the face next to me, and stopped myself from
saying anything more. She was staring at me, smiling grandly. I
flinched.

I was
suddenly confused. “Are you talking or am I?” I asked loudly and
added before she answered, “Well, it was nice to have met you, uh
–
hey
.” Nate’s face suddenly appeared next to me. I was
actually surprised he hadn’t shown up sooner now that I’d thought
about it. “Hey, this is –
her
, alright, take
care.” I stopped; I had one last thing to say to her. “No one but
my wife has looked at me like that for a
long
time, and
it’s as awesome as it is terrifying, which says a lot because I’ve
had a really fucked up day. So, thank you, and yes:
marriage and age
stranges a person.”
Stranges a person
, I thought,
stranges
a person
; I shook my head
like I might have kept repeating myself if I hadn’t. I laughed. I
knew nothing made sense and I wanted to continue the trend, “So
yeah, I mean,” I paused, and then added an enthusiastic, “shit
yourself.” She looked a little confused, but I stood behind what I
said, nodding, urging it to sink in. Nate stood beside me,
dumbfounded; but I was confident he’d never been more comfortable.
I had set the stage, or so I thought; now everything Nate said
would seem sensible. I gave him the official nod and waved goodbye
to Bardger. “Whisper rebellion,” Nate said and patted me on the
back before I disappeared to find our table.

I was feeling
strangely sentimental. My dad, Candy, Nate, the cheer in the room,
even my beautiful Katie; it all had me feeling a little off balance
and out of place. The noise of everybody talking and eating and
laughing made the restaurant feel far too busy. I needed to speed
up and keep pace, or reach out and hold everything
still.

My dad was
talking about his trip, which consisted of waiting, travelling, a
Mexican bar, a pool bar and a flight back. Katie was talking to
Candy. If it wasn’t about Candy’s breast-dispensing top; it should
have been. I took hold of the glass my dad had pointed to when I
sat down. Then my dad was in on their conversation. I wondered why
I didn’t have anything to add.
Maybe
that’s
because I’m not listening.
Why wasn’t I at least listening? And
how did I get to feeling this… far from everyone, myself
included?

I just had to
stand and the moment would rise with me. I liked that:
stand and the moment will rise with
you
. It sounded important,
like it was a call for change. And so I did exactly that. I got up
and went back to the bar. It wasn’t quite the change I had in mind.
I thought I should write that line down. I considered typing it
into my phone, but realized it didn’t matter. I no longer cared. I
needed what it meant now, not what it could mean to someone else
later. That and I was certain I’d already forgotten.

I leaned
against the bar and pushed away from it as though I needed the
momentum to leave it behind for good this time. I went out into the
mall and walked like I had a destination. And I did; it was the
direction right in front of me.

Everyone
seemed either to be smiling or laughing. I felt like I was the only
one who wasn’t doing either; maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was
the mono. I finally stopped walking and stood in front of the
department store at the other end of the mall. I was considering
going in to use the washroom when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I
turned very slowly like I enjoyed the suspense.

It was
everyone I had been with in the restaurant. It took a good amount
of effort to get my face into something like a smile. I looked at
the stores and people around us, then back at them. My hand began
to rise from my side like I intended to reach for one of them, but
then I stopped and left it there. I teetered. I took a step forward
and then a couple of steps back. Concern and sadness flashed across
each face. The words that typically ran through my head had stopped
there with me. There was only confusion occupying that space now.
It should have struck me as being quite ironic that the moment
something wasn’t in my head, confusion took hold of me. I looked at
each of them for some sense of direction or clue to where we should
go from there. My only suggestion was the washroom.

“
What?” I asked casually, “I just… I looked around and
couldn’t see myself there and so
didn’t
. Then I guess
I got here and thought,
Hey,
I’m going to go buy myself a shirt.
” I pointed to the mannequins just inside the department
store. “They look so happy, don’t they? I mean, who wouldn’t be
happy dressed like that? Plus, they’re together; that’s got to
count for something. It’s probably easier to stick together when
you’re all colour coordinated and screwed to the ground you’re
standing on.” I looked at each of them; Katie, my dad, Nate, Candy,
Bardger –
no, she wasn’t
there, but that would have been funny
– and then finally my dad again. He waited for me to
say something, but I had yet to arrive at that moment. My focus was
safely on the mannequins. “It’s such a nice fucking shirt,” I said
distractedly like I didn’t understand why I wasn’t closer to it or
trying it on. “They all just look so good,” I added, not knowing
what else to say or why he had yet to say
anything.

“
Maybe Candy
can try on some of the kid’s clothes, God forbid it fit her, eh?”
He gave me a nudge and began to laugh but cut it short as though he
realized there wasn’t time for it. “She and I are just good
friends,” he said suddenly and continued when I was looking at him
again and not the mannequins. “We met at Woodland Acres not long
after your mom –” He stopped, but the silence said it
anyway.

Something had
twisted inside me and no matter how I stood, it wouldn’t
straighten. “You were at
the
home
?” I asked. Just
like that, there was so much I didn’t know about the man I thought
I knew best. “Why? I mean, like, or, I don’t know if it’s…” I
stepped back to let a family pass through the middle of our group.
“
Where the hell did we learn
to communicate with each other like this?
” I blurted in frustration, while stepping back toward
him. “It is so fucking helpful.” I didn’t know where to go from
there or how to handle all the loose ends with only two hands. I
was sure my face said it all.

He smiled. I
should have asked him how he always managed to do
that
. Every time, when it mattered most, there was always that
smile; at the beginning, at the end, it was always there. Maybe
that was who Candy had learned it from. “If you can’t even talk to
me about what you
think
is going on;
how am I supposed to talk to you about what really is?” he asked
calmly.

I shook my
head, “I…” I began and ended.

“
And, yes, I
started in a program there, at Woodland, initially to quit
drinking. That didn’t quite take,” he said; indifferent to the
fact, “but I ended up back there in a program to help me deal with
the loss of your mother, which, really, was the bigger problem.
That went much better. And I figured that one might cancel out the
other.” He spoke as he always did: so naturally, like in a past
life it had been nothing but rehearsals for this one.

“
You sound
like me at college, just, you know, the programs were a little
different and I don’t think I had any that turned out.” My voice
was small and unsteady. I tried to see if I had anything in me that
sounded like laughter, but I hadn’t.

My dad took a
deep breath before leaning forward. “A lot of
this
started,” he said motioning to himself and everyone behind
him, or maybe he meant the entire mall, I didn’t know, “with those
books you have.” He nodded; apparently in agreement with himself.
“When I watched the boys, while you took care of those things for
me after your mom died, I got to reading some of the books, um, I
believe by a Clark, something,
Cassette
?” He looked
at me, hoping I knew what he meant, like it was all going to wash
over me and I could simply thank him.
Perfect, we’ll celebrate with a new shirt.

“
Clark… Cassette,” I repeated slowly, “
Clark? Cassette?
I just, I don’t – that doesn’t ring a bell. And that sounds
like something I would remember: kind of stands out a little.” I
searched my memory. I started over. “I’ve got nothing, Dad. I have
no idea what… oh, okay wait, do you mean
Carlos
Castaneda
? That’s
not
–
there was a bunch by him on the bookshelf in the
living room?
Or I should say
there
is
a bunch by him.
Clark Holy Shitting Cassette
, wow! That’s practically the same thing, it’s just I roll
my tongue when I say it, but yeah, same thing. Now I know where I
get my dyslexic memory from. That was a whopper, Dad.
I’m surprised you didn’t say
‘Clickety Clack’: you know, starts with some
letters
,
ends with
a
syllable
.”

“
Yes
, yes,” he
exclaimed; very pleased we were able to come up with the name. He
even looked like he still had some dance in him, despite his bad
knees and old age. I stepped back as he shook and moved like I was
cheering him on. I only stared, caught between awe and disbelief. I
was the stillest I had ever been in my life and was so not cheering
him on. It was apparently quite a victory we had won against the
odds of our terrible memories and he knew it well… that, and who
knew how much he’d had to drink.