A White Coat Is My Closet (53 page)

When I went into the conference room just off the main unit, I was relieved to see Beth preparing for sign-outs. When she saw me come in, she immediately stood up and drew me into a hug. “Zack, it’s so good to have you back. Dr. Mueller said you’d be in today. I’ve been thinking about you all day every day. I’m so glad Sergio is doing well.” She looked wistful for just a second, then she broke out into her usual bright smile. “Now, so much for the pleasantries. We decided to celebrate your return by giving you a shitload of work. Sit down and fasten your seat belt. Today’s roller-coaster ride is guaranteed to pull your head right through your asshole.”

“Gee, thanks, Beth. While I appreciate your sentimental side, please don’t attempt to sugarcoat anything for my benefit. Give me a realistic idea of how much fun I should expect to have today.” I bumped her shoulder and offered a warm smile. “I’m not sure I’m too thrilled about a roller coaster being your idea of a welcome reception, but I do appreciate everything you guys did for me over the last few weeks. You’ve been awesome.”

“Funny, Zack, that’s what we’ve always thought about you.” She returned the shoulder bump. “But don’t think getting sentimental is going to succeed in making me feel merciful. When you see my sign-outs, you’ll realize that in your absence, you were demoted to my lapdog.”

I just smiled. I understood the depth of Beth’s caring and appreciated that her jocularity was an attempt to defuse any discomfort. “Your lapdog? That’s kind of kinky. Do I have to wear a collar?”

“In your dreams, my friend. In your dreams.”

Beth’s sign-outs were indeed long, but it was also apparent she’d done everything she could to get as much work done as possible. I was actually glad I was going to be busy. I figured as long as I kept my nose to the grindstone, there’d be fewer opportunities to have to answer any uncomfortable questions. I wasn’t sure why I was so anxious. Thus far, everyone’s treatment of me had been better than I would have ever thought possible.

When she had finished going over the last detail, I folded the papers up and put them in my pocket. I looked at Beth and smiled. “Might as well get going. The sooner I start, the sooner I’ll be able to go pee on a hydrant. If I’m going to be your lapdog, I hope that you at least brought some biscuits.”

“Don’t get greedy. If you do a really good job, I might decide to forego the neuter.”

“Wow, now that’s what I call incentive.”

She smiled and released a soft chuckle. “Consider it a get-well gift for Sergio. Tell him he owes me.”

I laughed too. It seemed both strange and liberating to be joking about Sergio as if his being my partner was the most natural thing in the world. “I’m sure he’ll be appreciative.”

I walked out of the conference room and into the unit. It was a flurry of activity. I pulled Beth’s list out of my pocket and began to determine which babies would require my immediate attention. Initially, the nurses did little to acknowledge my arrival other than to wave a greeting. Then, one by one, they slowly came over to where I was working and whispered personal welcomes. Some even hugged me and told me they had missed me, and that they were saddened to hear someone important to me had been so seriously hurt. Their sincerity made me feel like I had swallowed an elixir of pure happiness.

A few minutes before nine, my beeper went off. Ordinarily, the sound would have caused me to release a tirade of silent profanity in my own head, but I was feeling so positive about being back I picked up the nearest phone and dialed the extension without even an inkling of hostility.

Julie, the pediatric department secretary, picked up after only two rings. “Pediatric administration, Julie speaking. May I help you?”

“Hey, Julie, it’s Zack. Someone there paged me.”

“Oh yes, Dr. Sheldon. Dr. Franklin asked that you meet him in the main conference room next to his office.”

“Okay, Julie. I’m on my way. Did he say what this is regarding? Is there a problem I should be aware of?”

“He didn’t say, Dr. Sheldon. He just asked that you be there.”

I hung up the phone and my stomach clenched ever so slightly. I couldn’t imagine why the chairman of the department was asking to see me. Dr. Mueller had called multiple times during my absence. Had there been a big problem, I was sure he would have at least alluded to it. As I started down the hall, I became increasingly nervous. I hoped Dr. Mueller hadn’t decided he’d forego burdening me with any bad news until I returned.

By the time I reached the corridor that led to the conference room, I was a cauldron of conflicting emotions. On one hand, I had broken into a cold sweat. What if Dr. Klein had been successful in his appeals and the administration had reconsidered? What if he had convinced them I had indeed been guilty of insubordination or that, because I had created such a public scene, they had determined I represented too great a liability to retain in the residency program? On the other hand, I was relatively calm. The uninterrupted time I had spent with Sergio had brought me to numerous realizations: First and foremost, I loved him, and even though there were no guarantees, I wanted to explore the possibility of building a life with him. Secondly, I had realized how exhausting living with so many secrets and so much shame had become, and there was no way I would go back. Carrying such a heavy burden had begun to eat away at the very fabric of my being, and I vowed I’d never again put myself in the same situation. I had always tried to fulfill my professional responsibilities with integrity. They could suspend me, but they couldn’t dictate who I was.

As I neared the conference room door, I was surprised to hear the soft buzz of conversation interspersed with brief bursts of laugher coming from the other side. I had no idea what to expect. With an almost paralyzing degree of trepidation, I slowly pulled the door open and was shocked to see the majority of my colleagues mingling around the center table, which was covered with fresh croissants, a fruit plate, bagels, deli meats, juice, and a large percolator filled with coffee.

Dr. Franklin stood in the center of the room, flanked by both Dr. Mueller and Dr. Herbert. There were a few other senior physicians in the room as well as all the other interns and residents. Diane and Beth stood close to Dr. Mueller, smiling like Cheshire cats.

When I walked through the door, the room fell briefly silent, until Dr. Franklin’s booming voice echoed off the walls. “Here’s the guest of honor now.”

I was immediately struck speechless and my cheeks burned crimson. For a brief instant, it felt as if my feet had been glued to the carpet, but then I slowly managed to kind of stumble awkwardly toward the center of the room.

Dr. Franklin draped in arm around my shoulder and gave it a brief squeeze. “Zack, you know I like nothing more than to wallow in the rapturous attention of a captive audience, but in this instance I won’t belabor the point. We just wanted to welcome you back, to acknowledge that we appreciate your contributions to the program, and to emphasize that we regret if you were ever made to feel discriminated against by any personnel in this hospital. Though I concede to taking great liberties in paraphrasing the words of the famous civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King Junior, our intent is to judge people by the content of their character, not by either the color of their skin or whom they choose to love. Thank you for being an example of great character.”

Those gathered in the room broke into applause, and I was immediately drawn into Diane and Beth’s congratulatory embrace. Dr. Mueller slapped me on the back and said with an exuberant smile, “Zack, you can wipe that terrified expression off your face. It’s all good.”

It was only then that I realized I had probably been holding my breath. A huge sigh of relief escaped my lips, and I broke out into an enormous grin. “You guys are too much. Thank you so much. This is unbelievable. I wasn’t expecting anything. In fact, I was hoping to just sneak back into the rhythm of work as unobtrusively as possible.”

Diane laughed. “Please, Zack! Obtrusive is your middle name. Your parents intended to call you ‘pain in the ass,’ but it wouldn’t fit on the birth certificate.”

Her joking immediately relieved my discomfort, and everyone, including Dr. Franklin, shared a good laugh. He turned to Diane to reply, but didn’t even attempt to maintain a serious tone when he said, “Fortunately, that’s a side of his character I haven’t had to endure seeing.”

Dr. Herbert crossed in front of me and took my hand in hers. “I believe I remember telling you bad things happen to wonderful people. I’m sorry if you ever found the working environment here to be less than hospitable, and I’m also sorry that your partner was the victim of such a vicious attack.” Her facial expression warmed. “I am delighted, however, to hear he’s expected to make a full recovery and that the tragedy has resulted in you expanding your circle of support. It would be a privilege for me to be included in it.” She squeezed my hand tighter. “Welcome back, Zack. It’s good to have you.”

I was determined not to get emotional. “Thanks, Dr. H. You’ve already been more of a support to me than you’ll ever know.”

M
Y
REMINISCING
was interrupted when Leo saw Sergio come out the back door and walk up behind me. Certain Sergio had joined us specifically to engage in doggie play, Leo came running from the other side of the yard, lowered his head, and tried to run between us.

Sergio grabbed on to my shoulders in an attempt to guard us from being knocked over by a canine locomotive. Undeterred, Leo circled back and forth between our legs and continued head-butting us until we both dropped to our knees, tackled him, and began a four-fisted belly rub. He was immediately reduced to a contented mound of pliable fur and drool.

Sergio leaned over Leo and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “Everything inside is pretty much done. You’d better go shower and get dressed. I told your parents we’d eat around six. I think these late nights have begun to wear your dad down. They’re not used to going to bed after midnight. He asked if we could eat a little earlier tonight.”

I laughed. Mom and Dad had flown down to spend a long weekend with us. Their forays into the big city were so infrequent we tried to take advantage of every free minute. On the day they arrived, we picked them up at the airport with a picnic basket full of food and wine and drove directly to the Hollywood Bowl. They’d been mesmerized by the performance. The next day we were up early to tour the Huntington Gardens, had a light lunch in Pasadena, and then rested just briefly before we headed to downtown LA, where we had a sumptuous dinner before going to see
Phantom of the Opera
at the Ahmanson Theater.

We’d decided to make today a little more low-key. We had gotten up early and the four of us had taken Leo for a hike in Griffith Park, then we ate breakfast at a little café in Los Feliz. Though it made for a long morning, we had begun our hike from our front door. Sergio and I were currently renting a charming two-bedroom bungalow in Silver Lake. We had moved into it a year and a half before, and finding it had felt like we’d won the lottery. It had everything we were looking for: two bedrooms, two baths, a spacious kitchen, and a yard. We had barely finished unloading boxes before we initiated our quest to find a dog.

I completed my residency two months after Sergio’s attack. In the time we spent together during his recovery, we resolutely decided to take our relationship to the next level and move in together. After he had been back to work for a few weeks and by every indication seemed to be nearing full recovery, I took my next full weekend off to fly up to talk to my parents. In the weeks before I made the trip, I had decided I was no longer willing to hide who I was from them. I was tempted to call them many times when Sergio lay in the hospital, but I didn’t want to have the conversation with them over the phone. I was committed to telling them, but wanted to do so in person. Additionally, I was adamant that before I moved in with Sergio, everyone who participated in my life would understand his significance in my life.

I had only given my parents a day’s notice that I would be flying up for the weekend. They were excited to see me but seemed apprehensive about what might have motivated me to visit them on such short notice and for only a single night’s stay. I declined their offer to pick me up at the airport and instead opted to rent a car. Though I was optimistic our conversation would go well, in the unlikely event it went south, I didn’t want to be dependent on them for a ride back to the airport. The distance between the airport and the small town of Echo was two hours. Having my own car would guarantee being able to escape at the time of my choosing should there be any unpleasantness.

When I pulled up in front of their house, they were out the front door before I had even set the parking brake. Their German shepherd was close at their heels, bounding over to greet me. Little wonder I was such a dog person. When I was growing up, we’d always had at least two. My parents both pulled me into a warm embrace and pounded me exuberantly on the back. Perhaps, when I had given them such short notice about my intention to visit, they expected I might show up disfigured.

Dad, in particular, had difficulty containing his curiosity, and as he reached over to take my bag, he asked, “So, to what do we owe this surprise visit?”

I was resolute that I was going to tell them and was supremely confident they’d take the news well, but I’d nonetheless had had stomach cramps from the minute I boarded the plane. Nervousness always seemed to localize to my gut. I was suddenly sorry Sergio hadn’t come with me. He had wanted to, but I’d insisted it was something I needed to do alone. Now I was sorry he wasn’t there for moral support.

Though I had rehearsed the speech a million times in my head, I wanted to feel more composed before I delivered it, so I pasted an unassuming smile on my face and confidently answered I had simply missed being able to come home.

Both of them searched my eyes for any evidence of deception and finding nothing obvious, let a smile of relief cross their expressions. They each wrapped an arm protectively around my shoulders and escorted me through the front door of the house I had grown up in. As usual, they were talking over each other in an attempt to bring me up to date on everything that had happened in the neighborhood. The vast majority of Echo happenings were less than newsworthy.