A Walk with Jane Austen (30 page)

In fact, death began to look attractive again.

I developed strong feelings for my butcher knife—I wanted to have it close to me and lie down with it against my cheek on the kitchen
floor and keep it under my pillow at night. Once I woke up around 3:00 a.m., rocking and sobbing on my bed with exhaustion and the strongest desire to destroy everything I could touch. I wanted to cut off my hair and cut up my clothes and my sheets and curtains and shower curtain.

I talked myself out of it with a great deal of effort because I thought if my mother found me with ragged hair, holding scissors, sitting in a pile of scraps that used to be my clothes, she would take me to the hospital; I didn't really think isolation in a psych ward would be much fun.

I began to read Job, and finally I understood why the first thing he did in the midst of despair was to shave his head and tear his clothes.

Here, gently, carefully, I was brought face-to-face with the grace of God in ways I never expected and, without this experience, could never have understood. I have sometimes been surprised to meet grace here, though perhaps I shouldn't be. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,” the psalmist says, “for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4, Kjv).

I should tell you though that I don't say this as a particularly cheerful Christian. I understand now that living through lamentation is part of life's process and should not be run from or avoided, so I have no desire to stuff all these things away and try to make them artificially bright…because there have been weeks when I felt so incredibly alone that I wondered if God was with me anymore. Once, when it was particularly bad, after the waking in the middle of the night and wanting to destroy my life thing, my friend Leigh held my hands and looked me in the eye and said, “You are not forsaken, Lori. You are not forsaken.” Then she prayed over me loudly and cried for me.

And she was right.

I wasn't and am not forsaken. And this is where my walk with Jane comes in again, because Jane taught me something about the value of an ordinary life—things I'm not sure I could understand before I was stripped of being able to do even the ordinary. She did not want to be famous. She wanted to love her family and her friends, to live her faith rather than talk about it, to do good work and tell good stories.

She enjoyed making money with her writing and even developed a little jealousy, like any good writer. She felt that Sir Walter Scott should have been content enough with his success in poetry without venturing into fiction. “Walter Scott has no business to write novels, especially good ones,” she joked. “It is not fair.—He has Fame & Profit enough as a Poet, and should not be taking the bread out of other people's mouths.”
¹
I don't think she ever knew that he owned several well-worn copies of her books.
²

And while Jane was—
is
—big, she never believed that being big was important.

These are the things I want for myself, the things that became more important after my own dark night where I learned that there's no end to the grace of God—where it was big enough for every single day that I got up and could do nothing. It didn't matter if I could never write again, if I could never work again. God does not love me because of anything I can do; this still astonishes me. He simply loves me. Me, me, me. Sitting on the couch or sobbing or staring vegetatively at the TV.

All my life I've been taught to rely on the grace of God, and yet in practice I've tried to earn his love, and my own significance, by running and doing. So it has been a measure of grace to not be able to run any longer, to simply be forced to…be.

And this is the paradox, because this life—this loving your family
and friends and doing good work and telling good stories life—may feel small, but it is far from ordinary.

It is the best life, the extraordinary life.

It was Jane's, and I hope it will be mine.

Austen told her family even more about the way her stories ended, what happened to her characters over time. She told them that
Pride and Prejudices
Mary Bennet did eventually marry (one of her uncle Phillips's clerks), that Emma and Mr. Knightley lived at Hartfield only for a couple years before Mr. Woodhouse's health failed; that
Persuasions
silly Miss Steele never did manage to catch her dear doctor.

As for my own story, who can tell?

My days are still small. But the light is beginning to return. Just a couple weeks ago I started being able to laugh at the world again, and that felt very good—soul-healing laughter. I want more of it, to enjoy life, to love the people around me.

I feel incredibly blessed to be in such a family, with dear friends, with the prospect of work that I love, living a small life surrounded by small goodnesses with this tremendous grace.

I hope I will be healthy again.

I believe I will go back to England, to visit or maybe to study.

Margaret said when I was there, “Why couldn't you meet a nice English boy?”

And perhaps I will. Maybe I will have the good fortune to find something like a poor, earnest country curate, a modern-day Mr. Collins in the flesh.

Like Lizzy—or more to the point, like Jane—I'm determined to marry only for love, so perhaps I will end an old maid and teach my nieces to play the piano very ill.

In the future I'll put more weight in someone's words than in the look in his eyes. I know now that I could have been stronger with Jack. I should have asked him to be clearer. I see how looks cannot always be trusted, however Darcy-ish they may be.

On the other hand, I have no regrets. I felt something for Jack and stepped out of my fear and just went with it.

I am proud of that. I tried.

And I think I will try again.

This book was written during a year I would not have survived without the endless care of my parents, the support of my dear friends Catherine Claire and Kristine Steakley, and the prayers and kindness of so many others. I am so grateful for all their love.

I want to thank those who helped me on this trip: Gill and Mark Kalbskopf, who helped me plan; Margaret Noel, who welcomed me into her home; Christine and David Blower; Phil and Sue Howe of Hidden Britain Tours, who found me at Deane and enabled me to get into St. Nicholas in Steventon; “Susan” for driving me all around Hampshire; the monks at Alton Abbey; Rod and Jo Spenseley at the Devonshire Arms in Pilsley; the staff at the Chawton House Library, who allowed me to spend a wonderful day there doing decidedly non-scholarly research; and especially “William” the cabby, who rescued me from the shoulder of an A road in Kent.

I also want to thank my wonderful agent, Beth Jusino, and my editor, Jeanette Thomason, who has a Jane Austen action figure on her desk and championed this project from the very beginning.

Sense and Sensibility
(1811)

Pride and Prejudice
(1813)

Mansfield Park
(1814)

Emma
(1815)

Northanger Abbey
(1817)

Persuasion
(1817)

Sanditon
(written in 1817, but unfinished)

Austen, Jane.
Catharine and Other Writings.
Edited by Margaret Anne Doody and Douglas Murray. New York: Oxford University Press, 1998.

______
Emma.
New York: Signet Classic, 1980.

______
Lady Susan, The Watsons, Sanditon.
New York: Penguin Putnam, 2003.

______
Mansfield Park.
New York: Oxford University Press, 2003.

______
Northanger Abbey.
New York: Penguin Books, 1985.

______
Persuasion.
New York: Penguin Books, 1994.

______
Pride and Prejudice.
New York: Signet Classic, 1980.

______
Sense and Sensibility.
New York: Bantam Books, 1983.

Austen-Leigh, J. E.,
A Memoir of Jane Austen and Other Family Recollections.
Edited by Kathryn Sutherland. New York: Oxford University Press, 2002.

Cowper, William.
Selected Poems.
New York: Routledge, 2003.

Edward's, Anne-Marie,
In the Steps of Jane Austen: Walking Tours of Austens England.
Madison, WI: Jones Books, 2003.

Le Faye, Deirdre.
A Chronology of Jane Austen and Her Family.
New York: Cambridge University Press, 2006.

______
Jane Austen: A Family Record.
New York: Cambridge University Press, 2004.

______
Jane Austen: The World of Her NoveL.
New York: Harry N. Abrams, 2002.

______ed.
Jane Austens Letters.
New York: Oxford University Press, 1997. All excerpts from
Jane Austens Letters
,collected and edited by Deirdre Le Faye, reprinted with permission of Oxford University Press.

______
Jane Austens Outkndish Cousin: The Life and Letters of Eliza de Feuil-
lide.
London: The British Library, 2002.

Leapman, Michael, main contributor.
Eyewitness Travel Guides Great Britain.
New York: DK Publishing, 2005.

Lewis, C. S.,
Selected Literary Essays.
New York: Cambridge University Press, 1969.

Moorman, John R. H.
A History of the Church in England.
Harrisburg, PA: Morehouse, 1980.

Ray, Joan Klingel.
Jane Austen for Dummies.
Hoboken, NJ: Wiley, 2006. Shields, Carol.
Jane Austen.
New York: Viking Penguin, 2001. Tomalin, Claire.
Jane Austen: A Life.
New York: Vintage Books, 1999.

A Note on the Text

The epigraph is drawn from Austen,
Lady Susan, The Watsons, Sanditon
,166.

The epigraph is drawn from Austen,
Northanger Abbey
,40.

1.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,xix.

2.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,12.

3.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,13.

4.
Tomalin,
A Life
,7.

5.
Austen-Leigh,
A Memoir
,141.

6.
Austen-Leigh, 29.

The epigraph is drawn from Le Faye,
Letters
,29.

1.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,11.

2.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,4.

3.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,12.

4.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,3-4.

5.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,272.

6.
C. S. Lewis,
Selected Literary Essays
,185.

7.
Austen,
Love and Freindship
[sic], (London: Chatto & Windus, 1922), xiv-xv.

8.
Austen-Leigh, 70. Tomalin, 181.

The epigraph is drawn from Austen,
Pride and Prejudice
,186.

1.
Le Faye,
Family Record, 47.

2.
Austen-Leigh, 160.

3.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,7.

The epigraph is drawn from Austen,
Sense and Sensibility
,14.

1.
Austen-Leigh, 79-80.

2.
Austen-Leigh, 160.

3.
Austen,
Persuasion
,243.

4.
Austen,
Emma
,294.

5.
Austen,
Pride and Prejudice
,310.

6.
Austen,
Sense and Sensibility
,331.

7.
Austen,
Pride and Prejudice
,261.

8.
C. S. Lewis,
Selected Literary Essays
,(New York: Cambridge University Press, 1969), 185.

9.
Austen,
Catharine and Other Writings
,247.

10.
Austen,
Persuasion
,148.

11.
Austen,
Pride and Prejudice
,14.

The epigraph is drawn from Cowper,
Selected Poems
,36. Cowper was Jane's favorite poet.

1.
Le Faye,
Letters
,322.

2.
Le Faye,
Letters
,148.

3.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,233.

4.
4. Le Faye,
Letters
,280.

The epigraph is drawn from Austen,
Northanger Abbey
,106.

1.
Austen-Leigh, 119.

2.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,270.

3.
Le Faye,
Letters
,1.

4.
Le Faye,
Letters
,2.

5.
Le Faye,
Letters
,3.

6.
Tomaun, 119.

7.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,92-94.

8.
Tomaiin 120. Le Faye says Lefroy went on to have nine children
(Letters
,545), but other sources also put the number at seven.

9.
Le Faye,
Letters
,4.

10.
Leapman,
Eyewitness Travel Guides Great Britain
,214.

11.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,106.

12.
Le Faye,
Letters
,216.

13.
Le Faye,
Letters
,19.

14.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,137.

15.
Tomaun, 179-80.

16.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,138.

17.
Le Faye, Family Record
,143.

The epigraph is drawn from Austen,
Pride and Prejudice
,9.

The epigraph is drawn from Austen,
Pride and Prejudice
,25. 1.

1.
James Wright, “A Blessing,” in
Above the River: The Complete Poems
,(Mid-dletown, CT: Wesleyan University Press, 1990), 143.

2.
Austen,
Sense and Sensibility
,158.

3.
Le Faye,
Family Recordy
92, 101 andTomalin, 106, 124.

4.
Le Faye,
Outhndish Cousin
,138.

5.
Le Faye,
Letters y
344.

The epigraph is drawn from Austen,
Pride and Prejudice
,32.

1.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,13.

2.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,13, 128.

3.
Tomalin, 4.

4.
Austen,
Northanger Abbey
38.

5.
Le Faye,
Letters
,57.

6.
Le Faye,
Letters
,275.

7.
Austen,
Pride and Prejudice
,32.

8.
Edward's,
Steps of Jane Austen
,35.

9.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,23.

10.
Le Faye,
Letters
,486.

11.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,4.

12.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,4.

13.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,21.

14.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,17.

15.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,20.

16.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,99.

17.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,41.

18.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,22.

19.
Austen,
Mansfield Park
,183.

20.
Le Faye,
Outhndish Cousin
,116.

21.
Fanny Caroline Lefroy Family History, as quoted in Le Faye,
Family Record
,105.

22.
Austen-Leigh, 19.

23.
Austen,
Pnde and Prejudice
,30.

24.
Edward's, 35.

25.
Edward's, 36.

26.
C. S. Lewis,
Mere Christianity
,(New York: HarperSanFrancisco, 2001), 92.

27.
Edward's, 39.

28.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,47.

29.
Austen,
Catharine and Other Writings
,238.

30.
Austen,
Catharine and Other Writings
,239.

The epigraph is drawn from Austen,
Pride and Prejudice
,130.

1.
Le Faye,
Letters
,201.

2.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,188.

3.
Le Faye,
Letters
,91.

4.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,17 andTomalin, 28.

5.
Le Faye,
Family Record, 87.

6.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,43.

7.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,192.

8.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,55.

9.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,111.

10.
Tomalin, 144-45.

11.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,234.

12.
Austen,
Catharine and Other Writing
,249-50.

13.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,211.

14.
Edward's, 24.

15.
Le Faye,
Letters
,224.

The epigraph is drawn from Austen,
Northanger Abbey
,54.

1.
1. Austen,
Emma, 294.

2.
Austen,
Emma
,294.

3.
Austen,
Emma
,294.

4.
Austen,
Emma
,297-98.

5.
Le Faye,
Letters
,17.

6.
Le Faye,
Letters
,86.

7.
Austen,
Emma
,231.

The epigraph is drawn from Le Faye,
Letters
,191. Jane was referring to a recent battle.

1.
Le Faye,
Letters
,20.

2.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,7.

3.
Le Faye, Family Record
,151.

4.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,125.

5.
Le Faye,
Letters
,323.

6.
Madeleine L'Engle, ^4 C/Vdl?
of Quiet
,(New York: HarperSanFrancisco, 1972), 21.

The epigraph is drawn from Austen,
Northanger Abbey
,43.

1.
Austen-Leigh, 169.

2.
Austen-Leigh, 158.

3.
Le Faye,
A Family Record
,141.

4.
Austen,
Pride and Prejudice
,6.

5.
Austen,
Emma
,5.

6.
Austen,
Persuasion
,4.

7.
Austen, Sense
Sensibility
,39.

8.
Austen,
Sense and Sensibility
,39-40.

9.
Austen, Sense
Sensibility
,4.

10.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,37.

11.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,37.

12.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,77.

13.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,105.

14.
Le Faye,
Letters
,215.

15.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,213.

The epigraph is drawn from Austen,
Sense and Sensibility
,35.

1.
Tomalin, 205.

2.
Austen-Leigh, 158.

The epigraph is drawn from Le Faye,
Letters, 3AA.

1.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,248.

2.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,251.

3.
Le Faye,
Letters, 3AA.

4.
Le Faye,
Letters
,30, 16, 27.

5.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,265;
Letters
,489. (Anna says he was seventy-one, but if you do the math he was actually seventy-three.)

6.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,266.

7.
Le Faye,
Letters, AS7.

8.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,236.

9.
Le Faye,
Letters
,326.

10.
Le Faye,
Letters
,336.

11.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,216-17.

12.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,234.

13.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,234.

14.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,246.

15.
Le Faye,
Family Record
140.

16.
Le Faye,
Letters
,231.

17.
Le Faye,
Letters
,341.

18.
Le Faye,
Letters
,344, 347.

19.
Wendell Berry, “The Wish to Be Generous,” in
The Selected Poems of Wen-dell Berry
,(Washington, D.C.: Counterpoint, 1998), 70.

20.
From the epitaph on Jane Austens grave.

The epigraph is drawn from Austen,
Pride and Prejudice
,194.

1.
Austen,
Persuasion
,94.

2.
Austen,
Persuasion
,94-5.

3.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,142.

4.
Le Faye,
Letters
,203.

5.
Austen,
Persuasion
,159.

The epigraph is drawn from Austen,
Persuasion
,247.

1.
Persuasion
movie, BBC, 1995.

2.
Austen,
Sense and Sensibility
,313.

3.
Austen,
Sense and Sensibility
,4.

4.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,128.

5.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,10.

6.
Le Faye,
Letters
,68.

7.
Austen-Leigh, 125.

8.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,144.

9.
Le Faye,
Letters
,85, 88.

10.
Le Faye,
Letters
,138.

11.
Austen,
Persuasion
,155.

12.
Le Faye,
Letters
,42.

13.
Bath Preservation Trust,
www.bath-preservation-trust.org.uk
/museums/nol/ (accessed June 5, 2007).

14.
Le Faye,
Family Record
,135.

15.
Austen,
Persuasion
,183-84.

The epigraph is drawn from Austen,
Northanger Abbey
,199.

1.
Austen,
Northanger Abbey
,126.

2.
Austen,
Northanger Abbey
,240.

3.
Austen,
Persuasion
,233.

4.
I thought this idea came from C.S. Lewis, but I've not been able to find it. It's possible I've stolen it from him—or maybe just from conversations with my roommate about him—but I've been unable to find the source.