A Twist of Betrayal (12 page)

He felt breathless and heady, but knew what he was doing was so right. He pulled her into his arms and the warmth of her affected him like no other heat ever could.

She’d been made to fit him like the flawless piece of a puzzle. And she filled him with a sense of completeness he hadn’t until that moment known he needed. She had some time ago become his life. She shared his heart. One thing he realized was how the night was more than just a turning point for their relationship. It was a turning point for his life. He felt like a man who could have his cake and eat it, too.

“There can’t be any regrets,” he said.

“I won’t have any. Do you want me as much?”

Dan would have laughed then, but he was afraid she’d think he was choking. It took nearly all his strength not to drag her into that small tent right then and show her how much he wanted her. “Oh, yes, can’t you tell?” he replied, thinking he still sounded as if he were choking.

When he’d always dreamed of touching her, of making love to her, of feeling her skin against his skin, he always thought of lots of romance with candles and a big bed, soft cool sheets and music. Yet, he had everything he needed there in that tent.

She leaned up and kissed him. This kiss was not her usual quick, brotherly touch of lips like in the past.

It was hot and wild and wanting.

It left his heart pounding. It set his soul on fire.

With her hand in his, he led her to the tent where piece by piece, their clothing came off. As he laid her back on all the bedding in the small space, he felt everything in the darkness—her body, her warmth, her need, her touch. And it was perfect, as if she’d been made for him, only him.

One kiss melted into the next.

She tasted of Justine, all woman, all desirable, familiar and exciting at the same time.

“Dan…” she moaned softly between his kisses.

“Hmmm?” he let out as he moved to taste her breast.

Delicious.

She gasped at the touch of his tongue.

He took her nipple completely in his mouth, and she nearly came off the sleeping bag.

“Dan, wait…”

He met her gaze through the darkness.

“You said no regrets,” he reminded her.

“I do have one,” she was forced to admit.

Was it his imagination, or was she avoiding looking at him. Now was not the time to hear about any regrets. He needed her. He was ready for her, hard as a rock ready. Her heat beckoned him, how could she ask him to stop now?

“What?” he forced out, thinking all he had to do was nudge her legs apart and he could be inside her and they could stop all this useless talk.

“I’ve never done this before.”

He stared at her for a long moment, wanting her so much he hurt. He forced in a few much-needed breaths, holding himself above her, feeling her softness beneath him. He licked his suddenly dry lips. “Never?” he asked.

“Class was so much more important in college, making the grades I needed to keep my scholarship, and to tell the truth, I just never met anyone I felt worthy…” she tried to explain.

He blinked once, twice. “And I’m worthy?” he had to ask.

“Yes,” she replied without hesitation.

He brought his lips back to hers.

When he moved his kiss to her throat, she asked, “You’re not angry?”

He leaned up to look at her again. “Angry? Angry that you saved it for me? Hell, no. I just don’t want to disappoint you.”

She was warm and soft. And he was pretty certain neither of them were disappointed. He held her all night and listened to her breathing.

After hours of making love, with her still in his arms, he saw the soft light of a new morning outside of the tent. It was more than just a new day. For him, he felt as if he’s stepped into a new life. He looked down at the beauty of the woman sleeping against him. He wanted her again, even more than before. And he couldn’t believe the strength of the building passion searing through him. Without hesitation, he leaned over and kissed her awake.

They lay quietly, listening to the sounds of the morning as the rest of the world woke.

“You didn’t disappoint me,” she whispered.

“You didn’t disappoint me, either,” he said gruffly. “Jus?”

“Yes?”

“Marry me,” he said softly in her ear.

“Okay,” she replied without hesitation.

He fought the urge to hoop and holler with joy. He felt as if he’d really stepped into a new life. He looked down at the woman in his arms.

He sealed this promise with a kiss.

“Please tell me you love me again,” she said, with an urgency he’d never before heard.

“I love you.”

“I’ll never grow tired of hearing that.”

“I’ll never grow tired of saying it.”

“You look like the cat that just swallowed the canary,” she noted.

“Why wouldn’t I?” he replied. “We can share everything. We can wake up together every morning. We can talk and love and build our dreams. I can hold you all night long and we can do it for the rest of our lives.” Dan stopped, and gave into the sudden urge to laugh.

“What?”

“That sounded lame, didn’t it?”

“I liked it. Sometimes you need to stop sounding like a cop, where everything’s planned and rehearsed. Besides, everything you said sounds wonderful,” she said.

Dan nearly laughed again. Wonderful was the biggest understatement he’d ever heard. “Yes it does. And do you know the best part of the canary I’m getting to swallow?”

“What?

“I get to have my best friend for my wife,” he said honestly.

She quietly absorbed his words.

Dan went on, “Do you have any idea how hard it’s been for me to get close to anybody after witnessing my partner’s death?”

“Yes.”

“I want you, Justine,” he said. He didn’t know what else to say besides the truth.

“I want you, too,” she said.

He couldn’t help but smile. Nothing ever felt as right as this.

“Can we have a nice, little white house?” she asked, her smile small, but matching his.

“Yes,” he said. Anything you want, he nearly added.

“With a picket fence?”

“Of course.” With his fingertips, he barely touched her, moving his hand up and down the softness of her back.

“Can we get a dog?” Justine asked.

“I won’t clean up after it.”

Her smile grew. “I will,” she said softly. “And a big yard.”

“Why?” he asked.

“So there’s enough room for a play set for the kids,” she explained. “And a picnic table, and a porch swing, and…”

All her words faded away after that word kids. He must have frowned because Justine stopped talking and looked at him. “What is it?” she asked. “You don’t want a picnic table?”

For a long time, Dan said nothing. How could he tell her his feelings about children without wiping away that glow that lit up her face?

He didn’t have to tell her. She must have been able to see it in his eyes.

“You don’t want kids?” she asked slowly. “That’s it, isn’t it?”

“I don’t think so,” he replied. It was as honest as he could be without being blunt.

“You don’t think so?” she echoed, her voice suddenly nothing more than a whisper. “Why not?” Her words may have been soft, but she suddenly sounded more like a lawyer addressing the witness.

“I’m a cop.” It was the only excuse he could think of and it wasn’t exactly a lie. It just wasn’t the whole truth.

“I’m well aware of that,” she let out in a snap. “Be careful not to poke me with your badge, Officer,” she said sarcastically.

He ignored her comment. “If something happened to me, if I was ever killed in the line of duty, leaving a wife would be hard enough. But I can’t imagine leaving any little kids without a father. I know what it was like to live without one.”

“Can you foresee the future?” she asked. Her anger was building. Dan felt it surround him despite the openness around him, and he didn’t dare tell her that she was beautiful when she was angry.

“No, but—”

“Then how do you know something is going to happen to you?”

“I never said I knew something was going to happen, I said in case something did,” he tried to correct. For the moment, he wasn’t quite sure exactly what he’d said. “My job puts me at a greater risk than others.”

“That’s not good enough,” she argued.

“Adam left two little kids. He never got a chance to say good bye.”

“Was their mother killed, too?” Justine asked.

“What does that have to do with it?” Dan asked. It was his turn to let his anger control him. This conversation was not going the way he dreamed as he’d been kissing her. A simple question of getting married, followed by a beaming answer of yes, finished off with a happily ever after was what he’d been searching for.

“Was she?” Justine persisted.

“No, but there are still two kids that are fatherless.” It made perfect sense to him. Why couldn’t she see it the same way? “And I know what it was like to lose a father at a young age.”

“No, you know what it’s like to lose
both
your parents,” she put in. “And I’m sorry you had to experience that, but you can’t think the same thing is going to repeat itself with your kids. And if it did, heaven forbid, I’d like to know I didn’t live in a bubble, that I got to experience the joy of a child even if it was just for a little while.”

“I’m just saying my job sure increases my chances.”

“So I guess what you’re really trying to say is that if something happened to you and we had kids, that left alone, I wouldn’t be capable of taking care of them,” she said. She pulled out of his embrace out of the double sleeping bag they’d shared, and began to get dressed. Dan couldn’t help but notice the way she kept herself covered as if she didn’t want him to see her nakedness any longer.

Now she really twisted his words. “That is not what I’m saying,” he tried. But somehow, she made it sound so believable. “I just wouldn’t want you to have to do it alone.”

She slid away further away from him, as far as the small tent would allow. “I wouldn’t be alone,” she said without looking at him. “The kids and I would have each other, and I would have my parents and your brother and my brothers and countless friends. I doubt any of them would toss us out in the cold and leave us to starve when I wouldn’t be able to provide for us.” Her words dripped with sarcasm. She slipped into her shorts.

Dan might have laughed at the sheer idea of Justine starving in the snow, if the conversation wasn’t so serious. “Justine,” he said, fighting off the anger that tried to grab a hold of him. Couldn’t they just forget this conversation and continue holding each other, and make love again?

“Cop or no cop, life is not predictable,” Justine pointed out. “Not for anyone. You could work a nine to five job Monday through Friday and still get run over by a bus.”

“I know that. At the same time, I’ve seen the people who get run over by the buses. I’ve been there to clean up the mess. And I’ve cleaned up messes with kids, too. I’ve seen them mess up their lives with drugs. I’ve seen them messed up with physical abuse, sexual abuse. I’ve seen the after effects of their drinking and driving. I’ve seen it all. Why would I want to bring a child into a world already filled with so many problems?”

His words gave her cause to stop for a long moment. When she looked at him, her eyes glistened like large brown pools. Unshed tears? The idea unnerved him. He ached to reach out and touch her, comfort her in some way, but he didn’t dare move. In eight months, he’d never seen tears in her eyes. For a long moment, all he could do was stare.

“I’d want kids some day,” she said softly. She paused. “Maybe this isn’t a good idea.”

He didn’t know how to respond, not that she gave him a chance. She crawled out of the tent, away from him. Dan dressed, too, and crawled out after her, only to find her haphazardly packing up the few things they’d brought along.

“What are you doing?” he asked. “We have all day.”

“I don’t want to stay any longer. I want to go home,” she said without looking at him as she rolled up the tablecloth on the picnic table.

“Let’s at least have some coffee and breakfast,” he suggested. “The best part about camping is breakfast. The entire place smells like bacon and sausage.” He was stalling, not wanting to end their time together this way.

“You can have some coffee. I don’t want any.” She shoved the tablecloth into a knapsack with the two small pieces of cookware they’d brought.

Taking her arms, Dan stopped her and gently forced her to look at him. “Is this your way of telling me you regret last night?” he asked.

“No, I don’t regret last night, not one single aspect of it,” she answered honestly. “I’m just glad I know this now.”

“And you won’t marry me.” His gaze was captured in hers.

Justine didn’t reply for a long time. “I don’t know.”

“And when will you know?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” she whispered again, sounding as if there was something in her throat cutting off her air.

At least she recognized the feelings between them and the strength of it, enough that she didn’t say no. But in the end, he let her go to pack. He noticed when they drove away how she said nothing all the way home.

At least she didn’t say good-bye.

Chapter 12

Almost Five Years Ago

“Damn, you’re acting like a bear,” Steve said.

As if Dan didn’t already know.

“Don’t you think two weeks is long enough to drag this out?” Steve asked. “Either go see her or forget about her, but don’t bring it to work with you.”

“Why don’t you just mind your own business,” Dan replied. Why couldn’t everyone just leave him alone and let him go through his own personal hell?

“Because I’d hate to see you do something stupid when it comes to your job and all you’ve got your mind on is Justine, that’s why,” Steve said. “We all work together here, remember? And your slipup could endanger someone else.”

“I’m not going to do something stupid,” Dan said.

“You already did something stupid. You let her go. Now you’re running on empty. If you’re not going to give in and call her after brooding for so long, at least quit working the doubles and get some rest.”

“I don’t need rest.”