A Will To Change (Hope) (33 page)

“Nice fat lip,” I said as Peterson opened his apartment door. 

“Nice black eye,” he responded, opening the door wider and letting me in. “So, did you come to get another sucker punch in?” he asked, walking into the kitchen, chugging down a glass of orange juice.

“Nah, you took enough of a beating last night,” I smirked.

“Fuck you,” he said, trying to hold back a laugh. He shook his head. “Dude, I told you if you weren’t okay with this whole thing, I wouldn’t have taken her out. Why didn’t you say something then, instead of letting it come to this?”

I shook my head. “Because I thought I was okay with it. I mean, I’ll never be okay with anyone Gabby dates, but that’s my own issue I have to deal with.”

He placed his glass down on the table and suddenly became more serious. “You’re in love with her, aren’t you, Will?”

I ran my hand through my hair and sighed heavily. “It doesn’t matter. Gabby and me… We’ll never have that kind of relationship. She likes you a lot, Peterson, and I promised her that I wouldn’t interfere. I’m going to keep that promise to her. Just don’t hurt her, or I
will have
to butt in.”

Peterson shook his head. “Man, what the hell is wrong with you? You fuckin’ love this girl. You go crazy if someone says one wrong thing about her or looks at her the wrong way. What the hell are you doin’, Will?”

“Gabby means more to me than anyone and I’m not gonna fuck up what we have by sleeping with her. I…I don’t want to talk about it anymore, Peterson. Just please treat her the way that she deserves to be treated.”

He looked at me in shock. “You’re stupid, bro. Really stupid.”

Yeah, I was stupid. I just told my best friend to go for it with the woman I loved, and it hurt like hell.

I didn’t know what to do when I left Peterson’s. I didn’t want to go home. Even though the thought of spending the day with Gabby made me smile, I knew that we needed time apart, time to think about what had happened last night. My thoughts were consumed by the taste of her lips, her beautiful body, and the feel of her warm soft skin against mine. As hard as I tried, I just couldn’t get the pain in hers eyes out of my mind when I told her “no”, or the pain in her voice this morning. How could she actually think that she wasn’t good enough? I just wished that she could understand that she was
too good
. Too good for me. Too good for anyone. Maybe I should just say “fuck it” and take that next step with her, but the thought of losing everything we had scared me to death. My body ached for her but, once we crossed that line, there would be no turning back. I felt like I was losing my mind, not knowing what to do. I dialed my brother’s number, feeling the need to talk to someone.

“Fuck,” I whispered when I got his voicemail, hanging up without leaving a message. The only other person that I could vent to was the one that I was momentarily trying to forget. I pulled up my contacts in my phone and surprised myself with the name that I brought up.

“Will? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, Dad. Just wanted to see how Florida was.” He and my mother rented a condo every year, right after Christmas until spring. I noticed that, every year, they would stay down there a little longer. It was my dad’s way of trying to talk my mother into moving down there permanently.

“Much warmer than up there! Your brother said you got more snow.”

“Yeah. Just a few inches.”

“Well, that’s a few inches too much for me. Did you get the message that your mother and I left you wishing you a ‘Happy birthday’?”

“Yeah, I did. Thanks.”

“Are you sure that you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“Well, you should really come down for a couple of days. Herb Glassman, our next door neighbor, has a beautiful boat that he’s dying to take me out on. Take a few days off and come. It will do you good to get away, and your mother would be ecstatic.”

“Yeah, maybe I will. Alright, Dad. I gotta run.”

“Okay. See ya, Will.”

I hung up the phone, feeling a little shocked. I
never
called my dad unless I absolutely needed to. My mother was always the go-between for the two of us. But, ever since the night at the hockey game, something was different between us. And it was all thanks to one person, the one person that always crept back into my mind and my heart no matter how hard I tried to stop those thoughts - my Gabby girl.

Brian had texted and ask me to meet him at the coffee shop by his apartment. I already knew what he was going to say. I got there ahead of him and took a seat at the empty table, replaying last night over and over again. I closed my eyes, remembering how my body responded to Will's touch, knowing that I would never feel that again.

I forced my best smile when I saw Brian entering. He took the empty seat across from me. “So, how's your lip?” I asked.

“Fine,” he smiled. I couldn't help but think that although his smile was nice, it was nothing like Will's. I found that whenever I was with Brian, I was constantly comparing him to Will. I hated that. He looked down at the table and looked back up at me. “Gabby, I really like you and I think you are a great girl.”

“But?” I asked, raising my eyebrows at him.

“I think we both know the answer to that question.” I sighed heavily. I never wanted to hurt Will. That was never my intention. But the reality of it was that Will and I would never be a couple, and it wasn't for my lack of trying. It was him and his fucked up way of thinking that he always had to protect me, even from himself. “Look, Gabby, I don't know what's going on between you two, but I think I know Will pretty damn good. That boy is in love with you.”

I let out a sarcastic chuckle. “Will doesn't fall in love.”

“Yeah, that's what I used to think, too.”

I could feel the tears rushing to the surface. I quickly looked away and dabbed them with a napkin. “He’s not in love with me, Brian. All we'll ever be is friends. That's what he wants and I have to respect that.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “Man, I don't know what his problem is. He's a stupid ass. If it were anyone else, I would say ‘fuck it’, but Will is like a brother to me. You do understand where I'm coming from, don't you, Gabs?”

“Totally.” The last thing I wanted to do was drive a wedge into their friendship, but I knew that if I ever wanted to move on with my life, I was going to have to move out of Will's place. He would continue to have a problem with anyone that I dated, and I would continue comparing every guy to him. I could feel a heaviness in my chest at the mere thought of it, even though I knew it was for the best.

Brian and I walked out of the coffee shop together. “Need me to flag you down a cab?” he asked.

“Umm…no, that’s okay.”

He took my hands in his. “You are a great girl, Gabby. And I know the last thing you need is another guy friend, but I still hope you consider me one.”

“Of course, I do, Brian. A friend who knows how to give a pretty mean kiss,” I giggled.

He smiled. “God, I hope my boy comes to his senses.”

I shook my head as the smile slowly faded away. “Friends,” I said, extending my hand to him.

“Friends.” He pulled me into a hug.

I watched him walk down the street and sighed. I pulled out my cell phone, feeling sick to my stomach as I sent Callie a text.

When can I move in?

“Hey there!” I said to Will as I entered his apartment, trying my hardest to pretend that everything was normal.

“What’s up?” he asked, barely lifting his head from the television.

I threw my coat on the chair and took a seat next to him. “Whatcha watchin’?”

“Hockey,” he said, like it was effort to answer.

I cleared my throat and sucked in my bottom lip. “Will?” He turned his head and finally looked at me. His beautiful blue eyes were filled with sadness, and all I wanted to do was hug him and take that pain away. “I…umm…I told Callie that I would take her sister’s apartment.”

He looked away and briefly closed his eyes. “If that’s what you want to do, then…” He took a deep breath and concentrated back on his hockey game as if I wasn’t even sitting there.

“So that’s it?” I asked.

“What do you want me to say, Gabby? Huh? Do you want me to beg you to stay?”

I shook my head. “No, I don’t. I just thought -.”

“You just thought what? I think we had this discussion before. I told you that it was a stupid idea, but since you never take my advice on anything, why should this be any different?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I could feel my anger growing.

“Nothing, Gabby. Just forget it,” he said, turning up the volume on the TV. I grabbed the remote from his hand and flicked it off. “What the fuck?!” he shouted.

“You are not going to do this, Will!”

“Do what?”

“Ignore me.”

“I’m not ignoring you. I was just in the middle of -.”

“Bullshit, Will! I’m sorry for putting my heart out there to you last night. I know that it’s changed things between us, but you don’t have to treat me like a stranger now.”

He was silent, looking straight ahead and staring into space. “I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to think about it. You know how I feel, Gabby. I want you to stay. But if that’s not what you want, then I’m not gonna force you.”

He looked away when I grabbed his hand and lifted it to my lips. “This is going to be the best thing for both of us,” I said, trying to convince myself as well as him. “Her apartment isn’t far from your station and you can crash anytime. “Mi casa es su casa.” I was trying my best to gauge some type of reaction from him, but it wasn’t happening.

“Cool,” he finally responded before turning the TV back on.

I stared at him briefly, wanting him to take me in his arms and tell me that everything was going to be okay but, instead, he remained focused on his hockey game. I leaned in and gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek. “Thank you for everything,” I whispered before quickly getting up and heading off to my bedroom with tears in my eyes, hoping that he didn’t hear the sob that I had been trying to hold back.